To feel so sad at how busy my step-daughters life is

[Justgivetea]

Hi,

Some context, my step-daughter is 10, she's in Y6. Her mum passed away when she was 6, I've been in her life for 2 years now. I have a son of my own who is 11.

My SD is a darling of a girl, she's smart and hardworking and never seems to cause an issue. Her dad (my partner) claims his parenting method is "high expectation, high reward". But honestly the poor girl never stops!!
She attends a private prep school, dropped off to breakfast club at 7.30, picked up by her grandma at 3.45. Then a club every night of the week, 2 days tennis, 2 days ballet, 1 day piano. No weekday play dates, just school, homework, dinner and clubs.
On Saturday she attends a Saturday school (her dad is French), 8.30-1. This is basically just French classes as far as I know. Then picked up packed lunch in the car, straight to tennis for 1-2 hours.
Sunday she doesn't have any official hobbies planned in but this is the only day she can do play dates/go to parties, ride her bike round the park - you know - be a child.
This summer she will finish school on Friday the 5th of July (prep schools and ridiculously early finishes). Go to Wimbledon with her dad on the Saturday (so long day). Fly to France as an unaccompanied minor with a chaperone on the Sunday morning, be picked up by some coach from a tennis school, spend two weeks there, playing tennis for several hours a day for 6 days. Then at the end will be picked up by her French grandparents, spend a week with them, go on holiday with her dad for two weeks (and my son and I this year), back to the UK to spend a week with her mums parents, then oh yes back to France for two more weeks of tennis! She will get back on the Sunday and have one day left before it's her first day at senior school!
She never grumbles about any of it and she does enjoy tennis (she did 2, 1 week camps last year) but when she got back all her dad could tell me was she seemed tired - so obviously that means the next year you book double right?!
I feel so sad for her, summer holidays should be play dates with friends, paddling pool in the garden, bike to the park etc. I feel she has no childhood and it seems exhausting.

We agreed not to comment on the others parenting but I find it so hard to seem this little girl be dragged around to all these activities all the time. I often wonder if the reason she never misbehaves is because she always too tired to! And if her room is never messy as she is never allowed to be in it!!

AIBU to think this is a really sad childhood?

Also - Learning to be bored? If Sundays are totally unstructured then she can be bored then, or in the 2 weeks she’s with grandparents in the summer holidays. Being good at being busy will create a much more successful life than being good at doing nothing!

Totally depends on the child! But sounds mostly pretty much amazing to me!

Hardly anyone does weekday play dates these days.

My kids pester non stop about wanting to do things on the holidays and weekends. If they had friends at clubs/camps and enjoyed them, they'd be in heaven with that schedule!

If she's desperate to stop, or miserable, then you've got a point. But doesn't sound like she is.

Ah, maybe that´s the issue (I´m not from the UK). It honestly did not seem strange to me.

I had to give up one of my extra-curriculars when I regularly had school until 18.00 (scheduling conflicts, needing time for to complete my assignements etc.) but still had 3 fairly time intensive extra-curriculars until I graduated high school.

I also simply told my mother that I wanted to give up one of my extra-curriculars when it became too much (but I would expect a parent to keep an eye on the load / whether the child was doing well at school etc).

That's too demanding. I don't know who the insane people are saying YABU! It's obviously way too much! MN is a bit warped though.

It sounds like her dad doesn't want to spend any time with her (not saying that's true). Just those 2 weeks on holiday and he carts her off somewhere else to someone else to look after her the rest of the time... it would probably be nice if he went with her to France. With her mum passed she only has her dad, you'd think he'd cherish the time he has before she's a young adult. She will remember this.

I work in a prep - this is a pretty normal schedule for the children I teach. I would suggest that as long as she isn't stressed about it - is happy to go to activities, isn't quiet sometimes when talking about it, has friends and party invities, is generally excited about life - I would leave her to it. But keep an eye on it and if she expresses any concerns or is showing unhappinness, you can be her advocate and support her in tackling issues with dad if needs be.

I agree, it's not much of a childhood. Has anyone just tried talking to her? Properly I mean. I presume she'll rebel in a few years time. I think this boundary of not discussing each others' parenting way is too extreme and obv affecting you, hence you're here on mumsnet. How will you feel in years to come if she tells you she was miserable, knowing you colluded in this?

Has her father ever bothered to ask his Daughter what she would like to do or is he more interested in living his life child free ?

To answer some of the questions as I've done some digging this morning.

Apparently the tennis camps are because neither set of grandparents felt they could do more than one week of childcare and he can only get 2 week annual leave. He felt 4 weeks in the sun, speaking only French, doing something she loves, would be better than a kids club where they are just doing random activities each day. He also thinks the independence of being away on her own is good.

I asked if he ever worries about her schedule and he said no, she spends Sundays doing very little and doesn't seem tired. She has friends at these activities and begs him to go.

He says he sends her to the French school as he wants her to be as good at French as she is English, including grammar and written skills.

It stills seems a bit much to me but maybe that's just because my son couldn't handle it, he definitely needs time just to do nothing, 1 day a week wouldn't be enough for him.

She sounds like she has a wonderful life and she will be gaining so many skills from it - she will grow up to be confident, independent, bilingual, hard working. She is very lucky to have so many people who care for her after losing her mum too.
I am sure that her father is doing his best after a dreadful trauma and you are really unreasonable to post up her schedule and criticise it in the way that you have - she will be very recognisable to other people.

I worry about many kids in the UK as I look around and see increasingly introverted, inactive, screen obsessed and frankly lazy kids with soaring mental health issues and no social skills to speak of. Would you rather she ended up like this?

Language is a use or lose it skill. If her dad stops speaking to her in French she will start to lose it. And the Saturday school will be keeping her written French skills to a helpful level. If she wants to live or work in France one day or go to university there it will be an option for her. Learn French if you’re bothered by not understanding her interactions with your partner.

insane people? You mean other parents with busy kids, busy happy and thriving kids? 😂

It might be too demanding for you, it's perfectly fine for most kids. Staying home doing nothing or pottering around is the idea of hell for many of us.

10 years old kids are full of energy, they need to do things.
Adults are designed to be active, it's so unhealthy to have a quiet life if you physically could move and do things, mentally and physically.

Agree. Nothing wrong at all with structure and high expectations. This parental style is common amongst immigrants and other cultures. The second language and the father’s insistence on French is a massive credit to him.

Absolutely! 👏

Sounds like he’s manufacturing a certain type of person rather than raising a daughter.

My favourite bit about parenting is laying around on my bed with them and chatting, even now they’re older. Hearing all their latest in-jokes, what everyone’s like in their lives, all their funny stories, reminiscing about old times, wondering about their futures, asking about my past, hearing them tease each other, them teasing me for being “old”, etc.

I do wonder about parents that have their children constantly busy. Looks good when you’re telling all your friends how many things your child is good at but don’t you want to spend any time with them? 🤔

For all these saying she is 'overscheduled' and its too demanding (about a child you dont even know), by whose measure do you say this? If its your own measure, who says you are right?

OP sets out a child who says, and we only have this to go on, thta she is happy, she enjoys her life. So where is the evidence to say its all too much?

Learn French if you’re bothered by not understanding her interactions with your partner

This is absolutely what I would be doing OP and I would be glad of the chance! Have you not considered making this effort? It would also benefit your son too.

A lot of the activities sound great if she really enjoys them. I do wonder if she's missing out on unscheduled alone time, when you can let your imagination wander and play quietly, and get creative by making up stories or painting or drawing, without any obligation to follow anyone else's structure or instructions.

Learning to enjoy being alone with your thoughts is an important skill imo, and hard to do when you're very tired and every hour is scheduled with activities every day.

Do your DP and his DD ever just hang out together? I wonder if he's avoiding this somewhat. It might not be something he's used to doing either, if he was raised in a similar way.

Apparently it's all her choice. I asked today how he knows she isn't too tired and he said that at the end of every school term they discuss what activities she will do the next term. He says it's made clear that she can drop anything she wants (apart from French school but she doesn't view that as a hobby, that's just school to her like normal school).
He says he has limited it already to 1 activity a day and 1 day free and this is what she wants to do. He told me she has expressed wanting to quit ballet at the end of the school year and mostly only goes as her school friends go.

She has all Sunday to do as she wishes and get downtime if she wants it. I genuinely don't understand the issue.

I think the op was looking for different opinions and perspectives, and that's what people are giving.

He sounds like a great father to me. You should not have posted this. It genuinely comes across as envy that this child is a bit of a superstar and high achiever.

Why do you read envy in this?

Also how is the child "a superstar" etc? The op is listing activities, not awards.

And there are countries where children's heavy schedules are being acknowledged as a potential mental health problems with attempts being made to make their childhood a bit easier - see what is happening in Korea, for example.

Normal for a wealthy child IMO. Especially on the continent. So, French partner is doing what he sees as best.

Do you feel threatened by it as his child is bilingual and a good tennis player who travels and sounds very independent?

Levels of education and expectation and language skills are superior when you go outside the UK. IMO.