To say no more coaching for DS

[fresherprincess]

DS is 13. Nearly 14. He's a delightful boy- funny, kind and clever. DH and I aren't sporty in the least so when we had DD (his older sister) she was a bit of a surprise- very athletic, good at all sports. Everything she tried she was brilliant at. She's played team sports at a county level and represented our borough in the youth games etc. Sport is a massive part of her life and our home is full of beefy sporty teens.

DS is ok at sport. He's better than me or DH ever were, but that is a low, low bar. He's C team (when the teams go to E) and occasionally subbing into B team level. The thing is he tries really really hard. Attends all trainings. Goes the extra mile. He's just... not that good. And at the age he is natural talent is important. Lads who have started a long time after him are now much better because they have sporting ability. He's pulled himself up to C/B Team level through sheer effort and I think he should be proud, enjoy himself, carry on playing but not keep pushing. The few times he's been moved up it's not worked and he's gone down again.

He's now asking for some expensive private lessons over summer. We can afford it, and tbh we paid for DD to do something similar for her sport, but I think it's a mistake. He'll easily be the worst one there (again) and get upset, and lads that age can be arses. Frankly there comes a point when you need to be realistic- he's improving but lots of lads his age are getting significantly better and he's just not.

I really want him to carry on playing. It'll be great having the odd game at university and joining the uni club. Physical fitness is really important and I love his enthusiasm- but he's also getting a bit down about it and I don't think the coaching will help.

Would I be a bad mum if I suggested he do something different?

I was going to suggest rowing, but, you do need to be co-ordinated and have good propreoception - the sense that lets you perceive the location, movement, and action of parts of the body.

OP you sound like a fab parent who is doing a great job of doing her best to provide equality of support and encouragement to two different children with different abilities.

Personally my go-to starting point for this kind of thing is a positive but realistic conversation, where my role is to give them information to help them make a decision that is right for them, while being very careful not to project my own anxieties as a parent (God, that primal urge to not want to see your children hurt).

In your shoes, I'd try to have an open conversation about the positives and negatives of this coaching. Remind him that he found the experience hard in the past, but at the same time show your confidence in his ability to handle these feelings if the same scenario occurs again. Help him explore his own feelings about what success looks like for him in this particular sport. By all means suggest alternatives, but be careful how you do it because it could send a message that you are covertly discouraging him from continuing in his current sport.

Basically, be a supportive but objective guide and sounding board to help him figure out what he wants to do. Be aware that by trying to protect him from a potentially upsetting situation, you are inadvertently sending him a message that he isn't strong enough to handle his own feelings.

Hi op , a little of topic but has he considered becoming a referee?
He can still enjoy the sport and be part of the football family.

First poster nails it yet again.

Have a conversation with him. Ask him if he really enjoys the sport or if it's more like being in competition not just with his team but with his sister? I'd actually be guiding him to whatever sport he enjoys playing but to do it more for fun than competition because he's more likely to keep it up when he leaves school/college if he genuinely enjoys it.

Best of luck!

I should have added to my post that if it's rugby, because I can only see mention of a school team, but is he part of his local rugby club and gets to play with them too? If he's only partaking in school rugby, he's never going to get enough time on the pitch so some coaching will make a difference, perhaps not to you but to him.

I also agree with the subsequent posters who have suggested perhaps using this time to find alternative sports that he can find his niche in - could it be a racquet sport because the sports you've mentioned are all team sports and sometimes you need to shine all by yourself so a solo sport may be more along the lines of what suits him.

We went through borrowing initially and subsequently buying our kids loads of sports equipment (helmets/body protection/boots/hurls/grips/racquets/you name it) and then they lost interest but eventually, over time, they did find their respective sports. It takes time (and money) unfortunately. It was easy for your daughter but it's not always that easy for everyone.

Sometimes teenagers regress into toddler behaviour and so it works to re-deploy the techniques you learned back then e.g. restrict them to only two choices. In this case the choice is not "shall we do a summer camp?" (the answer is "yes") but "which sport for the summer camp?"

The thing is he tries really really hard. Attends all trainings. Goes the extra mile. He's just... not that good.
Can you give him a choice of the rugby (reminding him of how miserable he found it last year) or a different sport (?a new sport?). Given the description (not great but dedicated), I would suggest a sport where the goal is not comparison against others but comparison against himself i.e. trying to beat his Personal Best or improve his handicap. So running, cycling, golf etc.

I'd let him do it - he's already done it before so he knows what it's like and if he has a bad time again this year you can decide together not to do it next year. I would see it as there's a chance he'll improve with coaching, but he probably won't improve without it. Plus, you paid for (allowed) his sister to go to coaching and he's probably well aware that he's not as talented as her

Let him do it and find out for himself and if he is upset then gently encourage him to play more for fun. But let him be the one who realises it, not you telling him that he’s not good enough.

Another compromise: do you have any Rugby League teams he can sign up for over the summer? My DS found that skills learned in that translated back to Union. And it kept him incredibly fit and game-ready come the autumn.

I think you’re right that this summer class which sounds like “performance” or “development squad” doesn’t sound right for him but can you offer something else instead that will progress his skills at his level - some 1:1 sessions with a coach or a different summer camp? It’s always good to feel you’ve improved over summer.

I think you sound very reasonable for not wanting him to get upset!

Can you maybe sit him down to talk about it and frame the conversation around him not enjoying it? ie "remember how mean they were last year, did you really enjoy it?" etc... Say you'll pay for it if it's really what he wants.

Could you maybe use the money to get him interested in other, less competitive active things? I was thinking hillwalking, kayaking, mountain biking etc if he's quite outdoorsy? Or maybe rock climbing?
You could probably find "adventure" type summer camps that do lots of different ones. If he had a friend that would do it with him then that'd be even better.

I would also talk to him about his talents and say I wonder if you keep focussing on these sports if you will be able to give these amazing talents you have the focus you deserve, and talk to him about what makes him happy about sport - slide up the spectrum from a casual rugby game a week with mates to playing pro, training 6 days and in the gym 3 and the pool /running 2 and weighing his meals and cooking to a nutrition plan and never going out the night before gameday.

Could you give options
We'll pay for the coaching if you think that it suits you - remember you were disappointed last time and the coach was yelling, we really want you to enjoy it!
or
Spend the same money on something individual or not competitive like a pt or weight training or circuits? With his input of course.

So that you're investing in him and fitness

DS trained with the squad but not a regular team member at a sport his school excelled in. He could have played at Uni but decided to focus on kayaking which he had taken up via Scouts. Made lots of friends , plenty of trips to fast flowing rivers and is much better on the water than at ball sports, although he is a reasonable squash player.
Might be worth looking at a different sport.

You say your main thing putting YOU off is what happened last time. The thing is it obviously hasn't put him off or he wouldn't be asking to do it this time. Maybe he is more confident in his ability to keep up this time. I remain of the same view that if he wishes to do it and you can afford it then be guided by his wishes.

Private lessons will improve his skills. My daughter's good at a language, but not excellent. When she asked for private lessons to improve, I set it up. She's improving so much now, it's great to see. She's more confident and able in that language. If you can afford it, then why not allow him the private lessons? He doesn't have to be the best, just an improvement will give him extra confidence.

Not always. I didn’t do sports that much at school and college but made the uni team for my sport. I only signed up at Freshers because I thought it would be a bit of fun.

So a C team player may get a sniff, he just needs to impress on the day and continue to work hard.

II don't know what your sport is/was but I'm guessing that it wasn't men's rugby, which is what we are talking about here.

It may be difficult convincing him that he is a first rate chap even if his sport is not. This is an introduction to reality for him and beefy teen boys can be very fragile, they get so determined and see difficulties as deliberate attempts to de-rail them.
You say Please don't feel bad for him! He gets plenty of praise for lots of things- he's an amazingly talented mathematician and a great guitar player and builds fabulous things in DT and is amazing in debate club- he's got loads of talents that frankly get less attention from him because he thinks he should be good at sport.
It will also be difficult to persuade him that specialising in one of the other areas of interest will be even better for careers and life.

Oh please! That's hilarious. Uni clubs (top unis at least) beg people to join for low attendance

I chose to do a extra-curricular sport independently in my last years at school. I knew of no other girls doing it at a school age. That was a long time ago and things have now changed but, for me, it meant that when I went to university, I was already of a good standard and was immediately recruited for the top women's teams which was fun and very affirming.

British Universities and College Sports (BUCS) are the governing body who organise sports in UK higher education. This is the range of sports they cover: https://www.bucs.org.uk/compete/sports.html. I wonder if that list might help think of ideas outside the box, especially if he is planning on going to university later on.

This.

Hard work always beats talent when talent doesn't work hard.

I have a daughter who is super motivated to practice to improve in her chosen sports and (although the lessons are horrifically expensive 🥶) I do my best to support her. Dedication to sports can only be a good thing.

I don't think at 14 the parents need to be looking for alternative sports. If you find an advert, point it out. But I don't think it is necessarily necessary activey look for alternatives. He will let you know whenheno longer enjoys rugby or wants to try something new.

As for the private lessons. Are they willing to take him? Also what is his motivation? Does he enjoy it and wants to get better for himself? Is he under the impression he's good? Does he feel like he has to get lessons to seem cool? If you can afford it, I'd sit him down and share concerns (appropriately) and if he still wants to do it then go for it. Might be a life lesson there somewhere.

Have you had his eyes tested. Specifically the muscle tone in his eyes? This can affect sports performance. Both my DC had it, it can be resolved w exercises that strengthen the eyes muscles. My dc got much better at sport after that.

You mention that his height and weight give him a theoretical advantage for rugby, so I'm guessing he plays either 1st or 2nd row?

If so, it's not uncommon for players in those positions to not really come into their own until their late teens or earls 20s, especially boys, because they're positions that require a lot of physicality and teenage boys who will grow to the height and weight required still tend to be struggling with their frames at 14!

In contrast, the backs look a lot more competent and physically adept at that age.

(I'm a former player and coach both girls' and boys' youth teams.)

I know what you're saying, but I do think, if you can afford it, let him do the coaching, especially as you've enabled his sister.

He might come to his own conclusion and drop the more competitive element - or he might get really good as he gets older and stronger!