Do you charge your univeristy attending child rent...

[BlackStrayCat]

... if they live at home?

Very wealthy STBXH is not a nice father.
His view is if DC wants to go to university (v. bright and will definitely go) she lives with me. (one hour train commute away, so doable)

Problem is; she eats alot and costs alot at 18. Would you charge (out of her fathers "maintenance" obviously) for "rent" (food). It is likely to be 400 pounds a month from her father. He will pay her directly to avoid me having anything. (If she didnt live with me this is absolutely understandable) but she WILL be living with me.

Uni costs covered by both and a government grant.

I feel a failure even asking this question but I will be stoney broke. I am also mainly sad for my DC that she has to live with me and not just get away and have fun. Hopefully by year two she will have friends and they can all flat share.

My question: AIBU to charge some type of "rent"?

TIA

What does she want to do? Sounds like you're doing all the deciding for her and that's not healthy

Why can't she get a student loan and live in halls like everyone else? Then the £400 from her father would cover her food and other bills, and the wags from her job is her fun money.

@TheStarOnTheChristmasTree thank you so much. How much did you ask for contribution wise?

I was thinking maybe 100 a month?

If you would be financially worse off then yes I would ask for rent. I’m assuming you’ve been getting child benefit up to this point?

Is she getting the maintenance grant too? I know this is at a reduced rate as living at home but would be based on a contribution for food and bills at home.

Is it your ex who has stipulated which uni she goes to?

If she's getting £400 a month plus a full maintenance loan then absolutely - she'll be loaded!

I live in a low income area. Young people have to work while in UNI (and before). They usually buy their own food and toiletries. She's old enough to get involved in planning a household budget. £400 a month is a lot of disposable income (plus student finance). Make notes in your phone around shopping costs. Have a clear plan and start discussions with her. Just to add, my youngest really enjoyed being able to decide her own meal plans and also treating me to a take a way.

I'm a single parent on a low income. My oldest son is at uni in a town about an hour away from us.

He lives in that town in term time and pays for everything himself from his loan and part time work. (I occasionally buy him a big bag of rice or pasta but apart from that he's completely self-sufficient.)

I do think it's important that he lives close to the uni, to be part of the community and have easy access to all the resources. I think being an hour away is just too far, makes it much harder to join societies or take part in social life, or to pop into the library any time.

He could have stayed at home and gone to the uni up the road, but I think being away has been really good for him.

My DD paid £200 per month, she got the full maintenance loan and worked too so she still had over £1000 per month for herself

She will have £400 from her father and £150 from her job so £550 a month. I think her contributing £100 a month is reasonable. Every household is different. We didn't charge our university attending DC rent but they eat very little. If it had been DC3 it would have been a different story because they eat nonstop, nothing was safe. They postponed going to college and started working so contributed. I am sure that due to your marriage separation finances have taken a big hit so needs must.

I don’t understand why a different I would be too expensive. Most students get full loans and stay in hols. Fair enough if she doesn’t want to but it should at least be an option.

I don't really understand.
If she is going to uni and living with you then she is entitled to a maintenance loan. It's means tested and it will be on your wages as she is livi g at your address. Even if you are over the threshold, she will still get a minimum amount and her tuition loan. Has she applied for this?

I cant thank you all enough.
I feel so much better and I think I will ask for 100/pcm.

(All train uni books etc paid for by both)

Otherwise frankly, I have realised thanks to some posters, she will havemuch more disposable income than me!

She is very keen to live at home. Second year when she has firends would like to/am strongly suggesting, live in a flat share.

Thank you so much everyone. I was having a crisis as about to be divorced and it has all been a bit much (for me and DD)
Thank you.

She is very keen to live at home. Second year when she has firends would like to/am strongly suggesting, live in a flat share.

Mine is planning to do that @BlackStrayCat

I had no idea. I am jumping the gun a bit as it is only 1 June. Thank you... I will get straight on to this. I am definitely below the threshold of anything!

Thank you.

@HorticusGreen she will get tuition fees paid.
So that is sorted.

No I think this is very mean!

You’re responsible for your income not your DD! I could not take it from her money that’s so unfair

We didn't but then we weren't in your position.

If I were you, I would most certainly ask for rent/contribution towards household costs - however you prefer to phrase it.

@Glitterybee thank you.

Life is not fair. Is it fair that the OP should be out of pocket for a child who is now legally an adult?

I'm struggling to understand. Is the money from STBXH court ordered and if so are there any conditions? He can't decide she can only go to university if she lives at home and commutes an hour away. If she's living with you what's your income level? The maintenance loan will be based on the income of the household she lives in either you solo or you + partner if you live with someone else. Is the issue that you earn too much by government standards and would need to top up the maintenance loan significantly and can't afford to do that so she really needs to live at home? At a minimum she'll be entitled to the £4.5k ish minimum maintenance loan. All that aside if you're going to really struggle with her living at home whilst at uni it's perfectly reasonable to ask her to contribute to the direct costs of her being there.

@GentlemanJohnny
Thank you. Thats kind. Ideally obviously I would like to ask for nothing. I feel horrible!

@kitchenhelprequired this is very helpful. I really am not able to say much but this is truly helpful.

I think it would be fine. The maintenance money is for food and lodgings. You are providing food and lodgings, so some of it goes to you.

However, it’s sad to hear that she wants to live away but can’t afford to. If a flat share could be possible in 2nd year, it’s worth considering this year, even with strangers. She’ll find it easier to make friends if she’s living away at uni.

@BlackStrayCat have a look at the income levels for maintenance loans for a better idea of what loan she is entitled to. It sounds like the STBXH has been laying down the law on what DD can and can't do. Start again - what does she want to study, where is that course available, what maintenance loan is she entitled to? If living at home and attending uni locally is still the best option then great but don't let her be bullied into something that someone else has decided is acceptable.

I think you are getting a bit of a hard time @BlackStrayCat

Your daughter living at home means your outgoings remain the same. Your ex is reducing your incomings by £400pm. You will be £400 per month worse off whilst still having the same expenditure. The only way to make your books balance is to ask your daughter for the contribution.

In the situation your ex proposed, the reality is he is not giving her £400pm for university. You are because he is expecting you to make up the shortfall. University is an extra cost, not an instead of cost and she is still a dependent of both of you.

STBEX is at best stupid and at worst a devious twat who knows exactly what he is stirring up for you and DD.