How do you see your dad's partner?

[gardentimeofyear]

My mum passed away 8 years ago and dad has a new partner who's lived with him for a couple of years.
I visited dad over the weekend for a bbq and catch up along with my DD's who are in their late 20s and naturally she was there too as she lives there, she's ok I suppose and dad's happy.

She posted a picture of me and my grown children on fb and said enjoying time with family.

This has made me so angry because I don't see her as family my dad is my family and my mum was but this woman is not and I had no idea she thought she was.
Aibu or can you just assume a place in someone else's family.
She's 76 and trying to be a step mother/grandmother.
I don't want anyone to see her as family especially not herself.

How do you view your MIL/FIL out of interest? I would refer to mine generically as “family”, but not as “my family”, if you see what I mean? I think that’s maybe where your dad’s partner was coming from, if that helps?

Well you are your dad's family and so is she. I'd see it as her being pleasant.

It’s not very nice of you to be so hostile. Do you see your own DH/DP as family? Will you not see any future partners of your DDs as family?
I feel sorry for your Dad’s partner

Wow - you've made it very clear how you feel about her.
Sounds like you will never accept her.

You are coming across as a child, I like my dads partner

Thankfully my step daughter doesn't have your attitude. Can't you be pleased for your dad? Sounds like she's trying to be inclusive and friendly. I'd be giving you a talking to if you were my dd talking about my exh's girlfriend/partner

Your post screams raw grief and yes you accept your dad is happy but maybe you feel you need to beloyal to your mums memory?

Let go of what was, you're dad is still here and would no doubt be happy with your mum but sadly she's not here and he's finding comfort with a new partner while he's still here and that's really ok.
You're entitled to handle grief however you want but your dad is also entitled to grieve and move on if need be in what was probably a devastating loss to you all.
Of course it's too late to be a step anything and I'm sure she isn't trying to be but she's in his life because he wants her to be and she wants to be and there really isn't anything wrong with that unless there's a drip feed coming.

I'd put this in the category of not really liking it but trying to suck it up to keep the peace. I wouldn't want to start a fall out over something like that but might want to talk over my feelings with someone I could trust.

I would be happy that she thinks so much of you all that she sees you as family. You don't need to be blood to be family, you can call friends and people that marry in as family (which your step mum has). If she hasn't done anything to hurt you and only tries to be nice then give her a break

What would you prefer she caption it?
'Spending time with his family'
'Spending time with these people'

She sounds nice, and sounds like she wanted to show off a nice photo & that she's proud of you all.

Sounds a bit like there’s a lot more going on here. Perhaps you don’t like her very much?
I can sympathise, my dad‘s partner has been a nightmare and now she completely controls his finances, despite never working a day in her life since she met him. She was insistent on charging me interest for a loan of £10k at 6% when I’ve never asked them for anything when I bought my first place. I know they have a million cash in the bank. For this alone, I think she’s a bit of a massive although she does put up with my dad so swings and roundabouts

Any marriage is the combining of families to make one family - at least that's the idea.

She sounds lovely and wants you to feel at home. I'd feel really warm if my step mum did this.

I agree that you are probably holding onto grief and need to process that.

Your an adult how childish. Does it matter, no and actually how lovely she thinks your family is nice and has said about having a nice time!

You are family though through marriage, same as if your siblings married a second partner later in life they would still be family. You sound incredibly hostile, she can't take your mum's place, and I'm sure your mum would want your dad's next partner to be welcomed and loved and to love you back.

My dad passed away and my mum has been dating her boyfriend for about 10 years. They don't even live together but we all feel he is "our family". How would you feel if your dad posted a picture saying, "spending time with my family and my daughter's husband"? Not very nice, right?

Ah I understand op. I think some of the responses here are a little harsh. It’s very tough seeing a parent move on, and honestly I think potentially even more so after a death. At least with a split, even if it was an awful one, both are generally still alive. It might be unreasonable to expect her to be totally separate and not count as family at all, but I can fully sympathise with the upset it is causing you(one of my parents died recently and I know rightly or wrongly I will be torn up if and when they find a new partner!) so I get it. I do think she is likely trying to be nice however with no ill intent, but that’s not going to be much comfort!

My parents divorced when I was mid-30s, and dad has had a partner now for about 7 years-ish. She's great, dad is happy, she's very welcoming but also leaves us to it sometimes, she's very generous. She's the total opposite of my mother!
But because they got divorced, I don't see her as replacing my mum, maybe this is the key difference.

I send hugs, this has obviously hit a nerve for you.

I think maybe I'm struggling to see her in the family home where mum lived and see it as her place.
Maybe I see it as our family home that she's in and she sees it as welcoming us into her home.

There's a lot of memories and I don't dislike her but maybe she's a bit too similar to mum in looks so it feels very odd.
I agree about being loyal to mums memory, it gets harder and harder to remember mum in the house the more I see her there and she's changed a lot of things that mum did to the house and put her touch on it.
She showed me how she'd newly decorated their bedroom in lilac, a colour mum absolutely hated.

I was glad my dad had someone to share his life with. As he got older it màde my life a lot easier (care wise!) I was glad she waz involved wig my family. Shes not a replacement for your mum. She knows that too. But she is a part of your family

My mum died when I was in my 20's, my dad got remarried a couple of years later. I see my stepmum as family, she's the only grandma my DD has ever known and she dotes on her. I'm glad my dad is happy. In a lot of ways I prefer her to my actual mum 🤷🏼‍♀️ she's better suited to my dad.

Kindly, have you ever had grief counselling? It's not ok to be so hostile to someone who clearly cares about you and sees you as family.

I'm sorry you're so upset OP. It must be hard to see her in your family home, where you grew up and so on. I don't think it's her specifically, I think any person your Dad was living with you'd feel all these things about. It's a credit to you that you have been so nice and welcoming to her that she feels like this about you despite all your own unresolved feelings and a credit to her that she doesnt have an enormous list of things she has done to upset you. I'm sorry you lost your Mum.

Are there other stressful things going on in your life at the moment?

I think you need to try to separate her from your feelings about your mum. Her wanting to be part of the family is not an attempt to take something from you, or from the memory of your mum, but I can understand that part of you is saying that you don't want to 'let her in' because maybe you worry it's somehow betraying your own mum. But I imagine your mum most of all would have wanted your dad to be happy and for you to help family life carry on without her - I agree counselling might be a good way to move forward here.

This is going to sound harsh, but it's not your mum's house anymore. It was and you've probably got a lot of lovely memories there and I can imagine it's hard.

But you're angry at this innocent women who all she's done is presumably fallen in love with your dad, and is trying to be warm to you and your children. It's likely to be hard for her to be living in the house your mum did, and how she fits into the whole situation.

But she really hasn't done anything wrong but to try and fit in to an already made family.

I understand how hard it must be seeing your dad happy with a woman that isn’t your mum, but he loves her and is happy. Growing old alone is an awful thing to think about. Would you prefer that for your last remaining parent? Humans need companionship and legally speaking she IS family. You are fully grown and don’t need someone to mother you of course, but it sounds like she is making an effort to have a relationship of sorts with you so you really should afford her the same respect. Would you rather she treated you with cold indifference? How would that work in the future when perhaps your dad’s health starts failing? Surely you’d want as good a relationship as possible with the person who will likely be responsible for his welfare.

Definitely not as family. Someone I am polite with and will perfectly willing to socialize with.

there is far too much baggage about my parents marriage and my mothers death for me to be able to easily accept him treating another woman so well. It has absolutely nothing to do with her. She is lovely and far too good for him.