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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no more coaching for DS

121 replies

fresherprincess · 03/06/2024 22:43

DS is 13. Nearly 14. He's a delightful boy- funny, kind and clever. DH and I aren't sporty in the least so when we had DD (his older sister) she was a bit of a surprise- very athletic, good at all sports. Everything she tried she was brilliant at. She's played team sports at a county level and represented our borough in the youth games etc. Sport is a massive part of her life and our home is full of beefy sporty teens.

DS is ok at sport. He's better than me or DH ever were, but that is a low, low bar. He's C team (when the teams go to E) and occasionally subbing into B team level. The thing is he tries really really hard. Attends all trainings. Goes the extra mile. He's just... not that good. And at the age he is natural talent is important. Lads who have started a long time after him are now much better because they have sporting ability. He's pulled himself up to C/B Team level through sheer effort and I think he should be proud, enjoy himself, carry on playing but not keep pushing. The few times he's been moved up it's not worked and he's gone down again.

He's now asking for some expensive private lessons over summer. We can afford it, and tbh we paid for DD to do something similar for her sport, but I think it's a mistake. He'll easily be the worst one there (again) and get upset, and lads that age can be arses. Frankly there comes a point when you need to be realistic- he's improving but lots of lads his age are getting significantly better and he's just not.

I really want him to carry on playing. It'll be great having the odd game at university and joining the uni club. Physical fitness is really important and I love his enthusiasm- but he's also getting a bit down about it and I don't think the coaching will help.

Would I be a bad mum if I suggested he do something different?

OP posts:
TeaKitten · 03/06/2024 22:48

Maybe have an open discussion with him and make other suggestions, but if it really matters to him then I’d pay for it. Because he won’t see it as you saving him from other kids opinions, he will see that’d you’d pay for his sister and not for him, because he’s not good enough. And obviously that’s not the message to send to your son. And there’s nothing wrong with a c team, stop comparing him to his sister. He’s a hard worker and is doing well at his own level, that’s enough.

minipie · 03/06/2024 22:49

Private lessons, doesn’t that mean he’d be the only one there? Or do you mean private as in not via school/club?

How many sports has he tried? I am rubbish at all ball sports, but surprisingly decent at sports that don’t involve connecting with a moving projectile.

littlebluecaravan · 03/06/2024 22:52

If you can afford it easily and he wants to improve and boost his confidence then you should give him the same opportunity as his sister.

You can be realistic about his long term plans for the sport, and also be supportive of his enthusiasm and desire to lean and improve.

Original poster
fresherprincess · 03/06/2024 22:52

TeaKitten · 03/06/2024 22:48

Maybe have an open discussion with him and make other suggestions, but if it really matters to him then I’d pay for it. Because he won’t see it as you saving him from other kids opinions, he will see that’d you’d pay for his sister and not for him, because he’s not good enough. And obviously that’s not the message to send to your son. And there’s nothing wrong with a c team, stop comparing him to his sister. He’s a hard worker and is doing well at his own level, that’s enough.

The thing is I'm really proud of him. What he's achieved has been through sheer effort. His sister had it kind of easy in comparison!

I just think this won't be successful and will end up making him feel bad about himself- when he should be proud.

OP posts:
ricekrispi · 03/06/2024 22:52

Any teen who is seeking out opportunities to be physically fit and better themselves at a sport should be encouraged (if finances allow)

Hard work often outstrips talent in the end too so I’m really impressed by his dedication.

OneMomentPlease · 03/06/2024 22:52

Surely if the more talented kids do the extra coaching and he doesn’t then the gap will get wider though? If he wants to do it and you can afford it then absolutely you should facilitate it imo. 14 is the age kids start dropping out of sport so I’d everything you can to keep him engaged. Team sports offer so much more then physical accomplishment as you will have seen from your DD.

Plus, if you paid for something similar for your DD but won’t for him that’s sending a pretty clear message that you don’t think he’s worth it. (Unless he has another hobby he excels at, music etc, where the money and time would be better spent.)

Original poster
fresherprincess · 03/06/2024 22:54

minipie · 03/06/2024 22:49

Private lessons, doesn’t that mean he’d be the only one there? Or do you mean private as in not via school/club?

How many sports has he tried? I am rubbish at all ball sports, but surprisingly decent at sports that don’t involve connecting with a moving projectile.

He's tried all of them. There's been a significant commitment from all of us getting him to school and club lessons. Football, rugby, tennis, swimming, cricket. He's... ok. He's focused on rugby because his size gives him an advantage and cricket because his friends play.

OP posts:
senua · 03/06/2024 22:54

I really want him to carry on playing. It'll be great having the odd game at university and joining the uni club.
You aren't guaranteed a place in the Uni team if you were A team at school; a C team player won't get a sniff.

Danioyellow · 03/06/2024 22:55

Yabu!!! He’s clearly enjoying it and it sounds like he’s massively passionate about it! What an absolutely shit thing to teach your kid, you’re not good enough at what you enjoy doing so we’re not going to bother supporting you. You should only do things that you excel at and can show off about. He’ll need bloody therapy after growing up in his sisters shadow with the world praise that gets heaped upon her, but his parents are disappointed at forking out for more lessons as in your words ‘he’ll just be the worst again’. Poor kid

TeaKitten · 03/06/2024 22:58

You don’t sound proud OP, he’s …ok and ‘not that good’, that’s not proud. He doesn’t have to be as good as his sister. You are clearly comparing the two.

Original poster
fresherprincess · 03/06/2024 22:59

Danioyellow · 03/06/2024 22:55

Yabu!!! He’s clearly enjoying it and it sounds like he’s massively passionate about it! What an absolutely shit thing to teach your kid, you’re not good enough at what you enjoy doing so we’re not going to bother supporting you. You should only do things that you excel at and can show off about. He’ll need bloody therapy after growing up in his sisters shadow with the world praise that gets heaped upon her, but his parents are disappointed at forking out for more lessons as in your words ‘he’ll just be the worst again’. Poor kid

Please don't feel bad for him! He gets plenty of praise for lots of things- he's an amazingly talented mathematician and a great guitar player and builds fabulous things in DT and is amazing in debate club- he's got loads of talents that frankly get less attention from him because he thinks he should be good at sport.

OP posts:
Littletreefrog · 03/06/2024 22:59

senua · 03/06/2024 22:54

I really want him to carry on playing. It'll be great having the odd game at university and joining the uni club.
You aren't guaranteed a place in the Uni team if you were A team at school; a C team player won't get a sniff.

This may be true for some universities and some sports but certainly not all. I played on the womens uni football team despite only playing at a very low level before uni. Mainly because it wasn't a popular sport at the time at the university I went to. Also our mens rugby had several teams from the really very good to the mainly in it for the drinking so there was a place for everybody.

Undisclosedlocation · 03/06/2024 23:00

Have you not thought of the very real possibility that you will massively dent his self esteem by effectively saying
“you aren’t that good, so we don’t consider you worth the investment, even though we can afford it and did similar for your more talented sister” ?

Spirallingdownwards · 03/06/2024 23:01

If you can afford it then do it. He may surprise you. Indeed it may make a difference when he gets back to school. With boys in particular as they grow and develop often the "average" kids are the late developers who go on to be better later.

Also they tend to know their own place in the pecking order and the fact he has asked does at least show he wants to get better. It's great he wants to and I wouldn't discourage him especially in circumstances where you can afford it anyway.

Original poster
fresherprincess · 03/06/2024 23:01

TeaKitten · 03/06/2024 22:58

You don’t sound proud OP, he’s …ok and ‘not that good’, that’s not proud. He doesn’t have to be as good as his sister. You are clearly comparing the two.

I'm proud of the effort and commitment. However, when do we as parents say "hey, this isn't going to go how you'd like it to. Carry on playing. Have fun. Keep trying. Focus on the other things that make you happy".

OP posts:
Danioyellow · 03/06/2024 23:02

fresherprincess · 03/06/2024 22:59

Please don't feel bad for him! He gets plenty of praise for lots of things- he's an amazingly talented mathematician and a great guitar player and builds fabulous things in DT and is amazing in debate club- he's got loads of talents that frankly get less attention from him because he thinks he should be good at sport.

Show quote history

We’re not talking about music and maths. And he’s not asking for praise and attention. He’s asking for summer lessons. Which his sister is allowed but he isn’t as c team isn’t good enough for you so he may as well stop trying

TeaKitten · 03/06/2024 23:04

fresherprincess · 03/06/2024 23:01

I'm proud of the effort and commitment. However, when do we as parents say "hey, this isn't going to go how you'd like it to. Carry on playing. Have fun. Keep trying. Focus on the other things that make you happy".

Show quote history

Probably not before he’s had the private coaching you gave his sister. Is he not allowed to work things out for himself? Do you need to manage this aspect of his life? You can discuss it without refusing to give him what you gave his sister.

CrapBucket · 03/06/2024 23:06

Surely he can play rugby at any level and it’s still worthwhile? If he enjoys the sport and gets exercise and team fun, then it is going how he’d like it to. You don’t have to win at sport or measure its purpose in goals/points/trophies. It can also just be a nice way of spending time.

Original poster
fresherprincess · 03/06/2024 23:07

Spirallingdownwards · 03/06/2024 23:01

If you can afford it then do it. He may surprise you. Indeed it may make a difference when he gets back to school. With boys in particular as they grow and develop often the "average" kids are the late developers who go on to be better later.

Also they tend to know their own place in the pecking order and the fact he has asked does at least show he wants to get better. It's great he wants to and I wouldn't discourage him especially in circumstances where you can afford it anyway.

We can and it's sounding like I probably should.
However I do worry. He was really upset after the coaching sessions last year - none of his friends go, the other lads there all play in teams together and are friendly and they frankly weren't very kind. After one session the coach yelled at them all for their behaviour- not passing to DS even when he was free etc - but that just made things worse.

He might improve- or he might be crushed.

OP posts:
Pin0cchio · 03/06/2024 23:08

Hard work often outstrips talent in the end too

Nah, it doesn't. Hard work with talent can outstrip talent alone but you don't get top level athletes lacking natural ability who've got there through work.

Yanbu op. I've actively steered my DS away from the most competitive sports because he is competitive but lacks talent and finds it all a constant disappointment. He does his absolute best but his best will simply never be good enough. He has other talents, and we are focussing on encouraging those.

ScandiNoirNuit · 03/06/2024 23:09

I get where you are coming from OP. We have similar with a kid who plays tons of a particular sport but doesn’t really progress through the teams. He has made his peace with it and we talk to him about the value of playing at whatever level you can as there are so many benefits, as I’m sure you recognise. I want to encourage that and so we pay for all sorts of extra things even though we all know he isn’t suddenly going to get picked for A team. If you can afford to, I would suppport him doing it but also try to manage his expectations whilst continuing to foster a love for sport.

Pin0cchio · 03/06/2024 23:09

Is it football op?

Don't do it. Honestly. Don't.

Original poster
fresherprincess · 03/06/2024 23:09

CrapBucket · 03/06/2024 23:06

Surely he can play rugby at any level and it’s still worthwhile? If he enjoys the sport and gets exercise and team fun, then it is going how he’d like it to. You don’t have to win at sport or measure its purpose in goals/points/trophies. It can also just be a nice way of spending time.

But this is what I'm saying! Play it. Have fun. Train. I'm not saying stop playing.

But don't book into private sessions with very talented lads who are a lot better and not at all welcoming.

OP posts:
MyFirstLittlePony · 03/06/2024 23:11

As a sporty person, I have to say you got this completely wrong

if he enjoys it, and gets to play for a team, and you can afford it, it is a no brainer: do it

by not wanting him to feel future disappointment (that is a parenting step too far anyway, we cannot and should not shield our kids from ever feeling disappointment) you are robbing him off a chance to continue enjoying his sport.

a team, b team, d team, who cares. Not getting into the uni team? He will be able to join the local club for normal people. We get lots of tennis players who did not get into the uni team and still play competitive and enjoy it

you can do sports at all levels, and all levels are worthy, as it leads to a lifetime of enjoyment of sports

Pin0cchio · 03/06/2024 23:13

Yeah if its rugby definitely no.

Some kids just get rugby. There were kids at DS club who were streets ahead at age 7, they just were faster, could see the space on the pitch. They look different playing. If you aren't in that bucket its crap playing with them - despite rules about 3 passes and coaches encouraging team play they will play selfishly and a weaker player will never get hands on the ball.