Is it really like this having a child?

[Handsomesquidward]

A friend of mine has a toddler now and since he's been born, she won't even leave the local village without months of planning in advance because the entire day revolves around his nap at the exact time.
Zero spontaneity anymore, they have decided not to go abroad for the next few years either.
Everything planned very meticulously, they will only have a night out once every 5 months or something as they will only trust their parents to babysit.

I don't have children and this method obviously works for her, it just feels so restrictive. I cannot imagine living life that way, surely this isn't how it has to be?

My almost 1 year old doesn't nap in the pram. She gets so restless and upset if she hasn't had an afternoon nap as she won't nap whilst we're out. It's stressful and that's why I won't take her on holiday just yet. You say 'all these poor DC not going on holiday' as if it's child neglect. Your 5 year old is very different to a toddler who won't remember the holiday. 5 year olds also don't need naps.

Every baby/toddler is different. Parents of easy babies don't understand.

Well I have a 2 and a 5 year old so clearly I don’t have both in clubs for over 4’s and have had two young children 24/7 on holidays more than I haven’t. I haven’t left my older one in clubs either. I sat watching him enjoy being entertained by someone else from a distance. I’ll play it by ear this year and suspect I’ll leave him but I’ll still have my two year old.

It’s funny how everyone wants to try and convince me my experience is so different to theirs because I dare enjoy it.

We all enjoy our kids. We don't all try and convince everyone else that our experience is the right way and others aren't trying hard enough to enjoy theirs.

Im not sure why you feel so attacked and the need to retaliate to that. I’ve said several times holidays aren’t essential and each family should do what they want. I really don’t care who takes their kids away and who doesn’t.

The OP did think her friend wasn’t trying and that’s all the info we have. Obviously if parents don’t want to see friends that’s up to them. Luckily most of our friends ploughed on. Even ones with twins.

My DC could recall holidays at 5 and talk about what they saw a year or so earlier. When they get to 25 and 20 or 40 holidays later, they might not. Glad your DC is super bright though . That’s another factor that makes parenting easier.

Glad your DC is super bright though

Ahh yes birthing too extraordinary children who are not childlike at all is the secret to my enjoyment of holidays. 🫢

There's a lot in here about sleep and not a lot about other stuff like feeding and play.

My son hates a highchair and eats very little. He's very happy crawling around and playing, and he doesn't understand why everyone sits down and doesn't immediately turf their plate over, then crawl around smashing the bits into crevices.

So the easiest meals for us are picnics,or somewhere he can safely crawl.

My husband and in laws were trying to arrange Sunday lunch between them at the weekend, until I asked what our son was going to eat, when were we going, who was going to supervise him whilst he played if we didn't get the seating next to the play area, who was going to push him around to sleep when the choice was between nap and screaming...

(Ironically, I think if he'd thought it through, my ILs would have loved to have him to themselves whilst we went to eat in peace...)

It feels like some people very much see babies as semi-animate toys. Not small, unreasonable people with wants, needs and personalities of their own.

When you have a child you will be amazed the sacrifices you will make out of sheer love and adoration!

No, it doesn't have to be like that. I traveled all over the world with babies and children. Went on holiday overseas after a c-section with a toddler and a 6 week old baby. Traveled to Japan, China, Thailand, Indonesia and back and forth to the U.K. with children before they were 5 years old. Children will fit into your lifestyle and you can develop routines that suit you and your family. It's not always easy but it is always manageable and I don't regret my choices. Other people enjoy very strict routines and that works better for them. I think as long as children are loved and cared for you work out what's best for your own family- there really is no right and wrong providing your babies are unconditionally loved and cared for. It is not for us to judge other people's parenting styles if their children are happy and well loved

Every family will be different!

never ever have I restricted outings due to nap times, I’d work round them in whatever way I saw fit too though. Meet on Saturday 2pm? Dammit that’s his nap time… ok leave at 1, sleep in car til 2 and then meet but not everyone would or will do that.

all I’ll say is do not knock it until you are a parent yourself because ultimately you have no idea how you’ll or baby will be / feel day to day and you could be worse than your friend ha ha!

Sadly it is mostly true for us too.

Weve gon abroad with DS1 when he was 9 months old. He only slept for 45 minutes the entire 9 hour flight so that was hard, but the rest of the jiday was great despite being really hot!

However the choice to not go abroad was driven by money for us. Whats the point of spending loads to go and stay in a hotel room where we need to creep around after the kids are in bed or spend enormous amounts for multi rooms etc. Weve been using the money for DIY and nursery fee's instead.

And babysitters? We don't have anyone that knows our kids well enough for them to be comfortable with,but that will change with time

My two were creatures of habit and liked to nap at the same time every day. And if it was late we knew about it 🤣

We planned days out around naps and although we haven’t been abroad are planning on next year

My SIL could never understand why we wanted DC1 in bed at 630pm. At 6pm he became a little grump and by half past I didn’t like my child because he would just have a complete meltdown 😂 Made me feel better when she had her second child who was worse for routine than mine 🤣

Depends entirely on the kid. Some are flexible some need total routine or the whole family suffers. If this is how your mate is dealing with it then she’s probably of the anxious persuasion but equally its for her to navigate. Cut her some slack either way

I've no idea when this developed as in the early days in our marriage we didn't even have a car so just trains or whatever. So just sometimes my friend and I had maybe a weekend .and our our husbands worked away( long distance or over seas)We always boarded buses or trains just for the sanity or wellbeing .Get out to a fairly big city at near Christmas time .What a lovely time to break up the monotonous days .It always turned out to be big exciting days out for little ones too .

Nah, mine had a loose nap schedule but if we were out or something unplanned was going on out of the house I'd just lye him down somewhere with blankeys or in my arms sat down. No hass.

I'm a mum of 2 and definitely was never like this when they were little. Way OTT

Some people insist it must be like that, yes. They can’t wait to shut the door on the world and often kids are an excuse.

Others just change when they become parents, especially some women. They seem to pull the shutters down and it becomes them and their baby/kids against the world. It’s odd to see.

Leave them to it.

Nope, my life didn’t stop and my children fitted around me, within reason. They are now 2 happy, well adjusted teenagers. Each to their own but I couldn’t bear their life!

We do this. We plan around my dd nap time. She will ONLY nap in her cot. And she is sleep trained so she puts herself off to sleep. She has a solid 2.5 hour nap. In that time it's fine for dh and I to do what we want - meet a friend, gym, cook, relax. We do what we need before and after the nap. If we stick to this routine, then 7pm we are free again. Like clockwork.
So that is an excellent amount of time for us.

If she does not get her nap, then she will be horrendous come nighttime, be overtired and have a very bad night sleep which means the next day is a nightmare too.

So we stick to the nap routine. It won't be like this always but I would much rather have a child who sleeps like clockwork and puts herself off to sleep.

Chilled parents chilled kids
Uptight parents uptight kids.

I found that you can't have flexibility and routine. If you wanted the routine to be reliable, you had to be very consistent. My children napped in cots 1-3 each day and I went out often (if husband was there wfh). Honestly, this kept me sane. I couldn't deal with the inconsistency, I needed that time. So I don't think it's odd, you do kind of put your life on hold really.

A lot of people are like this when they have one child, when they have another they suddenly realise they can’t be like that.

Nonsense

We have a strict routine but I know with absolute certainty that 12 - 2:30pm I am free and from 7pm we are all free. Free as in we can do whatever we want without my baby waking up.

Friend who goes and does what she wants but sits at night with a baby who takes ages to sleep and wakes frequently. One example that makes your statement just not true.

I think if you’re not that kind of person it won’t be that way for you. Chilled parent have chilled kids. All kids will have tough times where you can’t do what you want when you want, but generally I think if you get them used to going places and being with other people you’ll get on a lot easier. But all kids are different.

The secret joy to parenthood is routines.

There is so much stuff from enough sleep, to homework, to getting school clothes ready, and fun, that is just aided by expectations and routines.

The secret joy to happiness. Just be happy at home.

If you're happy at home, your engagement with the outside world is based on what works for your family.

Sounds like they're happy. And your lifestyle and their lifestyle don't mix right now.

If you genuinely value her just re-engage in 5 years. Their priority is their child.