To say no more coaching for DS

[fresherprincess]

DS is 13. Nearly 14. He's a delightful boy- funny, kind and clever. DH and I aren't sporty in the least so when we had DD (his older sister) she was a bit of a surprise- very athletic, good at all sports. Everything she tried she was brilliant at. She's played team sports at a county level and represented our borough in the youth games etc. Sport is a massive part of her life and our home is full of beefy sporty teens.

DS is ok at sport. He's better than me or DH ever were, but that is a low, low bar. He's C team (when the teams go to E) and occasionally subbing into B team level. The thing is he tries really really hard. Attends all trainings. Goes the extra mile. He's just... not that good. And at the age he is natural talent is important. Lads who have started a long time after him are now much better because they have sporting ability. He's pulled himself up to C/B Team level through sheer effort and I think he should be proud, enjoy himself, carry on playing but not keep pushing. The few times he's been moved up it's not worked and he's gone down again.

He's now asking for some expensive private lessons over summer. We can afford it, and tbh we paid for DD to do something similar for her sport, but I think it's a mistake. He'll easily be the worst one there (again) and get upset, and lads that age can be arses. Frankly there comes a point when you need to be realistic- he's improving but lots of lads his age are getting significantly better and he's just not.

I really want him to carry on playing. It'll be great having the odd game at university and joining the uni club. Physical fitness is really important and I love his enthusiasm- but he's also getting a bit down about it and I don't think the coaching will help.

Would I be a bad mum if I suggested he do something different?

I don't know if there's such a thing as 1-1 rugby coaching? But if there is - maybe try to sign him up for that rather than a team camp.

However, if he WANTS to do it despite a previously bad experience - you should let him. It shows he's tough and willing to work super hard.

Apparently Boris Becker was the weakest boy in his tennis academy and was made to play with the girls (Steffi Graf in particular 😅) but he was incredibly hard-working and determined to improve his game. The rest is history. I don't know what happened to the boys that were better than him. 🤷‍♀️

If he has loads of other talents is it as simple as you'd pay for your DD because she's more talented, but not for him because he's not? Or does he get heaps of opportunities in other things that she doesn't get, and fair would be not actually funding this thing on top of everything else?

Or can you find an even more exciting thing to do instead?

If it were just about talent then there's an argument he has as much right to the expensive training as DD, but if there are loads of different angles then I'd work those! There is no harm in saying "no, it's too expensive" sometimes but you do need to keep it demonstrably fair between the children... but fair can be quite nuanced and is about time as well as money.

With team sports there is value in being a "good enough" standard to take it into adulthood. I'm not sure about "the occasional game at uni" - you tend to be in or out - but there are recreational routes in lots of sports, or maybe he can sidestep into Quidditch or ultimate frisbee.

My dd does a sport/hobby that's expensive, she'll never be great at it, mediocre at best, but she loves it, so yes, we pay for her to do this. She'll never compete, but she tries so hard and it's a good and healthy hobby.

Pay for your ds if this is what he wants to do. It's far better for him to be outside doing exercise, team building etc. I'd much rather support this, even if he'll never be great, than sat in his bedroom on his phone.

Just ask him why he wants to go in a cheery, chit-chat way. He'll probably say he enjoys it and wants to stay in B team more. Fine. If he says he wants to go professional, then not so fine.
It sounds like you're over-thinking a bit?

Honestly op . I agree with you. I think that these very elite clubs are not the place for mediocre players. They tend to be fiull of super alpha males who are very good at rugby and know it . From my experience they won't pass to him or include him and probably roll their eyes a little at him being there in the first place . My son would be crushed in such an atmosphere but maybe your son would be more robust .

@fresherprincess no, no, please don’t do that! 😊

I was that kid. My mum said no to ballet and skating because apparently I wasn’t naturally talented, and made me do arts instead, which I hated. I had to pretty much give her an ultimatum to allow me to attend sports training at 12. I wasn’t good at all but I wanted to push myself in something I enjoyed and be with my friends from the sport. If she had said no, I’d have felt left out, again.

Your kid is on a journey. He knows he’s not the best, but kid/teen sports aren’t about excelling and putting things on your CV. It’s about life skills and camaraderie.

You say your son has no talent but has gotten himself to borderline B-team through sheer hard work. That’s teaching him an incredible lesson. It’s giving him a work ethic for life, and that ‘pick yourself up, get up and go again’ mentality. It’s the kids that learn to work hard at a young age that go on to achieve things in life, start things, never finding anything too tough or impossible. He’ll be the one going for a run at 6am while the rest of us are slobbing.

Talent doesn’t teach you anything, it makes you lazy. Being challenged to work hard and push yourself does.

If your kid wants to put the work in and asking for this and you can afford it, please please let him. Most parents struggle to get their kid to put their phone down and do something worthwhile with their time. Please don’t hold him back and teach him to quit something just because it’s hard and others are better.

He enjoys it, let him make his own decisions.

I wish someone would have told my mum that in the 90s.

Iguess the question only you can answer is why does he think he should be good at sport? is this because he has seen the praise heaped onto his sibling for being this? perhaps you need to disproportionately praise his other talents now.

I agree with what some others have suggested - get him to try something a bit more niche that plays to his body shape and strengths. If he is putting in the effort you say, there is a chance he could reach a really good standard. Rowing, fencing, martial arts might all be good options. Could summer camps give him the opportunity to try something new in place of the specialist coaching?

You might find he'd do better in a "closed skill" sport - someone upthread mentioned rowing.

So closed skill sports would be running, cycling, horseriding, rowing etc.

open skill sports would be football, rugby, tennis, badminton etc.

Not everyone can do both types and that's ok - he needs to find what he's good at and then he will enjoy it

Ah I understand better now. No don’t send him off with the mean boys.

Yes, I understand what the OP is saying given that it's a team sport and "private lessons" are not 1-2-1. However, if your son really wants this then let him.

If it was just the wasted cost and you could afford it, I'd pay for it. You also have to remember that teens are developing physically and some will take a while to grow into themselves so will be a bit gangly and uncoordinated until they do this. So he might surprise you all and improve if he keeps trying.

But no, like someone else said above, I wouldn't send him off to play with the 'mean boys'. And I would specifically give this as the reason to him when he asks why he can't go. Tell him it's important to be around people who make us feel good about ourselves and who support us to develop. I'd ask him to find a club/activity he wants to do where there is a more welcoming and supportive ethos.

But surely OP you have already said to him “remember last time when they were mean to you” or words to that effect. If you have, and he still wants to go, that’s his choice?

I think they need to come to that decision themselves. If he gets to a point he is not getting selected for competitive teams and stops enjoying his sport it he will probably drop it or do something else. Until that point I would support him fully in something that he enjoys & is good physical activity. The extra coaching may help and even talking to a coach will help him look at his options.

I would pay for the lessons if affordable it won’t be forever and your showing you support him and have confidence in him. Or Maybe have a word with his coach it could be the position he is playing especially if it’s rugby. My boy was winger but didn’t have the speed so pretty much did nothing during a game. However he was moved to a forward and he’s improved so much and is much more confident like a totally different player. Maybe ask about switching position and if he improves pay for the lessons.

Op I'd be reluctant to pay purely because it wasn't a great experience last year. I'd sit him down and say to him the lads were unkind and you didn't think he got anything out of it as he wasn't included.

I'd then suggest could he look at another sport in summer to build fitness ready to start back to rugby in the September (or whenever season starts again)

My son played rugby from age 5, played county and Uni, never made it about being the best, it’s a team effort and he must enjoy it. Let him play top end of C bottom end of B, it’s all about the enjoyment and teamwork.
also as someone said up thread, boys of 14 start dropping out as They gain different interests (girls).

It’s horrific having your achievements (or lack of ability to achieve the same things as your siblings) to be compared to theirs.

Your son enjoys himself, maybe he gets down about it but that’s part of the learning process, and part of what’s helping him to achieve what he is by sheer determination. You should absolutely pay for his lessons, it doesn’t matter if he makes it to the A team and quite frankly your condescension around him being in the C team and simply being “ok” is disgusting. Your sons achieving more than you did, support him for gods sake and stop the comparisons to his sister.

Have a chat with him and remind him that he didn't really enjoy the coaching last year. I'd tell him it's his choice at the end of the day but that if he doesn't know the other kids there, it might not be do enjoyable. Then it's up to him if he wants to do it or not. Tell him you're really proud of him because he works so hard at it. It doesn't matter that he's not in the top tier as long as he enjoys it.

Why not be honest with him? I think you've improved as much as you are able but if you want to try something new or get more coaching on this sport you have this amount available to you.

You’re pre-empting him feeling bad about himself, but that’s just anxiety and over-protectiveness on your part.

He sounds like a smart boy. He will already know he’s not the best at sport. He’s in the C team. He’s been moved down from B to C. He’ll see how his sister and peers are in comparison.

If he was going to feel bad about himself or give up he’d already have done so.

He obviously just enjoys the sport, despite not being the best.

There is no way you can deny him the coaching without making him feel like shit. If this is the hobby he wants to pursue, something he enjoys, something that keeps him active, please support him. His hobbies are his choice, not yours.