Do you charge your univeristy attending child rent...

[BlackStrayCat]

... if they live at home?

Very wealthy STBXH is not a nice father.
His view is if DC wants to go to university (v. bright and will definitely go) she lives with me. (one hour train commute away, so doable)

Problem is; she eats alot and costs alot at 18. Would you charge (out of her fathers "maintenance" obviously) for "rent" (food). It is likely to be 400 pounds a month from her father. He will pay her directly to avoid me having anything. (If she didnt live with me this is absolutely understandable) but she WILL be living with me.

Uni costs covered by both and a government grant.

I feel a failure even asking this question but I will be stoney broke. I am also mainly sad for my DC that she has to live with me and not just get away and have fun. Hopefully by year two she will have friends and they can all flat share.

My question: AIBU to charge some type of "rent"?

TIA

I think it's very reasonable for her to pay for her share of the food and a reasonable contribution towards gas/electric/water, all of which will cost more with 2 people.

You could suggest she buys her own food and you buy yours, but if you want to eat together you could split the costs.

Since she has some income from her father, it is quite acceptable that some of it goes on food/bills.

It is not reasonable that you are working and have less disposable income than her. It also teaches her to be responsible with money.

I understand that teens can eat loads. DS20 is soon coming home from uni for the summer. I can't wait to spend some time with him, but I know the food bills will go up dramatically.

If he gets a summer job, I might expect a contribution to cover his food costs, although not if he doesn't find a job or does an unpaid internship.

However, if he lived here all year while at uni with income from his father, I would expect some of that to go towards his food and utilities.

Why are you letting her dad control her? Let her break free. Even if that means she works for a year or so before university to save up to help with costs.

Encourage her to teach him that despite his wealth he doesn't own her.

@StormingNorman your post has actually made my cry. Really. Thank you have summed it up perfectly. I really had not thought about it in those terms but they are 100% correct. It has been keeping me up at night.

He really is trying to create a potential conflict/resentment between me and DD.

Thank you so much.

@kitchenhelprequired thank you again! Brilliant advice.

An hour commute at university is quite a long commute and is likely to affect the social side of university a fair amount for her.

Is that by public transport or can she drive and park there?

What about nights out with university friends?

@Netcam @CassandraWebb Very helpful and reassuring. Thank you.

I could not imagine charging a uni student rent unless there really was no alternative. Missing out on the halls experience will be detrimental. Very often more friendships are made in the halls than on the courses. Most people manage to make the figures work, even if it’s tough going. I really urge you to try to find a way to get her into halls.

I know. I am so concerned about all of this. I am hoping she can bring friends back here sometimes (I live in a "party" city nearish to university city) otherwise hoping for the flat share year two!

I agree and am so,so upset by it.
It is so horrible.

An hour is too far, and if you are stony broke she is likely to get enough maintenance grant to pay for accommodation and can use the £400 a month for food and living.

For those saying they wouldn’t charge a uni student rent that is exactly what the maintenance loan is for when you get it for living at home. Either the student buys their own food etc or they give an element towards the homeowner ie mum

I would like to thank everyone.

Votes are nearly 60/40.

I regret the situation. Very shortly indeed I will know likely scenario. This was what I was told as likely and, as you can imagine I am just trying to work everything out.

I am grateful for every single reply.

Then why don’t you say to her that she can go to whichever uni she wants and live in halls? As already pointed out, students can and do afford this using their maintenance loan and a part time job, without parental contributions. Stop letting her dad dictate, she can make her own decisions.

@BlackStrayCat

Whatever her reasons are, she is still choosing to live at home.
Try not to think of it in terms of 'charging her rent' but as another adult making a contribution to the household budget.

When my son was 18 I sat down with him and went through the household bills, I showed him what was coming in and what was going out. Though not luxurious we had a decent lifestyle. I made sure that he understood that if he wanted that standard to be maintained he would have to contribute otherwise there would need to be changes.
At 18 I lost a lot of income I had been receiving for him, and although I had planned for it, ie paying my mortgage off and increasing my work hours there was still a shortfall.
At this point he had decided to take a year out whilst he decided what he wanted to do. We agreed that he would contribute £300 and slowly start to take responsibility for his own smaller bills eg getting his hair cut, buying his lunch, sky sports. He was working and taking home over £1300 a month so could easily afford it, save and have spending money.
He is now at uni and fully financially independent. When he comes home for the summer he will be contributing the same £300 per month. I didn't even have to ask, he just told me that was what he was doing.
He also has to contribute to our family holiday, I pay for the holiday, he will pay for the food.
My son has had a job since he was 14. I've always encouraged him to understand that he needs to contribute to the household. When he was younger when we were on holiday he would be expected to pay for an ice cream, when he was older and earning more he would pay for fish and chips for one meal.

He is very prudent with his money, understands that life has to be paid for, that all the nice things come at a cost and that there isn't a magic money tree.

She wants to go to this university!

But thank you and yes, I agree and I am divorcing him precisely because of his dictatorship!

@crumblingschools @rattlertattler thank you for those comments.

Sit down with DD and look at cost to live and commute to university versus living in halls.

As others have said she'll get a maintenance loan, this might be around £4000 at the low end. With her job and dad's money she might want to live in Halls.

It might be a way to demonstrate how much it costs to live/feed herself and a safe way to start the conversation about paying for food at home.

Maybe you don't need to ask for rent but don't pay towards her commute/books.

Could you support her at home if you didn't have the outlay or trains/books etc? Her maintenance loan is for those costs.

I don’t get why he gets to decide where she goes to university? Especially if he doesn’t see her. Why are you allowing him to control her life?

my understanding is his income will not factor into her loans etc, it will be based on yours.

let her make her own decision about where she wants to go. She’s an adult. If he doesn’t support that tough? She goes anyway. Or don’t tell him, let him keep giving the £400, she can put it against rent. If he won’t pay? She gets a loan and/or a job.

it’s not going to cost him more if she doesn’t stay at home is it?

What StormingNorman said.

@Ted27 Thank you for taking the time to post that. I do feel better for reading it. It is a totally positive slant on things.
Thank you. Your son sounds lovely!

@BlueMum16 Also thank you. It is all true.

It is perfectly reasonable for you to ask her to contribute to the household budget. My adult son is shortly returning from overseas. In the time he has been away we have retired and I have already had the conversation that as an adult in his 20s, he will be expected to contribute to our household expenses. You are not charging her rent, but you cannot afford to fully fund another adult who has money coming in.

If her dad is very wealthy, why does your daughter need a loan?

@BlackStrayCat there's a Facebook group and website called What I Wish I Knew About University (WIWIKAU) that I would recommend you joining. It's a wealth of information on all things uni with input from people of all walks of life.

He has hidden it, offshore.

Presumably because as she is now an adult and no longer in secondary education he is not obliged to pay.

No I wouldn't charge her rent.

Exactly. He looks extremely generous as it is to the court.

He most certainly is not. In any way whatsoever.