Severe lies between our children and friends children HELP

[New15]

Long one so will try and compress down!

I have 14 (Boy) and 10 (Girl)
Lifelong friends have 2 kids 14 (girl) and 13 (boy)

these people we see every weekend, we holiday together have been through good and bad together and are so important to us.

Background being both my friends kids have been caught out lying about Drinking, Vaping, talking to adults in a sexual nature over the internet sending explicit pictures to other people in the last 6 months or so.
My kids are the model of good behaviour, neither have ever done anything wrong (I’m so lucky) my boy 14 is massively into sport so his health is priority. We have different parenting styles, I am more of a gentle parent with the others being the opposite.
Both my kids are always honest and upfront and have never done anything to not have my trust.

my Daughter 10 last week said she had something to tell me and got really upset.
2 weeks ago, whilst round their house. My daughter (10) went in their sons room (13) for a few minutes a which is totally normal and had said he was having sexual conversations with other friends over PS5.
he had turned and said sorry did you know about that stuff?, to which she responded “yes, I did sex education at school last week”
He then proceeded to show her on his phone what I believe to be porn. He also asked her if she knew what it was. At 10 years old she was trying to describe what she saw, but struggled as she didn’t understand it, however I knew what she was talking about straight away. She felt uncomfortable and pretended to need a drink to which he said, if she was to tell me, he would say it was her and she would get into trouble.

Now she does have Tourette’s and struggles with decisions and some emotions massively which is why I assume it’s taken her a week to pluck the courage up to say something.

I rang my friend and explained what I had been told and that I was so shocked by it. The friend apologised to which I said it’s not your fault but please speak with him and let me know.

we knew he would lie because he lies about everything until it’s black and white in his face to which he couldn’t lie.

my friend rang me back the next day and said her son (13) has swore down he absolutely did not show her anything. There was nothing on his phone. That he had said, she had overheard him laughing in about sexual stuff with his friends which he apologised for but that was it.
I explained, that what my daughter told me, she couldn’t have known, and the way she explained it proved she didn’t know what it was, only she knew it wasn’t right.
My friend then proceeded to tell me my daughter probably knows much more than she lets on, and I should baby proof her phone! (Her phone has always been for school walking only) and she doesn’t have access to the internet at all.
So basically my friend has took her sons word and now it is incredibly awkward.

what do I do?
this is someone who is considered as family. We love each others kids like our own, and despite her kids going off the rails a little and lying Iv always loved them like they are my own.

I don’t know how to approach it at all!

My daughter had asked what was going on and I had to tell her that they believe he is telling the truth. To which she broke down in tears, and said she wish she never said anything. Which makes it worse I want her as a young girl to be able to tell me things that make her feel uncomfortable and to be heard. - And this isn’t a little white lie or swearing ect. This is a teenager lying about showing my 10 year old something extremely sexual.

this whole experience as a parent has me overwhelmed.

Thoughts from an outside viewer are greatly appreciated!

Your priorities are skewed. Your title suggests the lies are the main issue rather than a 13 year old showing your 10 year old explicit sexual images. And you seem to be congratulating yourself on your well-behaved children compared to your friends’, but not to be acknowledging that you put your own child in harm’s way by putting her regularly in the company of two older children with a history of sending explicit photos and sexual talk online and who are poorly parented. That’s on you. Your friendship with the parents clouded your judgement.

@Shirtdress is right. Sadly it does read as if you have prioritised your friendship over protecting your daughter... and are still prevaricating.

Also, if you were going to tell your DD that the other family didn't believe her it should only have been in the context of you did and because they didn't believe her, you will have no more to do with any of them.

This is incredibly important as you need to model how she deals with situations like this in the future.

I really don't understand what all the hand wringing is about. The clear answer is that you sever ties and don't see them anymore. You need to value your children over your social life and there's really no need to continue any kind of discussion with someone whose stance is that your daughter is lying about having been sexually harassed by her son. There is nothing to be achieved. Just focus on your child.

Police OP. It’s a crime, and the police will be able to access deleted stuff on his phone.

I’m sorry your daughter has had to go through this - firstly a sexual crime against her, and secondly not being believed.

Hang on! Why are you all jumping to conclusions ? OPs priorites are not skewed! She asked for advice but Im sure she would not put her daughter in harm's way, especially not since she is has been a victim of sexual abuse. She wanted to know how to proceed and in her responses so far she has said that she will stand by her daughter and not expose her to that boy again. Please read the whole thread before erronously "attacking" someone. This OP needs our support in severing ties with this family. So far she has dealt with everything just fine. Compassion people..

This is not confirmation bias. It is red traffic light behaviour.

https://www.birmingham.gov.uk/download/downloads/id/8322/responding_to_hsb_-traffic_lights_ages_13-_17.pdf

This behaviour indicates a need for immediate intervention. Op the people telling you to contact his and her school are correct.

but Im sure she would not put her daughter in harm's way,

She put her daughter in harm's way purely by thinking it was OK for her to be in a 13yr old boy's room imo!

To be honest it sounds like this friendship should have cooled a long time ago anyway. Why would a 13 and 14 year old want to spend every weekend and go on holiday with their mum’s friend’s 10 year old? Why would your sport-mad son and your 10yo who has a complex neurological condition want to spend time with your friend’s teenagers every weekend? Why would you say you love your friend’s children like your own when clearly, not only is that plainly untrue (as it should be), but you don’t approve of the children’s behaviour nor your friend’s parenting? Why would you claim your 10 and 14 year olds have never done anything wrong when you know and anyone you say it to knows that just isn’t true? I think the fact you say you don’t have any family or other friends of your own is clouding your judgement and you’ve been relying for a long time on this one family, in a way that isn’t healthy or socially appropriate for any of the children. Yours should be spending most of their spare time on their own (same age) friends and interests.

Not a random 13 year old boy, a boy she has known since birth (I believe, I could be wrong)

That's as good as the same as me allowing my children in to my 13 year old nephews room, which I do - regularly and without incident. It's not the OPs fault that this particular 13 year old is a depraved little creep.

She's made it clear she's cutting ties and they won't be seeing them again, since she's now aware. So no, I don't think she did put her daughter in danger.

I agree with PP here you have no choice but to go to SS. It won’t look good at all if your little one goes into school and like kids do tElls her friends. The Teachers find out and by Law have to report it and then it comes out that you knew.

Of course your kids are completely blameless here so I can’t stress enough that I’m not talking about in this scenario but it irks me when people say “My kids have never done anything wrong”. Well they’ll be the first kids or rather people ever. They’ve got their faults op surely to God, they’re human.

Safeguarding is your priority here OP. You haven't said who you are going to report this to? Options include police, social services and school Designated Safeguarding Lead. NSPCC can advise. The fact that you know social services have previously been involved makes this an even greater priority. For all parties, and possibly other contacts of this boy. This friendship would be over for me - your friend's response makes this easier. I'm sorry you're going through this OP, but action is required. It's hard, but I wouldn't warn your friend. It sounds dramatic, but evidence may disappear.

I think we are not reading the same thread. She’s not going to maintain the friendship. She did tell her daughter she believes her and they will not be seeing them any longer.

She has 💯 prioritized her daughter’s wellbeing.

It sounds like your friends family have been through alot with their daughter and maybe they have no reslience left to manage/support their son's behaviour and have chosen to ignore it.

I would go with your gut and what that is saying. Support your daugther, chat with her and congratulate her on speaking out. It's brave thing to do and I can imagine your proud of her. You should be proud of yourself for raising a child that can speak out. Ask your daughter what she wants in the future and protect her. If she wants not to see family again, support that.

With regards to friendship, maybe you need some space to breathe and rethink.

Even if evidence does disappear the Police will get it back and then it’s a bigger charge.

Have you contacted the police yet, OP? Please do so today. A crime's been committed against your child. And the other family's children (esp the girl) are also clearly are vulnerable and in need of safeguarding.

Why would she call the police, ffs? What he did was wrong and the OP would be justified in not going near him again, but surely she wouldn't want to call the police for this. He wasn't grooming her - he was showing off and yes, showing her very very inappropriate things, but that happens every day in the classroom and you can't call the police every single time.

Holy shit, are you serious?

So if it was your child who was sexually abused, you'd just - what? Shrug it off? Say, oh well, happens all the time?

What he did is criminal and it's sexual abuse. It needs to be taken seriously. Not to mention that it sounds like the older child is also being sexually abused. And god knows whether the boy is as well.

The police and safeguarding need to be involved.

What he did was wrong. I'm not disputing that. I wouldn't want to go near the boy again and wouldn't allow my children to go near him.

I'm just saying that the police wouldn't be interested. It wasn't grooming. According to the Metropolitan Police: Grooming is when a person builds a relationship with a child, young person or an adult who's at risk so they can abuse them and manipulate them into doing things. That isn't what happened here. It's bad enough without trying to make it worse.

I work in a school and students showing children of this age porn in the way described is not happening every day.

I’ve just had to pinch my self to check I wasn’t hallucinating your post.
He showed vulgar pictures to a 10 year old child and you don’t think it’s a problem. Also what classrooms do you know where this happens ever day because they need looking at too. I know you may get teenage boys looking at inappropriate pictures between themselves, but not showing them to a 10 year old girl is sick.

That’s just a stupid and concerning statement to say these things happen everyday you can go to the Police every time. Sadly murders and Sexual assaults happen on a daily basis do we not report them to the Police because they happen everyday.

You’re wrong actually.

They would be very unlikely to criminally charge but given the age of the other child involved they would have a conversation with the teenager.

Showing minors sexually explicit content is a crime on its own.

I didn't say it wasn't a problem. I did say it wasn't grooming.

There’s a bit of space between ‘not a problem’ and ‘phoning the police’, which is where parenting tends to fit in.

I agree, and the boy's parents are clearly not going to parent well. That's why I think the OP should avoid the entire family now.

This place amuses me no end. The amount of over reaction is insane. The age difference is not that great particularly as (generalising) most 10yr old girls in my experience are of a similar maturity to most 13yr old boys. People suggesting calling the police ffs 🤦🏽‍♀️. The only sensible comment I’ve seen is perhaps don’t let kids as they get older automatically hang out in bedrooms. I’m in my 50’s and at school remember a girl getting pregnant v young as two sets of life long family friends let their children continue to hang out as they had when young. Common sense guys. Kids explore and we’re in an age where young kids do access porn (despite what most on here think). Deal with it sensibly not by ridiculous over reactions of cutting ties and calling the police. This is not red light behaviour given ages involved.