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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Family kept illness secret before GCSE’s

138 replies

Happyharry2003 · 04/06/2024 12:50

Hi
im just wondering if IBU as my family say I am but they have a history of telling me i overreact.

My daughter is in the middle of her GCSE’s. On Sunday we went to a family party to celebrate her cousins birthday.

Today her sister woke up with a sickness bug.

I have since found out one of the children at the gathering (10 adults and kids in total) went to doctor and hospital friday and Saturday due to being unwell and dehydrated. Subsequently, their whole family came down with a vomiting bug yesterday. Nobody told me anything.

if I had been told anyone was ill I would not have attended with my daughters. The adults at the party were aware how important these exams are to my youngest daughter and chose not to mention the cousins illness prior to us arriving. They only mentioned the cousin being under the weather just as we left.

I am so disappointed that this was kept from me and also that no one thought it important enough to give me the option of not attending due to GCSE’s. I told a family member how sad this has made me feel and how anxious my youngest now is that she might catch this vomiting bug right in the middle of the exams. I was told I was being ridiculous and that she could always resit them another time.

aibu?

OP posts:
Maddy70 · 04/06/2024 13:43

You are right. Totally inconsiderate. I would be livid

spiderlight · 04/06/2024 13:44

You are absolutely not being unreasonable - I would have been livid!! My son sat his GCSEs last year and struggled with illness throughout (longer-term thing, not a bug), and 'just' resitting while his mates went off to college would have been devastating for him, never mind a logistical nightmare. I really hope your DD doesn't come down with the bug, but even if she doesn't, the anxiety about the possibility is an extra burden you could all do without.

Original poster
Happyharry2003 · 04/06/2024 13:51

Thanks. The family know she has asd and used to have cyclical vomiting when anxious so know that the minute she gets worried she’s likely to feel sick. But I’m just keeping everything crossed now and setting up an isolation room for her at home now

OP posts:
anon12345anon · 04/06/2024 13:57

I have a pretty chilled view with regards to GCSEs, etc- but honestly, I'm fuming on your behalf!
Fucking selfish of the family - and they know that, otherwise they'd have mentioned a child going to bloody hospital beforehand!!!

As I get older (+ probably premenopausal!) I don't have the capacity or tolerance for this shit anymore.....

YANBU - and don't let them tell you otherwise!

Hope your daughter stays well (+ good luck with the exams!) x

Crunchymum · 04/06/2024 14:08

Happyharry2003 · 04/06/2024 12:56

Phew thanks all! Just to clarify the illness didn’t present in the very young child as a sickness bug but as dehydration/temp but even so I would expect to have been given the choice. The fact the rest of them now have sickness, dehydration and temps suggests it’s all the same thing.

So the poorly child didn't have a sickness bug?

But since the party the others have come down with a sickness bug?

They should have told you the child was ill but if she wasn't ill with a sickness bug then what were they supposed to tell you about the sickness bug?

Original poster
Happyharry2003 · 04/06/2024 14:10

Crunchymum · 04/06/2024 14:08

So the poorly child didn't have a sickness bug?

But since the party the others have come down with a sickness bug?

They should have told you the child was ill but if she wasn't ill with a sickness bug then what were they supposed to tell you about the sickness bug?

Show quote history

Never asked them to tell me about the sickness bug. Just that they should’ve had said one of them was ill (been to dr/hospital - still unwell) knowing about my daughters exams and meeting up the day before

OP posts:
HcbSS · 04/06/2024 15:40

Rainydayinlondon · 04/06/2024 12:52

Not a bit unreasonable. Your family are utterly selfish. Fingers crossed your daughter doesn’t succumb… hopefully the longer the time since Sunday, the less likely it is

Sadly not true because she will most likely catch it off her sister who I assume lives in the same house…or a parent who gets it first.

greenpolarbear · 04/06/2024 15:58

It's horrible to do anything like that, people just don't care. This is how I ended up with (long) covid, from family spreading it and not telling anyone they had it.

3luckystars · 04/06/2024 16:35

Well I noticed it a lot, people do something to you, you can explain it away and even accept it, but if they do it to your children, you can see the ‘wrongness’ of it, and all is revealed.

I do think you have a decision to make about them. You don’t have to suffer anymore.

Original poster
Happyharry2003 · 04/06/2024 16:51

3luckystars · 04/06/2024 16:35

Well I noticed it a lot, people do something to you, you can explain it away and even accept it, but if they do it to your children, you can see the ‘wrongness’ of it, and all is revealed.

I do think you have a decision to make about them. You don’t have to suffer anymore.

I will. You are absolutely spot on. Thank you.

OP posts:
PollyPut · 04/06/2024 16:58

@Happyharry2003 I would have declined the invitation to the party due to GCSEs in the first place.

I expect your relatives may not have thought about this too much. Often relatives/friends without children do not know when the exams are. If they had thought about it then they obviously they should have warned you

Magicpaintbrush · 04/06/2024 16:58

Selfish fucking bastards. My God, what planet are they on? They should be ashamed (they won't be though as they are self absorbed arseholes). Your poor daughter. I hope she doesn't catch it - but the anxiety will be making this worse for her anyway. I'd be going absolutely thermo nuclear about this.

Original poster
Happyharry2003 · 04/06/2024 16:59

PollyPut · 04/06/2024 16:58

@Happyharry2003 I would have declined the invitation to the party due to GCSEs in the first place.

I expect your relatives may not have thought about this too much. Often relatives/friends without children do not know when the exams are. If they had thought about it then they obviously they should have warned you

Yes we should have done. Though they were all 100% aware of the exams.

OP posts:
PollyPut · 04/06/2024 17:00

Happyharry2003 · 04/06/2024 16:59

Yes we should have done. Though they were all 100% aware of the exams.

Show quote history

If they were aware then they should have thought to tell you. Just get your daughter to lay low for the next couple of weeks to get through this.

Reugny · 04/06/2024 17:05

YANBU

Neither myself or my DD could see an old friend a lot before he died due to her catching stuff from school and passing it to me.

Personally in future I would stay away from these people a month leading up to anything important that your daughter has.

Grendacious · 04/06/2024 17:09

If the child had actually been sick I'd be absolutely livid that they didn't tell me.

The fact that they were more just under the weather makes me sit on the fence as that comes and goes wirh children a lot and I wouldn't necessarily expect to be warned. Plus it's not definitely related to the adults subsequent stomach bug (although I agree it's reasonably likely). I'd find the attitude from your family upsetting as it's so dismissive of your upset. That said, you and your DD are the ones with the exams in mind and therefore need to be the ones to take appropriate precautions (maybe ask about illness first before meeting up, maybe even avoid people for the couple of days before just in case). Other people, even family just won't be thinking of her exams in the same way.

Yousay55 · 04/06/2024 18:53

My dd was violently sick before her a level exam and the school told the examining board & she got her expected grade.
hopefully it won’t come to this with your dd.

GoingOnHol · 04/06/2024 19:13

just under the weather

Not sure I'd class being hospitalised as being under the weather.
@PollyPut a couple of hours relaxation in the midst of exams is acceptable, and would have been a nice break from revision

PollyPut · 04/06/2024 19:30

GoingOnHol · 04/06/2024 19:13

just under the weather

Not sure I'd class being hospitalised as being under the weather.
@PollyPut a couple of hours relaxation in the midst of exams is acceptable, and would have been a nice break from revision

@GoingOnHol Totally agree that a couple of hours relaxation in the middle of exams is acceptable. That's not the reason I would have declined though; it would have been caution. The risk of illness from a busy gathering would have concerned me. In the same way that when one of my DC recently had an exam, we chose not to eat in a crowded restaurant with a bunch full of strangers the day before it but sat outside instead. I know quite a few people who've had covid again recently and that feeling of caution I gained during covid has somewhat stuck around our house.

Oh, that and the fact that I tend to find family parties are impossible to leave after just a couple of hours, however hard we try...

OP is not BU. Resits are really not desirable - the only ones that can be done in November are maths and english. Don't suppose the relatives considered that when they made that comment.

Original poster
Happyharry2003 · 04/06/2024 20:16

Yes it was much more than under the weather. You don’t need to go to a&e out of hours just under the weather. It wasn’t even much a of a gathering - 10 people for two hours. Anyway nothing I can do about it now. She got through history ok today but tonight will tell if she’s caught it or not. Luckily me and my partner so far haven’t so hopefully it stays that way for her sake.

thanks again for all your support. It’s been a very lonely day personally so it’s been lovely having the online support x

OP posts:
Original poster
Happyharry2003 · 04/06/2024 20:38

She’s got the bug. Heart broken for her. She’s worked so hard

OP posts:
ginnybag · 04/06/2024 20:49

Oh, poor girl. Why are people so thoughtless?

When is her next exam? You need to let her school know as soon as possible

JamMonster · 04/06/2024 20:53

YANBU - Poor thing 😢, I hope she feels better soon. I think you said the school have already helped but make sure she has a doctors note if she needs it to apply for mitigating circumstances. See if it can apply to the exam she took today too if she thinks it impacted her performance. An awful situation - I’d be fuming if I were her (or you)!

That said, I’ve been ill at exam time before (not vomiting though) and powered through with the exam, I did well and am still proud of my resilience - I used it as an example in a job interview recently. If she feels like trying then it might be worth a go, maybe discuss with the school what happens if she starts but can’t finish? Best of luck to her!

Cupcake333333 · 04/06/2024 20:59

Nottherealslimshady · 04/06/2024 12:52

YANBU you inform people of a sickness bug before socialising with them. It's common sense and common courtesy.
PILs once invited us round for dinner then told us it was the first thing they'd been able to keep down as they'd had it coming out both ends for 2 days. We started that evening.

I don't know if those people are thick or selfish .

Both!

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 04/06/2024 21:02

YANBU I would be furious