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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Why don't women with kids force the dads to have them 50% of time?

366 replies

DontCheetoTheCheetah · 31/05/2024 11:43

Disclaimer: I dont have kids and dont want them so prepared to accept my POV might be odd but...

...Just read a thread where a woman was talking about disputing maintenance costs with her ex and mentioned he never has his kids overnight, adding that its his choice.

Why wouldn't you just force them to have their kids? Im think if I were a mum I'd quite like to have half my time to just chill and have some downtime without my children? Or is it that when you have kids you cant bear to be wthout them?

OP posts:
SherryPalmer · 31/05/2024 14:30

My ex sometimes says he wants more time with the kids (currently EOW and a weekly dinner - sometime with different kids on different nights).

But he doesn’t actually want to make any sacrifices to his lifestyle/career so doesn’t want to do any school runs and wants to have the kids stay random nights that are convenient to him, not a fixed schedule. Literally the first week he trialled 50:50 he changed the plans twice because of work commitments. He doesn’t make them shower at his house, or do homework and he has no interest in reading school emails and keeping on top of what they need to take in each day. If one of them has an appointment/club on his evening he’ll just take the other two out instead. He just wants them for fun times, doesn’t want to do the boring parts of parenting.

I sometimes wonder if he tells his sister/friends that I’m not letting him have 50:50…

funinthesun19 · 31/05/2024 14:31

I’m not prepared to try and push for a 50/50 arrangement that my children’s father will mess about with/let the kids down on all for the sake of 50/50 apparently being “best” for the children.

MsDoorway · 31/05/2024 14:32

Me and my DP have decided that if we split our DC will be 50/50.

In all honesty though, a MAJOR relevation about having kids was that you don't want them to leave your side. I used to think most parents didn't have relaxed, child-free holidays because they didn't have any family members to take their kids for them... Nope. The reason is that you miss them too much.

I even miss my daughter when I work – I race back home to hug and kiss her. I went on a hen do recently and I was SO annoyed I had to go and miss a whole weekend having fun with my daughter.

I know not all parents feel like this – but I know me and DH would both be fighting for who got her most if we split, and would have sad/empty houses the day we didn't have her.

Actually now I've had kids I feel really sorry for older parents with empty nest syndrome. It must be horrible – have a lot more sympathy for them than when I was childfree.

ARichtGoodDram · 31/05/2024 14:32

This is so funny.

we don’t even have an effective CMS service that makes all men pay what they’re meant to, despite their considerable powers, but somehow we’re going to force men to turn up and take care of children 50% of the time…

Itsonlymashadow · 31/05/2024 14:33

Let's say you could force them. You can't but let's say you could.

A parent who is being forced to oarebt and doesn't actively want to, doesn't make a good parent. This is turn, means those children turn into adults with issue of their own.

Forcing someone into parenting doesn't work out for many people.

As someone whose kids chose to not see their dad anymore I am happier knowing they are happy here with me, not just getting the bare minimum like they did from their dad. Even if it meant I didn't get a break for years

fairymary87 · 31/05/2024 14:34

Tell me you don't have kids without telling me you don't have kids

TwattyMcFuckFace · 31/05/2024 14:35

GreyCarpet · 31/05/2024 13:42

If you can’t understand the complexity around this and lack the imagination to see how it could work, you frankly should keep your views to yourself.

Tbh, I imagine the OP isn't the only person who wonders this.

Without experience of having children or being in that situation, it's hard for many to comprehend it.

I think it's a valid conversation to have and it's only through discussion that things are ever likely to change or people will understand the inequalities that arise once women have children.

Without experience of having children or being in that situation, it's hard for many to comprehend it.

Oh come on now, it really really isn't.

KissMyArt · 31/05/2024 14:38

fairymary87 · 31/05/2024 14:34

Tell me you don't have kids without telling me you don't have kids

She did tell us she doesn't have kids.

It's in the very first line of the opening post?

KarenOH · 31/05/2024 14:38

You can tell it’s half term can’t you….

Mostlycarbon · 31/05/2024 14:39

DontCheetoTheCheetah · 31/05/2024 12:10

Obviously there are kids whose fathers don't want anything to do with them (my own was a complete deadbeat, as in I didn't see him at all growing up, he just vanished).
But I'm assuming a lot of these dads who don't bother having their kids dont actively hate their kids or want nothing to do with them: instead they're just lazy and actively choosing not to, because they don't have to and there's no way of making them currently, so they just...don't. But if they were forced to, they'd just get on with it.

Show quote history

But what would "just get on with it" look like in this scenario? Probably letting them watch tv or go on a screen all weekend, feeding them junk food, not doing their teeth, not following a proper bedtime routine, not changing their sheets regularly or keeping up with their washing, not doing their reading or homework with them.

I have a relative with a six year old. When she goes to stay at her Dad's, the Dad doesn't make her wear her glasses, which she's meant to wear to help correct her eyesight.

Where do you draw the line between shit, lazy "parenting" and neglect?

Brushmyteeth · 31/05/2024 14:41

Mine doesn’t want them 50:50 as he is
too busy with the baby he had with the woman he left me for

BIossomtoes · 31/05/2024 14:42

DontCheetoTheCheetah · 31/05/2024 11:58

There should be a law that makes it a criminal offence not to, and it should have a jail sentence.
Fathers shouldn't only be financially responsible for their kids, they should take on the life burden of them too.

Show quote history

The jails are already overflowing. 😂

LifeExperience · 31/05/2024 14:44

In the US parents who don't pay child support can be jailed. Maybe the UK needs stricter laws. However, I would never leave my child with anyone who didn't want to care for them, so YABU.

stickygotstuck · 31/05/2024 14:44

Theimpossiblegirl · 31/05/2024 11:47

If it was that easy to get some fathers to be involved with family life there would be fewer divorces.

That's a very accurate observation.

turkeymuffin · 31/05/2024 14:47

DontCheetoTheCheetah · 31/05/2024 11:47

If they can't look after their own kids, I would report them for child neglect

And the consequences of that would be.....?

Zero for him.
Traumatic for the kids.

No one has to look after their kids if they REALLY don't want to. You can surrender them to social services I guess. But in reality the Dad doesn't have to do that because he knows full well the mum will look after them. And most mothers will walk on hot coals for their children, thus look after them wholly themselves.

custardlover · 31/05/2024 14:51

Do you think it would be in the children's best interest to be in the care of someone who has to be forced by the threat of criminal charges before they take responsibility for them? Don't think mothers who love their children would like them to be in that vulnerable position for the sake of a night out or something?

Epidote · 31/05/2024 14:57

How on earth a good caring mother would be happy to leave her children with someone who see them as a chore and has to be forced to have them? Not to mention all of those men that have been abusive etc.
I would be happy if my ex wanted more contact because I would love he develop a good caring relationship with our DD. As a plus I would have more time for myself, but the priority here is her, not me.
She is my primary priority, her wellbeing, her learning etc is the first. I knew that when I got pregnant.
On his side, he thinks Call of Duty video-game is somehow at the same level of priority as our DD. No in a million years I would think that way.

TVD2103 · 31/05/2024 14:58

Why on earth would I do that? 🙄 then I’ll be having to give up the £26 a month child maintenance he pays me 🙄

Alalalalalongalalalalalonglonglilong · 31/05/2024 14:59

Firstly being divided evenly between two people is not very good for a child. If there is a distance between them, they miss out on friendships and activities. It makes a lot more sense to have a primary carer and other partner weekends and holidays etc. Secondly, physically being with a child you don't want is not OK, kids need more than just a presence. They need to be fed, washed, interacted with and if someone isn't prepared to do this it is really damaging to the child. Third, making it a criminal offence means either putting someone in prison so child remains 100% with mother who doesn't even get her occasional weekend off anymore at the expense of the taxpayers. Or a hefty fine which will result in less money for the child's needs.

Its complicated by the fact that women get to choose if they want the child or not and men do not get a say. If a man doesn't want to be a father he does not have any control over this but would be deemed a criminal or spend his life paying for the child. If he wants to be a father and the woman chooses not to have it, he has no say whatsoever. That's the system we have chosen and in order for women to have this freedom it comes with a massive caveat that some men get to abandon their kids.

SeriaMau · 31/05/2024 14:59

OP, are you a grown-up?

roarrfeckingroar · 31/05/2024 15:04

Oh wow, what a way of saying "I don't have kids" without saying it.

All situations are different. Fundamentally, you can't force someone to look after their children and any mother worth her salt wouldn't want to send their children someone they are not welcomed with open arms.

In my case:

  1. It wouldn't be right for the kids; they're too young to split their time between two houses.
  2. I wouldn't want him to. I grew, breastfed, nurtured and have been the 'go to' parent for these two little children since before they were born. Over my dead body are they spending half their time away from me. Unpopular opinion perhaps.

Fortunately my XP understands the above so he has them once a week overnight and picks them up from the childminder, bathes them at my house and puts them to bed two week nights. We get on well, so this isn't a problem for me.

Toomanysquishmallows · 31/05/2024 15:06

In the case of my ex , he barely saw dd1 and there was no way she was being cared for by his awful partner so he stopped seeing her . He couldn’t be forced too see her .

Choochoo21 · 31/05/2024 15:08

I completely agree OP!

It drives me mad that so many fathers decide to just leave and not be involved or barely be involved and it’s seen as ok.

It annoys that just because one parent stays and picks up the slack then they get away with it.

In reality the dad has absolutely no idea whether the mum is taking care of the child properly or even cares.
So how can anyone justify that him leaving a child with their mum means he’s not neglecting them.

Its funny because he can leave and not feed the child or clothe them adequately etc but if the other parent who has actually stuck around didn’t feed them enough then they would be punished (rightly so) but the person who never feeds them gets off Scott free.

It is so frustrating but this is a man’s world and there’s literally nothing you can do about it.
The thousands of women in this situation just have to hope for a bit of maintenance to help out or a couple of hours access time.

Theredoubtableskins · 31/05/2024 15:09

I’ve seen some people lacking in intelligence, critical thinking and even common sense but this thread… this has to be right up there with the best of them.

Ubugly · 31/05/2024 15:09

My sons dad moved 200 miles away 🧐