To have just had enough of the way that husband reacts to my input in conversations?

[pebblesssss]

I am raging typing this, I've just had enough. I think it's years of being completely fucking fuming building up. Whenever we're having a conversation about ANYTHING my comments are always dismissed. Like whatever the topic is. An example- we were trying to figure out something on DC's Nintendo last week, I said press that button (he wouldn't let me touch it obvs- fucking control freak), just met with a no, it's not going to be that is it, honestly I'll sort it just leave me to sort it. Like mate you didn't have a fucking clue either. Told him to piss off and walked off. He later said sorry but I'm being too sensitive as it was just a game. But it's not just a fucking game it's EVERYTHING I BLOODY SAY.

By the way, the button I told him to press was infact correct.

Onto more serious things. We were discussing the sale of our car. I said he needed to remind the potential buyer that the car is still in use so mileage will increase by the time it's sold next month. He looks like a dynamite ready to go off whenever I'm talking. He just said ok ok ok yeah I got it ok, ALL the way through me talking. It's fucking infuriating. Cuts me off every time.

We were speaking about the tragic events in Palestine which I'm quite passionate about. Told my opinion was wrong, that I didn't really know what I was talking about BUT it's ok to have a view BUT then just reminded me it's the wrong view. I just walked upstairs and went to bed.

He asked me why can't we speak about anything without it ending in an argument. Because mate, you WONT LET ME FUCKING SPEAK. if I want to say something important I have to think of how I'm going to quickly phrase it and spit it out in 5 seconds flat or he interrupts me and gives his view instead.

I can't stand it anymore I feel like I'm going to explode. I'm also pregnant with our 3rd child and I don't know how much more I can take. There's no respect for me I'm sick of it.

AIBU to feel this way? Am I being over sensitive?

The moment you have to bring a sodding stick out to be respected in your home is when you know your marriage is over

Sounds like he doesn't respect you at all, I couldn't live with someone that talks over me, I'd rip my own arm off to beat them most likely.

The car mileage issue is not the point. The car belongs to her as much as him and she should be able to express an opinion on the sale without being rudely dismissed or made to feel stupid.

If he won’t go to couples counseling look into books for yourself on non violent communication and better communication. Not because this consistent mis communication is your fault but because he is not motivated to change his behavior so you have to change yours.

I think “how to talk so children rewill listen, how to listen so children will talk” might have good strategies. I also think there is some good information in Deborah Tannen books on male vs female speech. Its obvious that on some level he interprets team speech/problem solving speech as a competitive disadvantage to him. Like if you add something to the conversation he loses power. You need to get him to recognize this pattern is a problem before he will change.

I can't understand all these posters who would be driven crazy by their spouse saying "I think you should tell the buyer there will be a significant increase in mileage in the next month" I mean why would that be so annoying? You'd reply "yeah good idea" or "didn't think of that" or "I don't think we really need to" If you would start talking over your partner and interrupting them and looking like a stick of dynamite about to go off because you didn't think their conversation meets your high standard, then you are as rude as the OP's husband.

Do people really not have conversations with their spouses where they sometimes say the bleeding obvious? do you all get really annoyed if your spouse says something you already know? Can't imagine navigating that on a day to day basis. It would be exhausting and unpleasant for everyone in the house.

OP, he is rude and full of himself. Sometime when you haven't just had an argument sit down and ask him to stay quiet for 2 minutes while you say something and then tell him he talks over you, he is contemptuous of your opinions and conversation and you simply cannot stand it anymore. What is he going to do about it?

Genuine question, not trying to be goady or snide, but how do you end up married and three kids deep when it doesn't sound like you even like eachother? When was the last time you can recall where you both weren't irritated by just the sound of each other speaking?

I'm really not trying to be rude but I just don't understand how people let relationships like this drag on. It sounds awful and tedious and stressful for you (and your kids tbh!), maybe I'm just too sensitive and the type to end a relationship over things others would suffer through, but I couldn't live like this!

Has he always been so rude? Is it more recent? I'd have to be blunt and say (in five seconds of course lest you be interrupted) "it's couples counselling so we can learn to communicate, or divorce".

@Tomatina I did say his behaviour was unacceptable.

But in general, I do think that your spouse should be able to tell you when they find your behaviour frustrating. Being in a relationship doesn't mean you have to find all of someone's foibles endearing and tolerable.

Thanks everyone who's replied. As a previous poster has stated, it really isn't about the car mileage comment being dismissed, it's the constant dismissive behaviour and the fact I can't ever add anything to a conversation. It's draining.

@MonsteraMama I genuinely wish I could answer this comment. We did love each other madly once upon a time. I don't know where it went, nor can I pin point where it all turned to shit to be honest. All I can say is there was love on our wedding day, love when we brought our babies home. And pretty much every day in between. I think it's more about what someone can cope with, I do remember him being like this sometimes in our 20's, just not as frequent. But maybe I ignored it because there was so much love... maybe there's not all that much anymore 😔

I can't understand all these posters who would be driven crazy by their spouse saying "I think you should tell the buyer there will be a significant increase in mileage in the next month" I mean why would that be so annoying?

To me, it's because it comes across as patronising and infantilising. It either implied that he's too stupid to realise the mileage would go up, or implies that the buyer is too stupid to realise it either.

I mean, if I was selling a car, I wouldn't think to message a buyer to say "the mileage will change as we'll still be using it daily until it sells" - I'd have thought that was common sense and not something that needs to be spelt out.

Other people wouldn't mind having it spelt out to them - we're all different.

Of course his behaviour is wrong and he shouldn't be rude or dismissive, but maybe he just finds that kind of behaviour incredibly frustrating.

I know its hard to do but what happens when you say just that to him?

”There was so much love when we started out! We had so much fun—I fancied the pants off you and it seemed we could talk about anything and nothing. Now it feels like you can barely be polite to me. Everything I say is treated as unimportant or wrong. What do you think we can do to bring back the love? Frankly: I would like to start with your letting me speak my mind without getting angry and shutting me down.”

Just another though that's come to mind - how much time do you spend together and do either of you get a chance to go out and do something "for you"?

My DH is extremely intelligent, but lacks basic emotional intelligence. Because of his academic intelligence he has a superior attitude to everyone, including me!

I've had it out with him a few times. I honestly feel there might be some autistic traits there. It is draining to never have your opinion respected. Never mind an opinion is just that, an opinion.

We are currently in the process of separating.

This! I would want to say the same about the car mileage and I would like my partner not to treat me like I was stupid or annoying over it. Does he ever say sorry for anything? Or is it always if you had expressed it differently or at a different time then he would have understand or been OK with it. And what happens if you talk over him?

But I don't think that's by any means a given, that academic intelligence goes along with a superior attitude. Virtually everyone I know has multiple postgraduate degrees. No one thinks they're cleverer than anyone else, because it's normal.

Some people struggle to accept people they love are separate from them- that they know things and think things that are different.

You see it often in parents, they take ages to accept their DC has a mind- a life- of their own.

It isn’t always ill intentioned but it does need addressing.

I just say, ‘You’re doing that thing again!’.
If you raise it in the moment when you are cross, it feels like an attack and an accusation. Better to raise it as a stand alone issue- ‘When I make a suggestion or have an idea, you talk over me and tell me I’m wrong. Even if I were always wrong, that would be rude.’

I avoid doing things like fixing the game machine at the same time- it’s micromanaging and doesn’t take two. Leave him to it, save some stress. If he doesn’t manage it, have a go then.

Contempt is the biggest relationship killer there is. I know that the stereotype on here is people saying LTB at the smallest thing. I don't think you should necessarily break up with him over this. I do think if it continues and gets worse eventually your relationship will end however. Which will be a shame for the children, and for you if you want the relationship to continue. I suspect he either doesn't know or care how frustrating you find this (and there is nothing more maddening long term than not being listened to. It isn't just you). You do need to get across to him how serious this is/how annoying you find it. I know you said he wouldn't consider couples counselling. And its hard to tell him how the not listening makes you feel when he doesn't listen to you. Maybe try a moment when you aren't talking about anything else to say what you have said here. What Pikkummy wrote sounds good. And if he doesn't give you a chance write it down. You really need to emphasize that this is a threat to your relationship I think, and that counselling is actually needed. I don't mean threaten to break up with him. Just be clear that the situation is killing your relationship because it is.
If he still refuses to listen/take your concerns seriously then in 1/10/15 years there will be another man complaining about his wife just left him out of the blue even though she never told him she was unhappy.

I wasn't talking about people in general, I was talking about him specifically.. "because of his academic intelligence he has a superior attitude".

He thinks he knows better than everyone. Including me.

I'm pretty intelligent myself btw 😉. I don't have that same superior attitude he has.

It's one of the reasons we are currently in the process of separating. I've given it 20+ years. I've definitely tried. But there comes a point where you realise you're just being worn down by someone who can't ever change or even appreciate another point of view.

Failing that, every single time he interrupts you just stop what you are doing and physically walk away from the conversation. Its less confrontational/likely to escalate then staying and losing your temper/trying to talk over him. But if he thinks its petty for you to be upset because its "just a game/just dinner/whatever" he can't complain that his thoughts on "just a game/dinner/whatever" are being delivered to an empty room.

Are you having these spats in front of the children?

To me, it's because it comes across as patronising and infantilising. It either implied that he's too stupid to realise the mileage would go up, or implies that the buyer is too stupid to realise it either.

I'm married 30 years and very early on I realised I could think the worst of everything my dh did or said or I could presume he is doing his best and mostly isn't trying to be patronising/infantalising or any other thing - I could give him the benefit of the doubt because he is a decent man and I married him because I like him. It made life much easier and nicer to actually presume the best of my husband than leap to the worst. Yeah sometimes I may say "Mr. Pallisers: specialised subject the bleeding obvious" but I wouldn't say it with contempt.

Leaping to the conclusion that the OP is being patronising or infantalising for making a perfectly pertinent comment is a problem in itself - even if he hadn't talked over her and tried to shut her up.

Leaping to the conclusion that the OP is being patronising or infantalising for making a perfectly pertinent comment is a problem in itself - even if he hadn't talked over her and tried to shut her up.

I mean, like I said, I don't agree with his behaviour and it's no excuse for being rude, but some people do really struggle with feeling talked down to.

My dad's similar. It's know-it-all-ism+infantilizing+a dash of misogyny.

Visited over Christmas. Discovered their oven broke down and doesn't work properly, doesn't heat up, so if you want to roast something, you have to wack it up to the highest temp. It won't burn your dish, just gently roast it then. Dad wasn't home, showed it to mum. Mum said 'ah, yes, I can see what you mean'; we roasted our stuff, job done, no drama.

Next day dad went to cook something. I told him to whack the temp to the max, explained everything. He listened, put the temp to 180 and sat to wait. One hour into 'cooking' he opened the oven to discover the dish completely raw, the same as it went in. Cranked the temp up a bit more. Checked again - same. Then whacked it all the way up and finally cooked his food. Came over to mum and me with 'you know what? oven's broken, so if you want to cook smth you have to whack the heat all the way up you know!'. Me: . . . . .

His grass trimmer broke down. It just so happened I knew how to fix it. Did he let me? Did he fuck. Ran around like a headless chicken, tried to do it himself, then asked a (MALE) neighbour, then phoned a (MALE) friend, then went to buy some part. Whilst he was gone, I fixed the thing, it was a simple little fix.

And many other examples.

It's infuriating. My dad doesn't do it maliciously, he doesn't hate me or anything, we do get along and he's not always annoying (usually perfectly nice and lovely), but arghhhhh.

I couldn't live like this.

Sounds like the love and respect has gone and neither of you like one another very much. Sorry to be harsh.

Assuming you're not looking to end things with a third baby on the way, I'd implore to him how important couples counselling is. Otherwise you will both just be miserable and angry for the rest of your lives.

God help you OP, he sounds like an utter moron.
Maybe start a running away fund, I think you are going to need it down the line.

I don't think your comment about the mileage was unreasonable.

OP, is there anything you like about him?