Changing the bed linen in between guests staying over

[userloadsofnumbers]

I am going to try and write this as factually as possible. We have a lot of people staying over for various reasons. Partner A thinks the bed linen needs to be washed in between every guest, even if they've just slept in the bed for one night/a few hours. Partner B thinks that is unnecessary and doesn't have to be done every time.

Partner A also feels the house should be generally tidied before guests come over - stuff put away, surfaces wiped, plates/cups etc in the dishwasher instead of piled high next to the sink. Again, Partner B disagrees.

Partner A thinks 99% of people think like they do. Partner B says their parents and sister agree with them so Partner A is the weird one and has issues surrounding guests visiting.

So - who is being unreasonable?

Poll: YANBU - if you agree with Partner A
YABU - if you agree with Partner B

"DH says that you don't mind about the bed being changed, but if you're bothered, I've left clean sheets on the side and I'm sure DH will give you a hand to change them."

No, no, no. Why would you be a shit host and make your guests uncomfortable to score points over your partner? What does it achieve?

Oh goodness. Partner B is just a lazy dirty slob

Yes this. I would be quite happy using a bed that someone I was close to had used for a night or two (especially if it was a woman). I would feel a bit ugggh sleeping in sheets used by someone I didn’t know.

BIossomtoes · Yesterday 21:12
KnittingSister · Yesterday 21:09

"DH says that you don't mind about the bed being changed, but if you're bothered, I've left clean sheets on the side and I'm sure DH will give you a hand to change them."
No, no, no. Why would you be a shit host and make your guests uncomfortable to score points over your partner? What does it achieve?

Well maybe their reaction will educate DH, something has to change cos he isn't currently bothered.

Sorry, can't quote properly on my phone

It’s not innocent guests’ job to educate him.

Of course you change the bed and tidy round. If it's family, I personally don't go to massive effort with a proper clean etc but everything is out of sight and I push the hoover round, put dishes away.

I have a few friends who think like Partner B and if we go to stay they'll often say, 'haven't had time to tidy etc'. I'll always say, 'I don't care...just give me a clean bed and I'll be grand'. A clean bed is a bare minimum for a guest.

I’m guessing partner B is male?

Sorry for the radio silence - I've had a lot on and actually had a massive argument with DH about this and other similar issues. It's fascinating to read everyone's opinions, especially the male partners.

I accept that he has lower standards than myself on a day to day basis - but when we have guests over I ask for more and every time he turns it into an argument. It's always my fault because of my tone of voice/when I've asked him/how I've asked him - I'm sick of it - it's been going on for too long for me to continue accepting it. I've asked him in so many different ways but the reaction is the same regardless. There's no discussion - he just shouts me down - apparently I've got anxiety around guests, I'm a psycho and I'm constantly asking him to do things. I don't have anxiety around guests - I just have some basic minimum standards. I am most definitely not constantly asking him to do things because I try and avoid arguments as much as possible.

He's now going away tomorrow and he's back on Monday which is his birthday and right now I can't bear to talk to him as he's really upset me.

If there were no children involved I'd walk away but how do you resolve something like this when it's been going on for years and no matter how many talks we have after we argue it just happens time and time again.

Oh OP I so feel for you, I would use while he's away to get out or get him out, I know exactly how you feel , been there , you end up not asking them for anything or discussing any issues and communication breaks down as you say when you ask, how you ask or what you ask is all wrong, I know having children makes it harder to leave, but be better in long run if you can

All I can say is NEVER use children as a reason not to leave a broken relationship. Only you can decide whether this is a relationship worth saving. My friend stayed in a marriage that had become toxic in that from the outside, to us, their friends, everything seemed fine. Behind closed doors there was nothing. Minimum communication, passive aggressive behaviour (things like clearing the table after meals and leaving his/her stuff on the table) There were no rows or arguments, they didn’t say hello or goodbye to each other. The children, now grown up tell me they prayed for their parents to divorce and that their lives were blighted by what life was like at home.

Partner B is right but had better be helping with the washing!

How did we get here from dirty sheets?

How weird! Obviously the wrong thread but I don’t know how it happened!!! Thanks for letting me know though!

How did we get here from dirty sheets?

Because in an update OP said she would leave if she didn't have dc, her DP calls her a "psycho" amongst other things and she is fed up.

Sorry OP :( I hate all of that "it's not that you've asked me, but HOW you asked me, and it's a load of bollocks ime too. No, you just don't want to do it!

He sounds like a lazy unhygienic prick tbh OP

"If there were no children involved I'd walk away"

Do you think this is a healthy environment for your children to be growing up in? What behaviours are being modelled to them by their parents? Will they know what a healthy relationship looks like, or will their home life set them up to enter unhealthy relationships?

One last thought - don't kid yourself that you are successfully hiding this shit from them. Kids absorb atmosphere, they absorb behaviours - they know. And, monkey see monkey do. Do you want your children to be in a relationship like the one you are in?

Why do you have so many guests?

I'm not a man

@T1Dmama

irrelevant

I wholeheartedly agree. My parents were like this and the atmosphere at home was horrible, so tense all the time. It affected me and my sibling very badly. Leaving home was an enormous relief.

I happened upon this. It is so disrespectful and hurtful that anyone would do this. My dil is all her family.My son and her have had most of my money, I never hear from her. I never cause a scene when invited at Christmas but know the bed i sleep in have dirty sheets and if I were to say anything I would not even see them one day a year but my son would phone me, they will want anything i do leave when i die. I see by the responses that some dil hate mil just because they are the mil and want them gone. I will do this one last Christmas day this year and put up with the flounces and dirty bedding but realise that this is my last I will do as she wants after Christmas, i will sever contact and move to another area. I am so glad i saw this post, no one like to think they don’t matter but its better to see the truth. When you are old you become a nuisance to some, I will try to be useful wherever i go and keep busy.

Doesn't affect me as a guest if the hosts haven't got round to the washing up yet, or that sort of thing. But not changing sheets is gross. If that's too much trouble, don't invite me.