Coming out as Bi to DH

[Scorchioo]

Just over a year ago I came out as bi to DH. A family member who had divorced her husband was now in a relationship with a woman. We were on the subject and I told DH I believed myself to be bisexual. When we first met DH knew that I had some attraction to women and that I had kissed women in the past.

It did not go down well. DH was almost sickened by what I told him and immediately started to text his mother as he “needed someone to talk to” I told him I wasn’t comfortable with his mother knowing and that if he needed to talk to someone I would be happy for him to confide in a friend instead. He said I can’t “control who he talks to” His mother is the type to use this information as a weapon against me.

DH then used graphic sexual language grilling me about all the stuff I would do to women. Would I ….. a woman etc. He kept saying he felt sick and if I was really bisexual he couldn’t remain married to me. He felt betrayed and acted like I had cheated on him.

I ended up backtracking and told him I was just confused and that my sexuality is fluid instead.

He then a few weeks after became hugely suffocating, physically touching me all the time and almost “love bombing” me.

We have not mentioned it since.

Has anyone got any experience with this sort of situation?

Why are someone's personal sexual boundaries ridiculous? There are some areas in which people get to be discriminating and your choice of sexual and romantic partners are right at the top of that list. People get to decide what does and doesn't make them comfortable in a partner. It doesn't matter if it's seems stupid to anyone else.

OP, whatever about anything else, you told him you are bisexual in the middle of a conversation about a woman who may have ended her marriage to a man to be with women. If my partner told me he was bisexual in that context, I'd possibly wonder if he was preparing me for the same thing to happen with us.

Yes, I get this but...

I'm bi. I'm a woman.

I'm married to a man.

So being bisexual is pretty irrelevant to my life now. I certainly wouldn't come out or tell anyone I'm bi now, as I don't intend to act on it and to all outsiders I look to be in a long term heterosexual relationship.

So I get why people are asking "why now?". Why did you feel the need to tell him... unless you want to act on it?

Jesus, the homophobia in this thread is gross. Sympathies, OP X

@Ratisshortforratthew

"All these (straight) people saying you should’ve kept it to yourself because being married cancels out your sexuality "

Which posters said marriage cancels out your sexuality?

Maybe they didn’t use the word cancel but saying it makes your sexuality irrelevant is pretty much the same thing.

Definitely elements of biphobia on this thread. Being disgusted by your partner having same sex attraction/sexual connections in their past is apparently not ok but knowing they had plenty of opposite sex relationships before you is ok and not in any way disgusting or crossing your own sexual boundaries? Not liking the thoughts of same sex attraction when you yourself are straight is fair enough, that’s how you know your own sexuality. But dictating to people like the op that they should keep half of their sexual attraction to themselves because it brings out the ‘ick’ in their (homophobic) straight partner is absolutely not ok.

Being bi doesn’t mean an intention to cheat. I was in a heterosexual relationship for many years and never strayed with another woman and quite frankly now I’d never be with another man again. You can be bi/gay in a hetro relationship and still have morals/be monogamous.

You recently discovered this about yourself but thought he knew you were bi when he met you?

I would leave DH, if he came out as Bi.

Of course it doesn't mean he will cheat, BUT, it would mean that he is sexually attracted to something that I can never offer, and something that I can never be. I wouldn't want to live with the anxiety that would cause me. I also wouldn't find him attractive anymore.

Of course some will shout "Homophobic" from the rooftops, but guess what, I can decide who is in my bed, for any reason I like.

I suspect the love bombing a few weeks later was trauma bonding.

You say this is a huge part of your identity, which makes me think that you can't abstain forever, from exploring that side of yourself. So yes, I would be out.

I would have no issue with a friend, sibling, child being gay/lesbian/bi
Live and let live.
But if a spouse told me after years of marriage that they were Gay or Bi I would be concerned. If they had been in Gay relationship that they hid from me prior to getting married I would feel deceived. If this was a new revelation that they were only just identifying in themselves I would expect telling me means they want to experiment and explore that identity and therefore was no longer in a committed relationship with me. I would suspect they had already been unfaithful

Have to admit if my husband told me he was Bi I would be worried he was seeking to explore that other side of him.

After 15 years of marriage my DH came out to me as bi not that long ago. He’d really only understood it about himself a few days before he told me. In the late 90s/early 00s sexuality wasn’t discussed as much and was seen as far less fluid than it is now. I’m glad he told me in one way and in another I wish he hadn’t. It has been very difficult for me to get my head round and I haven’t really come to terms with it yet. It’s affected our sex life as I feel a bit like I’m on an unsteady foundation now. I thought I knew what he/ we were and now I’m not so sure. He’s been very good at answering my questions and I don’t believe he would be unfaithful to me.

I think OP’s DH isn’t behaving well and I don’t think giving ammo to someone (his mum) he must know will weaponise the information is at all kind. His prurience and possessiveness over OP’s physical self shows he’s not managing himself or this new version of his DW he’s been introduced to at all well. It’s not an excuse but I do get how it shakes the very foundation of a marriage even when, logically (they’re not going to cheat, so what’s the problem?!), it shouldn’t.

He's not love bombing you. He's being a Tomcat and pissing all over what he perceived is his territory.

God the homophobia and biphobia on here is awful. Op I'm a bi woman. But my partner is aware, although it wasn't something I made a big fuss of telling him when we first met. If we split up I may well have another relationship with a woman. That's all it means.

Being bisexual or even admitting to being bisexual doesn't mean you're automatically going to cheat.

It’s been heavily implied by many posters. It’s all ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’. I think that attitude can fuck right off.

Why did the OPs husband think she’d kissed women in the past if she wasn’t at least bicurious? To titillate men?

It’s more like telling your dark haired partner that you’re strongly attracted to blondes, or your short partner that you fancy tall men. Doesn’t need to be shared.

WTF did you have to tell him? If my husband decided to tell me he was bi then I wouldn’t be impressed that that had only just come up in conversation. I’d also not know what to do because I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who is bi and homophobic or not I don’t relish the idea of my husband being attracted to men!

I assume your husband feels the same and you need to respect that.

You should have thought more about the consequences before you dropped this on him.

I think you really need to speak to a professional.

You say you thought your husband knew you were bi when he met you....but than you also said you felt the need to 'come out' to him. It can't be both things?

Also I get why you would want to be your authentic self - but I think you really need to work out what on a subconscious level you wanted by 'coming out' - I mean if you are in a committed sexual relationship what difference did you think it would make? I mean this for you to work out I am not questioning your validity.

Also, I get why this might be a shock to him and he is thinking if you are in a committed sexual relationship why are you mentioning this to him....but his reaction was pretty worrying and I think there is another issue there to work through. Regardless of the subject matter him choosing to speak to his mum about this and not respect your wishes is a huge red flag.

How would you feel if your heterosexual dp told you they were bi after being with them for years?

Yes, I think it does.

The thought of having sex with a woman, makes me feel physically sick. I'm not sure I could do it for a million quid!

@Scorchioo Were you honest with him before getting married that you had kissed other women? This is something I would have wanted to know about my spouse before getting married.

If I put myself in your DH’s shoes….if my DH had kissed men before our marriage, didn’t tell me before we got married, and then told me he was bi (but had no intention of hooking up w/ a man because he is married to me), I would feel VERY insecure, rightly or wrongly. I would be feeling all kinds of doubts.

Obviously if he's being homophobic and being horrible to you that's not ok, but I wouldn't blame the man for being a bit shocked and wanting to ask you lots of questions and needing to process the news a bit.

Also if you've told him this off the back of someone else in the family leaving a relationship and coming out maybe he's feeling really worried and insecure in that context.

Completely understand the talking to his mum issue from both sides, it's not ok to out someone when they've asked you not to, but on the other hand if something sent me into a spin my mum is who I'd want to talk to.

I see 2 sides to this. I can see why he might have been concerned. If my partner had told me he fancies men, I might wonder if he was going to act on what he’d told me.

That said, what you’ve described of his response is a bit concerning. Confiding in his mum when he knows she might use it against you almost seems like deliberately punishing you, to me. Then the graphic language. Are there other ways in which he’s not the nicest, or do you simply put his reaction down to what you told him?

Your husband's response is unpleasant.
Bi phobia/homophobia writ large.
I suspect your experience is not uncommon amongst bi people unfortunately.
Ultimately it's probably more palatable to partners to know these things at the beginning of the relationship if it's important to both parties to know this stuff. But not everyone has that degree of self knowledge and it can change over time.
Personally I don't feel the need to share everything about me, but a person's sexual identity is important.
Don't let him bully you about this.

I voted YABU because I don't understand why you thought it relevant to tell your DH about your past bisexuality. Presumably you are married and now 'off the market' so it's largely irrelevant unless this thread is going to drip feed into how you want your DH to cross-dress 😂
You telling your DH is about as relevant as me telling my DH I used to love men with long hair and bikers leathers when he is nothing like that. It's irrelevant and he doesn't need to know unless he asks first.

I'd be annoyed if my husband/wife suddenly announced a new sexuality, you're supposed to disclose this thing before marriage. Maybe he's concerned you want to act on it?