Wouldn't be friends with ... AIBU to judge her for this?

[FrancieM]

Last night I went out to someone's leaving drinks at work, afterwards me and two my colleagues went to meet with one of their girlfriends who had been out too.
We were all quite drunk, I have met this girl a number of times and I quite liked her. We have a brunch just the two of us for Sunday.

I don't remember exactly how it came up but she mentioned that she's only really friends with people who went to private school. She explained that she finds some (not all) people who went to state schools like to discredit her success (she's 6 years younger than me, making 15k more than me in the same job more or less so she's doing well!). That she's appreciates she is privileged but that can only take you so far and she's also worked really hard. So generally she finds others who went to private school aren't so keen to bring her down a peg or two and value her success.
I think I jokingly drunkenly responded that she and her boyfriend are my only friends who went to private school (I went to a grammar school). She was clearly drunk so I wasn't taking her too seriously.
The conversation continued and we talked about groups of people that we don't really have any friends from or wouldn't be friends with (all white innocent stuff like people who post there every move on social media).
Then she said very much unprovoked "oh I'm not really friends with fat people" now this took me back. I asked her to explain and she said that she doesn't mean someone who's just a little overweight but someone who is obese. She said she just assumes they are quite lazy and wouldn't enjoy most of her hobbies and that she knows it mean but she does judge. Now I don't get this one, and really when I look on her instagram all her friends are size 6-8 stunning girls. She's a 6 but lives an almost unsustainably active life.

At the time I just brushed it off and changed the topic but now I'm thinking about it - it's awfully mean. I told my closest friend and she said that while she doesn't agree with it, she understands but thinks it's one of those thoughts that should be kept quiet.

Now I'm not sure what next, she's the first new friend I've had in years, we have a good laugh and I was actually really looking forward to a girly brunch. My others friends all have kids now (I have a 19 month old and it's nice to have a non mum friend who doesn't want to speak about kids all the time).
She's intelligent, well spoken etc. so makes for a good sober conversation (clearly her drunk chat leaves a lot to be desired).

So I guess my AIBU to judge the opinions she disclosed drunk and to be considering cancelling brunch/ending the short lived friendship off the back of it?
Or do we all have our less nice side and this is just hers?

Do you think an intelligent person would decide they couldn't be friends with 94% of people?
Do you think an intelligent person couldn't engage in conversation about the privelege and advantage of private education without drunken shrieks of 'jealousy'?
Do you think an intelligent person thinks body size is a personality trait?

23! Ha! Let’s see how this size 6 is maintained when/if pregnancy/middle age/menopause hit! Daft bint.

I think people are being judgemental here using short descriptions of one conversation to make an assumption on both of our overall intelligence levels.
I'm not my best self when drunk and I don't know anyone who is. We have had interesting conversations about a whole host of topics and I do think that at least while sober she is generally very self aware.
I am put off by this one extremely drunken conversation. However I'm intelligent enough to know that this one conversation in these specific circumstances aren't reflective of either of us as a whole nor indicative of our intelligence levels.
This is one conversation out of many we've had and I don't expect my friends to have only highly aware, intellectually stimulating conversations, especially not at 1.30 in the morning having been out since 5.30 the night before!
But yes you go ahead and make assumptions based off of one conversation and tell me that is better than her making assumptions based off one fact about someone's life (schooling/weight). Good to see hypocrisy is alive and well!

I think it sounds like a drunken chatter - there's no way to know if she meant to say that / you heard it right - if you were all quite drunk there's a huge possibility that it's been totally misunderstood or misconstrued.

If you like her and get along, I'd still go to brunch and spend time with her! Drunk people waffle all sorts of nonsense.

I've had a baby and I'm still a size 6/8 - not impossible!

Some of the most intelligent and inspiring people I've ever known have been overweight
It's not always food , could be meds or thyroid problems or any illness ( which then stops being able to exercise) she isn't thinking outside the box of her own beautiful thin friends. God forbid one of those put on a pound or become pregnant, she may implode.
She'd hate me..lol

Still awaiting middle age and menopause though… ;) was skinny for years and now all those things down the line I’m not.

you also seem to be getting quite defensive OP, you described someone who basically sounds like an ignorant, ill informed, narrow minded judgemental cunt and then take umbrage when people have pointed that out. Bear in mind all we have to go on is your comments about her, we don’t know her, so we’ve formed views on what you’ve said.

Op I'd go to the brunch. And I say this as someone she wouldn't want to be friends with (state school and fat).

I'd judge her on how she treats people and id probably make a joke at brunch about us she going to ditch me if I eat too much dessert. Is she incredibly embarrassed it came out sounding like that or does she double down? If the waitress is overweight is she rider than to the slim one? Did she mean that she's just never gelled with someone obese because of their comparative ways to have fun? Id probably struggle to bind with someone who was focused on how .any calories in this and how many hours at the gym they've done. I wouldn't swear off all fit people but I Def have no gym obsessed friends.

Plenty of people are able to get drunk without making nasty generalisations about groups of people, those ridiculous views are her real views, in vino veritas and all that

She's a snob who will use you as her yard stick . People like her around themselves with people they think are below them to big themselves up . She sounds Narcissistic.

I'm partially wondering if it was more off "I don't have any friends who are ..." than "I wouldn't be friends with ...". It was 1.30 we were both very drunk and coherence was at an all time low.

she is just young with no life experience. Lots of us were daft at 23.

You were having the kind of scandalous conversation where you know you shouldn't be saying it out loud, did you join in with it at the time but are now reporting her things alone? I don't believe she would have kept expanding on slightly shocking things without everyone else escalating it as well.

If health and fitness are very important to her, is it really that bad that she wouldn't want to hang out with those who are at the other end of the spectrum. You've lived a fairly sheltered life if you've never heard fat people bitching about fitness fanatics and how they are obviously having more fun than those too uptight to eat chips.

At 23 it is very common for those who have had good choices to think they can take the credit for making good choices, the more ridiculous thing is any poster here who is hurt by the drunken ramblings of a very privileged 23yo or you posting it to essentially bitch about her behind her back.

Most of us here are older, wiser and less judgemental and wouldn't be likely to be her friends, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't be. If you don't enjoy her company, then so be it, but how is she going to find out that state school people couldn't care less unless she actually gets to know some.

She (and you) may well have been drunk but as the saying goes, "in vino veritas". I'm sure with her posh private education she'll know what that means!
I couldn't be friends with her as I'd have such differing views. I do have 'friends' with very different views but tend to keep them at acquaintance distance.

At 23 you're old enough to know right from wrong

She sounds like a total ape.

Yeah, I'd be wild about the idea of befriending someone for whom alcohol brings out fattism and some kind of weird private school fetish.

" However I'm intelligent enough to know that this one conversation in these specific circumstances aren't reflective of either of us as a whole nor indicative of our intelligence levels."

Maybe not your intelligence levels but in vino veritas is a saying for a reason. For most people alcohol leads them to lower their inhibitions, and therefore say things they would otherwise keep quiet, not completely change their personality and say things they don't actually mean.

By all means go out for a casual brunch with her if you want, it's fine to have friends you don't agree about everything with....but I personally would be wary of becoming close friends with her...it's very unlikely that she's a lovely person with stereotypes about JUST these 2 things, and more likely that she's actually quite a judgy person generally.

This! 👏👏

OP - You've made her sound horrible... but people often are horrible when they're drunk.
Still go to the brunch - then if you still think she's a twat, distance yourself after that.
In terms of what she said, in isolation, the weight comment is harsh. But, I guess, as you say yourself, if she's incredibly active then she IS unlikely to have much in common with someone who's morbidly obese. She's just telling the truth.
However, just because you can say something, doesn't mean you should!

I do feel sorry for those who watch every morsel of food , although I often wish I had that ' iron will ' myself!

Despite my earlier post, I do agree it may have been an idiotic drunken rant !
Maybe see how she is when she isn't drunk ( and maybe she should stop the drinking as it does tend to be ' hidden calories' !)

The key difference in the assumptions being made are that your friend is making them without any basis. She is attributing personality traits to people based solely on their membership of a large and diverse group without knowing anything else about them than that they are a certain weight, or went to state school.
The 'assumptions' I have made about your friend are not actually assumptions at all, as nothing is being assumed about her, the judhement is based entirely on the behaviour you have told us about. If you had told us she had made a racist remark, it would not be an 'assumption' she was racist, it would be a judgement based on evidence. Same applies here. There is no hypocrisy as the two things are entirely different.

She's just a twat. Phase her out.

People don't know what they don't know. They are products of their environment and she has been brought up in a very sheltered and privileged one.

This is bizzare, you start a thread saying am I wrong to judge her and end the friendship, then attack other people for judging her and proclaim you’d not do that.