How do you see your dad's partner?

[gardentimeofyear]

My mum passed away 8 years ago and dad has a new partner who's lived with him for a couple of years.
I visited dad over the weekend for a bbq and catch up along with my DD's who are in their late 20s and naturally she was there too as she lives there, she's ok I suppose and dad's happy.

She posted a picture of me and my grown children on fb and said enjoying time with family.

This has made me so angry because I don't see her as family my dad is my family and my mum was but this woman is not and I had no idea she thought she was.
Aibu or can you just assume a place in someone else's family.
She's 76 and trying to be a step mother/grandmother.
I don't want anyone to see her as family especially not herself.

You're grieving.

It would annoy me too.

Why TF does she need to put anything on bloody Facebook?!

I think 'family' is quite a loose term. She didn't say 'my family'. Sorry OP but I think you're overreacting and it's quite a normal thing for her to say. Sorry about your mum, that must be hard

People can't win either way. If she was distant and didn't treat everyone as family she'd be ostracised for that. Give the woman a break. I doubt there was any malice in it. And maybe take yourself off her FB if it's going to wind you up. Massive overreaction.

None of this is her fault. These are your feelings and the only person responsible for how you’re feeling is you.

She met a single man and moved in with him. Your father is not obliged to keep his home as shrine to your late mum and it’s incredibly unfair to resent his partner for doing absolutely nothing wrong. Would you rather your dad was miserable and alone?

Nobody is trying to replace your mother. You need to find a way to get past this. Your mother died eight years ago and of course you will always miss her, but I think if you are still as raw and angry as you sound, you need some counselling to try and manage your grief because honestly, your post sounds like it was written by a 13-year-old who can’t accept their new stepdad/mum, not a middle-aged woman whose 70+ father has been lucky enough to find some happiness and companionship after being widowed years previously.

Your dad’s partner has done nothing wrong by saying the word ‘family’ on Facebook. How would you feel if your father and siblings refused to accept your own partner as ‘family’? If one of your siblings’ husbands or wives described you and your kids as ‘family’ presumably you’d think that was normal, even though they are no more blood related to you than your father’s partner.

Hopefully her heart is in the right place, but it seems a bit much to me to put these photos and caption on social media. I think I'd struggle with my dad moving someone into what was the shared home but I know that's really my issue and as a grown up I should want him to be happy and be happy for him. Take it as a compliment , that she feels this way. Bit I too would be conflicted.

We all assume when we lose our parents that one goes then the other then we get the house/ inheritance and memory of our parents but it's not always the case.
What happens to the house when your dad dies? Does she live there when you thought it would be yours?
Does she move a new partner in?
I'd be pretty annoyed too knowing my mum worked hard for a house she intends to be for me and my brother just for someone else to call it home.
My parents are still here but I'd find it hard to accept that one or the other would do that.
Equally I am working hard to pay off a mortgage with the hope my dd will inherit it so I'd be mad if I die and dh moves someone else in who benefits from it especially if they have a child who I've never met who gains from my hard earned money that was intended for my own child.

I much prefer her to my mother 😂They have been together for 10 years and I'm sure at the beginning she had a calendar somewhere so she made sure she was only present for 50% of visits. She's lovely.

I’m not particularly close to her, and I doubt we’ll stay in touch after my dad’s gone. But I’m glad that she’s there for him. As far as I can tell she makes him happy, and I’m grateful for that.

My df remarried when I was small but his dw never made me feel welcome. Quite the opposite in fact. Seems she forgot I had lived there long before she did!! Df was a complete sap and allowed bad treatment of me before his every eyes. Be glad your dc have a nice addition to their lives..

You're being very nasty about her. I'm nicer than this to the woman who ran off with my husband when my kids were small.

I get it OP; it’s hard to see my mums new partner in my family home where my memories of my dad are. It helps that the partner is very sensitive to this and doesn’t sit in what was my dads “seat” etc but still I’ve had to detach myself from the memories of it as a childhood home. I think though that your feelings about her have made you see the negative in what was done with the best of intentions and I always try to keep in mind that this is a really hard situation for my mums partner too and that my dad would have wanted my mum to be happy

What are you teaching your own adult children?
If anything happens to you would you want them to learn from you to be hostile to any other woman their dad meets and brings into the family because it's "wrong" or would you prefer it if your husband found happiness and your children accepted someone who could care about them and give them a family unit in your absence?

You sound really unkind OP. Did you expect your Dad to be alone for the rest of his life?

These situations can be very difficult. I remember my stepmum silently moving photos of my mum and us as a family out of the rooms and into storage. Fair enough as it was her partner's ex, but she was my mum (and I lived in the house at the time). Then when my dad passed away the house became my stepmum's home even though I grew up there which felt quite difficult for me. I have never really felt like she was my stepmum but describing her as my dad's wife seems very cold. We get on OK but we've never been close.

If she is your dad's family then she's your family, whether you want her or not and whether you are close or not. Remember she isn't trying to take the place of your mum she is just trying to live her life. While she should be sensitive about your mum, your mum is your dad's previous partner and even if she has passed away that must still feel quite difficult for your stepmum.
While it's valid to not feel hugely warm towards her, I think getting angry about her calling you family is a bit unreasonable. She is probably doing the best she can to integrate without stepping on any toes. She probably cares about you and wants to have a relationship with you, even if that's just being kind to each other or getting on together as though you're friends

Woah. There seems to be some deep rooted issues here. For context, my dad's girlfriend lives with him in the house I grew up in with him and my mum - my parents divorced 25 years ago. She sleeps in the same room my mum used to, uses the same bathroom, redid the garden their way etc. I don't have a problem with it - they're adults living their own lives and time moves on. Its different I guess in that my mum isn't dead but I still don't think I'd have an issue with it - people just move on and have a right to live their lives. Do I see her as family? I guess I do, she's just my dads girlfriend. Would I get arsey if she referred to herself as family? No, because she's part of our 'family' - not the initial one no, but part of the one as it stands today. I'm not sure its healthy to feel as strongly about it as you do.

She invited you all to a BBQ at the home she’s shared with your dad for two years. She clearly cares about you all and is making an effort.

I can understand how raw the loss of your mum feels; it’s not something we just get over, is it? I would struggle to see another woman in what was my mum’s house, however happy I’d be that my dad wasn’t lonely.

She’s extended family. It’s a nice thing she sees you and your adult children in that way - a compliment and indicative of a warm heart. She will never take your mum’s place, but she wants to care about you because she loves your dad.

Don’t let it hurt you, @gardentimeofyear It was coming from a good place, not a callous one.

I would have thought it rather sweet she saw us that way

Ah OP. I feel for you. I know your post sounds like you’re being unkind but perhaps you’re still grieving the loss of your mum. I still have my
mum and I love her dearly so I can only imagine how I’d feel if someone else lived in her house with my dad.

life and feelings are rarely straightforward and mumsnet has a habit of going for the jugular.

would it help to offload to someone? Therapist? Your husband/partner? Or even just tell your dad in confidence how you feel? I don’t think how you feel is wrong (as long as you’re not rude to this lady) and hopefully you work through it.

sending hugs 🤗

Oh OP I totally get it, this is such a tricky thing to navigate.

My Mum remarried her partner 2 years ago, my dad died 10 years ago. I find her new husband ok but he irritates me in many ways. Although fundamentally he is a good person.

He once referred to himself as my stepdad, something which I will never see him as. To me he is my Mums husband.

He also set about not only enthusiastically changing things about the house, but complaining about how much there was to get rid of in the process. I found it a bit insensitive.

I have an 18 month old and my Mum really wanted him to be known as Grandad. I struggled a lot with this but I’ve had to let it go. My Mum is happy, they are happy together and life is way too short to hang on to these feelings.

Going from the posts on this thread I don't see what unkind things the OP has actually done.

Well said.

OP, my stepmum is great, and my DF is very lucky to be with her. She is my DCs’ granny - they call her that plus her name.

My Df got together with her about two years after DM died. About ten years later he moved in with her and sold his house. I’m very happy that he has another relationship that makes him so happy.

I appreciate that you are still grieving but your comments are very hostile.

Your father has the right to a partner. You are being selfish. It sounds like she's trying to have a good relationship with you and you are immaturely spurning her because of your grief, which should be resolved by now. I have been exactly where you are and I did the right thing--loved my dad enough to get over myself.

I would suggest grief counseling because that is the true issue.

It's always complicated when there's children involved but you are not children and your dad's parenting days are over.
Your dad and mum raised a family and now your dad has a new wife/partner.
You have you're family and own children and I'm sure wouldn't want your dad chipping in with his feelings about your choice of partner so he has no obligation at his age to factor in how his relationship sits with you.
Sorry if that sounds harsh but you have asked if you're being unreasonable and I think you are.

When my dad was alive, my step-mother was an absolute psycho bitch. A literal, abusive psycho. I hated her. Stupidly, dad trusted her for some reason so he stupidly didn't leave a will and just trusted her to sort it out. Needless to say, she stole everything of value, and then proceeded to burn decades of my grandmother's photos, photos from the 40s all the way up until the 90s or so. Decades of memories, all gone, because "it's my religion" (but not my dad's, nor my nan's). May she burn in the hell she belongs in when she dies.

YANBU if you have those feelings and have kept it to yourself and come here to let that out.
YABU if you have let those feelings show to your dad and his partner and created a hostile environment where your dc have felt uncomfortable too.
However I do think 8 years is long enough to have accepted the loss and moved forward (not saying grief ever goes away) but you should be in a better place by now and willing to accept the fact your dad has moved on.
If that isn't the case you must take responsibility for that and resolve these issues before they damage your relationship with your family.