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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you charge your univeristy attending child rent...

122 replies

BlackStrayCat · 01/06/2024 09:19

... if they live at home?

Very wealthy STBXH is not a nice father.
His view is if DC wants to go to university (v. bright and will definitely go) she lives with me. (one hour train commute away, so doable)

Problem is; she eats alot and costs alot at 18. Would you charge (out of her fathers "maintenance" obviously) for "rent" (food). It is likely to be 400 pounds a month from her father. He will pay her directly to avoid me having anything. (If she didnt live with me this is absolutely understandable) but she WILL be living with me.

Uni costs covered by both and a government grant.

I feel a failure even asking this question but I will be stoney broke. I am also mainly sad for my DC that she has to live with me and not just get away and have fun. Hopefully by year two she will have friends and they can all flat share.

My question: AIBU to charge some type of "rent"?

TIA

OP posts:
NCA24 · 01/06/2024 09:21

I would now let her be dictated by her father. Let her study at uni and find a way to make the numbers work - including her working.

theeyeofdoe · 01/06/2024 09:25

Why can’t she live in halls at uni for a year? They finish A levels in June, so there’s plenty of time to work before she goes.

she doesn’t need to go to the one an hour away, she might not like the course (or might not get in).

Original poster
BlackStrayCat · 01/06/2024 09:30

It will be the one an hour away. Anything else would equal no university.
She works already. Gets around 150/month. That would be for her as it always has been. Thanks for your reponses!

I have to make most likely assumptions at this stage!

OP posts:
Original poster
BlackStrayCat · 01/06/2024 09:32

Ps Halls far too expensive and "home commutable" according to STBXH.

OP posts:
CandiedPrincess · 01/06/2024 09:36

My DD will be leaving at home for uni (mainly at her father's but she'll come and go here as she pleases) and I don't think either her father or me would think about charging her rent. Won't cost us anymore to feed her next year than it does now. We couldn't really make it work for her to go away to uni, and she didn't want to anyway, so this is our way of financially supporting her through.

MilliMollieMandi · 01/06/2024 09:39

I think you need to do your own research into universities/accommodation. She will receive a maintenence loan - not a grant. If you are going to offer her accommodation and this is going to be a problem then get a clear understanding of costs. Does she really eat a lot and cost a lot?

AngeloMysterioso · 01/06/2024 09:41

It will be the one an hour away. Anything else would equal no university.

Why?

Original poster
BlackStrayCat · 01/06/2024 09:42

Thank you @CandiedPrincess

Unfortunately she has absolutely no relationship whatsoever with her father. (court ordered also)
I am soley responsible for her. But not financially.
I should have made that clear, sorry. This is why I am in the conumdrum.

If she lives at home with just me, should I foot it all?

OP posts:
Catapultaway · 01/06/2024 09:42

I'm confused. Her father is going to be giving her £400 a month, or is it more?and you are asking if its reasonable to charge her that for rent?
It's not unreasonable if you cant afford to do it without it, she certainly wouldn't get anywhere cheaper. £400 seems a bit steep to me. But you'll know her living costs better than anyone on here.

Catapultaway · 01/06/2024 09:43

BlackStrayCat · 01/06/2024 09:42

Thank you @CandiedPrincess

Unfortunately she has absolutely no relationship whatsoever with her father. (court ordered also)
I am soley responsible for her. But not financially.
I should have made that clear, sorry. This is why I am in the conumdrum.

If she lives at home with just me, should I foot it all?

Are you sure he's still financially responsible for her now she is 18?

CandiedPrincess · 01/06/2024 09:43

BlackStrayCat · 01/06/2024 09:42

Thank you @CandiedPrincess

Unfortunately she has absolutely no relationship whatsoever with her father. (court ordered also)
I am soley responsible for her. But not financially.
I should have made that clear, sorry. This is why I am in the conumdrum.

If she lives at home with just me, should I foot it all?

It's your choice at the end of the day. I don't think there is a right or wrong but if it were me, and my DD was working hard at uni and at a job, I'd probably suck it up as much as I could but I'd expect her to help with stuff at home, and if I thought she was taking the piss I'd tell her!

Original poster
BlackStrayCat · 01/06/2024 09:45

Thank you all. No,no I would not charge her anything if possible. But I am thinking could I ask for a ffos contribution as "rent"?

@AngeloMysterioso any other university is simply too far=expensive. This is an excellent one for all the right reasons.

OP posts:
Original poster
BlackStrayCat · 01/06/2024 09:47

@CandiedPrincess I am responsible for her until 24 depending on level of education.

Yes, I agree with you entirely.
If I charged 100/month would that be mean?

Yes, she does eat constantly! I mean constantly!

OP posts:
2chocolateoranges · 01/06/2024 09:48

Personally I felt when ours started uni(both lived at home to go to uni as uni is 20 minutes drive away) then they were still in full time education, we just asked that they worked hard and got a part time job to help them financially.

we didn’t take any money until they started working full time.

However all families are different and if you are needing the money to live in your home then speak to your daughter and see what can be done.

Fatotter · 01/06/2024 09:48

You can pay for halls on a 0% credit card.

The first year in Halls was important to my DC and they have loved the experience. House-share arranged next year which is cheaper.

What are your DC’s dreams and goals?

Does she want to live in Halls for the first year?

wizarddry · 01/06/2024 09:49

If you don't want her living with you then fine. Say no.

This however is completely reasonable:

He will pay her directly to avoid me having anything. (If she didnt live with me this is absolutely understandable) but she WILL be living with me.

Maintenance has stopped. It's up to you and her to negotiate how much of what her dad gives her she gives you.

Original poster
BlackStrayCat · 01/06/2024 09:50

Catapultaway · 01/06/2024 09:42

I'm confused. Her father is going to be giving her £400 a month, or is it more?and you are asking if its reasonable to charge her that for rent?
It's not unreasonable if you cant afford to do it without it, she certainly wouldn't get anywhere cheaper. £400 seems a bit steep to me. But you'll know her living costs better than anyone on here.

Yes, he will give her 400/month.
I would never take all that. But, maybe 100? I just do not know what to do.
I wondered if others charged their DCs for living at home while at university?

OP posts:
wizarddry · 01/06/2024 09:51

You're muddying the waters with the ex.

This is a common discussion parents have to have with their uni age children if the children want to stay living with them as adults.

Mnetcurious · 01/06/2024 09:53

Lots of university students live away from home and get by on their loan and a part time job, without any parental contribution. She should be able to move away to study if that’s the best choice /course for her. Don’t let her learn that a man can make choices for her and control how she lives her life.

Original poster
BlackStrayCat · 01/06/2024 09:54

wizarddry · 01/06/2024 09:49

If you don't want her living with you then fine. Say no.

This however is completely reasonable:

He will pay her directly to avoid me having anything. (If she didnt live with me this is absolutely understandable) but she WILL be living with me.

Maintenance has stopped. It's up to you and her to negotiate how much of what her dad gives her she gives you.

You misunderstand! I totally want her living with me. I would do anything for her.

I also said, it is totally reasonable he pays her directly!

My question is "rent/contribution"

OP posts:
TheChosenTwo · 01/06/2024 09:55

No we don’t, she’s still in full time education and we can afford to support her. Second dc is not going to uni and will be looking to work full time shortly. At which point she will
be expected to make a reasonable contribution (which will be saved for her because we don’t need her contribution but no one gets to live for free and it’s a life lesson learning to budget after bills).

CandiedPrincess · 01/06/2024 09:56

I think if you are going to struggle @BlackStrayCat then £100 is not an unreasonable amount to ask as a contribution.

Original poster
BlackStrayCat · 01/06/2024 09:58

@wizarddry thanks! You made me feel better.I suppose I am just not used to this whole thing yet.

I will just talk it through but I am terrified of sounding unreasonable/mean.

OP posts:
TheStarOnTheChristmasTree · 01/06/2024 09:58

Not rent no but a contribution towards bills and food, yes of course I did, that's what maintenance loans are for

Elieza · 01/06/2024 09:58

"Ps Halls far too expensive and "home commutable" according to STBXH."

That translates to me as your ex thinks he'd get a cheaper deal if she stays at home with you. Or possibly that he will stop paying as you won't sue him the way halls would... ?

£400 seems a lot, so that's great. However is that to cover he travel to uni too as that could be dear if you can't ferry her there?

Are you contributing any finance too so to speak? I'd expect she costs around £400 in food / extra washing machine and cooker use. But no more 5"than that?

it seems like it's him that's paying for the majority for her? Great if that suits you both. I honestly think that's a good deal.