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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Wouldn't be friends with ... AIBU to judge her for this?

112 replies

FrancieM · 31/05/2024 11:08

Last night I went out to someone's leaving drinks at work, afterwards me and two my colleagues went to meet with one of their girlfriends who had been out too.
We were all quite drunk, I have met this girl a number of times and I quite liked her. We have a brunch just the two of us for Sunday.

I don't remember exactly how it came up but she mentioned that she's only really friends with people who went to private school. She explained that she finds some (not all) people who went to state schools like to discredit her success (she's 6 years younger than me, making 15k more than me in the same job more or less so she's doing well!). That she's appreciates she is privileged but that can only take you so far and she's also worked really hard. So generally she finds others who went to private school aren't so keen to bring her down a peg or two and value her success.
I think I jokingly drunkenly responded that she and her boyfriend are my only friends who went to private school (I went to a grammar school). She was clearly drunk so I wasn't taking her too seriously.
The conversation continued and we talked about groups of people that we don't really have any friends from or wouldn't be friends with (all white innocent stuff like people who post there every move on social media).
Then she said very much unprovoked "oh I'm not really friends with fat people" now this took me back. I asked her to explain and she said that she doesn't mean someone who's just a little overweight but someone who is obese. She said she just assumes they are quite lazy and wouldn't enjoy most of her hobbies and that she knows it mean but she does judge. Now I don't get this one, and really when I look on her instagram all her friends are size 6-8 stunning girls. She's a 6 but lives an almost unsustainably active life.

At the time I just brushed it off and changed the topic but now I'm thinking about it - it's awfully mean. I told my closest friend and she said that while she doesn't agree with it, she understands but thinks it's one of those thoughts that should be kept quiet.

Now I'm not sure what next, she's the first new friend I've had in years, we have a good laugh and I was actually really looking forward to a girly brunch. My others friends all have kids now (I have a 19 month old and it's nice to have a non mum friend who doesn't want to speak about kids all the time).
She's intelligent, well spoken etc. so makes for a good sober conversation (clearly her drunk chat leaves a lot to be desired).

So I guess my AIBU to judge the opinions she disclosed drunk and to be considering cancelling brunch/ending the short lived friendship off the back of it?
Or do we all have our less nice side and this is just hers?

OP posts:
LuckysDadsHat · 31/05/2024 11:10

I wouldn't want to be friends with such a judgemental person. Not only about the fat friends but also her thoughts on private school etc...... I couldn't be arsed with it all. Would she dump you as a friend if you got fat?

takealettermsjones · 31/05/2024 11:13

Honestly she sounds massively insecure to me. I wouldn't even know what kind of schools my friends/colleagues went to (apart from my old school friends obviously!) and I certainly wouldn't talk about earnings or 'success' with them. I also couldn't give less of a stuff what my mates' BMIs or dress sizes are. Sad that she's comparing herself constantly like this.

But no I couldn't be arsed being friends with her I don't think.

Justcats · 31/05/2024 11:13

You seriously have to ask? Tell her you can't be friends with such a judgmental up herself idiot and move on.

IncognitoUsername · 31/05/2024 11:13

So she’s a snob who judges people on their size? Going good so far. Perhaps at the brunch you could try to find out her views or race, gender, sexuality etc?

TooTiredToDealWithThis · 31/05/2024 11:15

Nah she sounds like a fanny. Get rid.

MoonWoman69 · 31/05/2024 11:15

If she's that judgemental about "fat" people, I think you'll find she'll be quite judgy about a whole host of other stuff! And I think if you challenge her on everything, then the friendship will die out anyway, best not to bother 🌹

Balloonhearts · 31/05/2024 11:15

She's a POS, just drop her and congratulate yourself on dodging the bullet.

the80sweregreat · 31/05/2024 11:16

She sounds a bit unhinged and very judgmental
Might be her expensive upbringing or just her personality, but I'd be avoiding her in future unless you share her views. Her friends all probably do.
( she would definitely avoid me as I'm old overweight and went to a rough comp !)
She has to have a pack of her own kind!

KreedKafer · 31/05/2024 11:17

Christ, she sounds awful.

Everythingiscalmfornow · 31/05/2024 11:17

Well I'm surprised she has any friends at all.
You say she's intelligent? I would dispute that.

FrancieM · 31/05/2024 11:18

takealettermsjones · 31/05/2024 11:13

Honestly she sounds massively insecure to me. I wouldn't even know what kind of schools my friends/colleagues went to (apart from my old school friends obviously!) and I certainly wouldn't talk about earnings or 'success' with them. I also couldn't give less of a stuff what my mates' BMIs or dress sizes are. Sad that she's comparing herself constantly like this.

But no I couldn't be arsed being friends with her I don't think.

See this is what I'd think too, but she's genuinely one of the most attractive and intelligent people I know?! It's very confusing as I never go the idea before now that she was like this at all. Seemed to all come out in a drunken rant.
But yeah I'm not sure I want to feel like I need to keep my weight in check or lose a friend and knowing that I'm her token state school friend 😬.
Shame as she was otherwise lovely and her boyfriend is a delight.

OP posts:
5128gap · 31/05/2024 11:18

She's thick as the wall OP. If she wasn't she wouldn't be spouting tired old clichés about everyone being jealous of her success and fat people being lazy would she? She'd have the emotional intelligence and critical thinking skills to think it through. Up to you, but it would he a no from me.

FrancieM · 31/05/2024 11:19

Everythingiscalmfornow · 31/05/2024 11:17

Well I'm surprised she has any friends at all.
You say she's intelligent? I would dispute that.

Having met a couple of her friends I'd be willing to guess they all share the same views!

OP posts:
DownWithThisKindOfThing · 31/05/2024 11:19

She’d hate me, a state comp educated fatty with a good degree and job.

she sounds vile. How old is she that where someone went to school even comes up in conversations? 12? I can’t remember the last time someone introduced themselves to me, or me to them, outlining my education status.

she sounds not only judgmental but ignorant and ill informed with her comments on privilege also.

SallyWD · 31/05/2024 11:19

Not only is she judgemental but she also sounds rather stupid! For someone to say "I can't be friends with fat people, I can't be friends with people from state schools"? I mean WTF? It's just incredibly dumb!! Shows that an expensive education can't buy intelligence or empathy.
I'd tolerate her but I'd never see her in the same way again and wouldn't want to be close friends.

Toomanyemails · 31/05/2024 11:22

She sounds incredibly judgemental! Ruling out 93% of the population based on the school their parents chose and that's just for a start...

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 31/05/2024 11:22

I think it's just silly drunken rambling tbh and if the friendship is otherwise rewarding I'd just ignore it and move on. My friends aren't all carbon copies of me.

Cbljgdpk · 31/05/2024 11:24

How old is she OP? This is me potentially being judgemental but I find people with less life experience can be more judgemental

TribeofFfive · 31/05/2024 11:24

I think you both sound pretty judgey tbh; saying you wouldn’t be friends with people who use social media a lot.
It sounds like you’re both crap company so the brunch will be dull. Who the hell spends a night out discussing groups of people they wouldn’t be friends with?

FrancieM · 31/05/2024 11:25

Cbljgdpk · 31/05/2024 11:24

How old is she OP? This is me potentially being judgemental but I find people with less life experience can be more judgemental

She's 23 so still very young. Only out of uni a year.

OP posts:
Cbljgdpk · 31/05/2024 11:25

I also suspect that she doesn’t really see that her privilege has taken her that far and isn’t friends with people who have been in a less privileged position because it reminds her of this

TwattyMcFuckFace · 31/05/2024 11:25

I wouldn't think twice about binning this one off because when it comes to friends, I choose quality over quantity.

If I had to think twice about it, I'd look at myself and wonder why I felt I needed to keep her around.

If the answer was because I felt I didn't have enough friends, I'd do something about that instead.

Everythingiscalmfornow · 31/05/2024 11:26

FrancieM · 31/05/2024 11:19

Having met a couple of her friends I'd be willing to guess they all share the same views!

A case of Birds of a feather then obviously. They deserve each other.
Perhaps real life will catch up with them one day and when they need a bit of kindness and empathy shown to them it will be lacking.

whoneedssixteen · 31/05/2024 11:27

I'd say probably drunken chat and I'd continue to see her if meeting up was fun. If you don't like her or enjoy her company that's fine - don't see her. But if you do then don't terminate the connection on the basis of a drunken convo. There's no value in virtue signalling (except on here) and you may find if you eliminate acquaintances because you think you should then you may end up a bit lonely.

FrancieM · 31/05/2024 11:27

TribeofFfive · 31/05/2024 11:24

I think you both sound pretty judgey tbh; saying you wouldn’t be friends with people who use social media a lot.
It sounds like you’re both crap company so the brunch will be dull. Who the hell spends a night out discussing groups of people they wouldn’t be friends with?

It's not about the use of social media in general. I do think it can be hard to be friends with someone who posts 20+ instagram stories everyday, needs to take a whole load of photos before you do anything (not just for dun but the right angle and the right look).
It was less the use of social media and more aspiring influencers.

OP posts: