Coming out as Bi to DH

[Scorchioo]

Just over a year ago I came out as bi to DH. A family member who had divorced her husband was now in a relationship with a woman. We were on the subject and I told DH I believed myself to be bisexual. When we first met DH knew that I had some attraction to women and that I had kissed women in the past.

It did not go down well. DH was almost sickened by what I told him and immediately started to text his mother as he “needed someone to talk to” I told him I wasn’t comfortable with his mother knowing and that if he needed to talk to someone I would be happy for him to confide in a friend instead. He said I can’t “control who he talks to” His mother is the type to use this information as a weapon against me.

DH then used graphic sexual language grilling me about all the stuff I would do to women. Would I ….. a woman etc. He kept saying he felt sick and if I was really bisexual he couldn’t remain married to me. He felt betrayed and acted like I had cheated on him.

I ended up backtracking and told him I was just confused and that my sexuality is fluid instead.

He then a few weeks after became hugely suffocating, physically touching me all the time and almost “love bombing” me.

We have not mentioned it since.

Has anyone got any experience with this sort of situation?

I can see why DH is upset. I know we all have momentary sexual attractions to certain people outside of our spouses, but having that outlined specifically is going to affect him. His pride will be wounded too with the thought that there is an element of your sexuality that deep down you would like to explore without him. I agree that being bisexual doesn't mean that someone is more likely to cheat, but the level of gravity being added to this "coming out" moment must put doubts in his mind about the longevity of your relationship.

Yes, running off to tell his mum isn't a good look. However, in a crisis many of us would confide in someone we trust. Also, the graphic sex stuff is over the top too, but again, he was likely in shock with his whole world turned upside down.

I sympathise with you both. This is obviously a big part of your identity and you feel that your closest person, i.e. spouse should be a support. But he also feels like you might not be getting enough from him and are liable to leave.

So the people who are saying 'dont/why tell' - I'm curious on this.
So you're saying don't tell your partner, because they don't need to know - but why happens if you then found out a other way? I don't know, if your DP had talked about it with a friend and them that friend mentioned it to you, would you not be hurt not to be told?

Again, why ?
You’re with your husband with no intention to have sexual relations with anyone else, male or female.
Why is it such an important part of your identity ?

You are making assumptions about what the husband assumed or didn't assume.

Personally if I married my partner and then years after they "came out" to me as bisexual, I would question why they were only telling me now.

The op is contradicting herself by saying " I thought my husband knew because I told him I'd kissed women" to then say " I've only discovered myself that I am bisexual" (paraphrasing)

What is the husband supposed to make of that??
I don't agree with his reaction at all.. completely over the top and actually very immature but I can understand why it's been a shock to him

Wow. Just wow.

Being bisexual holds no more weight than being heterosexual or homosexual.

Just because someone is bisexual doesn't automatically mean they're more likely to cheat than someone who is heterosexual solely because of their sexuality.

The responses on this thread are ridiculous and appalling.

You would think it would be a positive thing to learn about your partner (of all the men - and all the women- in the world, I choose you).

However, it seems to be assumed that if your sexuality is 'bi' - you cannot be satisfied by one person.

Quite

The thought of having sex with a woman, makes me feel physically sick. I'm not sure I could do it for a million quid!

@Blondiebeachbabe I'm curious, do you think that little bout of homophobia has contributed anything constructive to the discussion?

Because it’s completely unrealistic to think that your partner will never ever have any sexual feelings other than towards you. You can have that “boundary” all you want, but it’s make believe.

It’s not homophobic to find the act repulsive. It’s homophobic to consider the people who do the act repulsive.

I never said your “personal preferences” had to make sense to me: I said they are biphobic/ homophobic. Dating you is not an equal opportunities exercise and you are free to be homophobic in your choices and I am free to call it for what it is 💁🏼‍♀️

The thought of having sex with a woman, makes me feel physically sick

We get it, you're straight. There's no need to be quite so dramatic.

If I was a bloke and knew my wife had kissed women in the past I would assume she had at least some interest in them. It wouldn’t be a massive revelation to me that she was bisexual. Whether or not OP was certain about her sexuality earlier isn’t particularly relevant.

Haha! This! I was just about to say this.

Come on, don't diminish how impactful these revelations are. We all just want simple straightforward relationships!

Funny, as when a woman on these boards says her husband is bi most people tell to pack her shit and leave the sicko- but you told your husband the same and most people are like "oh he's childish". He's not. WHile the crude vocab is not cool, it's also not cool to tell your husband you find wome nattractive and expect him to roll with it. Are you planning an affair with a woman and trying to 'groom' your husband to accept it?

If my husband told me he was bi I would divorce him.

I'm not attracted to obese men, am I fat phobic? I am attracted to intelligent men with interesting conversation, is that prejudicial to people with speech impediments or autism etc? People can choose sexual partners based on their own criteria and they don't need to justify it to anyone.

Being Bi-sexual, as OP herself said is a big part of her identity and sexual being. After being married for a long time, your partner telling you something this momentous is bound to have an affect on them.

I wouldn't have said anything. I knew it would cause issues. He is now thinking you're unhappy, and might leave him for a woman. Its happened to someone close to him, so he believes it could happen here. Just forget about it for now, and reassure him you're happy. You can't stop him from talking to other people, as he's probably feeling hurt.

If my partner told me he was bisexual, our relationship would be over. I’m not turned on by men that have sex with other men. It’s not attractive to me so wouldn’t work in a relationship. Same as if I found out he was turned on by other things which turn me off. It wouldn’t work.

He shouldn’t be treating you badly for it though OP. He can either be ok with it or end the relationship.

What is the 'other way' her husband would find it out- except for finding her with her face between another woman's legs?
OP looks like she is considering an affair/leaving like the family member, so I guess this is the only purpose of the 'revelation'. Otherwise why tell?
Imagine you find someone attractive and want to have sex with them, would you tell your DP because it's part of your identity?

Yeah this

What about if he was bisexual, never told you, and then one of his friends mentioned that he’d dated some chap before you?

Biphobia is alive and well, as usual! Absolutely ridiculous responses on this thread, unfortunately not surprising. Op, the way your husband reacted is disgusting and would honestly make me question the relationship. My partner knows I’m bi, just like he knows a lot of personal information about me. He knows it doesn’t mean I’m about to leave him for a woman or cheat on him, because he isn’t a homophobic child.

If he's this unhappy with you being bi then he shouldnt be with you. You can't stop feeling that way and he clearly can't handle it with his comments.

No judgement either way. But I don't understand why you'd stay with someone and continue to give your partner crap, if you don't like it leave and be with someone else.

I literally explained a scenario in the post you have quoted.
Jane and Jack get together.
Jane is/figures out she might be bi.
Jack wants a 'don't ask don't tell' policy.
Jane tells her friend Sarah she is bi
Sarah mentions it to Jack in passing.