How do you see your dad's partner?

[gardentimeofyear]

My mum passed away 8 years ago and dad has a new partner who's lived with him for a couple of years.
I visited dad over the weekend for a bbq and catch up along with my DD's who are in their late 20s and naturally she was there too as she lives there, she's ok I suppose and dad's happy.

She posted a picture of me and my grown children on fb and said enjoying time with family.

This has made me so angry because I don't see her as family my dad is my family and my mum was but this woman is not and I had no idea she thought she was.
Aibu or can you just assume a place in someone else's family.
She's 76 and trying to be a step mother/grandmother.
I don't want anyone to see her as family especially not herself.

Going to go against the grain here, I don't think a woman in her 70s can act like a step mother to a woman in her 50/60s after 2 years of knowing her father especially if you're children are late 20s I think this it's far too late to expect those type of dynamics.
I'd treat her as a friend of your fathers but nothing more. 2 years is barely a partner and so late in your life YNBU I'd feel the same.

My second husband lives in my house where my late husband and i lived before he died. He lived here a couple of years before we married.
I would be upset if my family didn't see him as family.
They do though because he makes me happy.
When my mum died i would have been happy for my dad if he'd found someone else. Because I've been there. Having a new partner in no way takes away any memories or love.

You sound hostile and like a teenager who’s being forced to spend time with their new step mum who their dad left the family for.

Giver her a chance.

You sound charming. Not !!!

My mum died 10yrs ago. I would love my dad to meet someone for company

Mainly as when my dh died at 37 I missed him and suddenly living on my own - it was hard. I was lonely. No one to talk laugh cuddle

Dh died 3yrs before my mum so I knew what my dad was going through when mum died

He has never met anyone but he is did. Amazing

This lady sounds lovely. Bene with your dad for a couple of years

Prob hard for her to live in what what your mum and dads home

Memories of them so yes she would change decor to something she likes

If your kids have kids - will she be nanny - doesn't sound like it

Be grateful your dad has met someone who makes HIM happy

I think you have answered your own question in the title. You see her as your dads partner.

You don't have to see her as your family but I don't think its wrong that she sees you as such and its nice that you at least acknowledge the fact that she is his partner. I know its difficult to see a parent move on when you are grieving, but he will still be grieving too, he didn't replace your mum with this woman, and he hasn't necessarily "moved on", he has just met someone new and he is entitled to do that. Please has some empathy for your dad and his partner, surely deep down you wouldn't want your dad to be alone and sad for the rest of his life? Be thankful he's met someone nice, she clearly thinks a lot of him if she wants to include you all and it could be a lot worse!!

Her mother died 8 years ago and this woman has been around for a few years. She had no right to assume she is family (she isn't). Doesn't even sound like she's married to the father? I don't think the op is unreasonable for being annoyed. Perhaps you should talk to dad op and let him know that this upsets you.

Oh ffs no right? This woman is trying to be welcoming and has done nothing wrong. You’d think she wrote a post calling them evil bitches or something, not that she posted with pride that she was happy spending time with them. My uncle got divorced and as soon as we met his new partner, we saw her as family and still do. I guess some people are more welcoming than others.

I don't like my Dad's partner but for good reason and years of emotional (and on one occasion physical) abuse from her throughout my childhood.
In your circumstances I would say you are entitled to feel upset as I'm sure you are still grieving your Mum in some ways but also just be thankful that she wants you in her life and is trying to make an effort with you rather than push you out.

As a 2nd wife who met my now husband as a widow and he was widowed too, yes it's hard losing your mum but life is too short have such negative feeling towards your fathers new partner. I think you need to get some compassion and grow up be the adult and set your children a good example.

Your father's partner is isn't to blame for your mum dying, I bet your mum would have wanted your dad to be happy rather than a life of loneliness on his own or for you to be so hostile

It's probably hard for her and it sounds like she really does act with sensitivity. I lived with my DH in their house surrounded by his first wife's ornaments and choice of furnishings and decor, I made minor adjustments and we decorated and had a new kitchen and I always said to my SDs that I was caring for the house as their mother had, but it was difficult and I was glad to move to another house that we could make ours.

I am the next best thing to my gkids to a granny although they call me by my first name and they know they have a granny who died. I'm not going to make a fuss about whether they call her or me their gran as I know I'm the one who is there for them.

Sometimes we have to make the best of what we have whether they are blood relatives or not

@Feelsodrained but this isn't about you and your uncle or about anyone else on here. This is about how the OP feels and she can feel whatever she wants. She didn't come on here and write that her dad's partner is an evil witch ... she didn't write anything hateful at all. She simply said that she isn't comfortable with this women who is a recent addition to her fathers life posting pictures of her and her kids and referring to them as family. Why should she be 'grateful' for this woman being nice to her? This woman is her dads partner in later life: she didn't raise her, she didn't know her all her life, they never lived together and to be honest at 76 you would think she would have enough wisdom to realise that being a newcomer in to her partners family might be sensitive to his children who lost their mother not too long ago and maybe she shouldn't be posting 'family' pics until she has made the effort to build a relationship with them. This op at the very least deserves some sympathy but she's getting blasted by angry people projecting their own shit on to her.

My step-mum does this and I think it's lovely that she doesn't distinguish between my dad's grandkids and her grandkids. I do think it comes from a place of kindness.

Stop being hostile.You have nothing to moan about, it could be alot worse.

Yeah @sunflowrsngunpowdr EIGHT years ago. I'd understand it if it has been eight weeks.

But she's not really. She just referred to them as family which is perfectly acceptable in this circumstance.

When it an acceptable time to get over your mother's death and stop missing her?

Of course two years is a partner and also that’s the amount of time they have been living together not their total relationship. Loads of people get married and/or have kids before they’ve known each other two years.

My dad's been with his now wife 11 years and I've seen her as family since she lived with him. She makes my dad happy and cares for us as we do her. She's an amazing gran to my children and we all consider her as family, me as my stepmum and the kids as their grandparent.

@sunflowrsngunpowdr You may never stop missing her but life goes on and people move on, as they should.

@CandiedPrincess So it's perfectly normal to miss your mum after 8 months or 8 years or 18 years or 50 years ... so this OP is normal for feeling like she is struggling accepting this new woman (who she's known for a few years) in to her life and having her lay claim to her and her kids as family. It doesn't mean she hasn't moved on. She obviously holds her feelings back pretty well if the dads partner can post pics of her and call her 'family'. So this OP has done nothing wrong and is only feeling a natural normal reaction to seeing woman move in to her deceased mother's place and then be overly familiar with her when that familiarity hasn't been earned. OP- what you are feeling is normal so don't beat yourself up. This woman might the nicest person on earth but she isn't your mum and she isn't your family and its okay
to acknowledge that and to feel uncomfortable with being presented to the world as a family unit.

Really? She's making an effort to do something nice for her DP, your Dad, who you presumably care about.

I can't stand my ILs but they're DH's family and therefore my family and I try for his sake.

Sounds like she is trying to show you how she feels to me x

@sunflowrsngunpowdr Stop talking to me like someone who hasn't lost their mum. I am perfectly aware.

Agree, you've been lucky enough to be brought up by both your parents and now your dad is doing what he will with this chapter of his life you can choose to be happy for him or not but it's not about you.
I'm sorry you lost your mum and seem to be struggling to deal with your own grief.

Ffs it's been 8 friggin years! You're a middle aged woman with grown up kids.
Leave dad to get on with his life.

My mum also died young. My dad has a partner and they’ve recently got engaged.

I like her, I see her in a similar role to my mother in law.

my kids call her by name not nanny etc but I’m so pleased she loves them and they love her. She doesn’t replace my mum one bit but she’s kind to my kids and extra love is always welcome