Shamed for formula feeding

[Gemmy96]

I exclusively formula feed my child as I literally do not produce breast milk-- at all. None, not a hint of it. I tried for days after my child was born but ultimately realised I was missing out on making memories while I was attached to a pump and decided exclusive formula feeding was best for the whole family.

MIL and certain other family members know this and still put pressure on me to go to breastfeeding groups like la leche even though I've made it clear that I'm not interested. I'm being sent articles and videos about why breastfeeding is a better choice (let's pretend it's always a choice!) than formula feeding. I'm getting rude comments when I mention how much formula my child is drinking per feed.

I don't think IBU for formula feeding, but I think I might be overreacting to their behaviour. AIBU given that these people might just be concerned about what's best for my child?

... ^ no idea why my phone wrote ok before congratulations!! 🤪

You need to start flat out telling them to fuck off. Regardless of whether you cannot breast feed or choose not to its Noones business but urs. Ur baby is fed she loved and ur doing the right thing not torturing urself trying to desperately do something that isn’t working

@Gemmy96 This really grinds my gears - how dare they? Being a new mum is hard enough without this kind of ignorant bullsh!t pressure. Fed is fed. Formula is giving your baby everything they need.

I was in exactly the same boat as you - didn't produce anything at all & my son was literally starving, so after 2 awful days in hospital, I begged the midwives to bring us a bottle - he downed the lot & finally slept. No going back after that - he would turn his head away & scream every time I tried to put him anywhere near my nipples!

Luckily, with the exception of a few judgy looks/comments from people I didn't give a sh!t about, I was supported by family & friends.

I would have to quite bluntly shut these people down, once & for all. Then don't give them any more headspace & enjoy your little one. X

Yanbu at all it's your right to choose and your family abu. However, did you ever actually put baby to the breast? Some people don't respond to a pump at all, it doesn't mean they don't make milk.

I did, for a full two days while she screamed! With plenty of midwife support, too. It just didn't happen for me

Have you had any difficulties with them before the baby, OP? If their antagonism is completely new maybe it does come from a place of worry and love. Have you tried to talk to them about it? "Listen, I actually really wanted to breastfeed, I tried, it just didn't work for me or the baby. I wasn't producing and milk at all. In the end I decided that bottle feeding is best for us."

I understand that parents don't have to justify their decisions or share all their private information. However, if given a short summary of your reasoning, your family members might become more of a support than a hindrance. A bit like at work, if your boss starts making lots of changes without any explanation, employers feel resentful and stressed. If the boss sits down and shares the reasoning for various decisions, everyone feels more reassured and cooperative.

Wet nurses were used by both aristocrats and everyday people. The reasons were just mostly different. Historically it wasn't unheard of for families to keep goats (the best animal substitute for human milk). This practice is still used in some parts of the world today. The other possibility is the baby just died. If you read Tudor period death records there are a considerably number of infants who died due to being unable to breastfeed. Inability to breastfeed isn't a new or Western problem.

I have no words. I’m so desperately sorry for you.

I have IGT (insufficient glandular tissue) as a result of mammary hyperplasia, so basically my breasts didn’t develop properly. The lack of glandular tissue has been confirmed by ultrasound, and the amount of milk I was able to make was negligible.

My babies were born 3 years apart and both lost over 12% of their body weight after birth and started to show signs of dehydration. None of this was picked up of addressed by the hospital or community midwives and breastfeeding was still pushed as the only option - a fact that still makes me incredibly bitter and angry and I’ve struggled to let these feelings go.

Someone needs to advocate for you and in no uncertain terms tell the BF’ing mafia to back the fuck off, and have some empathy. Educating people that no, actually not all women can breast feed, is really high on my agenda as apparently us non-milk producers are like unicorns, we don’t really exist and therefore us and are babies are let down time and time again. Dont even get me started on the whole trans women breastfeeding thing…….. 😤

I hope you find a way to make peace with your feeding journey and get these arseholes to leave you alone. I know how isolating this situation is.

I'd be bluntly telling them to fuck off because it's none of their business! Your partner should also tell them to back right off.

Give them one final chance by making it very very clear that this is not a topic you will be discussing with them.

'Hi MIL and whoever

As I have advised before, breastfeeding was not successful and is not an option. If you email me any more articles I will mark your email address as spam for all future communications. I will also not be discussing it further with you in person or by phone, so if the topic is raised I will walk away or end the call. It is not a productive conversation as breastfeeding is not a viable option and all you are doing at this point is making me feel bad.

I hope you understand.'

Then follow through. Also don't raise the topic of how much formula you are using or in any way engage in conversation about feeding with them.

You’re doing absolutely the right thing and don’t let anyone else feel any different.
Any more comments say are you really bringing this up again? What’s your problem?

People really should mind their business! Like you need the comments when you've already gone through it...

I combi fed - for a variety of reasons but primarily because I did produce milk, but slow flow and not enough - and I'd forever be getting advise on how to up the flow. I decided early on that I was happy combi feeding, that should be enough for others! But the comments kept coming until I hid the breastfeeding element and always said 'I am formula feeding only, that's what I want I will not be breastfeeding dont talk to me about it'

It shouldn't have had to be that way but I then always just fed in private to save any comments.

Fed is best :)

I'm angry on your behalf OP, not sure who these people think they are to be constantly giving you 'advice'

Lots of excellent advice from previous PP's, I do think there is a limit to how much you can take from people and a very loud 'fuck off' can sometimes do the trick.

I never understand what’s actually wrong with women who do this. You see it on here quite a lot, proper fanatics, who fail to look holistically at rhe better or only option for both mother and child .

I formula fed, from choice, pure choice, I’ve a happy healthy young adult, as are the millions of other formula fed folks.

I had one shitty comment, and from a mid wife of all people who made the snarky comment that I was formula feeding as I “prob didn’t want my breasts to sag”. I just stared at her with utter disgust and she scuttled off like the putrid rodent she was.

i would either ignore it, or tell them to stop as it is upsetting you.

They're awful. Fed is best. And I'm one of those lucky women who had buckets of the white stuff. I want to punch your in laws in the nose for doing that to you.

They're being very insensitive. I would say you've taken medical advice and you're not discussing it further.

And if I lived in one of those countries both myself and my daughter would be dead so the lack of milk wouldn't register as a problem.

my mum and sister were the same. ignore them.

What is actually wrong with these people, getting so het up over how a woman feeds her baby? It's literally none of their fucking business.

Get your husband to deal with MIL.

If she persists, personally I'd go nc. I'm not joking, this is incredibly disrespectful of her and could affect your mental health.

They are being fucking rude! You are mum, you are feeding your baby and it's none of their business!! Ignore them or tell them in no uncertain terms to fuck off

A woman's place is in the wrong. We get judged for breastfeeding, we get judged for formula feeding
Why can't people just mind their own business?

It is none of their business how you’re feeding your baby. I’m quite shocked that they are sending you articles and making comments. They are majorly overstepping.

So sorry you are getting these vile comments OP. My 4th baby couldn't breastfeed because he had a cleft palate. He couldn't use "normal" bottles either. Didn't stop the awful comments including 1 Dr who asked me when he was 6 years old if I'd breastfed him and then when I explained have me a lecture about not trying hard enough.

I had the same problem. First baby I had everyone telling me that EVERYONE produces milk, etc… I beat myself up and baby wasn’t gaining. I felt like a failure. Second time was twins and different hospital. Midwife asked about my BF history and discussed breast growth (none), pointing out that my boobs were the wrong shape for someone who was supposed to have just had a baby. She came back with an ultrasound and I don’t have bloody milk ducts. I wasn’t going to feed one baby, let alone two.
Of course there were still opinions.

I had this too OP.

I was on medication that absolutely cannot allow breastfeeding. I got lumped with the 'it's very rare that you can't breastfeed due to medication' 'what a shame as you have so much lovely milk' 'why don't you come off the medication so your child can thrive' 'let's just put baby to the breast and hope for the best'. 'Your poor baby can smell your milk which is why she's crying'

All of those were said to me. A first time, new mum, taking medication & trying to recover from cancer in hospital post birth.

Not the kind of medication I can just 'stop taking'. They were negligent at best. That breastmilk could've been so damn dangerous for my daughter.

I also want to stress that a couple of the above comments were from a 'lactation consultant.' In a hospital.
I actually told her to fuck off in the end. I was hormonal, sad, recovering from a traumatic C section and had that lot shoved down my throat.

It's not a shame that I couldn't breastfeed my child. It's absolutely incredible that I survived, and she also was able to thrive on formula and I'm here to tell the tale.

She's happy, healthy and thriving. No regrets at all.