To take my child to an ivf appointment

[Itsgivingmehvibes]

It took nine years, lots of heartache and treatments to conceive Dd, 5 years ago. We now have an appointment to try with our remaining frozen embryo. I haven’t been to the clinic for almost 6 years. We have to go as a couple for the first appointment at least and have no one to sit Dd for that amount of time (we live abroad, no parents here, the clinic is an almost 3 hour drive etc) so Dd has to come with us.
I vividly remember feeling quite upset the one time I saw another child in the waiting room at the clinic, in all the other times I’d never seen another couples baby/child with them. I remember thinking it was insensitive of them to bring a baby/child there, when the majority of people there were struggling to conceive one child. It seems unfair and quite ridiculous of me to think that now, but I was obviously in a v sad place as many are. I want to be mindful of others, should I organise for Dd not to come somehow? Also, what should we say to Dd (if anything) about the clinic? I mean she was conceived there! We’ve never spoken about this or made a big deal and will just say to her she was conceived via ivf when she’s older.

Thank you, and to you

I was in your almost exact situation. Personally I disliked there being children around, though there always were. In my case though, the clinic was part of a larger hospital and there were many other different specialities with adjacent waiting rooms so there would've been children around anyway, and their policy was children are fine in the corridor in the waiting rooms, and in the consultation room for small kids only for the initial appointment, not for any treatment. It came in handy when we went back again and had no childcare and a long drive. But apart from the appointment we both had to be at at the same time one of us took him to a nearby park instead to avoid having him there.

I agree with others you answered the question yourself. Some people waiting would be pleased, some won't care, some may find it upsetting especially if there appointment is for bad news. The risk of upsetting a few would be enough for me to take the option you set out.

The two clinics I used didn't allow children

Guess as rubs peoples noses in it esp those who have failures

Plus people don't always listen and concentrate to what the ivf clinics say if keeping an eye on their child

Just take her. You can’t help what the other people who may or may not be there, may or may not feel.

I hated seeing kids in the clinic when I was going through treatment, until I managed to have DS1. When I was back at the clinic for subsequent cycles I tried to avoid taking DS1 with me, but once or twice it was unavoidable (single parent, no family nearby) .

OP I’d do whatever you can to avoid bringing your child into the clinic, but if it has to be done then so be it.

I think if you remember being vividly upset by seeing children at the IVF clinic, it would be unfair to do that to other women.

I've had 3 failed IVF attempts, loss of pregnancies and many many other procedures so I've been there and agree seeing women with children is hurtful even if it is unreasonable or sensitive. I think if I were lucky enough to have a child I wouldn't put others through that.

It’s very kind of you to be sensitive to other people but needs must. I took DC to my appointments when I had to, the staff were fine about it and yes, the treatment room walls had thank you cards with baby photos pinned up. As soon as patients step outside the clinic they’re bound to see a child sooner or later, why should you pretend your longed-for one doesn’t exist within the clinic?! As you say, it can offer hope that treatment does work. Good luck with your next round x

I feel like you now consider your previous reaction ridiculous because you managed to conceive. You’re not in the same position as many of the women in the waiting area will be, anymore, and you’ve lost sight of what it felt like.

I was in a hospital which had a joint waiting room for the maternity patients and the gynaecological oncology patients, and it was awful. Sitting there, having had my reproductive organs removed, waiting to find out if I had cancer and surrounded by bumps and babies and toddlers. I’ve never forgotten how I felt about that organisational choice.

Taking your child in to meet the doctors, knowing that you’re possibly making everyone in the waiting room feel like you did? Yeah, it’s pretty selfish IMHO.

@fitzwilliamdarcy Thats very unfair, I’ll never forget the years and years of what I went through and was also placed next to a maternity ward after I had my emergency ectopic and they removed my tubes. I felt it all and understand it all and will never forget..any of it

This. You felt like you did at the time as you hadn’t been successful and it seems ridiculous now because you have a child. I personally don’t think it’s very fair to take children to IVF clinics, even if they say it’s ok, speaking as someone that has several miscarriages and several rounds of ivf. Best of luck with your next round.

The fact you're even considering taking your child shows how removed you are from your previous (childless) self.

It's not unfair to state that, it's the truth.

@EagleEyeRock Ok

I think you have to be so sensitive to the feelings of the women in the waiting room. I remember going for my first early scan post IVF and I really forced myself to not look happy when I came out, as there was another couple who were looking devastated. I think those places need to be as quiet and respectful as possible as there can be so much pain and loss in the room.

Good luck with it all.

I would ring and ask but ideally not take my child in. Good luck

Agreed.

If the IVF does end up working out this time then you will have to work out some kind of childcare support. I’m assuming in the country you’re in you won’t be able to take your child to scans / antenatal classes / giving birth etc

For YOU it's a whole different situation this time. For the other sensitive, anxious, upset individuals in the waiting room it's not. It's the exact same upset, burning, hurting, upset that you felt the first time round.

I'm going through ivf end of year, I personally wouldn't mind. However, we are at the first stage where we aren't desperate and in despair. A year or so later if we had no joy I'd probably rather not see kids in the waiting room.

I think I'd be less bothered by kids though than babies. Kids don't tend to make me broody, babies and toddlers do.

@FarmGirl78 Im sorry, how do you know it’s not for me now? You have no idea how I feel and how it will always be part of me for all the years I was unhappy. I’m much older now and have one more chance I can’t do more cycles it’s highly unlikely to work and brings up a lot of feelings, it never goes away

I never said you wouldn't feel those things this time round!!

It was YOU would said it was a whole different situation this time round. I simply reminded you that for those individuals in the waiting room, for them it's their FIRST time feeling the feelings you felt last time. They'll be feeling the exact same feelings you felt the first time. I never said you wouldn't also feel them.

And I am another one echoing this sentiment.

I also remember a noticeably pregnant nurse who was absolutely lovely but I absolutely hated her.

I remember trying so hard not to be upset by all the large canvas prints of babies along the corridors of the clinic we went to. My head knew they were trying to convey optimism about the outcome, but it was raw because we knew our chances were so slim. It would have cut me to the bone if there had actually been a pregnant lady or someone with a child in there.

I know that is really unreasonable, but emotions are running so high and so wild when you're on the infertility journey that I think it is also completely understandable.

It's very unusual for ivf clinics to allow children in waiting rooms. Personally I couldn't take my dc in; just doesn't seem fair. I was at an appt at a fertility clinic that mainly specialised in recurrent miscarriage and the receptionist had to run in for something with her 4 year old and she was so apologetic about it bless her. There were times in my many years of treatment when I wouldn't have minded seeing a baby or child and other times where it would have felt like being punched in the gut. Can your dh join by video call and electronically sign? Some clinics have switched to video appts after covid. Pre covid I remember one clinic being very clear dh had to come to sign something but after covid things changed a bit.

You sound fun.

Op you don't actually have any choice but to take her, and if they have to wait for you to go out to the car and DH to come in possibly several times,it's likely to make the appt run late.
Call the clinic and take their advice. See if there's time to keep swapping over etc or if they have a quiet room you can wait in

No IVF experience but I can honestly say the doctors and nurses who helped save DSs life Def ARE interested, have loved the random opportunities when we've seen them and they've had their "Wow" moment etc. It's only on MN that no one cares about anything but themselves and their tiny isolated world