I know I am, please tell me to get a grip

[Starfondue]

So this is a total non-issue, so why am I upset?

My husband and I try to eat super healthy most of the time, but do enjoy the odd treat together course. If I see something I think he'll like, or if someone has baked cakes at work and there's a lot, I always bring him one. Nothing is off limits! I wouldn't buy myself a treat and not get him something too.

A few months ago I logged onto Tesco and there were some really random junk food items on the favourites. I could see that everything else was stuff we normally buy so I mentioned it to my husband, expecting him to say oh yeah, I bought it when doing xyz' (it was a meal deal type thing) but he denied knowledge. I couldn't care less about the food or money, but the fact he obviously had bought it and was lying really upset me. In the end he said he had bought it on x date. It was pretty recent so I remembered the day, he'd been out but made sure he was home by lunch and I'd spent a while making a nice one as he'd been out all morning. We got into a bit of an argument but he couldn't see that my issue was why was he lying/hiding something so non-important. He didn't see the big deal, but to me it hurt a bit as I always make an effort to bring him a treat if I've had one at work or something, but he hadn't thought to phone and ask if I'd like anything.

I logged onto Tesco tonight and there are all sorts of random items now in favourites - big bags of sweets, sausage rolls and pastries etc. He must have been buying it and eating it in the car, why! Why is he lying to me about something like this!?

He's out and I messaged him when I saw it but I have deleted them all. Maybe I shouldn't even bring it up. Why am I upset. Ffs.

I think I get it. I had a similar experience with an ex. He wanted to lose weight, I wanted to too, but not as much as he did. So we both started eating really healthy. But then I found receipts in his pocket a few times with all junk items on them. Wraps, chocolate, crisps, pastries. It was upsetting to find out he'd been secretly hiding this stuff from me for no reason. It wasn't even that he'd been eating it, but more because he chose to do it so secretly, intentionally hiding it from me as if I would have tried to stop him or something. I really don't know what that was about. For me, I just felt humiliated when thinking about how he was scoffing all that crap in the car before coming in to sit down and eat healthy shit with me, thinking we were in this together.

It's his problem, OP. Whatever this is, it isn't about you. Try not to take it personally. But I understand it's hard not to feel a bit betrayed.

My dad always monitored everyone’s eating and food shopping very closely. He doesn’t mind what everyone eats although likes it if he feels he is eating healthier and inevitably there is surprise and judgement. The result of this is that everyone else in the family has always lead a double life when it comes to eating.

I think you are a bit too enmeshed. Think about it. On one hand you say you don't mind him buying the snacks but then you also say that if you buy a treat for yourself then you should get one for your partner.
Maybe he doesn't want such a fuss over fancying a snack. He doesn't want snack meetings or joint snack decisions. He just wants a bloody sugar fix. Your reaction hints to me why he felt he needed to hide it from you...

Bloody hell let the man eat his Mars bar.

I can't imagine being quizzed on this - are you happy? Are you a secret eater? Why did you lie about eating this?

Maybe he just wants to eat something without an implied accusation, criticism, faux concern, without any commentary at all.

Maybe he's not on board with the healthy eating, or has changed his mind and wants to loosen up, or ate some things he regrets and wants to forget about it, or has led your healthy eating campaign and is a bit embarrassed that he fell off the wagon.

I'll tell you one way to make someone an unhappy, deceitful secret eater and you're doing it right now.

I agree. You sound quite overinvested in this small issue.

I find it quite odd that you are upset about him buying food without your oversight. I do think that’s unusual. I couldn’t care less what my DP buys to eat at work. It just wouldn’t cross my mind.

I would feel pretty stifled and controlled if I was being expected to account for every bit of snack food I ate and the idea that my partner and I have to be at total parity in the things we eat.

You are a his wife, not his mum.

If I ate lots of chocolate one day I wouldn't want to announce it to someone. I'm not secret eating but I don't want to tell someone every single thing I eat or do.
I would be really, really annoyed if I was being questioned about it because it seems controlling. I have previously been in a violent controlling relationship though so anything like that is a big no to me.

Just be less thoughtful to him with buying treats if he isn't thoughtful to you.

Blimey, it's not "secret" eating, it's just eating! On his own! Without consulting you! The horror!

Could it be he's let someone use his tesco clubcard? At the checkout yesterday I'd realised I'd left my phone in the car that has mine on and asked the lady next to me if I could use hers as it would save me some money and she did, I've also done this for other people. It then comes up with their items.

And honestly even if she were his mum this would be mental. Imagine living under this level of scrutiny.

I have binge eating issues and would 100% hide stuff like this from a partner due to shame and self loathing. It doesn’t mean I’m an untrustworthy liar, it means I have disordered eating. Seriously, stop mentioning it to him and stop calling him a liar or suggesting that he is untrustworthy. Be supportive if he wants to talk about it.

Again an example of disordered eating (strict crash diet and then bingeing) and again people with little understanding of disordered eating implying that it makes the person a liar. Food addiction is a real thing and I can promise that your ex couldn’t really control his actions.

Having read about saving so hard you "ran out of food money" I think maybe you need some time to reflect and unclench over both money and food. Extreme frugality/healthiness just really isn't good for anyone and it certainly isn't good for relationships if it means someone has to be interrogated if they buy a snack

I logged onto Tesco tonight and there are all sorts of random items now in favourites - big bags of sweets, sausage rolls and pastries etc. He must have been buying it and eating it in the car, why! Why is he lying to me about something like this!?

He's not lying, is he? If he didn't know before that Tesco's keeps a record of this, he knows now, so he's bought this stuff quite openly. If he wanted to keep it secret he'd be going elsewhere.

You are separate individuals. Get a grip.

oh my god why do you care? can't imagine my husband tracking what food items i'd bought and eaten. this is next level seriously. get a hobby or something

I think the fact that you would even ask him about it shows there's more going on than you're letting on.

The lie could have come from 1 stupid moment of feeling a bit annoyed and defensive and the fact that you've drafted a bunch of messages about more things you've seen on the clubcard is too much.

The weirdest thing for me is that you say you "never" buy food items or anything else without also buying for your husband. That is genuinely weird and screams codependency.

I have no idea what my husband eats during the day, nor he me. It's of zero interest. Also if he comes home with a box of new golf balls I don't sulk because he didn't bring me anything.

This level of enmeshment isn't healthy - you may be married but you should still have individual agency, particularly over such trivial matters.

Sorry but your behaviour comes across as controlling. It really shouldn't matter what he buys and eats as it's his life, body and money. It would be nice if he always got something for you too but he probably just forgets. If I'm buying a quick snack then I wouldn't think to get anything for my husband. He likely lied as he didn't like being confronted about his eating habits and felt attacked. I really think you should let this go.

If he is secret eating OP it might not be even be about hiding it from you, he might be hiding it from everyone (even though in reality nobody cares).
He might have been made to feel ashamed or he could be one of those people who like to give the impression they are super healthy and fit but then behind closed doors they have a binge. This is very common-mainly because people are human beings but often try to give the impression they are fitter/richer/more intelligent than anyone else usually due to low self-esteem.
I had a friend once who was a real Hyacinth Bucket type and loved everyone to think she was something she wasn't. I realised how much this pretence had made her a prisoner in her own life when we were out shopping and she bought a window blind from a discount shop that was the perfect colour that she wanted. She tied herself in absolute knots at the worry of any of her neighbours seeing her carry it into the house. I had never experienced anything like it.

Of course he could. Yet somehow he chooses to eat large quantities of junk food in secret and lie about it, so obviously there's something getting in the way of him functioning as a healthy autonomous adult. Ironically those who love the opportunity to label women 'controlling' lack the awareness to see what a disservice this does to men if it leads to a failure to acknowledge the possibility they may have an underlying issue with which they could need support. Undiagnosed mental health problems including ED are a significant problem for men. But let's not let that get in the way of calling women controlling.

I mentioned it to my husband, expecting him to say oh yeah, I bought it when doing xyz' (it was a meal deal type thing) but he denied knowledge.

He's not lying, is he?

I'm genuinely interested as to how this isn't lying?

He denied he'd bought it when he had. And pp saying his lying was caused by OP asking him, and they'd lie too if asked if they had bought a packet of crisps.

I think I must have a totally different approach to honesty than most people on this thread because I can't imagine lying over a packet of crisps because I thought I shouldn't be eating crisps - I'm not 5 years old!

Are people generally going through life just casually lying to their partners and it's no big deal?

"Dp did you buy this chocolate at Tesco? It's coming up on our account"
"No not me and you shouldn't be quizzing me about my eating habits!!"

Maybe read about eating disorders and the secrecy and shame that accompanies it.

He can have all the issues under the sun the op is still controlling no matter how they dress it up

@Tbry24
Why are you without food if he didn't buy it? You're an adult buy it yourself.
This strict division of its his turn therefore I cannot do the thing is pathetic.

It’s just very weird for someone to be secret eating

It’s not that weird.