To have another child so that my son with ASD has someone to look out for him when I'm not here

[Whattodo14]

I have been pondering this a lot lately. My son is 7 , an only child, has mild to moderate ASD, he doesn't have a learning disability and is quite bright but very delayed socially and emotionally and his ability to communicate is limited. For example he has no sense of danger and often goes into his own world when we are out so he needs supervised when outside so he doesn't accidentally walk out into a road when he's lost in thought. He also doesn't understand people can be manipulative and could take advantage of him.
I am 36, his dad is 40, we don't want another child but we are also worried about what could happen to him when he's older and we are not around. We don't have much family either so my son really would be on his own when we are both gone and I feel so guilty about this.
AIBU to have another child just for my own peace of mind and for him, so that he at least has a sibling when we are no longer here?

You don't get to decide that. If you don't yourself want a child, you are creating a human being purely as a service for your other child.

@Comedycook who's providing support for the second sibling though? This issue is this couple do not want another child. They want someone to support their son in the future. It's ok as one of the reasons to have another child. I have a friend who's parents died young and she wants a few children so they can support each other but the key is support each other.

My thoughts exactly!

Totally unreasonable...you're better off getting money invested for him.
Would you have an unwanted child so they could be a donor for the first? All children should be loved and wanted.

But as he gets older his needs will become more apparent if ts looking like he's going
to need support to manage his finances or supported living, than there are places that can help with this I think I remember the case you are referring to and I think it was a female but it was terrible ,but it actually happened when she had a loving and supportive family around her
You don't know right now what level of support he will need aa an adult all you can do is carry on supporting his needs right now.

You should definitely not do this. My DH's brother is autistic and at nearly 40 he still lives at home. My DH has no interest in his brother at all, they are not close (I know that sounds horrible, but circumstances too lengthy for this post mean they just don't have a good sibling relationship). DH has explicitly said to his parents many times that they need to ensure there is care in place for his brother for after they pass away or become infirm. They just brush it off and bury their heads in the sand. I think that they secretly think that if they just leave it, my DH and I will pick up all the care for his brother when they are no longer around. DH is adamant that won't be happening, but in reality we may not be left with any choice. It's not a great situation for either brother to be in.

I think this is true. If you're going to have a child as a carer for an older child (although a terrible idea in itself), having just one more is really quite unfair. Have 2 or 3 and then they can support each other.

Coming next - the post where the OP leaves all the money to the older child because the younger one won't need it (but still be expected to care for the older).

Please don't. If your child is as disabled as you say sort out potential residential care options while you are still fit and able for when you are no longer able to care for him.

That's still being a carer ...my sister has died leaving her 30 year old son I'm now doing his paperwork, reassuring him, taking him to appointments, reminding him to eat, feed the dog, wash. He's always on my mind why would you knowingly want this for a sibling.
There are social services that provide this support or if unable to live at home supported housing.

That's a terrible idea. You say neither you or DH want another DC. The DC would know they were unwanted and only born to be a caregiver to elder siblings. Just pay a carer if you need help with your DC.

I haven’t read the full thread - only the OPs updates. I understand you feeling worried for your son but no, you cannot have another child that you don’t really want just to make sure your current child will be ok. I don’t know what the answer is, but it’s not this.
And that’s even if your second child has no disabilities themselves.
Please do not do this OP

As has already been said, there's no guarantee your second child won't have some sort of disability. Also, as they grow older, they'll need to make their own way in life - they may be adamant they don't want to be a carer/support to their sibling. Also, they might want to go to uni, meet a partner who lives/might want to live in another part of the UK/World, might want to do a particular job and there aren't any opportunities locally.

The best thing you can do is work hard, do your best to save and invest and ensure in your Will that there's money in a trust to support your DS if he needs it. Also, if you do your best to support him now in terms of your love, support, schooling support and any organisations that can help him cope/understand things better, that can only help.

Hell no

Set up a trust and care plan instead.

Not a sibling, but I have an Aunt in her 70s with considerable learning disabilities (cannot read or write, no emotional reasoning, some concerns with sense of safety.) She lived with my Grandad all her life, until he died about 7 years ago. We thought she would have to go into supported accommodation, but my Grandad had actually been preparing her, and she can prepare about 6 meals, and lives quite a basic existence in a rural village. My Mum (her sister) visits at least once a week - she is about 1.5 hours away - as we realised that she wouldn't be happy being moved away from the home she'd lived in all her life. She inherited the house, and has enough, given her simple lifestyle. My brother manages her money, my sister and I her health/appointments, etc. We (Mum, two siblings and I) have Power of Attorney.

Anyway, all of that is to try and reassure you that a life is possible in a semi-independant way, when a child with LDs grows up. As it was, my Mum was one of 7 children, but only my Mum and Aunt are left, sadly. I do think that having another child for this purpose isn't fair on that child - and who knows if they would even outlive you..... I would say that putting a support system in place (paid or otherwise), is way more important.

I have one with ASD OP, one of the things he is most glad about is that he doesn't have any siblings. He would really struggle with the noise and them wanting to play with or touch his things. Having only one also means I can put all my time, effort and resources into him.

Having another child just so there is someone who will hopefully check in with him occasionally when he is an adult is madness IMO.

You can’t create a person and condemn them to servitude. That’s what you are talking about. Taking their freedom away.

They will probably want to look after their sibling, but equally they might not, and potentially every one of their life choices will be influenced by this expectation.

A former colleague of mine had two daughters; the older one suffered brain damage at birth, the consequences of which which did not become immediately apparent, but she was always clear that the younger sister's role would never be "carer by default". She worked tirelessly to give her elder daughter the opportunities and support she needed, but she used to say that the younger sister's part was to do the one thing she could not do - take her sibling into the world of childhood. It has to be said, the second baby was planned because - they wanted a second baby for its own sake.
She has since , sadly, died, but not before seeing her elder daughter living in supported accommodation; the two sisters maintain a good relationship.
What you are contemplating is bringing another child into the world, which you were not considering otherwise, for a burden they may be unwilling or incapable of carrying, and as many PP's have pointed out, there is no guarantee that this child would not have needs of their own.

I would focus on saving money to help pay for his care when he's older, rather than spending it on a second child.

@SummerFeverVenice

Why do you assume the partner will be autistic?

There isn't some club we become part of.
I don't know a single autistic adult.

One of my friends has a autistic son who is now in his teens. She has an older child also.
Her older child is in his 20s, living away from home and at the start of a new career.
My friend has been working with her autistic child for years so that he can do things for himself and could manage with some support as he gets older. She can't expect her older child to care for him 24/7.

She also told me that if she had another child they would have a very high chance of having autism and it be worse than her son's. She decided not to have another child for this reason.
I currently know one family with 3 children with autism and the 3rd child is non verbal and has severe autism. Another family I know has a high functioning child in his late teens who is working PT. He told me my brother is far worse with autism than I am.

I think that you need to contact the autism society and see if your getting all the services or financial help that your entitled to. Look into supported living in your area and see what could be available long term for your son. Get help from the services and be willing to do extra work and bring your son to extra circular activities also as they can help. Look up on FB as there could be a local group of mothers like yourself. Some with an older child could give you advice and tips to help you, your husband and child. See as well if you can avail of some respite as it can be good for you and your son.

I would also look into and get advice re planning for when your son is older and what steps you can put in place for him.

Also some of things you mentioned will get better with age.

I'm the eldest of four children (the youngest of whom has learning disabilities, we'll call her D).

I have my own children, one of whom has autism with severe learning disabilities - not in a position to look after D.

B doesn't have learning disabilities, but is probably neurodivergent in some way and I believe is also rather depressed, dependent on mum and dad, struggles to get/maintain jobs and with hygiene. Don't think she'd cope looking after D.

C moved far away and is enjoying being rather footloose and fancy-free, I don't think he'd want to be responsible for D.

Your second child would want his/her own life and will have his/her own obligations.

Frankly, I don't expect my other kids to tailor their adult hoods to looking out for my autistic child too much, I expect they will come to feel that it was enough that so much of their childhood revolved around his needs. I say that as someone whose own problems were very much pushed aside because all of mum and dad's mental bandwidth was spoken for getting D diagnosed and supported.

Is this a joke or a reverse? No, you can't have a child you don't want as a ready made carer for your autistic son.

I'm 40 and my mum helps me loads. There is no reason you can't help him at that age.

What happens if the new one is ASD also, or has another health issue, either mental, physical, developmental?
You can't rely on them to act as a carer to their sibling even if they do turn out to be physically, financially and emotionally capable.
What a terrible idea.
Please just focus on the one you have. it's a tough situation for you but throwing an unwanted baby into the mix in the hope they'll become a guardian or carer to their elder sibling in 20 years is not going to help.