To take my child to an ivf appointment

[Itsgivingmehvibes]

It took nine years, lots of heartache and treatments to conceive Dd, 5 years ago. We now have an appointment to try with our remaining frozen embryo. I haven’t been to the clinic for almost 6 years. We have to go as a couple for the first appointment at least and have no one to sit Dd for that amount of time (we live abroad, no parents here, the clinic is an almost 3 hour drive etc) so Dd has to come with us.
I vividly remember feeling quite upset the one time I saw another child in the waiting room at the clinic, in all the other times I’d never seen another couples baby/child with them. I remember thinking it was insensitive of them to bring a baby/child there, when the majority of people there were struggling to conceive one child. It seems unfair and quite ridiculous of me to think that now, but I was obviously in a v sad place as many are. I want to be mindful of others, should I organise for Dd not to come somehow? Also, what should we say to Dd (if anything) about the clinic? I mean she was conceived there! We’ve never spoken about this or made a big deal and will just say to her she was conceived via ivf when she’s older.

@EagleEyeRock No not at all defensive with the people advising not to, I’ve said the same myself, that I will keep her in the car with Dh. Some of the reply are very bitchy though and uncalled for, I’m making the post because I was exactly that person and still have sensitivities about it all too. I have no family here to watch her, it’s a very long drive and a long day. She will wait in the car with Dh

*Replies

@WithOneLook Thats really nice, I would hope they’d be pleased too, but maybe as other posters say they really wouldn’t give a crap and no one cares about others kids. I felt they were with it in the journey with me, which probably sounds ridiculous, I’d like to think they are pleased when they have a success story, especially when the odds were so very low and it was years and years of everything going wrong

@IgnoranceNotOk That’s really nice, I’d like to think it’s not a completely cold journey, where they’re not invested at all

That can't have been nice

@WithOneLook that's nice that they welcomed your dc. I doubt they'd be disappointed if you just showed a photo or video on you phone instead, though.

Personally, I don’t think it would be insensitive. A baby, maybe, but not a 5 yo. Obviously I’m speaking for myself and not for other women.

Having said that, I don’t think an IVF (or any medical appointment) is a suitable place to bring a child

@MuttonStew Theyre not random Drs though, we were with them for years and years, it’s actually more personal than that

@WithOneLook Thank you 💓

I’m sorry but I think it would be an awful thing to do and really insensitive

@Lolabear38 Its really hard, it’s such a long day with journey times that we can’t afford to pay a nanny for that long really
The other appointments I can go to alone, annoying it’s just so far to travel

I have a daughter through IVF who just turned three and have done numerous rounds (and lots of losses) to try for a sibling. To be honest, in your position my main concern would be the fact that your daughter is likely to understand at least some of what is said and some of the context and may think that a baby sibling is a done deal. I know from your own history you won't need me to tell you that isn't always the case.

For appointments I have usually done them alone and DH has stayed with DD in the car if needed. You could go in alone and have DH on the phone on speaker - I've done that before.

My other thought is will you not need a scan at this appointment? Ive only seen kids at my clinic a couple of times but only in the waiting room, they've never been able to go into the scan room because the clinics guidance is the same as most hospitals - the scan / consultation room isn't an appropriate space for children.

If it is just a consultation to chat and no scan will they not do a video call instead? That way no childcare needed.

Apologies if you've already considered these things. I really hope your road to a sibling for your daughter is a smooth one.

They're doing a job, albeit probably a fulfilling one. You don't need to bring your child in to share your success.

When I was part way through an IVF cycle and it got cancelled because my ovaries were not responding to the medication I remember going out to my car and seeing a couple walking in with their baby and it was the straw that broke me.

It's an awkward one. At one of my recent IVF appointments a lady had a toddler. I did feel a tiny bit upset but at the same time she was trying to keep her toddler close to her, distracted them by pointing at things out the window and keeping them quiet .. so not running around everywhere in people's faces. I just thought she's trying her best really and obviously didn't have anyone to look after them.

Having said that there's been days where I've been sat in the waiting room so unbelievably pumped full of hormones that the songs on the clinic radio (classic FM) were making me cry. So even if the other ladies in the waiting room are not that bothered, they may just be having a bad day, feeling hormonal and sensitive and it could sadly be a trigger.

I wish you luck with the transfer whatever you decide to do

Don’t take her, you said yourself it was upsetting seeing children there. I remember seeing a baby in the waiting room at my clinic and you could see all the other women looked so uncomfortable.

@Eggling Thank you, I hope it is successful/hS been successful for your second.
To be honest I’m not sure what to expect? It has been such a long time since I’ve been there, I’m very nervous about being there and doing the whole thing again, it’s bringing up a lot of feelings. Do you know what happens on the first appointment to start the whole thing again?
We have one frozen embryo left and this will be our first appointment back about it all again, think I’ve blocked out a lot of the procedure from before, so no idea what will happen? Will I have an internal on my first day? What would be the purpose of that, will they need my Dh there, I assumed that they definitely would because it was beginning the procedure again

It’s true I hadn’t actually considered much what Dd may hear and take in

@twoforwardandtwoback So sorry, I remember feeling similar

Not sure a video/photo would have given them much insight into the type of relationship I had with my child. I mean IVF is not a quick process, especially for those of us who struggle so in a decent clinic the staff really get on board, know your journey etc. or maybe I just got really and have an awesome clinic (I DO have an awesome clinic for who I will be forever grateful).

My clinic specifically didn't allow children and I'm surprised some do! I'd have been extremely upset if there had been children in the waiting room when we went for our appointments. Personally I'd never take my little one along

@Itsgivingmehvibes unfortunately we are two years, three retrievals, five transfers and three miscarriages into the sibling round but hoping that our luck changes very soon.

My first appointment to get started again I literally just spoke things through with the consultant, I think I possibly had a scan to check all looked well (c section with my DD). DH didn't come to that one. To be perfectly honest, he's not been "required" for any except the egg collections when obviously he has a role to play, even the FETs I have often done alone although he does try to come to them. I guess he might need to sign some forms, though our clinic do that online.

What ours usually does for FET cycles is the initial consultation to talk through the plan, a chat with the nurse about the meds then potentially a baseline scan at day 2 of the cycle. Then scan again day 8/9 to see how things are going, maybe scan again a couple of days later then set the date for the transfer.

Given the journey you need to make I'd honestly ring and ask them if you can do the initial consultation via video call, I've done loads of my consultations like that and I'm only 15 minutes from the clinic!

My daughter is starting to understand a bit that mummy is going to see the doctor though she doesn't know why, she would love a baby sibling and honestly protecting her is the hardest part of the whole process. I truly wish you a smooth journey to number 2.

When I had ivf there were photos of babies in the corridor. I wouldn't have thought twice about seeing a 4 year old or baby. It's not as if I could've avoided them in real life anyway plus I would've been too wrapped up in my own head to notice much. Take her if you need to and the clinic allows.

@Eggling Its so so hard, wishing you so much success, I really hope you get a sibling for your Dd 🙏

If you can organise some other card for DD, do so -- for your own sake as much as anything; you can't expect to take her everywhere and it's time to have some backup. But if you can't get something in place in time for this particular clinic meeting, don't feel bad. Remember, however sad those of us with infertility can feel at the sight of other families, it's the infertility, not someone else's child, that is the problem.

Our local fertility clinic also does early private scans for pregnant women. It's pretty horrible seeing some couples come outside bursting into tears and others coming out all excited and clutching their scan pictures.

Could you drive together, do your appointments separately one after the other and take it in turns to have DD?