I know I am, please tell me to get a grip

[Starfondue]

So this is a total non-issue, so why am I upset?

My husband and I try to eat super healthy most of the time, but do enjoy the odd treat together course. If I see something I think he'll like, or if someone has baked cakes at work and there's a lot, I always bring him one. Nothing is off limits! I wouldn't buy myself a treat and not get him something too.

A few months ago I logged onto Tesco and there were some really random junk food items on the favourites. I could see that everything else was stuff we normally buy so I mentioned it to my husband, expecting him to say oh yeah, I bought it when doing xyz' (it was a meal deal type thing) but he denied knowledge. I couldn't care less about the food or money, but the fact he obviously had bought it and was lying really upset me. In the end he said he had bought it on x date. It was pretty recent so I remembered the day, he'd been out but made sure he was home by lunch and I'd spent a while making a nice one as he'd been out all morning. We got into a bit of an argument but he couldn't see that my issue was why was he lying/hiding something so non-important. He didn't see the big deal, but to me it hurt a bit as I always make an effort to bring him a treat if I've had one at work or something, but he hadn't thought to phone and ask if I'd like anything.

I logged onto Tesco tonight and there are all sorts of random items now in favourites - big bags of sweets, sausage rolls and pastries etc. He must have been buying it and eating it in the car, why! Why is he lying to me about something like this!?

He's out and I messaged him when I saw it but I have deleted them all. Maybe I shouldn't even bring it up. Why am I upset. Ffs.

It would not even cross my mind to wonder what my DP eats when I'm not with him, let alone challenge him about it should I find out.

This just seems really codependent and unhealthy to me, you're not the keeper of the other.

Just for clarity, I don't care at all about what he's bought. If he came home with it and said saw this and fancied it I'd say crack on. It's that he's buying it and deliberately hiding it. I'm not monitoring, when you log into Tesco it just comes up, I only opened it to see if they had something in stock in my local store.

He does all the meal planning and cooking!

Gosh, op, this is so controlling. Why on earth must he answer to you about what he eats and why is he so scared that he keeps it secret? What's it to you?

No matter how you saw it, I think it would be fairly reasonable to see it, think meh and move on, rather than be upset about what he's eating, when, and where, and treat it as some kind of secret he's keeping from you.

Thanks for the top tip 🤣

no scanning my club card when I’m buying stuff I don’t want people to know about.

I know you mean well but if my dh quizzed me on what I'd been buying, when I bought it, why I didn't share it on the basis of a shared food account I'd be really passed off and it certainly wouldn't encourage me to tell them more in the future. Let him enjoy his illicit sausage rolls. It's ok to have some privacy in a marriage

Dieting isn’t for everyone and it sounds like you’re shaming him for not being as “healthy” as you.
Be honest, if he’d told you he’d eaten something “unhealthy” right before you’d made him lunch so refused it you’d have gone mad. The fact he feels the need to lie over something so trivial suggests you aren’t the most flexible about his eating habits, and to be honest it sounds incredibly controlling.
It sounds like it’s you with the issue with food, not him.
Equally let’s say it was smoking. You’d both given up and he falls off the wagon. It would be so unfair to smoke in front of you so he’d probably do it secretly for lots of reasons. Shame, fear of disappointing you, not wanting to pull you off the wagon too.
You’re being very unfair. Let the man eat his damn literal cake.

Is he deliberately hiding it though? I have to say OP this feels bizarre and quite controlling! If my DH asked me "when did you buy this? When did you eat that?" I'd be totally confused. If an adult fancies something surely they can buy it and eat it; what's the big deal?

My DH will often grab a pasty or something if he needs to nip into a shop for something, it has absolutely no effect on me? If we're both at home and he's popping to the shop he'll ask me if I want anything or get us something to share but that absolutely no bearing on what he or I do on our own time.

You say why has he got to hide it but your reaction to completely normal human behaviour is really extreme, that's probably why! Do you never buy something for yourself when you're on your own?

Bit odd to be having strong feelings about this issue tbh. You eat what you eat, he eats what he eats - just give each other space, and chill.

If you enjoy bringing him back stuff, crack on. But equally, it’s totally ok not to bring him back treats when you’ve enjoyed some .
There's no rules that partners ‘need’ to bring back treats so you have the same things always?

I bet he knows she’ll go on about healthy eating and he wants to enjoy a few things without his treat being spoiled.

No, I would never buy myself something without buying something for him too. Be it food or anything else. Perhaps that's more unusual than I thought? We ran out of money in the food budget last month and I couldn't work out why as I thought we'd been careful, but it does make more sense now.

I think I'd be more worried than angry.

That's what I'd be annoyed about rather than him buying something.

I am more worried now. I wasn't really angry just a bit upset as it was repeated behaviour and I just never lie to him, even if it's something tiny so it does seem alien to me to lie about anything.

So has his over eating put you in financial difficulty?

No not financial difficulty and maybe I just underestimated the costs last month, but I can see how it could add up it items were bought more than once. We are saving hard atm so no account for every penny (literally!) And no, not just my idea, we both set a goal at the start of the year.

It's hardly secret eating if it's just a few items of junk food.

I wouldn't think twice if I saw a few unexpected items in my favourites list - I'd assume dp had bought them, and so what.

I find it odd that you mentioned it tbh. It makes me wonder whether he's used to being questioned or challenged about what he eats, and whether he's really on board with your super healthy eating regime.

Lies have different intent behind them. He wasn't maliciously trying to deceive you, or doing anything particularly nefarious. He didn't want you to comment on what he had eaten.

I mean I don't lie about stuff but I don't think I need to share when I've bought a snack. If it's putting your household budget at risk that's a different issue

Maybe he's sick of having to buy something for you too when all he wants is a sausage roll or a mars bar. I'd be pissed off if I was expected to do that

The healthy eating was equally his idea, he lost about 4.5 stone (I lost about 2 and was never really overweight)

Are you sure he’s buying the stuff? I’ve just looked at my favourites on the app (I didn’t even know it was there) and there’s loads of stuff in there I know I haven’t bought like bananas and a Korean beef ready meal - we all have our own club cards so I’m sure no one has been secretly buying stuff using my card

So he's generally healthy, does the cooking, it's not putting you at massive financial stress and he's eating the odd illicit snack? Honestly, choose your battles

I don't think it's just about picking your battles. Treat him like an individual who is a separate entity to you.

@Sleepychicken is your house haunted? Maybe the ghost is ordering snacks