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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take my child to an ivf appointment

115 replies

Itsgivingmehvibes · 31/05/2024 15:01

It took nine years, lots of heartache and treatments to conceive Dd, 5 years ago. We now have an appointment to try with our remaining frozen embryo. I haven’t been to the clinic for almost 6 years. We have to go as a couple for the first appointment at least and have no one to sit Dd for that amount of time (we live abroad, no parents here, the clinic is an almost 3 hour drive etc) so Dd has to come with us.
I vividly remember feeling quite upset the one time I saw another child in the waiting room at the clinic, in all the other times I’d never seen another couples baby/child with them. I remember thinking it was insensitive of them to bring a baby/child there, when the majority of people there were struggling to conceive one child. It seems unfair and quite ridiculous of me to think that now, but I was obviously in a v sad place as many are. I want to be mindful of others, should I organise for Dd not to come somehow? Also, what should we say to Dd (if anything) about the clinic? I mean she was conceived there! We’ve never spoken about this or made a big deal and will just say to her she was conceived via ivf when she’s older.

OP posts:
Fiftyfivegrapes · 31/05/2024 15:03

My ivf clinic encourage it and they keep an eye on my 4 year old when Ive had scans etc ! Each time I’ve been there’s been someone popping in with their baby and thanking them etc

Original poster
Itsgivingmehvibes · 31/05/2024 15:05

@Fiftyfivegrapes Oh gosh, really? I don’t remember that sort of thing at all when I used to go. It would be nice for them to see her and one of their *Success stories I think, I just think it would be awkward and maybe not right for the other people sat around waiting. I just remember the way I felt, but maybe that’s just me

OP posts:
Chocolateorange22 · 31/05/2024 15:05

Personally I'd ring the clinic and ask if there was somewhere you could sit whilst waiting to be called in. When I had a MMC the EPU waiting room had a separate room for ladies with children to sit in as it was obviously a sensitive situation. At the time I was grateful as they were losses before my DC.

YellowHairband · 31/05/2024 15:06

I vividly remember feeling quite upset the one time I saw another child

I think that answers your question tbh.

Fiftyfivegrapes · 31/05/2024 15:06

I was quite surprised as I was trying to schedule appts around nursery times and they said don’t worry just bring her it’s fine !

Original poster
Itsgivingmehvibes · 31/05/2024 15:08

@YellowHairband Yes, I wondered if that was more me though as I was in a very bad place and am very sensitive.
I just don’t know practically how we could leave Dd from early morning to late afternoon.
The only other option is I go into the appointment alone and Dd waits in the car with Dh or we do a swap

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsgivingmehvibes · 31/05/2024 15:09

@Chocolateorange22 Yes, I could do that, I don’t remember extra rooms, only the medical & procedure rooms and the room for the men to do their part. It was just a small waiting room
I’m wondering if we can try to just rush right into the Drs room and out

OP posts:
Wherewithout · 31/05/2024 15:10

YellowHairband · 31/05/2024 15:06

I vividly remember feeling quite upset the one time I saw another child

I think that answers your question tbh.

I agree with this - I think how you felt when you saw another child there is a very normal way to feel. I had IVF as well and remember being very upset when I saw a couple in the waiting room with their child and being surprised that they allowed children in there.

Original poster
Itsgivingmehvibes · 31/05/2024 15:11

@Fiftyfivegrapes Yes, I don’t think there’s any rule on them not being allowed and I saw that child that one time, I just feel a bit strange bringing her in, it’s a whole different situation this time but still brings back memories, it’s strange.

OP posts:
KimberleyClark · 31/05/2024 15:12

When I was having IVF in the 90s it was usual for the fertility clinic walls to be covered in baby photos and thank you cards. Not easy to see when you are one of the unlucky ones.

WithACatLikeTread · 31/05/2024 15:12

Can your partner look after her? I did all my siblings rounds by myself including transfer as we had no family nearby and he looked after my eldest. I don't think it is a good idea to take your DD in with you.

ZipZapZoom · 31/05/2024 15:14

I wouldn't take her. You admit yourself you felt sad when the situation was reversed and also she's not a tiny child so she will understand what is being said at the appointment. Not to mention you'll probably spend a large amount of the appointment trying to distract her so you won't actually be able to concentrate properly. Is there no childcare options or friends she could go to for a playdate for the day?

WithACatLikeTread · 31/05/2024 15:14

Actually see if they can see you separately one after the other. In most clinics children are not encouraged to come along.

Phantasmagorically · 31/05/2024 15:15

I remember thinking it was insensitive of them to bring a baby/child there, when the majority of people there were struggling to conceive one child. It seems unfair and quite ridiculous of me to think that now, but I was obviously in a v sad place as many are.

It doesn't seem at all ridiculous to me that you felt this way. And it wouldn't seem ridiculous to me if other people found your child's presence a bit upsetting too.

BirthdayRainbow · 31/05/2024 15:17

When I worked as an emergency nanny this is the sort of situation I would have covered. Is that a possibility?

amijustbeingsuspicious · 31/05/2024 15:20

Itsgivingmehvibes · 31/05/2024 15:08

@YellowHairband Yes, I wondered if that was more me though as I was in a very bad place and am very sensitive.
I just don’t know practically how we could leave Dd from early morning to late afternoon.
The only other option is I go into the appointment alone and Dd waits in the car with Dh or we do a swap

I would assume most women at an IVF clinic are in a sad and sensitive place

PrincessHoneysuckle · 31/05/2024 15:21

Don't do ut it's not fair on the women there desperate to concieve

Original poster
Itsgivingmehvibes · 31/05/2024 15:23

I went to the vast majority of the previous appointments alone (before Dd came along) I’d get two separate trains for total 3 hour journey, then walk from the station and the same back. I did all transfers alone, just not retrievals as I was a bit woozy afterwards. I’m fine going alone, I just think this initial first appointment again to restart it all may require Dh to be there and sign things etc, I’m not sure. We can do a swap then in that case and he can wait with Dd in the car.
It would be easier without her there and she’s very lively, so would be harder to concentrate.
Part of me would love the Drs and staff to meet her though, we went for so many years, it feels quite emotional, but I realise that might seem quite selfish

OP posts:
WithACatLikeTread · 31/05/2024 15:25

Itsgivingmehvibes · 31/05/2024 15:23

I went to the vast majority of the previous appointments alone (before Dd came along) I’d get two separate trains for total 3 hour journey, then walk from the station and the same back. I did all transfers alone, just not retrievals as I was a bit woozy afterwards. I’m fine going alone, I just think this initial first appointment again to restart it all may require Dh to be there and sign things etc, I’m not sure. We can do a swap then in that case and he can wait with Dd in the car.
It would be easier without her there and she’s very lively, so would be harder to concentrate.
Part of me would love the Drs and staff to meet her though, we went for so many years, it feels quite emotional, but I realise that might seem quite selfish

If I remember we weren't required to be together at the clinic but that was just after covid. I don't think they really need both there unless for consents but you could do that separately.

IVFveteran · 31/05/2024 15:25

Don't take her if you can avoid it. There must be somewhere else she can go whilst you have your appointment.

IVFveteran · 31/05/2024 15:27

Itsgivingmehvibes · 31/05/2024 15:23

I went to the vast majority of the previous appointments alone (before Dd came along) I’d get two separate trains for total 3 hour journey, then walk from the station and the same back. I did all transfers alone, just not retrievals as I was a bit woozy afterwards. I’m fine going alone, I just think this initial first appointment again to restart it all may require Dh to be there and sign things etc, I’m not sure. We can do a swap then in that case and he can wait with Dd in the car.
It would be easier without her there and she’s very lively, so would be harder to concentrate.
Part of me would love the Drs and staff to meet her though, we went for so many years, it feels quite emotional, but I realise that might seem quite selfish

You are right, it is selfish. If you want to tell the clinic about your daughter, send them an email with a photo. Don't go marching her through a waiting room filled with people who are struggling to conceive a child.

MuttonStew · 31/05/2024 15:27

Itsgivingmehvibes · 31/05/2024 15:23

I went to the vast majority of the previous appointments alone (before Dd came along) I’d get two separate trains for total 3 hour journey, then walk from the station and the same back. I did all transfers alone, just not retrievals as I was a bit woozy afterwards. I’m fine going alone, I just think this initial first appointment again to restart it all may require Dh to be there and sign things etc, I’m not sure. We can do a swap then in that case and he can wait with Dd in the car.
It would be easier without her there and she’s very lively, so would be harder to concentrate.
Part of me would love the Drs and staff to meet her though, we went for so many years, it feels quite emotional, but I realise that might seem quite selfish

Frankly, the doctors don't care to meet your child. Show them a photo.

The other women will care.

Moveoverdarlin · 31/05/2024 15:30

My IVF clinic did not like children coming in, they actively discourage it. One appointment I had was in heavy snow and the boiler at nursery packed up and it had to shut unexpectedly. I had no alternative but to take my 2 yr old to an appointment. As soon as we got there, they ushered us in to another room so we didn’t have to wait in the waiting room with everyone else.

IgnoranceNotOk · 31/05/2024 15:37

We had IVF for DS1 and I remember hating that everyone seemed to fall pregnant and have babies exactly when we found out we couldn’t naturally!

However I never felt like that at the clinic - it was reassuring to see the kids and all the photos of it working.

Take her with you and explain that you needed help from the drs to make her. My son knows all about it - I’m in no way seeing it as a taboo thing and whenever y6 do sex Ed at my school I take all the questions and I’m happily to be totally honest about it. I’ve also got a girl in my class this year, who’s told me her mum had IVF to have them so it’s been nice to say I did the same so she knows it’s amazing and she must have been so wanted!

JoleneTookHerMan · 31/05/2024 15:41

I remember sitting waiting for my first appointment and seeing a new mum bring her baby in after successfully having the baby through IVF. It gave me hope despite my anxiety of starting the process.

When I then had my own DD, the clinic encouraged me to pop in with her to say hello and meet her which I did.

We tried for 6 years before having her and I know how hard it is when you see babies and children around you but at same time, you can't hide from children in everyday life and yes someone might feel upset seeing your daughter but equally, someone might also feel optimistic seeing her.

Take your daughter with you.

Good luck. X