How do you see your dad's partner?

[gardentimeofyear]

My mum passed away 8 years ago and dad has a new partner who's lived with him for a couple of years.
I visited dad over the weekend for a bbq and catch up along with my DD's who are in their late 20s and naturally she was there too as she lives there, she's ok I suppose and dad's happy.

She posted a picture of me and my grown children on fb and said enjoying time with family.

This has made me so angry because I don't see her as family my dad is my family and my mum was but this woman is not and I had no idea she thought she was.
Aibu or can you just assume a place in someone else's family.
She's 76 and trying to be a step mother/grandmother.
I don't want anyone to see her as family especially not herself.

Am not in this situation but my husband's father has remarried, he views her as his father's wife, rather than a step mother, but still 'family'

Same situation here. He was an adult when they married so very much sees her as his dad’s wife but part of our family.

She will be a grandmother to our children also (currently expecting). There can never be too many people who love and care for your kids.

I think she's made a really lovely gesture and it comes from a good place.
She clearly makes your Dad happy, I would be welcoming her into the family and grateful your Dad is not living a sad and lonely life.
I understand your grief, I lost my mum and had to accept another woman into my life, it was difficult initially (although I was only a teenager so a lot younger than you).
Eventually we created a beautiful relationship which has lasted many years after my Dad's death.
I'm very grateful she made my Dad happy again after the death of my Mum.

I would think it was a lovely gesture if my dad’s partner did this… massive overreaction on your part and you don’t come across as being very nice if I’m being honest. I understand that your mum died, but that’s nothing to do with your dad’s new partner. She’s making him happy, so it would be best for everyone if you accepted that and her.

Bit different but my husband's sister has married a man with 2 small children and his mum calls them her Grandchildren which makes my husband livid and he always corrects her and says they're not.

We're expecting what he considers her first grandchild and fumes when she says it'll be her 3rd.

He even says if she wants to call them grandchildren she won't see our baby when it's born.
Families eh?

I think the fact that they haven't moved into a different house makes it harder to see her in your mum's space. It's quite common in these circumstances, but unfortunate.

Sorry your mum died too soon.

I grew up with a step grandmother. She definitely was my family and I loved her as much as I would have a blood relative. If your dad is happy, find a way to be happy too. No one wins otherwise.

Your husband needs to grow up a bit. It's great that his mum has embraced those two children as part of her family.

It's hard when you have suffered a loss but your dad has lost more. Don't be the person that won't let him enjoy what he can in life.

I have had several step parents, extra brothers and sisters, and now my step mum has a new husband. He's in my family because he's in my step mum's family. It doesn't mean he's replaced anyone, he never ever could. Do it for your dad, and be grateful he has someone to love him rather than be lonely.

Your husband sounds like a totally spoilt, mean spirited arsehole.

as the gold digger floozy she really is

Other issues aside, I don't think she should have been posting photos of you and your children on social media without your consent, perhaps then this specific issue wouldn't have arisen.

So she is being blackmailed not to acknowledge she's a step grandma otherwise she will not be allowed a relationship with her "real" grandchildren?
Your husband sounds like a jealous little boy who wanted to give mummy her first Grandchild and is throwing his toys around because he doesn't want to share her attention.

My DF has been married twice since my mum died (both ended in divorce). Didn’t particularly like either of them but still referred to them at my stepmum and generally referred to them and their adult children as “family”….. as I felt they were, by marriage though nothing else.

Wonderful example of human kindness, I can see exactly why you picked him to procreate with and I'm sure he'll make an amazing roll model to his mini him.

My Dad died in his early 50s. My mum died about 20 years later having never had another romantic partner. I believe she was very lonely but she wasn’t interested in meeting anyone else for many reasons (I think she would have found it hard to trust someone & was concerned they would remove her Independent financial security). I am not saying it is easy for your parent to find a new partner and have them in your life but the alternative is also really hard. I am sure this lady isn’t trying to replace your mum but as she loves your Dad she wants to build a relationship with you. I would see her as part of your family over time.

I see my Dad's wife as my step mum, and one of my DCs Grandmothers.

@bluelagooner your DH needs to grow up! My step mum refers to my DC as her Grandchildren, they are the eldest, whilst also recognising that her own DDs child is her 'first' DGC. We all know what she means and no one is bothered.

@gardentimeofyear it must be hard to see your das move on. But isn't it better that he's happy? I think her referring to you as family is lovely. My own DCs step Mum has made it clear that they aren't family. There are no pictures of my dc in their house. They go on "family holidays" and tell DC they aren't invited because it's a family holiday. She's a bitch. And my ex is a spineless cunt.

You don’t sound very nice. It doesn’t sound like your dad moved on unreasonably quickly either and shes perfectly entitled to make changes to her home. She clearly sees you as family and why not?

Bit different but my husband's sister has married a man with 2 small children and his mum calls them her Grandchildren which makes my husband livid and he always corrects her and says they're not.

He sounds like a twat. His mum sounds like an angel.

I think it's lovely that she thinks of you as her family. We have done everything we can to welcome FILs new (8 years now) partner into the family, we include her in everything, buy her birthday and Christmas presents etc but she keeps us very much at arms length. It makes things really awkward at times.

I don't see my Mums partner as family, but that's probably because I'm in my late 50s and they've only been together 3 years. If he posted on FB and referred to me and DH as family though, I wouldn't have a problem.

It sounds as though you're very resentful of this woman and see her as trying to replace your mother. I'm sure that's not what she's trying to do.

I don’t see my dad’s partner as family, and I don’t really like her either, I didn’t before she got with him and still don’t. And the way she crawls after him knocks me sick to be honest. She treats him like some type of god. Does everything for him. He’s perfectly capable. But on the other hand I’m happy he’s happy.

but if she posted that, I’d honestly not bother, I’d think it was a sweet gesture , she was making an effort, but no more than that. I’d certainly not be angry.

Wow, that’s horrible, absolutely horrible. What a pig.

Families? You mean vile husbands?! This is awful

You poor thing. You can almost feel the anger and grief in your post op. I can completely understand why you are triggered by this - I think I would be the same - but I don’t actually think anyone is being unreasonable here. I don’t think she’s trying to usurp your dm, she could never do as your dm is irreplaceable. However your family home is now her home and your dad has the right to move on and you do need to work towards getting used to that.

It seems as though she means well and she wants to be ‘family’ of some description. That’s far better than her keeping you all at arms length and trying to alienate you all from your df. Also, I know it’s difficult, but it’s not unreasonable of her to want to put her own stamp on what is now her home. She likely has no idea of your dm’s preferences and to be blunt, she shouldn’t have to consider them. Would you feel better if your df had decided to sell the house and move into a new home with his dp? Or would you prefer it if he was lonely and miserable? My dm never moved on and I worried about her terribly when she got older. She was pretty self-sufficient but I wish she’d have met someone who made her happy. What I’m trying to say is this could all be far worse.

She will never be your dm or your dc’s gm but she can still play a role in your life. No one is expecting you to accept her as a new parent, but I think it’s worth getting to the root of why you are still so upset by this after 8 years, maybe via counselling. And please try and remember that none of this is your dad’s or his partner’s fault (obviously it’s not yours either). It’s an awful situation for you and I hope you can try and move past these feelings.