I know I am, please tell me to get a grip

[Starfondue]

So this is a total non-issue, so why am I upset?

My husband and I try to eat super healthy most of the time, but do enjoy the odd treat together course. If I see something I think he'll like, or if someone has baked cakes at work and there's a lot, I always bring him one. Nothing is off limits! I wouldn't buy myself a treat and not get him something too.

A few months ago I logged onto Tesco and there were some really random junk food items on the favourites. I could see that everything else was stuff we normally buy so I mentioned it to my husband, expecting him to say oh yeah, I bought it when doing xyz' (it was a meal deal type thing) but he denied knowledge. I couldn't care less about the food or money, but the fact he obviously had bought it and was lying really upset me. In the end he said he had bought it on x date. It was pretty recent so I remembered the day, he'd been out but made sure he was home by lunch and I'd spent a while making a nice one as he'd been out all morning. We got into a bit of an argument but he couldn't see that my issue was why was he lying/hiding something so non-important. He didn't see the big deal, but to me it hurt a bit as I always make an effort to bring him a treat if I've had one at work or something, but he hadn't thought to phone and ask if I'd like anything.

I logged onto Tesco tonight and there are all sorts of random items now in favourites - big bags of sweets, sausage rolls and pastries etc. He must have been buying it and eating it in the car, why! Why is he lying to me about something like this!?

He's out and I messaged him when I saw it but I have deleted them all. Maybe I shouldn't even bring it up. Why am I upset. Ffs.

It's not the snack, it's the lie. When I mentioned it the first time, and it wasn't in a accusatory tone, I thought it was funny that Tesco was suggesting random things but then I realised everything else was stuff we had bought recently. It was his reaction that got me as he was denying it like it was a crime!

Honestly, in your shoes, I'd just leave it. It's really no big deal. He's an adult and can choose to eat what he wants.

This is a really strange thing to be upset about. Sorry but it is controlling and needy. Why must you BOTH have a treat all the time, if you have a cake at work why do you need to take him one home? And you’re genuinely upset if he eats a treat and doesn’t bring you one? Sorry but that’s just odd. You’re not one person, you’re both adults. He is probably hiding some of his snacks because he finds this arrangement suffocating and he’s secretly rebelling! This reminds me of my children who would sulk if they found out the other one had some sweets and they didn’t get any… something most people grow out of…

Just let the man have a secret snack in peace. Maybe it’s a guilty pleasure, a little habit he’s got into.

Just being devil's advocate here - maybe there's an element of keeping it away from you because he doesn't want to sabotage your hard work with junk?

But I totally get the lying thing.

But also, pick your battles/offer him support in case he's struggling.

Are you sure he hasn’t hidden it because of your weird reactions to “treats” and the odd rules you have around food. Maybe he’s been humouring you but actually has his own ideas.

I hear what everyone is saying. Perhaps I just won't mention I've seen it. At the end of the day I really don't care about the food. At the same time what if he is struggling with secret eating? I have had my own MH struggles and he's always been so supportive .

@TheGrimSqueakersFlea hahah maybe - I hate bananas I can’t stand the smell so won’t have them in the house - maybe someone is trying to torment me!

there was loads of random stuff mixed in with stuff I usually buy, it looks like it’s showing stuff from the aisles I use

I'd be concerned too if there were recently bought items that I'd never seen my partner eat, especially if he denied it when asked. My ex used my c/cards and scanned my store cards to buy flowers and chocolates for his AP.
Start eating what you want and don't bring him treats. Everyone sating you're controlling ignoring the fact he's the one that decides what you eat at home 🤦‍♀️

You never go to a cafe on your own? Or with a friend? You never happen to end up in a shop if you're peckish? Or grab such lunch while at work or with a colleague?

This has to be one of the weirdest threads I've ever read on Mumsnet and I've been using the site for about 8 years

It’s unfair of people to assume he does this because he’s scared of OP’s reaction.

My DH is a gym bunny and eats a completely clean diet. I am a sloth and love a nice treat. There was a time when DH would see me eating a bit of chocolate or a bag of crisps, he’d make a judgy comment or roll his eyes. It would drive me mad. Especially as I’d find tonnes of empty crisp packets and cake boxes in his car. He’d secretly binge on them. It was the lying that I couldn’t get to grips with.

He didn’t do it in secret because he was scared of my reaction. I’d have actually welcomed seeing him loosen up a bit around food. He did it because his eating was disordered and he was ashamed of himself. He saw a therapist and is much better now. He still eats well most of the time, but he’ll have the odd treat now in front of me. OP, I’d suggest talking to him about it from a place of concern and see if he opens up about it.

Sorry but I buy myself yummy stuff all the time and go out for lunch on my own.

This is exactly it. He runs a lot and plays sports, I don't.

That's what I'm going to do. Just waiting for him to get home. He asked about the deleted messages so I just said there was something I wanted to talk to him about as I was a little worried.

If it was stuff I knew he liked then it wouldn't be a concern, I wouldn't have noticed it as odd. It's really random stuff, sweets he'd never choose if we were buying sweets etc.

OP you’re now saying it’s not about the food it’s just the lying, but that’s not really the case is it because your OP was about how you’re basically offended he would have a snack while out and not include you in it? And that you never have a treat without getting him one? It is a bit odd and not that usual I don’t think, if my partner acted like this I would find it overbearing and annoying. I really couldn’t care less what my partner eats when we’re apart and if he started questioning me on what I’d eaten and why I didn’t tell him I had a chocolate bar last Tuesday I’d think he was mad to be honest.

It's literally none of your business and very suffocating. If a man did this to a woman it would be called out as abusive and controlling.

It isn't about money and alarmist to think it is secret eating. I consider this you looking for problems. Surely you have other things to do with your time than monitor the grocery cart? Please just give your partner space to be him... isn't that how you like to be treated?

This. I took left overs for lunch today, but when it got to it, didn't fancy it and bought a meal deal. I haven't discussed it with DH (because it's boring and none of his business) and he wouldn't care if he found out

If I was secretly buying stuff out of character and my husband stumbled across it, I'd like to think he'd question it as I wouldn't have been hiding it if I was happy.

I used to work with a guy for years, who I only found out was vegan when I met his wife. He’d been lying to her for genuinely years and eating meat when not with her. He expected us all to lie and cover for him.

It's bonkers, he bought a meal deal for lunch am presuming and you're kicking off and judging him because he didn't buy you one too?!

Its very weird to text your partner when they're out; to ask why they bought some sweets in Tesco......

My DH always has packets etc in the car or his bag of nice treats that he has enjoyed by himself. I have a problem with the wrappers being not put in the bin but he can have the freedom and independence to eat what he likes. I would hate it if he policed my buying and eating habits. You need freedom from each other!!

it seems like you are characterising his reluctance to tell you about various random things he eats as lying and secrecy. But it’s not normal that you expect to know about that stuff in the first place!

If I were in his shoes I would find your close attention to this type of thing — including the fact that you always bring him a treat if you have one! — bizarre and uncomfortable. I wouldn’t want that expectation placed on me and I would push back against it by not doing it.

Even the closest married couple are stil separate people. They don’t need to share everything.

I think it is unusual. It wouldn’t really occur to me to buy DH something when I’m buying something for myself. He buys his own treats if he wants them.

God I feel suffocated just reading this thread! This level of scrutiny over something so minor is bonkers quite frankly.

Buying sweets you didn’t know he liked? For goodness sake, he’s popped into Tesco and thought “I fancy trying those” so he’s picked them up. I don’t blame him for playing dumb when you asked about it - who could be bothered with this much aggro over a few snacks?? You sound incredibly controlling and codependent.