Shamed for formula feeding

[Gemmy96]

I exclusively formula feed my child as I literally do not produce breast milk-- at all. None, not a hint of it. I tried for days after my child was born but ultimately realised I was missing out on making memories while I was attached to a pump and decided exclusive formula feeding was best for the whole family.

MIL and certain other family members know this and still put pressure on me to go to breastfeeding groups like la leche even though I've made it clear that I'm not interested. I'm being sent articles and videos about why breastfeeding is a better choice (let's pretend it's always a choice!) than formula feeding. I'm getting rude comments when I mention how much formula my child is drinking per feed.

I don't think IBU for formula feeding, but I think I might be overreacting to their behaviour. AIBU given that these people might just be concerned about what's best for my child?

I honestly can't believe some awful people are so judgemental and vocal about this. I did what the fuck I liked and no-one batted an eyelid.
It just doesn't matter.

Same, can't believe people like this exist

Shut down the comments now. Or actually get your partner to shut down the comments. If they pick at this, which you have no control over and even if you did, isn’t up for debate by anyone but the mother, then they’re going to pick up and challenge every parenting choice you make.

”MIL, I have told you it hasn’t worked for me. Not only are you being rude to keep pressing this issue but you are also being cruel as you know this is something I have control over. My breasts are no concern of yours and how I feed my child is no concern of yours. Going forward, DH and I will be making decisions over our child that you may not agree with. This is because things may have moved on since you had your children or just because it feels like the approach that best suits us as a family. Quite simply though, you have two choices quietly dislike them but respect our choices or don’t be involved.”

Your decision on how to feed, FF, BF, mixed, whatever, is yours and yours alone, and anyone who judges you for it isn't worth your time OP

However, I do think it is a bit sad that there are already two different women on this thread stating that they had to stop BFing as they didn't produce any milk for the first 2 days PP. This is completely, absolutely biologically normal for humans. Human milk may "come in" anywhere from 2 days PP to 4 or 5 days PP, all completely normal variations. I do not think its sad these women didn't BF, as you need to do whatever is best for you, but rather that it's sad you weren't given the support and education by the NHS to recognise that not producing mature milk at 2 days PP is absolutely fine and isn't necessarily an indication that you can't or won't produce mature milk later on. If the NHS allegedly wants to support increasing BF rates they need to support women better in the early postnatal period, who want to BF but are worried why their milk hasn't come in yet, will their baby starve until their milk does come in etc. Of course there is every possibility a woman whose milk hasn't come in at 2 days PP does genuinely have no or very limited capability to produce milk, but this is extremely rare, and far more often the case is there is nothing actually wrong other the woman being mistakenly being told that not producing milk in the early PP period is abnormal

I am another one who never got a proper supply. I could breastfeed, but not enough for my son to gain weight properly. I had a lactation consultant and amazing support from my mam (a retired midwife) but I just didn't make enough milk, despite doing everything I was supposed to do and taking all the supplements and then battling through a blocked duct/early mastitis. I was lucky that I made enough to combi-feed for a while and even luckier that formula was available and helped my son thrive. When pumping, my milk would stop after 5-10 minutes, there was nothing left, it would take a while for them to "refill" no matter what I did.

5-10% of women are physically unable to breastfeed. That's up to one in ten of us. Were any of you told that in the antenatal classes? I know I wasn't. It's shit that we are made to feel like we are doing something wrong, it can just happen.

@LoftyTurtle it's not extremely rare but women just aren't told that. I tried and combi fed for 4 months despite my struggles. I felt like a failure, I wish I had known it was a possibility beforehand as I might have not put so much pressure on myself.

I do agree that better supports are needed though.

If its stressing you out I would stop visiting. Your baby is fed. You're both happy. That's all that matters.
I formula fed my eldest 2.
I'm planning on breastfeeding the one I'm carrying but I'm not putting pressure on myself. If anything my in laws seem annoyed by it as they can't feed little one themselves. You can't please them all. Enjoy your little one and ignore the rest. Not their baby not their choice.

I doubt that poor people could have afforded wet nurses.

In (I forget which) Antony Trollope novel, one of his characters is a Lady Arabella who ‘can’t’ breastfeed. “The ladies Arabella never can. They have bosoms for show, but not for use.”

Though having said that, I do firmly believe that some people are genuinely unable, or have great difficulty. I did BF, but was never a bountiful producer, whereas my dd always had more than enough, with no problem at all.

This still happens? Wow.

Sorry didn't read all the thread.

It is extremely rare not to produce anything, much more common to not produce enough as in your case. But both need to be better educated/taught by the NHS so that women who want to BF both know what is normal, and also to know what isn't necessarily "normal" but is still quite common and therefore not to make themselves feel like a failure/disappointed/whatever if it doesn't go to plan as they hoped it would for them. So they don't end up in your situation, thinking they did something wrong or there's something wrong with them, when in actuality producing not enough milk is common, and mixed feeding is also common and many women do it successfully & it doesn't mean they didn't try hard enough or someshite like that

But it also goes hand in hand with the NHS shit education in general. Women feel like they're BFing "wrong" if it hurts in the early PP period. It will fucking hurt if you've never had a someone sucking on your nipples for hours on end. Then they think, oh no it hurts I'm doing it wrong, and feel terrible about it, and it becomes a vicious cycle etc.

This is the second thread where someone has felt judged for formula feeding.

both felt the need to mention they couldn’t bf, it wasn’t their choice.

personally, I think women need to stop justifying it. It’s nobody’s business whether you chose not to, or didn’t want to, or couldn’t.

when I was bf I used to get long tales of why someone was ff. mostly it was perfectly normal bf behaviour such as cluster feeding, waking in the night, frequent feeding, not being able to pump etc that they’d interpreted as “no milk”.
i once had someone proudly tell me they’d told a young mum in the next bed in hospital to formula feed because the baby cried a lot and it was “clear she didn’t have enough milk”. Another’s sister had a big baby and they’d all told her to ff because “everyone knows you can’t bf a 10lb baby”

i always thought that if I didn’t know this was normal and someone said all that to me I’d be thinking I had a supply issue too. I was the only person I knew that long term bf, everyone else had tried and “couldn’t”, which I knew the stats don’t bear out.

so imo much of the reason bf rates are so low is because these myths are still perpetuated by women telling each other why they can’t feed.

we have fought for choice. We should be able to bf or ff without judgement, and without having to justify why. It doesn’t matter if you’re that 1% that can’t, or you found it too sore, or too demanding, or you just plain didn’t want to.

o/p these people are idiots. Don’t be explaining or justifying, either ignore or tell them you’re FF, and either they shut up or go away.

@LoftyTurtle my midwife and NCT class told me that milk wouldn’t come in for 2-3 days but you would have colostrum in those first few days. I started producing colostrum about 17 hours after labour as I was sick throughout labour and needed to get food and drink back into my system.

My milk came in about 2 days later and I was up all night cluster feeding but DC’s latch wasn’t great so they weren’t pulling a lot down. However, the next day the midwife visited and DC had lost over 11% of the birth weight and we were over the threshold and had to be readmitted to hospital. I pumped as we were in A&E and got about 50ml, which felt like nothing but I now realise would have been more enough. My child was starving. They were very sleepy, they were showing signs of jaundice. The hospital admission then killed my supply but I continued trying to get it back for the next few weeks before I stopped. The ward was 90% full of women who were trying to breastfeed and whose babies were starving. Some babies can wait until a mother’s milk comes in but many can’t.

What we need to do, is not demonise formula feeding and let women know that the first few days you may need formula. It’s not just the fault of the NHS, we’ve lost the community infrastructure for supporting breastfeeding. It would have taken me 40 minutes in the car to get to a NCT support or la leche and it just wasn’t possible to do that drive on the feeding schedule we were on. Generally, as a society, we’ve lost the village to help us in the early days.

I really sympathise with you OP because I've had same the problem myself, used to be in tears at the hospital. My daughter is 18 years now and thriving at college. Please ignore the rude comments and do what is best for your baby.

Alas, for some of us being unable to BF isn’t a ‘myth’. I can assure you, it’s no fun being a medical mystery who put months into trying everything and was really hurt at a vulnerable time by needlessly hostile comments from strangers.

I’ve said this before on here under a long-past username — I’m a confident, socially-at ease person, but trying and failing to grow a supply was a exhausting, miserable and frustrating (for anyone who doesn’t know, a supplemental nursing system involves trying to provoke supply by hanging a bottle of formula around your neck and taping tubes down to your nipples so that the baby sucks and gets fed formula milk, in the hope that the sucking will trigger breastmilk in proper amounts, plus I had flat nipples so had to tape the tubes under nipple shields. And yes, for two months, every time I fed, I did this, at home or out, at any hour of the day or night, with a crying, hungry baby).

As I said, I’m no shrinking violet, and I shrug off peiole just being witless, but I will remember to my dying day crying in the loo in Gail’s in Muswell Hill because of a woman with a baby looking at my two month old DS and saying to her friend ‘Yes, you can always tell a FF baby because of that fat, puffy look they have’. And that wasn’t the only such remark.

YANBU at all, nor are you overreacting to their atrocious behaviour. At this point, I would be blunt and say that this is absolutely none of their business, you don't appreciate their comments or behaviour and if it doesn't stop immediately, you will block their numbers and will not see them face-to-face either.

Ignore them! Your baby is healthy and feeding that’s all that matters. I couldn’t produce enough milk so I had to give formula as well as breastfeed because my DC was a big baby and constantly hungry! There is nothing worse than people saying you should only breastfeed… so what the baby is hungry and doesn’t put on any weight?! It’s stupid and makes me so angry. A formula fed baby is better than a malnourished one. I’m sorry you’re going through this OP. There is so much pressure on mums to only breastfeed and it shouldn't be this way at all.

They are of course being absolutely ridiculous.

The thing I hate the most about this topic is that BF and FF moms are pitted against each other. I’ve seen both sides judged heavily by the other. I don’t get why it’s such an emotive topic - as someone else said you wouldn’t get the same extreme reactions when it comes to weaning and what you choose to feed your baby.

I managed to BF mine until she was nearly 2, but definitely don’t consider myself a part of this ‘breast is best mafia’ that people go on about.

I don’t know what is wrong with some people but the sooner you learn to give zero fucks the easier you’ll find it.

in my first pregnancy:

• I was harassed by virtual strangers for having an elective. One printed pamphlets to explain why I should give birth vaginally because it is “better”…. I had never actually met the woman?!?
• I got shit from breastfeeding women for only feeding to 4m - why wouldn’t I continue???
• my friend who had a baby was hounded by her MIL for hogging the baby by EBF until 18m

my second child I actually took medication to ensure I couldn’t breastfeed because I felt it best for me and my child.

i really don’t care what anyone has to say about my choices these days. I’m a great parent… I fundamentally know that to be true so it doesn’t impact me if people make comments or are PA about things like naps/food/ potty training/ whatever

This was me OP coupled with regularly leaving the home with the baby due to domestic violence

My god some of the comments I got

It almost drove me insane

One day I heard a lovely lady I used to work with tell us she had decided not to formula feed and it was no one's business why or why not and I instantly felt such a relief
She was the first person I met who did not judge it seemed

Look after your self and your precious child
Others can take a hike xxxxxxxx

To clarify, I didn’t say not being able to bf is a myth.

i said normal bf behaviour like cluster feeding, frequent feeding, and waking in the night are the “myths” that mean you don’t have enough milk.

my family all Ff. all of them were extremely concerned I didn’t have enough milk and my baby was starving because she wasn’t going 3-4 hours between feeds, and wasn’t sleeping through the night at 6 weeks. They genuinely thought I didn’t have enough milk.

than I had other mums telling me the same, that’s they “couldn’t” bf because the baby was feeding two hourly so they didn’t have enough. Or they couldn’t pump so “no milk”

had I listened and not sought expert help I probably would have thought I didn’t have enough as well. As my experiences were pretty much the same.

And sometimes, babies themselves just refuse to breast feed, but will guzzle formula down quite happily. My youngest was like this. He had his first feed from the breast, latched perfectly - and then refused point blank to ever again. Had he been my first baby, I would have caved to the intimidation of the midwives on the post-delivery ward - yes; I had intended to breast feed (my oldest was breast fed for 3 weeks, until my mother decided she was switching her to formula, so that she could feed her - I was 19 and my mother was quite strident, shall we say?), but the baby was turning his nose up and actually getting upset about the prospect. What good does that do anyone? My son wouldn't even take expressed breast milk in a bottle - he only wanted formula on his menu!

Breast isn't best for everyone.

Your MIL needs to mind her own business, because frankly, this falls under the umbrella of "your body, your choice", IMO.

Incidentally, my son is 19, 6'5, smart as the proverbial whip, and healthier than a lot of his lifelong friends whose mothers boast about having breast fed their babies.

Stand your ground, @Gemmy96 - find a mantra and just keep repeating it until they get the hint. At least with formula, you know your baby is getting enough nourishment at these early stages... but none of this is anyone's business but yours and baby's really.

They would be blocked by me

People should respect the choices a mother makes on BF and keep their opinions to themselves.