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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask you how far you'd go to stop a friend from frequently drink driving

107 replies

wherehaveallthegoodfolkgone · 02/06/2024 22:31

He's in his early 60s, drives a van and is convinced that alcohol won't impair his judgement.

Today he was drinking several glasses of wine at his son's house before driving for an hour to return back. We live close by and I noticed the state he was in.
I really lost it today, he could have killed someone. I've messaged his son but I short of reporting him, what on earth can I do.?

I've sat down with him and made him read the RAC facts on drink driving, the met police facts on jail/licence removal etc.
He's nodding but deep down I know he won't really listen.
Any suggestions?

OP posts:
Natty13 · 03/06/2024 12:07

My job involves children who have been hit by drunk drivers or in innocent cars mangled by the accidents the drunks cause. The faces of so many parents and young siblings are burned into my mind.

People like you who know it's happening yet never want to report them - the only thing that will stop these idiots - are among the most selfish, disgusting members of society. I hope if he continues it's one of your kids he hits and not one of mine. Everyone knows about these people and everyone wrings their hands when it happens, but the ones with the power to stop it never do. Disgraceful.

Piddypigeon · 03/06/2024 12:09

i wouldn't hesitate to report at all. he could kill someone. why on earth wouldn't you ring the police? I never understand this sort of staying out behaviour

Ladyj84 · 03/06/2024 12:11

If you've known and know he drives while drinking excessively then I wouldn't have hesitated reporting before now.I wouldn't sit down with him, if he doesn't know basics then he shouldn't be driving. God forbid that was my children he could run into!

ImOldb4mytime · 03/06/2024 12:14

YABU because you should absolutely have reported already.
My life was ruined by a drunk driver. I suffer pain daily and have for the last 27 years due to it. It has affected my entire life.

SpringleDingle · 03/06/2024 12:15

I'd report to the police.. each and every time!

Shetlands · 03/06/2024 12:20

Of course you must report him! What would you do if you knew he was regularly going around drunk with a loaded gun in his hand?

LookHowTheyShine · 03/06/2024 12:23

I’d take his keys, ask others to do the same and I’d report him. I wouldn’t stay friends with him. We lost a relative because a drunk driver mounted the pavement and ran him over.

Drink driving is such an unnecessary thing to do and the consequences can be devastating.

BarrioQueen · 03/06/2024 12:23

He needs reporting. He could kill someone and if you don;t do something about it really you are also to blame.

BitzNBobz · 03/06/2024 12:28

NewName24 · 02/06/2024 22:58

Not sure which way your AIBU was.
I voted YABU, because I think YABU for not phoning the police when you knew he was getting behind the wheel of his van.

Maybe other voters interpreted the question differently ? As it seem unlikely people think it reasonable that you know about this and haven't stopped him.

I voted YABU too for exactly this reason.

ManilowBarry · 03/06/2024 12:35

Report him.

EnterFunnyNameHere · 03/06/2024 12:49

100% report him. It's not "dobbing him in" or anything petty, it could literally save someones life!

Also, is it his own van or a company van? If a company van, report to his company too?

Cosycover · 03/06/2024 12:58

I reported my friend once who left my house at 2am absolutely pissed beyond belief.

He deserved it.

But nothing happened. He didn't get caught.

ThisHumanBean · 03/06/2024 13:10

Report.

He could have 20 odd years of driving still and his ‘luck’ will run out and he will kill someone. Imagine you’d had the opportunity to get in the way of a CRIMINAL committing a crime and you did nothing…

muddyford · 03/06/2024 13:18

Just report him when you know he's been drinking and gets in the van. How could you live with yourself if he mows down a little family or an elderly couple?

JoyousPinkPeer · 20/07/2024 15:19

I would end the friendship as I would have to report him.

His son should not have let him drink drive.

oldmoaner · 13/03/2025 22:54

His son gave him several glasses of wine? I'd blow up at him and say do you want him dead, or someone else dead!!! Then if I know DH has been drinking again and gets behind the wheel I'd phone police and get him arrested!!

RedRidingGood · 13/03/2025 22:57

Is this for real? Obviously report.

JeanGenieJean · 13/03/2025 23:01

I'd report him.
I have done this, when a distant relative drank several cans of strong lager at a family funeral. He insisted on driving home (40 miles) taking his elderly aunt. He lost his licence and I'm glad he was off the road as it was only a matter of time before he killed someone.

JeanGenieJean · 13/03/2025 23:04

Natty13 · 03/06/2024 12:07

My job involves children who have been hit by drunk drivers or in innocent cars mangled by the accidents the drunks cause. The faces of so many parents and young siblings are burned into my mind.

People like you who know it's happening yet never want to report them - the only thing that will stop these idiots - are among the most selfish, disgusting members of society. I hope if he continues it's one of your kids he hits and not one of mine. Everyone knows about these people and everyone wrings their hands when it happens, but the ones with the power to stop it never do. Disgraceful.

My SIL and BIL were laughing about a friend of theirs who regularly drink drives and drove into some railings. I asked how they'd feel if one of their children was in front of the railings.
I don't know how they can live with themselves, condoning that.

lily219 · 13/03/2025 23:07

Report him. He's a danger to everyone else on the road - and to himself.

Onlyvisiting · 13/03/2025 23:14

wherehaveallthegoodfolkgone · 02/06/2024 22:40

Yes, that's the only thing I can think of 😥
I know he'll end up killing someone or causing an accident one day.
So sad ..I'll have to give up a friendship. In every other way he's the most kindest person.

Bloody idiot.

You could make a final warning if it makes you feel better. But tbh anyone who believes they can safely drink and drive is unlikely to be dissuaded buy a threat.

Look at it this way, if he ends up dead or in prison your friendship will also be over, but if he kills someone you will never get over the guilt if you do nothing.

Jamfirstest · 14/03/2025 10:30

Report him right now. A long time ago I packed up the clothes of a dead 19 years old to give to her parents after she was killed by a drunk driver. It was 20 years ago this year and I still well up thinking about it. It was utterly horrific. 2 died and one significantly injured and lay unconscious in the car for 5 hours before he was able to flag down a passing car.

She should be 39 and have a career and a partner and kids and all that really.

Please just report him now.

RedHot2025 · 14/03/2025 10:31

Report him, before he kills or injures someone.

Paramedics have enough to do.

Lavender14 · 14/03/2025 10:36

It sounds like he may have issues with alcohol in general op if he's sinking multiple glasses of wine and assuming he's fine on the regular.

I would also report him - he's responsible for his actions and decisions but if you stand by and watch then I'd see that as being complicit. I'd send him and the son resources for alcohol support, report him and then walk away from the friendship.

He's probably got himself into a false sense of security with it as he's been doing it so much but the problem with that is then it escalates, he becomes cocky and he ends up killing someone. You've tried to reach him in a supportive way and he's refused any accountability so I don't think there's anything else you can now do but report him. If not to the police then to his place of work if he's driving for a company - they may have a duty of care but I know most will only act supportively if the person themselves come saying they have a problem.

StMarie4me · 14/03/2025 10:39

They would no longer be my friend I’m afraid. Drink drivers kill. Would you be friends with someone who randomly shoots firearms? Just because they hadn’t actually hit someone?