Is it really like this having a child?

[Handsomesquidward]

A friend of mine has a toddler now and since he's been born, she won't even leave the local village without months of planning in advance because the entire day revolves around his nap at the exact time.
Zero spontaneity anymore, they have decided not to go abroad for the next few years either.
Everything planned very meticulously, they will only have a night out once every 5 months or something as they will only trust their parents to babysit.

I don't have children and this method obviously works for her, it just feels so restrictive. I cannot imagine living life that way, surely this isn't how it has to be?

My baby created a nap routine and doesn’t sleep through the night if she goes outside of it. I never wanted to be a routine-led mum but I am now. My night time sleep is just more important and I become depressed if I’m up all night with her, so the nap has to be prioritised. I’ve tried ignoring the routine or trying to do it on the go and it doesn’t work. I think it very much depends on the baby.

I could be really flexible with ds1's nap.
DS2 is a different kettle of fish... If he doesn't get a decent nap, I'm up every hour with him at night. And nothing during the day is worth then having to get up so much at night...

YANBU for the naps at set times, that's ridiculous in my opinion.
I used to try and avoid driving after 3pm as she'd falling asleep in the car and not settle at night. But anything before that was fine.

YABU for the babysitters, not everyone has a stream of support in terms people who they'd trust to look after their child and who would WANT to do it. If it had been down to just my parents, it would have been every few months for 3/4 hours, tops.

This.

To this day I don't sleep well at all in places that are not my own bed in my own room. Never been able to sleep in the car / on a plane / coach / bus. Takes ages to settle down. My sister on the other hand can fall asleep literally anywhere almost instantly. No exaggeration.

If we, as adults, are different with sleep patterns, routines and where/how we sleep, we should be able to fathom that babies and children are also all different.

I am lucky that DD will sleep when she's decided she's tired, no matter where she is. However, convincing her she's tired (even if she clearly is) when she doesn't believe she is, means we could try everything and she will not go (as is happening right now....).

This!

My son is actually fairly easy to get off for a nap. He can nap in the car, the pram, on my husband's shoulder, on my lap, to a certain extent in his cot.

But he needs one of those methods, and he'll need it at intervals varying between 2-3.5h.

As an adult dealing with his night wakings, I can catch on sleep during his first nap. Otherwise I'm not tired enough for the night and can't get to sleep early enough if I nap in the afternoon.

If I have specific sleep needs it's ridiculous to say that a little baby can't.

yes it sometimes does have to be like this. Parents of babies/toddlers often prioritise sleep over everything else, as it's in such short supply. If you have a child who needs a nap and will only nap at home then most likely you will make sure that happens. We are lucky that our DS will sleep in any crib, so we can go to any friend's house for the day, with a travel cot. But he won't sleep in a pram any more, so we can't do whole days out at a public place. Yes, it sucks, as it's limiting, but he'll have dropped his nap in 6 months' time and then normal life can resume again!

Parenthood is full of short-ish phases, and your friend is in the "naps are key to everyone's happiness" phase! She will come out of it before you know it.

Holidays - we've done 2. First one when DS was tiny was great, but second when he was a toddler was a bit of a disaster as he was so unhappy being in the heat and out of his routine for so long. Doesn't seem worth the money for us to have a miserable few days!

Babysitting - most parents will only trust family and very very close friends until the child starts school, when the circle widens a little, as the child can then talk, take themselves to the toilet, eat most normal food, etc.

The OP’s friend has a toddler. Not a baby. I’m glad my DD just slept! Went to bed late but slept. Rarely had a broken night.

Sometimes it’s the parents, sometimes it’s the kids.

we are generally very chilled about most things but our DD slept like a dream at night and that was valuable to us.
we cared about it more than appearing convivial and chilled to others, we cared about it more than socialising, it wasn’t worth the drama / night wakings.

our Dd napped from 12.30-4 and liked to nap in her bed.
We stopped doing afternoon things out… it just wasn’t worth it…
Instead we invited friends over and would have lovely long lunches in the garden or DH and I would grab pizza and watch a movie… whatever…

now shes 2 she naps 2-4 so we have more flex.

@sandorschicken

This is just not true!

How can you say my experience is not true??

Because you didn't say 'in your experience', you said 'Going abroad with babies or toddlers is pointless. It's not a holiday.' as though it was a statement of fact that applies to everyone!

DD1 only napped in 28 minute bursts, so that one session a day pf peace was so precious that I’d have killed anyone who got in the way of it. She was foul without enough sleep, yet hated sleeping. So that was fun.

DD2 was an utter delight who still only did short naps but would do them anywhere and was still adorably happy if her schedule was messed up.

Your friends might be anxious, or might be doing what they need to do in order to survive this stage. They’ll come out of the other side soon enough.

Parenting is different for everyone. If the family is healthy and happy, then best take a live and let live approach.

I’ve got two kids, a newborn at the moment, nothing stops me going out- baby will sleep anywhere so that’s no problem and when my eldest was younger and had established nap times- I would just organise the day so we can still go out etc. if we were out and it hit map time- if at a friends house- I brought the travel cot, but worst case scenario- sleep in car or pram. But really you can do loads in between their naps, everything is workable. I’ve had friends not leave the house for weeks after giving birth, I was out at the local cafe within a few days with the pram.

We never programmed our lives for 3 children. The only problem was trying to do anything on time as you could guarantee that a nappy would need changing, baby wanted feeding or toddler wanting an unscheduled nap.

The holiday thing is unsurprising. When DS was 1 we went on holiday to Greece. We had the most amazing time there, beautiful weather, happy baby, lovely staff who loved him, bliss. Until the journey home.

Our plane was delayed so we were at the airport for 5 hours, most of those through security in a tiny airport where you could only purchase crisps and bottled water. When we got on the plane it then missed takeoff so we had another hour before we even set off. At this point we'd missed naps and meals and we were desperately trying to keep him calm to avoid upsetting other people.

By the time we got home it had been 12 hours and DS had scream cried for most of the car journey back. He then pretty much didn't sleep for another 3 days and all that wonderful relaxed feeling from holiday just vanished.

But to a lot of people, it is pointless.

My DD loves the beach, and had a great time on it when she was almost one and almost two. For ten minutes at a time, then she'd have done a poo (nappy changes in the sand are obviously great fun), be hungry/tired/bored. When she's slightly older it'll be amazing taking her on holiday.

But for many parents, holidays with very small children is a lot of packing, prep and stress. It's still parenting, but you're elsewhere without everything you might usually have to hand but didn't think to pack. It's somewhere that is unfamiliar to your child with a bed that isn't theirs (even if you take a travel cot). So sleep (which might be poor in the first place) suffers.

For you it's not true that holidays with a baby are pointless. But for those of us who had no fun when we tried they are, because a one year old isn't going to remember it anyway and you spent a week exhausted and stressed.

PP didn't say it was her experience, but neither did you. You just gave a broad "that's not true".

She likes her sleep more than she values your friendship.

Some people have taken this verrrrry personally tbh.

I love holidays with my kids! I don’t find it stressful at all. Long naps, evening entertainment, kids club when they get to 4.

I also like my sleep more than any friendship 🤣

You are one of the lucky ones.

My DD hated the bed so much the last time we went away she didn't nap unless we drove around and she could sleep in her car seat. She spent a good chunk of the nights in bed with us because she'd wake up, realise she was in the bed she hated and scream.

At home she's (mostly) a brilliant sleeper.

That’s the truth of it though, she either has a child who isn’t very flexible sleep wise or she’s made one. I really valued the midday nap and tried to stay home or timed it around a journey. Sounds like if she deviates from her routine it makes the rest of her day hard.

Nights out I understand, I felt the same although I’ve always left them with my DH.

I’ve taken my kids on holiday though.

All that happens to me too, I just don’t get stressed about it. I wouldn’t drive endlessly for a nap, just let them nap late and have a late night. It’s more stressful trying to stick to a rigid routine sometimes.

We aren't rigid either. But she would not nap at all anywhere else, so only if we were travelling back from a day out did she nap.

And without a nap, she was utterly miserable. So it wasn't fun.

1. Going on holiday with young children is NOT a holiday 🤣
2. Any level of hangover with young children is hell on earth 🫠

I took my toddler on holiday abroad by myself as dh had work commitments. It was great shrug but then I never have thought hangovers were a positive contribution to holidays anyway.

We visited museums, parks and zoos. We sat in lovely cafes and shared ice creams. Bliss.