Shamed for formula feeding

[Gemmy96]

I exclusively formula feed my child as I literally do not produce breast milk-- at all. None, not a hint of it. I tried for days after my child was born but ultimately realised I was missing out on making memories while I was attached to a pump and decided exclusive formula feeding was best for the whole family.

MIL and certain other family members know this and still put pressure on me to go to breastfeeding groups like la leche even though I've made it clear that I'm not interested. I'm being sent articles and videos about why breastfeeding is a better choice (let's pretend it's always a choice!) than formula feeding. I'm getting rude comments when I mention how much formula my child is drinking per feed.

I don't think IBU for formula feeding, but I think I might be overreacting to their behaviour. AIBU given that these people might just be concerned about what's best for my child?

As my obgyn would say: "and as we know, a lot of babies died".

OP tell your DH this is not acceptable, also text your MIL "I don't need advice on feeding my child".
If she does not eespect that, block her.
Blocking people is amazing as they, in my experience, never ask why are they being blocked or mention it.

I've got suspected IGT too (never had it confirmed by scan but all the other signs were there). I got so sick and tired of NCT, midwives, HV, nurses and definitely MIL all telling me that everyone can breastfeed if they just try a bit harder. It is not true.

OP, you are right to be upset. You are the authority on your body and on what is best for your child and it is horrid of your family to attempt to make you doubt youself.

I think too many people 'give up' on breastfeeding before putting any real effort in.

Without a doubt, the milk your body produces is far better for your child than someone mass produced in a factory. It's simply a fact.

However, if you honestly think your mental health would be impacted then it makes sense why you decided to just formula feed.

Sorry to somewhat hijack the post, but how did you get IGT confirmed? I haven't been able to breastfeed my baby because she lost too much weight to start with and it may have been due to IGT (or a combination of things) but once we started on the formula I couldn't get anyone to care why baby hadn't got enough milk to start with. If we have any more children in future I'd like to know if breastfeeding is just not an option for me.

I find all the talk around breast and formula feeding really unhealthy. As long as your baby is loved, cared for and has enough to eat/drink it really shouldn't matter to anyone else.

Utter nonsense, she didn't give up. She is feeding her baby.

I agree with this. Conversations should go like this:

Midwife: How do you plan on feeding your baby?
Mother: Formula
Midwife: Ok cool, would you like some information on prep, how to sterilise bottles, how often and what to expect etc etc

OR

Midwife: How do you plan on feeding your baby?
Mother: From the breast
Midwife: Ok cool, would you like some information on what to expect? How colostrum works, what cluster feeding is etc etc

Both choices should be supported, but to be clear it is the mother’s choice.

Sending support to you OP. I understand as I was unable to produce enough breast milk to feed my children too, even when prescribed Domperidone. These things can be very emotional for us as mothers and it is disappointing you aren't getting the support you need from family. You are doing what is best for your baby.

This in spades.

OP, if they can't be civil, tell them to insert their opinions where the sun shineth not. Your little one is being loved, fed and cared for. You're a brilliant mum and need to be praised.

Look them in the eye and say 'Is this your child?' Did they come out of you? What's that you say, they didn't? Then mind your own business and back off.'

Our IVF consultant warned me about my PCOS and insulin resistance affecting milk supply when I got pregnant with DD1, so I chose to just FF. The midwives were not impressed, and I was put under a lot of pressure to change my mind and take the medication for it that made me ill. ‘But you’ll be stuck at home anyway establishing feeding, so it doesn’t matter how much diarrhoea Metformin gives you’ was my personal favourite comment. I was so defensive about feeding related comments at baby groups.

By the time DD2 came along I honestly didn’t give one shiny shit what anyone else thought and people clearly realised that and didn’t push the issue.

I’d definitely advise telling people firmly to mind their own business. Failing that, telling them to sod off might work.

I don't quite understand why so many pps think the op should tell them to eff off.

Firstly, they maybe heard from the op that she at first wanted to breastfeed and so honestly think they're trying to support her choice without realising that she has now fully changed her mind.

Secondly, it might just be misplaced concern. The same way that someone with cancer often has to put up with hearing about the miracle supplements/diet/homeopath/whatever. Those people are worried and scared and, yes, unhelpful, but not horrible human beings.

Thirdly, in the long term surely you want a positive relationship with these people. They will be your kid's grandparents, aunts, cousins etc. You might expect them to care about how your child is getting on at school, to send a card on birthdays, to do a bit of free babysitting now and then. So if you want them to love your child, you can't always pick and choose how that will manifest.

Sometimes the best thing is to nod and smile and then not take a blind bit of notice. Getting a link to a breastfeeding video is hardly something to get worked up over.

My observations are it’s often nothing to do with “effort”.

people “give up” because the correct advice is not out there, not enough women have bf so family and friends tend to undermine as they don’t know what’s normal. Hcp don’t have the time or expertise. They start with impossible pumping/feeding/top up regimes that are completely unsustainable, and actually detrimental to supply vs actually feeding. Women are told they need a break, to let others “help”, that they’re martyrs, hogging the baby etc.

women give up because they don’t get the support. They don’t know if it’s normal, or they’re starving their baby. Formula is known quantity, you can see baby is having enough, family, friends and hcp’s are all comfortable and knowledgeable about home many mls per age. It’s easier and simpler when you have no bf support.

until we manage to turn the tide and regain that societal expertise ff will be the norm, and it won’t actually be a choice.

This would drive me mad too, please don't engage in any further discussions with them on this, a simple "I won't be discussing this with you as it doesn't concern you" will be enough. Absolutely no need for you to justify yourself or your decisions to any of them!

At some point you need to lose your rag with them.
They look at you and look like they are about to say something. "If I hear one more bloody word about my baby getting formula I'll xxx (add something outrageous here)"
Might just shock them into shutting up.

This was me with my first. I tortured myself a bit reading things on here about people who stayed in for months, didn't get dressed and pumped.

I knew that would destroy my mental health. Hats off to people who can but I need to walk every day and get out.

I spent hours hooked up to hospital machines to get less than an ounce.

Switching to formula was absolutely the right thing for us and I have no regrets now he's a very healthy 11 year old.

Interestingly, the next pregnancy I did produce milk. Then I realised what people had been going on about with let down etc. Experienced non of that first time despite everyone telling me I was producing - the weight loss, miserable baby and lack of anything from a pump said otherwise. I was very anaemic and birth was very fast so wondered if they were factors.

I know it feels a huge deal now but in a month or two no one will think anything of it.

Oh and I persevered to the point of hospitalisation because all the advice was latch is good, you just need to keep going.

You don't want to experience a crash team coming in to your tiny baby. I knew I wasn't producing and no one listened - and I so wanted to breastfeed that I accepted zero sleep and persevered. That definitely wasn't best for us.

Tell them this stops now or you will block them. DH needs to stand up to them too.

No, I don’t think they’re acting out of concern OP. If they were the sort of people to have so much concern for your baby, they would also think about your feelings too.

I breastfed because I’m vegan and was fortunate enough to be able to do it. If I wouldn’t have been able to, and anyone would have said anything, I’d have told them to fuck off. The fact they’re sending you articles and videos at all, never mind when they know you can’t actually breastfeed is disgusting. That could really impact the mental health of some mums in your position who wanted to breastfeed and couldn’t.

From a health point of view, in a place like the U.K, benefits to breastfeeding are minimal. Anecdotally, having breastfed 2 babies, one was very healthy, one was ill with everything until age 7. Both are healthy teen and adult.

Tell these ‘concerned’ family members to stop as they won’t be seeing your child! Nasty fuckers.

I'm sorry if you found my statement that with a bottle (actually with either breast or formula in) you know for a fact how many ounces a baby is taking in daily.

You're fortunate in that you were able to - I'm guessing - cluster feed so that your baby's weight levelled out. You're fortunate in that you got to breast feed. My entire experience of it was 3 weeks with my 28 year old, and the initial feed with my 19 year old. I could say that I find your comment about being glad that you weren't encouraged to top up with formula offensive - but frankly... as long as the babies we're talking about are hale and hearty, what does it matter if they were breast, or formula fed? It doesn't. (Your use of the word "force", though, does concern me slightly - do you mean the midwives, or...?)

My post was meant more in a "how much nourishment babies get is vital, and breasts don't come with ounce marked windows for us to check if they're taking enough breast milk in... but also as a pointer that sometimes, try as we might to have that bonding experience, life just goes "fuck you". My son would have starved himself to death if I'd kept trying to get him to the breast. It was soul breaking for him, me, my partner at the time, and my 8 year old daughter. Even our neighbour, who listened to his wailing on the first night. I know how to breastfeed - but not an infant who just isn't interested. And he genuinely wasn't.

Had I not given him formula in a bottle... who knows whether he'd be the wonderful young man that he actually is.

Perhaps we ought to just agree to disagree, realise that neither of us actually meant the other any sort of offence - and leave it at that, hm?

First of all don't or stop mentioning feeding as it only triggers the to continue to comment. And if they still comment then ignore it.

I hate how the concept of body autonomy completing goes out the window when it comes to this issue. Yes, breastfeeding has a number of brilliant benefits (we all know this). However, formula is a safe and nutritious alternative and there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. Midwives should discuss the benefits with new mums and then if, for whatever reason, a woman chooses to formula feed everyone else should mind their own bloody business and leave them to get on with motherhood. Stop telling women (especially vulnerable new mums) what to do with their own body.

I have been ‘shamed’ multiple times for formula feeding. I give not one shit, and enjoy telling people it’s a bit tricky to produce much milk when your two week old newborn is hooked up to a ventilator with bronchiolitis and meningitis and with a heart that keeps going bananas for several weeks. 🖕🏻