Shamed for formula feeding

[Gemmy96]

I exclusively formula feed my child as I literally do not produce breast milk-- at all. None, not a hint of it. I tried for days after my child was born but ultimately realised I was missing out on making memories while I was attached to a pump and decided exclusive formula feeding was best for the whole family.

MIL and certain other family members know this and still put pressure on me to go to breastfeeding groups like la leche even though I've made it clear that I'm not interested. I'm being sent articles and videos about why breastfeeding is a better choice (let's pretend it's always a choice!) than formula feeding. I'm getting rude comments when I mention how much formula my child is drinking per feed.

I don't think IBU for formula feeding, but I think I might be overreacting to their behaviour. AIBU given that these people might just be concerned about what's best for my child?

Honestly take them out for lunch and then whilst you are waiting point at every adult and ask the in-laws if that adult was breastfed or formula fed. Watch them squirm and then ask why does it concern them to talk about your body parts as if they are public property?

wet nurses were to do with societal views on women breastfeeding, rather than an actual need.

That's actually bollocks.

I don't even want to get into what happened when mothers couldn't produce enough and couldn't access wet nurses.

Support?
I was pestered by maternity midwifes and by visiting midwifes at home about benefits of breastfeeding although at thst point I told them clearly that I feed with a mix of expressed milk and formula.
You know what maternity midwife did?
Squashed my first babies head against my boob and did not let go as "baby will start eating that way".
My baby was frantically trying to get out of her grip and get some air.
She did not back off after I told her to let him go so I had to push her to jump out of that bed curtain you have.
Cow never returned tho 😏

I tried for 3 weeks until baby and I were beside ourselves with misery and it got no better at all. She inhaled that first bottle while I sobbed with shame for starving her. After the first few days my milk gradually disappeared. After my first baby I had milk for 27 days, then I menstruated and the milk had gone within the week. We don't all have textbook bodies

I pushed for a breast clinic referral after my first when preparing for our second pregnancy. If I’m honest, other than the ultrasound scan confirming my minimal glandular tissue it wasn’t that helpful - the nurse consultant running the clinic hadn’t heard of IGT and didn’t really appreciate my concerns.

I got as far as initial conversations with hearts milk bank re donor milk, but then Covid hit and that was the end of that. I’d have considered human milk for human babies but I was concerned re hygiene and uncertainty of supply. My son ended up losing even more weight than my daughter and as soon as we gave him formula at day 5, passed a load of meconium that had been sitting in his gut since birth. He was getting nothing from me. At no point did midwives suggest formula - I dread to think what would have happened if we’d listened.

Also, I had pretty much all the physical markers for it:
-Wide set pointy boobs with no fullness - stopped growing at 13 and didn’t develop further
-Stretchmarks on boobs in absence of growth
-No breast changes in pregnancy
-No letdown
-No engorgement
-Puffy areolae

Not great really. I detest my pointless boobs and just wish there was more awareness and understanding of the condition.

These family members should be blocked until they start behaving.

Can’t believe some of the gaslighting bellends on this thread as well.

I couldn’t produce enough colostrum for DC1, he never ever latched despite best efforts, and i couldn’t produce nearly enough milk through pumping.

I decided not to even try with DC2. I did spend hours and days before the birth trying to express colostrum. It only satisfied half of her first feed. She was starving. We’re all happy on formula. I have to say also that many of my friends’ kids who were breastfed are constantly ill, so i’ sceptical of benefits.

We are so lucky we can support our babies. We have healthy children . nothing else matters.

please don’t allow anyone tell you, or believe, that anything other than fed is not a total success . Motherhood is hard enough without seeking perfection .

ffs Whose definition of perfection are we holding ourselves up to???? And do they really matter as you look into the eyes of your happy, fed baby

My mention of gaslighting was not in reference to benefits of bf vs ff. It was in reference to the downplaying of lack of supply, claiming it’s rare etc.

Sorry this is happening to you.

I had the same experience and remember desperately pumping and being told by midwives that my "milk will come in tomorrow" for weeks and weeks. It ruined the beginning of my maternity leave.

What's best for your child is that (a) they are fed and (b) you are happy, healthy and able to care for them. That's formula feeding for many of us.

I'd cut contact with them if possible. At least for a while.

The "good" news is that when baby starts solids there will be all other kinds of pressures about their eating habits (purees, solids, baby-led weaning, bottles, nutrients, iron levels, fish, etc etc) and the BF/FF decision will be totally forgotten!

Thanks. I'll push for an ultrasound if we're lucky enough to have a second pregnancy. I have some markers but not all. I just want to know, if we have a second, whether I should get support and go all guns blazing to try and breastfeed or accept that it's never going to work for me. At least next time I'll be prepared rather than believing the NHS "everyone can breastfeed" lie!

When you look into the benefits of breastfeeding... I mean REALLY look into it, it's just a pile of crap with people quoting things like nipple confusion at each other for so long it becomes and accepted truth.
Look up an organisation called infant feeding alliance on twitter - a group of mums and medics. They are brilliant.
When people sent me / suggested stuff like that I'd (perhaps childishly) say oh I've been meaning to say , here's a number for my hairdresser when they were like "huh why?" I'd say "oh I'm sorry I thought we were giving each other unsolicited advice".

I’ve had the reverse from my in-laws. I breastfeed and had the first 4 months being harassed and hounded to bully me into formula feeding because that’s what they felt was the best choice.

It appears no matter what choice you make for you and your child, if it’s different to what other people have done, there’s a problem.

Your body, your baby, your choice. You’re the mother and doing what is right for you and your child.

Let them see how you and your little one are thriving be the only answer they’re going to get. Just don’t respond to those messages and let your partner deal with his family.

Don't let anyone bully you like this especially while you're postpartum.

Is this Cowlover87 under a different name again? The person who turns up on every thread related to formula or breastfeeding and does nothing but shame everyone. I suspect it is you.

Ah yes you’re right. I’ve just read back through her other posts on this thread and she talks/spells in exactly the same way as cowlover. I’ll report as I believe she is banned.

I recognised her too 😅

"Give up" is such inflammatory language and said from a place of ignorance. My personal experience was my uterus hemorrhaging, EMCS, blood transfusions, sepsis, ICU and not getting to hold baby for days...in addition to inverted nipples and sod all breast growth. She never latched once and no colostrum despite midwifes trying to express. I swear I wasn't made to produce babies!! Even with my planned c section, when baby latched, nothing was coming out- my nipples scabbed over and got infected so I expressed for 4 months and the most I got in a whole day was 1 oz. I've just got rubbish boobs....but at least I'm not a judgmental gas lighter so I won't lose any sleep over that!

I have to agree, I do not like people saying "give up" like women just couldn't be bothered.