To feel so sad at how busy my step-daughters life is

[Justgivetea]

Hi,

Some context, my step-daughter is 10, she's in Y6. Her mum passed away when she was 6, I've been in her life for 2 years now. I have a son of my own who is 11.

My SD is a darling of a girl, she's smart and hardworking and never seems to cause an issue. Her dad (my partner) claims his parenting method is "high expectation, high reward". But honestly the poor girl never stops!!
She attends a private prep school, dropped off to breakfast club at 7.30, picked up by her grandma at 3.45. Then a club every night of the week, 2 days tennis, 2 days ballet, 1 day piano. No weekday play dates, just school, homework, dinner and clubs.
On Saturday she attends a Saturday school (her dad is French), 8.30-1. This is basically just French classes as far as I know. Then picked up packed lunch in the car, straight to tennis for 1-2 hours.
Sunday she doesn't have any official hobbies planned in but this is the only day she can do play dates/go to parties, ride her bike round the park - you know - be a child.
This summer she will finish school on Friday the 5th of July (prep schools and ridiculously early finishes). Go to Wimbledon with her dad on the Saturday (so long day). Fly to France as an unaccompanied minor with a chaperone on the Sunday morning, be picked up by some coach from a tennis school, spend two weeks there, playing tennis for several hours a day for 6 days. Then at the end will be picked up by her French grandparents, spend a week with them, go on holiday with her dad for two weeks (and my son and I this year), back to the UK to spend a week with her mums parents, then oh yes back to France for two more weeks of tennis! She will get back on the Sunday and have one day left before it's her first day at senior school!
She never grumbles about any of it and she does enjoy tennis (she did 2, 1 week camps last year) but when she got back all her dad could tell me was she seemed tired - so obviously that means the next year you book double right?!
I feel so sad for her, summer holidays should be play dates with friends, paddling pool in the garden, bike to the park etc. I feel she has no childhood and it seems exhausting.

We agreed not to comment on the others parenting but I find it so hard to seem this little girl be dragged around to all these activities all the time. I often wonder if the reason she never misbehaves is because she always too tired to! And if her room is never messy as she is never allowed to be in it!!

AIBU to think this is a really sad childhood?

When do you have time together as a family?

Is she good enough to make all this tennis worth while or is that a dream of her dad's?

What do you think her mother would have wanted for her?

Do you think she feels unwelcome in your home on some level if she's always being taken somewhere else?

"It takes up so much of her time and I can't really see it's worth - she is fluent, most mistake her for a French child when she is speaking to her dad in public - what more do they want!"

I suppose your DP wants her to be able to write properly as well. Still a bit much to start at 8.30 am every morning, but I get why just them speaking to each other and watching TV isn't enough for him.

I didn't think it is that excessive although the French lessons seems quite long. Maybe a lot of it is just socialising in French though so could be very enjoyable. My DC did activities every night at that age too because they asked to. Saturday mornings they did sport. Holidays would also often activities booked in. Perhaps your partner thinks your DS is having a sad boring childhood if they don't do many activities.

Yes, being overscheduled to this level is terrible for kids but there's nothing you can do. Personally, I feel that parenting styles are closely linked to your values as a person, so I wouldn't have pursued a relationship with someone with such a different outlook. It sounds like your DH is very competitive and sees his child as something of a project.

Why should she drop French? Do you want your son to drop English literature simply because he is perfectly fluent in English?
Do you think that simply speaking English (at home) would be enough and no additional education required?

And let´s not forget that she - unlike your DS, who will presumably also speak and write in English for his additional lessons - will not have the benefit of additional classes being taught in French.

It is not simply about meeting other bilingual children. This is also about grammar, having an advanced vocabulary, being able to express herself at a high leven in spoken and written French etc.

I won’t comment on anything else but this jumped out at me. I am fully bilingual in Spanish and English. My dad was the one pushing the English on me as a child- we lived in Spain, he is English, and he would only speak to me in English- including in front of others and when picking me up from school etc

I disliked it at times as a child, but as an adult I am very grateful. Being effortlessly fluent in two languages is a gift, it really is.

Imagine “not judging parenting” being one of your strict marriage boundaries and then you find out your wife has posted your child’s (very identifiable) schedule online and invited criticism of

Mate I’d divorce you so fast your head would spin

Tournament level tennis for 10-12 year olds, often involves 10-15 hours coaching a week. In my experience it is often driven by the children themselves who just love it. For many they fade from the game mid to late teens but the childhood coaching they receive as juniors is a skill that is with them fof life.
Nothing you have written is unusual.
Hockey, tennis, a musical instrument makes for a busy week for many little girls. Some also dance and swim too.

DH speaks another language and as you say, the children started to respond to him in English from the age of four or five and this has continued into adulthood, despite the fact that he never ever speaks English to them.

Creative thinking and imagination is developed during downtime. Children need time to get bored sometimes in order for this. And to rest time/enjoy free time. This sounds extreme to me too. A happy medium would include regular activities to stimulate body & mind, time with people to build social skills and relationships and some downtime for rest, recuperation of and mindful thinking- all alongside school/ learning of course. Like someone said upthread being alone also helps you to be content with being alone & in you’re own company- which is important.

This. Would you be happy if he slagged off your parenting online?

If she enjoys it, what's your problem? You don't even live with them.

When she goes to senior school, when us she going to have time to do homework? Some if these activities will have to stop then.

Are two weeks holiday with her family really two weeks of formal and planned activities? or the week with her grandparents and the other one with her mother´s family? She doesn´t have formal or planned activities on Sunday either.

I would keep an eye on whether the amount of extra-curriculars is sustainable due to the increased work load associated with senior school. And whether she still wants to do all these activities. I also wonder whether she was the one that brought up wanting to do four weeks of tennis (or whether that came from her DF)...

But we are discussing this girl´s private life based on the second hand knowledge of her DF´s girlfriend... I therefore find it really difficult to judge.

It is interesting to see the different perspectives offered by various mumsnetters. But this thread is ultimately rather theoretical.

They're not even married.

Ha I was just about to comment something similar.

This sounds like my childhood and the resulting rebellion was huge. I rarely speak to my mother now (though there are lots of other things at play too) and my siblings don't speak to her at all.

She'll have more than enough time.

I did a competitive sport (represented the UK internationally) all through my education. I got 12 GCSEs A/A, 4 As at A level, A 1st at University. During all that I trained 20+ hours a week in my chosen sport/the gym, held down a part time job and managed to socialise.

People on this thread seem to think children can't actually do well at school and have other things going on...baffling and quite sad.

Can of worms OP. If you start opining about how he's raising his kid, don't be surprised when he has opinions about how you're raising your son. He will have many and you probably won't like them. You obviously have very different parenting styles and I'm guessing you have that rule in place for a reason. You don't sound particularly blended in your living or financial situations so maybe just keep it light and enjoy each other company where you can.

Yes this is very noticeable.

If she's happy then I guess that's the main thing. However it doesn't sound like she gets to spend much time with her dad at all - and she's being sent to various places away all summer. Does he have some sort of trauma where it's painful to spend time with her?

It is striking to me that there is a "don't comment on the other's parenting" agreement but you describe her as a step-daughter and are obviously involved quite a bit in her life. I think if you are being asked to be involved in her life then you and her father should be able to have open discussion about how she is being raised. I would find it hard to be in that grey area of being part of her life but unable to comment or have input.

You sound very caring and it must be hard to watch. My DD, albeit a lot younger than her, would certainly not cope with that level of activity. We went away for 4 days this half term and it absolutely floored her - we've spent the rest of the week just catching up sleep and letting her play completely independently doing what she likes at home to re-set herself before school starts again. I think kids very much need unstructured time.

My DD would’ve loved it, she has to be active 24/7. I would’ve hated it, I crave down time and me time, even when I was a kid. I never needed to be on the go all the time it’s draining. So I think it depends on the child

YABU

Obviously losing her mum is one of the worst thing that can happen to a child, I am just putting things out of context in my reply.

She sounds like the perfect childhood, as long as she is not miserable playing tennis.

Most happy kids I know have packed schedule, they need to because they finish school ridiculously early, they are off at 3pm!

My own kids would struggle a bit with the drop off at 7:30am, they would prefer an 8 - or 8:30 drop off. Anything else sounds great frankly.

There's still plenty of time to make friends, meet friends, "have a childhood" because frankly that is what a real childhood looks like. Going on holiday with family IS having a holiday

I don't open my mouth, but I do feel so sad for the kids who do nothing, spend most days home after school, have maybe 1 or 2 clubs a week, do nothing at the weekend. Do you feel sad, or do you feel bad your own child has a more quiet lifestyle?

This is how my daughter was raised, in fact I’d say hers was a little more intense.
For everyone expecting a teen rebellion that never happened with DD.
She was the driving force for all her hobbies, was dancing 5 days a week by 10 (so a lot more than 4 hours a week). She got straight As at GCSE and A-Level.
She did summer camps and performing arts schools.
It doesn’t work for everyone but it does for some.

Is tennis camp for childcare during the hols? He won't be the only parent who only has 2 weeks AL during summer.

As she gets older there will be more options as she can be left home alone but right now clubs and grandparents seems a reasonable. Although it is busy it is similar for many children with parents who work full time. Ballet/Tennis/grandparents sounds better than after school club if that is her interest.

If dad is available but chooses to send her then i think it is a bit much.

Yes I would say this is quite a normal routine and structure for children in Asian and African cultures, so is the habit of staying at different relatives houses for holidays or support parenting. its distinctly 'British' to feel that this child is somehow victim to terrible parenting when in fact its likely to push her in her life and be positive for her development. Says it all about why often there is a 'too cool for school' type of attitude in this country