To say no more coaching for DS

[fresherprincess]

DS is 13. Nearly 14. He's a delightful boy- funny, kind and clever. DH and I aren't sporty in the least so when we had DD (his older sister) she was a bit of a surprise- very athletic, good at all sports. Everything she tried she was brilliant at. She's played team sports at a county level and represented our borough in the youth games etc. Sport is a massive part of her life and our home is full of beefy sporty teens.

DS is ok at sport. He's better than me or DH ever were, but that is a low, low bar. He's C team (when the teams go to E) and occasionally subbing into B team level. The thing is he tries really really hard. Attends all trainings. Goes the extra mile. He's just... not that good. And at the age he is natural talent is important. Lads who have started a long time after him are now much better because they have sporting ability. He's pulled himself up to C/B Team level through sheer effort and I think he should be proud, enjoy himself, carry on playing but not keep pushing. The few times he's been moved up it's not worked and he's gone down again.

He's now asking for some expensive private lessons over summer. We can afford it, and tbh we paid for DD to do something similar for her sport, but I think it's a mistake. He'll easily be the worst one there (again) and get upset, and lads that age can be arses. Frankly there comes a point when you need to be realistic- he's improving but lots of lads his age are getting significantly better and he's just not.

I really want him to carry on playing. It'll be great having the odd game at university and joining the uni club. Physical fitness is really important and I love his enthusiasm- but he's also getting a bit down about it and I don't think the coaching will help.

Would I be a bad mum if I suggested he do something different?

I get where you’re coming from. You’re really proud of his effort but realistic about his ability and you don’t want him to be put down by kids who are better at the sport as you’ve seen it happen before.

could you book him in for 1:1 coaching instead so he still gets private coaching like his sister has but it doesn’t have the risk of other kids not passing to him or being mean and making him feel shit? I think ultimately you have to give him the extra coaching his sister has as it’ll just breed resentment otherwise but perhaps try to steer him to one where he won’t be in a situation where his self esteem will nose dive.

Oh that is a tricky one. I understand your point of view - you are worried that his confidence will get a knock but on the other hand he wants to do it. It’s sounds like he has a wonderful mindset of “keep trying” which will stand to him.

is their alternatives to improve his abilities at the sport ? One on one training or something.

Again. Not saying he'll stop. He plays in school and got a club. He'll continue doing that. Just not the special coaching that tends to be full of lads who are county standard players. It's no fun for anyone.

This is what happens when he plays with the good players.

He has much better more fun games playing in his c team where he's one of the better ones and it's less precious.

I think OP means he can still play as opposed to play for... most universities have teams catering for loads of different abilities (including those who go for the post match beer)

You're not wrong.

"I wanted to be a footballer, but as I got older, 12 or 13 years old, I more or less resigned myself to the fact I wouldn’t be.

"There was probably five or six lads in our school team better than me and definitely 30-40 in the Doncaster area better than me"

Kevin Keegan

Has he tried the more unusual sports? You've listed the classics but gymnastics, fencing, horseriding, even figure skating?

He's on the older end to start some of these, admittedly, but if he's fit anyway, intelligence and hard work could take him a long way. If he has an artistic side, too, that could be an asset for some as well.

You mention size - is he bulky or just tall? If he's tall, what about climbing?

I'd maybe be offering to throw the money at using the summer to explore something new.

I'd also have a frank three way chat with his coaches. Do they think there's value in his attending the summer camp?

You should be encouraging him as long as he wants to go.

I am very sporty and also not that talented. However my parents always supported me and I am so grateful. I grew up to be a strong and resilient person, so many coaches theoughout my childhood had a positive impact on me not just about the sport. A good coach won't be able to give him talent that isn't there but may influence him in other positive ways. Maybe his persistence and drive will benefit him in another way.

DS sounds very bright, he's 13 not 5 and is the one playing in these teams. At times he gets frustrated that he's not as good as he wants to be. Logically it seems that DS is perfectly aware that he has things he's more talented at but he is committed to sport and achieving and it's something he wants to carry on doing. If he was put up to the next level but not quite good enough to hack it, the extra tuition might make all the difference. Were an academic family. My older brother was good at art at school but not amazing, achieved more in other areas. Did an art foundation course which he scraped through and only got a uni place in the animation course we wanted to do on clearing. He got a 2:2 and went back to living at home and working part time in B&Q while he worked on his portfolio. I teased him royally about it for a while despite not achieving a lot myself at the time. One day he said his portfolio was finished and started promoting himself. The next thing he'd got a junior job in London and moved there. He now works in senior roles in animation and film. He knew he'd be bored out his brain in traditional or academic pursuits and it's not his passion. I wasn't laughing so much at that point and ended up going to uni as a mature student

I have thought about this. We're close to the Thames. I think he'd be a good rower. He's broad and will be tall and muscular.

I expect boys sport is much more competitive generally.

Any kid at dc school who is good at sport has been doing clubs outside school. So here its limited natural talent.
My dd is pretty good at swimming and progressed fast however not necessarily the fastest.

If your ds is getting upset perhaps he is more an individual sport player.

I'd talk it through with him, but if he still wants to go then I'd support it. He's old enough to remember what happened last year and presumably if it was awful he wouldn't want to go again. Unless he has additional needs that means he can't make these types of decisions for himself, I'd let him lead the way.

I find your attitude really poor, who would all the superstars play if everyone other than A team level gave up?
Football and rugby have many leagues or different levels, you can enjoy sport without ever being the best.
Feel a bit sorry for your DS, compared to his wonderful sporty sister

So many people here are hard of reading.

I'm not saying give up. I'm saying play, enjoy yourself, keep training, but don't do high level coaching with lads a lot better than you because it'll be miserable.

Isn't this similar to when a young person goes on X Factor and they think they're amazing, they next big thing, but in fact they have very little talent?

I always wonder whether a parent or somebody close to them has ever said "I love you kid and well done for trying so hard but this isn't for you".

I'm not sure what the correct answer is but I'd like to think I would be honest with my children so that their efforts could be directed in more rewarding pursuits.

As well as rowing I would have a look at sprint cycling. British cycling is constantly looking outside cycling for sprinters because the average kid who gets into cycling is a tiny little light thing who can get themselves up a massive hill. But tiny little light things are not going to be the next Chris Hoy or Jason Kenny so they need to look elsewhere. Are you anywhere near Herne Hill or Lee Valley?

I get it OP.

and yes, having been spectacularly shit at some sports then finding my random sporty niche and doing really quite well. So I know how both side of this feel.

It’s going to be wretched doing what is in effect an elite coaching ‘camp‘ when he isn’t on a level with the others there. Especially if they are asses, as teens can so often be.

it’s miserable enough if you are just outclassed without that as well.

i think I’d maybe have an honest chat, angled from the ‘are you sure you want to be spending time with these lads who were asshats last year and will likely be bigger asshats this year — or shall we throw that time and effort into helping you find your thing‘. Rowing sounds a great idea. Super social, great exercise. There’s loads out there. Look for the odder stuff maybe. I’ve got mates who are into HEMA — historic European martial arts. Tbh it looks a hoot for someone with a rugby physique who isn’t afraid off contact sport.

I think this is the right mindset for me. Thank you.

Yes, I noticed when you said he’d tried all the sports, all bar one of them (swimming) that you listed were team ball sports.

Unfortunately these are what our school system focuses on which frankly tends to make many people think they are “not sporty” when in fact they are just not great at the specific skill of team ball sports. Same skills needed in all of them really, just slightly different rules. (Can you tell I’ve got a bit of a bee in my bonnet about this ?!)

Rowing, running, athletics, cycling, fencing, skiing (ok hard in UK!), climbing, kayaking, gymnastics, sailing, riding, weight lifting, wrestling, skating, martial arts … there are SO many sports or physical pursuits that are not team ball sports but schools don’t really do them and they’re less available outside school too. See if you can try him on one or two of these - if he’s tall and well built he will have a head start in lots of these.

You sound a bit traumatised! My friend is a football mum. She'd definitely agree.....

How about trying some field events in athletics - discus , shot , javelin , hammer etc

Have a discussion with him. Don't say he shouldn't have extra coaching because he's not (and never will be) good enough but talk about why he wants to do it. Hopefully you can talk about who else might be there and how friendly/unfriendly they may be. Will he learn much and have a good time if they're not including him? Then you could consider together whether he'd rather spend money on another activity.

Well, I'd probably remind him of what happened last time and how it made him feel but at the end of the day if he's 13 nearly 14 he's old enough to make the choice himself

This. If you say no to 1-1 coaching for him but you gave it to your DD he'll be resentful. It's good he wants to be the best he can be and you should help him facilitate that. You helped your DD. Just because he won't be as successful as your DD does not mean he can't improve.

Can you phrase it in terms of “We’ve asked around, and it sounds like the opportunity you are looking at is for kids who are specializing only in football and it’s really high commitment and high pressure and you will end up being expected to go for more and more training in holidays and weekends etc.” rather than “we don’t think you’re quite good enough”? And then look into some additional low-pressure ways for him to have fun playing football?

I think some posters here don’t quite “get” what the football training scene is like. It’s a v popular “high status” sport where you have a lot of competition and it can get very intense at the top end.