Shamed for formula feeding

[Gemmy96]

I exclusively formula feed my child as I literally do not produce breast milk-- at all. None, not a hint of it. I tried for days after my child was born but ultimately realised I was missing out on making memories while I was attached to a pump and decided exclusive formula feeding was best for the whole family.

MIL and certain other family members know this and still put pressure on me to go to breastfeeding groups like la leche even though I've made it clear that I'm not interested. I'm being sent articles and videos about why breastfeeding is a better choice (let's pretend it's always a choice!) than formula feeding. I'm getting rude comments when I mention how much formula my child is drinking per feed.

I don't think IBU for formula feeding, but I think I might be overreacting to their behaviour. AIBU given that these people might just be concerned about what's best for my child?

Haven't read the whole thread, but tell me where they are op and I will fight them for you 😂

Formula / breast feeding shaming is the cuntiest thing. I've fed in a variety of ways and none of them are perfect. I found pumping (allegedly sooooo hard) way easier than breastfeeding as my babies were TT and I have a very fast let down. Nobody has any right to judge how you feed your baby unless you are either starving them or feeding them something completely inappropriate .

IMO we should all just be grateful that bottles and formula are so readily available here, for anyone who can’t BF, or who finds it too painful or difficult. Plenty of mothers elsewhere in the world aren’t so lucky.

That's so out of order! Feed your baby how you like. I feel like you can't win either way. I breast fed my son and MIL was constantly telling me he needs formula. I don't know why people are so interested in how we feed our babies?

I exclusively formula feed my child.

This is a full sentence. No need to add the justification at the end. That is YOUR choice, for YOUR body and YOUR baby. It has naff all to do with anyone else.
FWIW I can produce breast milk but 2 babies later, I choose not to. I always knew even before conceiving that this would be the case. I don't and will never feel guilty or ashamed about that.

it is extremely rare for someone to actually not have any milk, as in the OP situation.

This. Did the doctors offer you anything? Domperidone?

Your family should not be sending you things/guilting you. But its extremely rare to produce no breastmilk. Its far more common to get nothing pumping - lots of women don't respond at all to a pump but feed a baby fine.

I'm in the same boat OP.

I was completely exhausting myself as I was adamant I wanted to breast feed but I was only pumping out not even a tablespoonful of milk, and that was one breast. I was getting nothing from the other. So I started to combo feed and just adding the small bit to one of his bottles. It just got to a bit I was mentally tearing myself apart for not being able to do it. I've seen the breast feeding nurse a few times and she felt terrible for me as I got so upset.

Now he is only formula fed. Going through a growth spurt at the moment and sometimes will drink 240mls instead of the normal 90-120! My midwife said this is totally normal and he will calm down again. As long as he's not vomiting as that's when you know he's had too much.

Ignore the people who have opinions on how to feed your baby. There is always going to be negative opinions on everything you do when you've had a baby. Mine range from using wet wipes instead of water to what I dress him in. I've found that personally, nobody really cares about the mum after you've had the baby and it's always about what is best for baby etc etc.

Hang in there... you are doing an amazing job mummy xxx

On the domperidone suggestion above, please check out this article of today that warns against the severe mental health side effects it can have. https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/article/2024/may/30/the-darkest-period-of-my-life-i-struggled-to-breastfeed-then-a-drug-sent-me-spiralling

Oh and agreed there should be far more awareness of how normal it is for a newborn to only have tiny volumes of colostrum for 3-5 days before milk fully comes in. My DC initially lost weight then my milk came in and he gained 1lb a week!! I was so grateful my midwife didn't panic at all and just encouraged me.

I was adamant I wanted to breast feed but I was only pumping out not even a tablespoonful of milk, and that was one breast.
Just purely out of curiosity, is there a reason you were judging your breast milk output on pumping? Its not really a good well to tell. Its better to judge on wet nappies etc.

1 tbsp per breast is completely normal in the first few days. A newborn has a stomach the size of a marble.

Surely this is an inlaws issue, not a feeding issue?

FWIW my MIL and SIL were the opposite - judging me for breastfeeding. They also judged me for "too much cuddling" and "not putting that baby down".

Some people just think their way is the only way 🤷🏻‍♀️

Ignore them or tell them "this is what works for me" and shut them down.

If it's any consolation op, women can't win. I combi fed my newborn for various reasons - it worked really well and I was happy. However I had to endure my mil refering to me as a "milking cow" and implying I was denying people chances to bond. I was also asked to bf my baby in a corner at a baby group because FF mum's would find it "triggering" and like I was "shaming" them despite me never ever talking about it.

Oh and another lady at a different baby group saw me bottle feeding and began telling me I should bf to reduce risk of sids.

For some reason people go mental about how mums feed their babies. It's really strange and I'll never really understand it.

Congratulations on your baby and keep making those memories - don't let the bastards get you down! Xx

I was told by a midwife that if my baby didn't start gaining weight then we'd have to go back into the hospital. I formula fed from then on and also got the comments etc. My mum spent a lot of money on a pump that did absolutely nothing in an effort to get me to breastfeed 🙄it felt like everyone thought i hadnt tried hard enough and was copping out. Now I just feel angry about it all and guilty that I didn't give him formula sooner. My poor baby must have been so hungry. Ignore them all op 💐

Ignore them all, you make the decision that is best for you and your baby in your circumstances, shut it down. You also have to protect your mental health.

I’d also be speaking to my DH to tell them to back off

They sound like really horrible people to be doing that. Having said that I’ve seen the opposite where a friends mother though breast feeding was disgusting and made her go to her bedroom in her own house so as not to do it in front of her.

"Shamed" is an interesting word here. Either you're feeling a misplaced sense of shame just because of social disapproval (like people who feel shame over being gay), or there is something here you know is wrong on some level that you are ashamed about (like people shamed on social media for their terrible parking). If you know in your heart that you are completely without blame in something, how can someone make you feel shame?

Welcome to motherhood, where everyone you know (and a fair few people you don't know) think it's absolutely ok to give their opinions on every parenting choice.

It starts with milk, but there will be comments on sleep, behaviour, snacks, screen time, haircuts.

Perfect the art of "this is what works for us".

Some people think they are being helpful. Some love to be annoying.

Enjoy your baby.

I mean do they expect you to just starve your child instead?!

The reason for you not breastfeeding is actually irrelevant as its not anyone's business but the woman. I think I would have to say something to them. Or if its in-laws get your partner to tell them to back off.

A new, first time mother whose hormones are through the roof can absolutely feel shame. Whether it be their fault, or in the OPs case, not..

They are totally overstepping. I formula fed both my children after running into severe breastfeeding problems straight away. This would have upset me back then. Breast feeding is amazing but formula does the job extremely well.
I would ask your husband to directly speak to mother in law and ask her to stop immediately.
Also, don't engage in any conversations about feeding with these relatives.

Do you think it's coming from a good place (they know you wanted to breastfeed so are trying to be 'supportive') or do they have a habit of overstepping and interfering? Either way, if this is frequent, this needs to be nipped in the bud as they might be like this with every decision or outcome (like they might send articles about the harm of putting kids in nursery if you go back to work). I'd get my partner to speak to them. If its just once or twice I'd just ignore or respond wirh a thumbs up and change the subject

@amijustbeingsuspicious
You clearly think this is some kind of ‘gotcha!’, but it really isn’t. In countries where formula is unavailable, babies will be fed by a family member or other close member of the community with a baby. More pregnancies, longer periods of BF, more women with milk. Or they’ll die, bluntly. As another person who never produced more than a trickle of milk and who had hormone tests from the GP, advice from midwife, HV, La Leche League peer supporters and BF cafe, an NCT BF specialist AND a paid lactation consultant, AND who continued to pump and put my baby regularly to the best for two months, AND used a supplemental nursing system, I find the inference pretty insulting. Clearly my first world body didn’t get the memo that everyone can do this

Very well put @Divilabit, as soon. As I read the OP I knew somebody would trot out the above 🙄

I would very clearly tell them that I am the mother and it is my choice. No reasons or explanations needed and that while they are entitled to their opinion you have no interest n hearing it and the sending of articles and website links stops right now if they wish to continue to spend time with you and your baby.