To say no more coaching for DS

[fresherprincess]

DS is 13. Nearly 14. He's a delightful boy- funny, kind and clever. DH and I aren't sporty in the least so when we had DD (his older sister) she was a bit of a surprise- very athletic, good at all sports. Everything she tried she was brilliant at. She's played team sports at a county level and represented our borough in the youth games etc. Sport is a massive part of her life and our home is full of beefy sporty teens.

DS is ok at sport. He's better than me or DH ever were, but that is a low, low bar. He's C team (when the teams go to E) and occasionally subbing into B team level. The thing is he tries really really hard. Attends all trainings. Goes the extra mile. He's just... not that good. And at the age he is natural talent is important. Lads who have started a long time after him are now much better because they have sporting ability. He's pulled himself up to C/B Team level through sheer effort and I think he should be proud, enjoy himself, carry on playing but not keep pushing. The few times he's been moved up it's not worked and he's gone down again.

He's now asking for some expensive private lessons over summer. We can afford it, and tbh we paid for DD to do something similar for her sport, but I think it's a mistake. He'll easily be the worst one there (again) and get upset, and lads that age can be arses. Frankly there comes a point when you need to be realistic- he's improving but lots of lads his age are getting significantly better and he's just not.

I really want him to carry on playing. It'll be great having the odd game at university and joining the uni club. Physical fitness is really important and I love his enthusiasm- but he's also getting a bit down about it and I don't think the coaching will help.

Would I be a bad mum if I suggested he do something different?

But if he’s been before he knows what to expect so if he’s not worried about the others being “mean” I don’t think you should be. If he wants to go then encourage him. He’ll learn from it and improve his game whether for the B team or the C team.

Yeah, unfortunately, I think this is just something he has to figure out on his own. I would just pay for the coaching while always being extra encouraging about things he is good at (which it sounds like you probably are). I understand though why it is frustrating to watch your son put so much emphasis on something he will only ever be mediocre at while neglecting his real aptitudes. And I was the same way when I was a kid—a perennial C teamer who was always desperate to be good at sport and constantly undervalued my academic and artistic abilities

I don't know about rugby, but I do know about cricket. DS2 is a very average player but he enjoys it and loves the comraderie. The thing about cricket is there are so many levels you can play at as an adult that it's brilliant. A lifelong sport and you don't have to be at the top levels.

Winter training, I found the group sessions to not be the best. 1-1 training was far better and both DSs have improved a huge amount. Especially for DS2, the improvement was such a lift for him when the cricket season started.

You don’t sound proud OP, he’s …ok and ‘not that good’, that’s not proud. He doesn’t have to be as good as his sister. You are clearly comparing the two

This is a ridiculous and unfair comment.

You can love and be proud of a dc without being blind and thinking they're Gods-gift at anything they turn their hand to. My youngest ds does swimming, amongst other things. He puts so much effort into it but I can objectively say he's not that good at swimming in comparison to his peers. OR in comparison to elder 2 dc at a similar age. That means I have eyes in my head, nothing more. I will continue to pay for his weekly lessons and encourage him in spare time to swim but I'd certainly think twice about paying out ££ to put him in a swimming club with the elite of his age group.

Op in your shoes I would try and steer him away from the expensive private lessons. I'd remind him that he didn't enjoy them last year and ask if there's something he'd like to do more.

As a side note, I have dc who've played football and rugby for years and you get used to watching different dc play, get to know the strongest on the team etc. Without exception, the strongest rugby and football players are usually the athletes and the less strong are those who clearly aren't quite as physically fit (I don't mean slim FYI...I mean fit. Able to run for miles, fast, good muscle tone etc). Being excellent at football and rugby are both about so much more than just skill with the ball.

How fit is your ds in general? I would potentially be encouraging him to take up 'fitness' instead of extra rugby/football coaching. And point out professional, national players and just how much of their training actually isn't anything to do with the ball - it's daily gym, running, resistance training, endurance training. It improves their game by the side-door even though an hours gym session a day isn't anything to do with the actual sport.

You could get him a gym membership or even pay for a personal trainer it he's a key age for this to sound appealing ime. It would kill two birds, get him off the thought of these lessons AND probably improve his game quite a bit in the longer term.

I think some posters here don’t quite “get” what the football training scene is like. It’s a v popular “high status” sport where you have a lot of competition and it can get very intense at the top end

And yes to this. Age 14 at a private, paid for football or rugby club coaching session is not a 'Ah as long as he's having fun' scenario. I'm assuming lots of replies along these lines have younger children and/or no experience of team sports. Age 14 is just getting into the really competitive league level and it can be BRUTAL.

I get this. It happened to ds in cricket. He really wasn't very good and he didn't have a family player who was well enough or good enough to bowl at him endlessly (there's a reason there's so many sibling pairs in high level cricket).

Most of all, the local cricket club by 12/13 was mostly private school kids who were getting the coaching time all year round. And they were horrible to him. Add in a not particularly strong team coach and the experience got less and less fun. On the positive side, it was ds's choice to give up, but we set the scene for that. He moved to athletics which was a much nicer atmosphere and now finally has found what I would say is his sport, which is - yes- rowing. Like night and day in terms of achievement, ability and fun.

I agree with expressing some of the worries to him - that he got treated badly and you hated seeing him upset, that he has much better times when he's not with that group of people. And why not take the opportunity to learn something new instead.

I'm another who believes in the division between ball sports and balance sports. Ds can balance. He can't do balls.

See if there are any summer sessions in a different sport like rowing where all kids are beginners and some of his friends might go. Say about the intense coaching that you were talking to someone who's son went last year and he didn't enjoy it was a bit brutal with mostly county players , see what he says. However if he still wants to do it then I'd let him and he may have to work this one out for himself and you have an "out" there to support him after, "oh yeah that's what that woman said, it's a bit intense isn't it" so his self esteem isn't too hurt.

He's 14.

You literally have no idea if future potential of his sporting prowess.
At 14yo my son wasn't great at his sport. He worked hard and trained hard because he loves it and 5 years later is international level.

Even if that doesn't happen for your ds you can afford the extra classes. He'll be focussed during holidays and is building determination and resilience which is a life skill.

Too many children have given up ds sport at 14/15yo because they felt being too was the only acceptable place to be when realistically over 10's of 1000's of people who play sport every year only 1 or 2 make it to the top top.

Sport is a lifestyle choice.

Since people are recommending alternative sports, can I also mention Handball...not so popular in the UK so lots of opportunities, very popular on the continent
Speed and power are essential
That said, my DD never got higher than C team but she hates training or playing against similar ability, she says she wants to play against better people to learn. Maybe your DS is the same?

Yes you would be a bad mum.
You have a child who is asking for the same thing you have provided his older sister.
I admire his persistence - he wants to improve himself in a sport he enjoys.
The fact you feel he is not good enough for this support is appaulling.
My son is almost 18 - I have watched boys your son's age go from being in the lowest of sporting teams to the top levels in a few years. Children develop at a different age.
You are also putting your view on your sporting lack on ability on him ie you and you hubby were not good so he is unlikely to be good either. Your daughter is good - there is no reason he could not improve.

Rugby is brutal. It encourages them channels aggression and it absolutely stops being about having a fun game. The training matches for 15 year Olds in some clubs are recorded and played back with stats for each player like a premier league game.
The social side rapidly becomes about drinking.

Rowing is a good idea - team or solo. Also has a kudos, late start for many. Big emphasis on training.

Can he not just do sport because he loves it, it’s good for his health and social skills, and supports an interest in sports that gives an opportunity to play on a social level at uni and when he starts work? Not everything has to be about being the best - it can just be about having fun, showing commitment and being a great team member.

But that's exactly what the OP wants @BusyMummy001

@PermanentTemporary not sure of the purpose of the post, then? He enjoys it, she and DH can afford it. Crack on, then?

(Although the fact that the OP asks whether she should encourage DS to do something else suggests this is not really what she wants, doesn’t it?)

Has he tried Rowing or water polo?

But I would pay for the coaching as this is the age kids give up on sport. Also his resilience and dedication are good traits that I would want to encourage. Resilience is transferable into so many areas in life. My daughter found sports harder than her siblings but she is so very resilient and gives everything a go. It’s paid off as she has really improved. She is now playing a few sports and is incredibly fit and active.

So he’s tall and broad, does he have big hands and feet too? He would be the ideal build for a swimmer.

But what harm can possibly come from letting him play sport if that’s what interests him?

I’m quite a good artist & naturally minded to humanities but do a job in STEM because that’s where my interests lay. I had to work really hard at maths to get to an acceptable level and I’m certainly not the best. I still have a fulfilling and successful career.

Grinding away at something and being resilient is a far more valuable trait than only doing things you’re good at.

Can you suggest he goes into coaching, or helping with the younger squads?

Why does he value sport over everything else - you aren’t sporty his dad isn’t so why is he trying to achieve at something he is old enough to understand his limitations at rather than focussing on what he is.

no amount of private coaching is going to help solve the above.

his sister is - what does she get for being so sporty what about the school

Being the kid in the coaching sessions who is just not that great (compared to the others) sounds miserable. You look like an idiot whose parents splashed the cash (“all the gear, no idea” vibe) and the better players just ignore you in the games and mutter amongst themselves about why on earth you’re there and take the piss out of you.

I would strongly remind him about last year OP and how upset he got. If he hasn’t improved on a steeper curve from last year (given he’s still in the C team sounds like he hasn’t) then is this really for him? How many hours for how many weeks? Sounds like a quick route to having a miserable summer. Are there any camps his friends are doing? Would cricket be the better option at this point?

Or does he want the camp to help him improve over summer ahead of the return to school in the hopes of getting bumped up the teams there? The reality is that the better players will keep improving on a higher steeper faster curve than him and the coaching is unlikely to propel him up those centiles at a fast rate, it will just keep him improving on his curve.

I hear you. Could you sway towards something to do with his music or coding summer school. Alternatively, what about watersports. Look at Rockley and what they offer. It sounds like he would make a good windsurfer given his upper body strength and generally watersports people are friendly dudes with a slight surfer vibe.

Similar here too. Ours had two mens football teams that were the 'elite' lads. Then they had their own inter teams usually 5+ teams depending on numbers that would compete against each other. No rivalry between any of the teams and would often all socialise with each other.

Thinking outside the box, could you encourage him to train as a referee, so that he is still involved in the sport, that he obviously loves.

Yabu. It's something he loves doing, why does he only get money spent if he's good at it? He's putting the effort in .