I know I am, please tell me to get a grip

[Starfondue]

So this is a total non-issue, so why am I upset?

My husband and I try to eat super healthy most of the time, but do enjoy the odd treat together course. If I see something I think he'll like, or if someone has baked cakes at work and there's a lot, I always bring him one. Nothing is off limits! I wouldn't buy myself a treat and not get him something too.

A few months ago I logged onto Tesco and there were some really random junk food items on the favourites. I could see that everything else was stuff we normally buy so I mentioned it to my husband, expecting him to say oh yeah, I bought it when doing xyz' (it was a meal deal type thing) but he denied knowledge. I couldn't care less about the food or money, but the fact he obviously had bought it and was lying really upset me. In the end he said he had bought it on x date. It was pretty recent so I remembered the day, he'd been out but made sure he was home by lunch and I'd spent a while making a nice one as he'd been out all morning. We got into a bit of an argument but he couldn't see that my issue was why was he lying/hiding something so non-important. He didn't see the big deal, but to me it hurt a bit as I always make an effort to bring him a treat if I've had one at work or something, but he hadn't thought to phone and ask if I'd like anything.

I logged onto Tesco tonight and there are all sorts of random items now in favourites - big bags of sweets, sausage rolls and pastries etc. He must have been buying it and eating it in the car, why! Why is he lying to me about something like this!?

He's out and I messaged him when I saw it but I have deleted them all. Maybe I shouldn't even bring it up. Why am I upset. Ffs.

He's not hiding it unless the expectation is there that he should report everything he eats every day when not in your presence, and bring you one too.

That's not reasonable.

If it was stuff I knew he liked then it wouldn't be a concern, I wouldn't have noticed it as odd. It's really random stuff, sweets he'd never choose if we were buying sweets etc.

Are you upset that he likes certain things and you did not know? You wouldn't mind if he was eating food if you knew he liked it? The problem is that you didn't know he liked these foods? Maybe, just maybe, he is a whole seperate person to you, and there is loads about him that you don't know, including his guilty pleasure snack food that he is very entitled to have, and eat, without you texting him to ask him why, or offering support.

You need to let this drop, or it's going to blow out of all proportion. If my OH text me during the day to say he needed to talk to me when I got home and it turned out to be about a bag of lemon sherbets he'd found in my glove box I would think he had lost the effing plot. Tread carefully.

If my OH text me during the day to say he needed to talk to me when I got home and it turned out to be about a bag of lemon sherbets he'd found in my glove box I would think he had lost the effing plot

Although it’s not the lemon sherbets, is it? it’s the lies and the secrecy <earnest>

If I was secretly buying stuff out of character and my husband stumbled across it, I'd like to think he'd question it

why? is there no privacy allowed? everything must be explained and justified?
You sound suffocating.

In my 20s I had a very controlling ex when it came to food and I used to eat unhealthy food in secret a few times a week. Is he worried he may upset you if you're more of the healthy eater? Does he not want to tempt you if you're quite strict on healthy days? Maybe there is something more underlying, is he very stressed at work at the minute? My DP is quite strict with his diet, mainly for stomach issues but tends to stress eat if it's a difficult work period or he's worried about a family member etc.

Ok so with this comment in mind, what concerns do you initially have? Do you think he's not being honest about what he does and doesn't like? Or maybe if he is buying treats to take into work and you're on a budget?

Jesuschrist, some Gestapo officer you are! Poor bloke.
Leave the guy alone, will you? Who the fuck do you think you are controlling this guy's shopping list. I would find it irritating if he'd spent money in some stupid clothes or gadgets, but this is just a treat!
Get the fuck out of here.

Are you serious OP? You sound very controlling and possibly like you have disordered eating yourself.

It sort of seems like you want a co dependent relationship.

When buying a treat for yourself you automatically would buy one for him and you expect the same behaviour from him. It's OK for you to treat him in one way and for him to show his care to you in another way.

You are two separate people. He has his needs, likes and dislikes and you have yours. You don't need to constantly do the same.

Not sure why people are being so sneery with you OP. If I found a load of extra junk food added to my shop that hadn't made its way into the house, I'd have questioned it too. Especially if it included stuff I'd never seen my partner eat. If he then lied about it I'd think it even stranger. The cheap shot is to blame you and say its understandable because you're 'controlling', but it's really not. Not for a grown man with autonomy who can surely tell you he can eat what he pleases. Its odd behaviour and I'd be worried about an ED.

if he had full autonomy then he culd tell the OP to stop being obessed by what he is eats it is none of her business, she has an issue she needs to deal with it

I'd be more concerned if my husband did question me about any food item I bought and/or ate. It's just none of his business.

I've had disordered eating from an ex monitoring and commenting on what I ate.

My husband buys food literally every time he's out or at work and I never know what it is, because I absolutely have no interest.

Edited: I have an eating disorder that I've had for 20 years thanks to that ex. It's usually under control, but I'll have those tendencies for life.

Wow. If my partner was like you're being I'd think he was overbearing and watching me too closely. Wtf does it matter what he eats. You're being too much.
And you keep saying you only care about the lie. But then you keep saying you care about him not getting you stuff either. And you wonder why he lies? I can't imagine having to buy two of everything I fancied!

This was my first thought, that he feels he can’t eat what he wants at home. Some super healthy people don’t realise they are shaming others in subtle ways.

Threads like this make me glad I'm single 😂

Seriously I had a friend who lived with me for 18 months and she was a bit like this. Whatever I was eating she'd comment on. If it was too much, too processed, too big a portion. Are you still hungry etc. she'd do it if she didn't think I'd eaten enough too. It was exhausting. I stopped eating food in front of her eventually.

Being upset that your husband has bought a bag of sweets without telling you is next level controlling.

I don't think anything OP has done has caused him to outright lie, as people are suggesting. It was his choice to lie about something that's not a big deal and wasn't accusatory and that's what is so weird.

And if a load of items I'd never seen appeared on my "favourites", yes I'd want to know if they were genuine purchases as it would change how I understand the app working (on Ocado I can see my favourites so I know it's the product I've bought before - if they were "suggestions" I would use it differently). I don't think it's weird to ask.

It could be an eating disorder or secret eating.

My partner does a lot of secret eating as I find wrappers all over the car, he used to work away pre pandemic so I never had a clue then. It’s up to my partner what he eats but I’d prefer him to think about his health tbh.

The bit that upset me ages ago is I saw a wrapper for something I like as an occasional treat, rather than he likes, in the car. It’s something he might occasionally get for me as a surprise so I randomly asked if there was a multipack and could I have one please. Then we had words as I realised no he’s been buying it all for himself and eaten it whilst out so he’d gone to get a weeks shop and came back with a lot of really boring stuff I had to use for batch cook meals and kept all the nice treat things for himself. Prior to this discovery some weekends on his turn for cooking he’d say he’s not hungry so he’s not bothering to cook after all so I’d have to get my own toast or crackers or something instead of a proper meal and then the penny dropped as he’s stuffed himself with nice food whilst out, bought me nothing, and then decided to also not cook. Very mean.

We do online shopping regularly and I am always surprised when egg custards appear in the delivery.

I couldn't care less about the food or money, but the fact he obviously had bought it and was lying really upset me

Being upset that your husband has bought a bag of sweets without telling you is next level controlling.

Definitely take advice from people that can't even read the OP... desperate to stick the boot in to show how cool they are about <checks notes> sharing sweets...

@Starfondue This is so weird… the only time I’ve ever gotten on my DH about what he eats is when he’d eat my treat that I’d been saving. (He has seen the error of his ways and after the last time has left my treats alone).

Other than that he’s an adult as am I what he eats when he’s out is his business as it is mine for what I eat. It wouldn’t even occur to me to tell him what I bought and ate and I’d think he’d gone nuts if he reported back what he ate in a day.

I think the ‘just tell the truth’ thing is a red herring. Like is he supposed to come home everyday with a log of what he ate? You say you don’t care but your reaction is saying otherwise. I’m guessing that this is why he lied about it. I have a feeling you wouldn’t have just ‘oh ok’

I think a previous poster probably got as close to the real truth

Why do you have to have the same treats and snacks as each other? Are you five?

I think I would be tempted to lie to my husband if he started quizzing me each time I bought a packet of crisps Fgs

I think I would be tempted to lie to my husband if he started quizzing me each time I bought a packet of crisps Fgs

You are being controlling and weird, leave him alone poor bloke

If he were hiding it surely he'd get a new clubcard or use a different shop?
He can eat what he likes as long as he can afford it and he's not literally dying of morbid obesity.
Even then he still can tbh.
Would you want every small spend on snacks to be policed by your partner and taken as a moral dent upon your character?

People loe when they don't feel safe or comfortable telling the truth. Obviously it's wrong to lie.. but this is such a non issue I'd really wonder if you are coming across as very judgemental. The fact you've even asked about it in the first place is a touch invasive..
I'd never in a million years ask why my DH had bought certain food or snacks. I mean I don't think I'd even go over receipts or an order like that... it does seem odd. Unless it was very expensive? Why would I care if my DH had bought a chocolate bar or a sandwich whenever?
This makes me think he is a it scared of you or you are coming across quite intense.
Maybe he just lied on the spot because you sounded like you were going to criticise him.