Why don't women with kids force the dads to have them 50% of time?

[DontCheetoTheCheetah]

Disclaimer: I dont have kids and dont want them so prepared to accept my POV might be odd but...

...Just read a thread where a woman was talking about disputing maintenance costs with her ex and mentioned he never has his kids overnight, adding that its his choice.

Why wouldn't you just force them to have their kids? Im think if I were a mum I'd quite like to have half my time to just chill and have some downtime without my children? Or is it that when you have kids you cant bear to be wthout them?

This. Since OP has seemingly solved the problem of fathers not taking responsibility maybe she can move on to curing cancer.

I'm in the US and that law does exist. My ex-bil has been on the list for years to be arrested for not paying. The "children are 30 and 27. One is actually a police officer. Sadly the arrests are more a threat then reality.

Then apply to court.

Any parent can choose not to parent their child. No one can force non resident parents to care for their kids. There are many men who simply refuse to have their children and there is nothing to require them to. Obviously child maintained technically can be forced (often in practise, is very difficult). But frankly childcare costs are so high the money paid to mainly mums, rarely makes up for less than 50-50 division of care.

If a judge can't force a deadbeat to have his kids I'm not sure what you expect a woman to do.

BUSTED!!! I thought this too. Surely noone over the age of 14 in fact could have this simplistic thinking about a complex situation.

Also @DontCheetoTheCheetah thanks for making crap fathers a woman problem... When you have kids you shouldn't have to MTF (mother the father) as well.

I'm sure my kids would absolutely love to see their dad but seeing had he abandoned them 7 years ago, completely ignored my messages and calls to his workplace about our DD needing major surgery 4 years ago and by him blocking my DD on every communication she has attempted I don't think he is interested do you ?

Like adults, children tend to have a view on where they spend their time. I don’t get this ‘I don’t have kids’ thing. You were a kid! Don’t you remember? Children are not just a homogenous group of beings that are all the same and don’t care where they live.

OK should meet my brother, he's got multiple kids, He's currently on a 6 month stint in thailand, doesn't see his kids when he's back in england, and he's funded by pip and cash in hand work when he finally makes it back to uk. Please make him see and pay for his kids.

I might be going against the grain here but if DH and I split up I would go for as much custody as I could get. My kids spending half of their childhoods away from me feels absolutely horrific to me. I want my home to be their home, not to have their lives ripped in two. Adults don’t choose to live like that- it’s horrible for children to be forced to.

Another fucking thicko deluxe.

My ex never wanted contact so I didn't have to make that choice but honestly I don't think 50/50 is best for young children. We split up when our DS was 10 months old and if he'd asked for 50/50 I'd have fought it, I'd always been the primary caregiver and sending a baby or toddler away from the primary caregiver for half the week is cruel in my opinion.

I think for older kids it can be OK though but their wants and feelings about it should be taken into account.

There's no way this post isn't a wind up 😂

I don't think either parent can actually be "forced" to look after their children, just thankfully in most cases at least one parent gives a toss..

To be fair, it's the way OP has framed this question which has got people's backs up, it's been done in a daft fashion and blames women for what is essentially a man problem.

What OP should be asking is...what can we do to make sure idiot lazy men either don't procreate or preferably don't exist.

Three factors:

Education, Equality and Economic.

Education -boys (and girls!) educated to understand childcare and to show emotion and empathy but also be independent (i.e life skills- wash their own clothes, cook, clean?!), girls educated to see red flags in people (men included!) and call out crap behaviour. Ideally all kids educated to a high standard and good family values taught at home. A longer school day and poor behaviour in school more harshly punished. Kids required to work harder and laziness punished. Kids who do well at school rewarded and better incentives to try hard. Good male role models at home and at school. Routes for children who are not academic to succeed and be rewarded.

Equality -a society that doesn't expect women to be SAHP as default. An expectation on father's to well...father their kids and fathers who don't are shamed and stigmatised. Women expected to go back to work at the end of maternity leave and not pander to their kids. Equal pay and parental leave. Women 'breadwinners' much more common as no long career gaps, women earn more respect from men and hold more power.

Economic - children not growing up in poverty, children able to access education. Improved and consistently high standard childcare to facilitate parents working. More high quality teachers in state schools as pay is improved. Better government policies on drugs, porn, alcohol and all other addictive substances which are used as crutches for mental health issues. Better access to and improved mental health care.

This last one is radical and @DontCheetoTheCheetah OP I think you'll like it, all men have a vasectomy until they can be trusted to procreate and sign a contract to say they will provide for their children in the future as long as they are able. If they break said contract they get castrated. Guarantee being made a Eunuch would stop em. 😂

When DD is at her dad's, she doesn't have a bedtime, doesn't clean her teeth or have a bath/shower, he doesn't brush her hair so it ends up with dreadlock style knots (she has afro hair). He loses his temper with her over everything and nothing and calls her stupid and slaps her. When she was a baby he refused to change nappies and would return her with poo seeping out of her nappy. Social services refused to get involved and said if I refused contact, it would be parental alienation. He now doesn't want her overnight, and honestly, I'm not going to push it as he can't look after her.

I'm sure most single parents would love their ex partner to share in caring for the children, but the reality of life is

• access can be limited due to behaviour or living circumstances
• the absent parent maybe cba (or as my DB put it when he and his ex split up, "...the worst thing is leaving the DCs cos you know you won't see them for a while and that really hurts...")
• the kids cba cos they want to see their friends etc so want to be with the main parent
• etc...

In any case, whichever parent the children are with don't kick back and relax if the children are with their ex, they spend a lot if the time worrying about the children!

I feel like this should be rephrased to “why don’t some dads want their kids 50% of the time?”

In an ideal world, we can only dream.

I have tried reasoning, begging and pleading over text/email and that is all so can do. ‘Forcing’ him to take the children by abandoning them there against his will would be extremely upsetting for them. Can you imagine your parents arguing because neither or them ‘wanted you’? (I know that this isn’t the case from my side but that’s how it would seem to dc!)

How would I force my ex, he moved over 5000 miles away! They can hardly pop over for the weekend!

It would open a lot more children to abuse. Many marriages break up because the dad can't cope not being the centre of attention. Fewer men can manage to put others needs before their own. They can lack patience with children

Children either end up being out in front of a screen with no stimulation or can end up doing activities that are not age appropriate

If course it's not always the dad but more often than it being the mum

Plus there's always the problem of both being able to afford accommodation near the school and the child shuffling about. Also parents have to constantly be in touch which can be a problem in a nasty divorce

I don't think most mothers would want their kids to spend 50% of the time with someone who doesn't want them there. Would you really do that to your kids??

Op logistics aside I agree with the basic point of your thread - in simple terms where there's no abuse, neglect etc what is it that makes dads be able to refuse to have them 50% but the mum doesn't have the option? What happens if both parents say they can only have them on weekends, for example. Then what?
I guess for decent parents they would usually want to see them and would try get as close to that as possible, or would come to arrangement in the best interests of the kids.
In my situation (I'm married with 2DC) my DH works away, so if we ever split up I'd get lumped with all the childcare unless he quit his job to earn significantly less elsewhere. And I'm not sure what would be better, a stable home with one parent most of the time and dad on weekends, or 50% of the time with a resentful parent who either had to quit and start over and barely able to provide, or in some form of paid childcare instead of with the other parent.

I dunno, in principle it's a good thing but in reality it's not straightforward.