To take my child to an ivf appointment

[Itsgivingmehvibes]

It took nine years, lots of heartache and treatments to conceive Dd, 5 years ago. We now have an appointment to try with our remaining frozen embryo. I haven’t been to the clinic for almost 6 years. We have to go as a couple for the first appointment at least and have no one to sit Dd for that amount of time (we live abroad, no parents here, the clinic is an almost 3 hour drive etc) so Dd has to come with us.
I vividly remember feeling quite upset the one time I saw another child in the waiting room at the clinic, in all the other times I’d never seen another couples baby/child with them. I remember thinking it was insensitive of them to bring a baby/child there, when the majority of people there were struggling to conceive one child. It seems unfair and quite ridiculous of me to think that now, but I was obviously in a v sad place as many are. I want to be mindful of others, should I organise for Dd not to come somehow? Also, what should we say to Dd (if anything) about the clinic? I mean she was conceived there! We’ve never spoken about this or made a big deal and will just say to her she was conceived via ivf when she’s older.

I guess many, as did I, might regard the clinic as a safe place away from children?

I didn't take DS, Dh and I took turns and whoever was minding first waited for a phone call and we swapped up the road out of view. It just didn't feel appropriate. Plus DS was loud and boisterous so waiting rooms were tricky anywhere

Yes I can understand that, but I also remember their being thank you cards and photos on the walls of babies born after successful IVF treatments.

@JoleneTookHerMan My friend said the same and that it gave her hope to hear it had worked for others at the clinic she was at, for me it made me feel worse, but I can see how it could be both ways.

The clinic I attend doesn't allow children. Maybe check if there's a policy listed on their website.

@IVFveteran I wouldn’t be marching her through at all, I think that’s obvious from my posts and my background. It’s not an easy situation for anyone.

@MuttonStew Harsh.

I would like to think they would be a tiny bit interested/please for a brief minute, I was there for years and this is their life work after all, as a Dr I would be happy and not not care to meet a child I’d played a part in creating.

@RitaFires They allow children

Easier to ignore that than a real life baby.

Yes, I wondered if that was more me though as I was in a very bad place and am very sensitive

Feelings which other people in the waiting room when you're there with your child, may also be feeling

I think it’s inappropriate and insensitive. I say this as someone who has had a few rounds of IVF and been to a fair few clinics

@Kinneddar Yes, hence the post. I can see now it wasn’t just me who felt like this.
Dh will wait in the car and we will change over looking after Dd if they need to speak to him/have him sign for the process.

@TruthorDie Yes, same.

I thought parents were well aware by now that no one is particularly interested in their kids. Bringing kids to a place of work is just annoying and very 'look at me and my super special kiddo'.

Some of the staff may not even particularly like children, just have a professional interest in infertility.

@stepfordblanket Wow. Ok.

And some do - the urology team at the hospital in London wanted a photo of DS1 after our IVF as they wanted to have it up as they felt they had a part in improving DH’s sperm to enable IVF to work and then when he had a follow up months later they asked us to bring him with us and loved seeing him,

So sometimes the professionals who don’t always see their results really are pleased to see the difference their work has made.

I would definitely avoid taking her.

You said yourself, in the same situation you were upset when someone else did it - just because you now have a child you suddenly care less about upsetting someone else?

I'd hope it would be fairly obvious that it would be inappropriate and insensitive.

Can your husband wait outside with the child and you then swap? I was like you, very sensitive to things like that, especially sitting in the clinic. I think it would be the kind thing to do. Remember how you felt, and that these women also don't know if they'll EVER have a baby of their own.

Also, good luck with your frozen cycle, just wanted to let you know that we had a successful frozen cycle after our first daughter, we now have two beautiful ivf babies from the same egg collection 😍

That's not actually true. Ring the clinic and ask what they recommend. The clinic I used has pictures of the children born as a result of their treatment on the wall of the waiting room (or at the least the ones that parents consented too). It gave me hope that when things got hard (and goodness me they got hard) those pictures gave me hope.

When I went back to try for a sibling I needed to take my daughter for a few of my appointments. The staff LOVED meeting my daughter. It was actually commented on that it was really helpful for them as they have to satisfy themselves that any potential parent will cope with a/another child. By meeting my daughter they could see she is well cared for and that she is loved etc. yes they still have to do all the formal checks but it gives them an extra layer of confidence. I do suspect that they try and keep appointments a little bit separate though from first timers.....my appointments tended to be later if my daughter was needing to come and earlier if I was on my own and I saw two other children in the waiting room (one a newborn who had come specifically to meet staff) this time around compared to none as a first timer.

Ring them and ask. Good luck with your treatment!

I was in a very similar situation to you - living overseas and couldn’t ask any family to watch DD (an IVF baby also) as nobody knew we were doing another round. DH had to come with me as it involved a lot of the consent forms and we both had to be present to sign them. I had no choice but to take my baby. It’s a sensitive situation, yes. But unfortunately you can’t get away from babies and children and it’s not always realistic to keep them away from certain spaces. Many couples go through fertility treatment and choose not to tell anyone so so can’t ask for help in looking after DC.

You could ban children from the clinics but you may walk into a mother and baby immediately upon leaving the clinic and then what? I say this as someone who went through years of infertility and IVF too so I’ve been the one sitting in the clinic opposite a baby when I didn’t have one myself. Personally it gave me hope that it could work for us too, but everyone’s different. I think you’ll get a lot of conflicting advice here, OP, but unless the clinic has a policy of no children allowed I would say take your DC.

@EagleEyeRock No, I don’t care less, hence the post asking.

@rollonretirementfgs Thank you, that’s really kind, I don’t hold out any hope really to be honest, it took years and years of treatments, miscarriages, emergency ectopic where I almost died and many rounds of ivf. I cannot see it happening again and am older now too, but I can’t leave it behind.

Well you seem defensive with the posters saying not to take her?

The staff may like to see your DC, but the difference is they choose to be there, it's their job.

The other people attending really would rather not to have to be there.

Your initial feeling is correct - it would be insensitive. Personally I wouldn't want to risk upsetting anyone, but that's just me.

Is this news to you? Seriously?

As much as we all love our kids, random doctors and patients probably don't. Definitely not enough to risk upsetting others with infertility.

I think that would be an awful thing to do