Telling in-laws about pregnancy at a milestone birthday?

[GoldSquare]

So 100% get not announcing a pregnancy at a wedding/someone else’s event etc. But this is in-laws we are travelling up to see for an informal birthday event, but a milestone birthday. Event isn’t the day of birthday and is a drop in/out type thing. We want to tell them first before other family members, so wondering how it would go down if we told them at a time there was no one else there apart from us? They wouldn’t have to tell anyone else, or would it over shadow their day? We are travelling on afterwards and won’t see them in person for another few months maybe so it would be over the phone if not then.
YABU - don’t tell them in person, wait and tell them over the phone
YANBU - tell them if you see them with no one else there

I'd have felt the same if it were my sibling. Worse in actual fact...but yes, in this case you are probably right.

Like I say, only the OP will know how they will react. If they've been wanting a grandchild for a long time then, great they'll probaby be over the moon. I only wanted to give an experience that sometimes it can take the shine off something you've been excited about, because others use the opportunity to make the big announcement. That's all.

I think a lot of GP's would be over the moon, and although you are getting sarky replies the vote is 71% in your favour. It is not comparable to the woman who said about her friends ruining her birthday, it's about their son becoming a DF, and them having a new GC

It depends on your relationship with them and how the news is likely to be recieved. We told the inlaws on my MIL's birthday - travelled to see them and gave her a card from 'the three of us'. (It took her a couple of minutes to cotton on, bless her. She put the card up, and then about five minutes later she said 'Hang on, though...you've got two dogs, so that's four of you...' and we both just looked at her, and she let out the most almighty scream, picked me up and danced me round the room, which was impressive given that she's about four foot six). We knew she and FIL would be thrilled, though, and it wasn't a 'big' birthday that was all about her, just a quiet tea.

Honestly, just do whatever makes you both happy.

MN is so weird about this sort of thing.

No-one's thunder will be stolen.

I think your idea is lovely and works and would be a great thing to hear if I were your PIL - much rather as you have planned than a phone call .
I hope they are chuffed x

Absolutely, but the OP specifically says her PILs already have lots of other grandchildren, and that her DH, who presumably knows, thinks they’re unlikely to ‘have a glowing reaction’, and therefore wants to tell them on the phone.

From the OP’s somewhat over the top reaction to suggestions they tell them over the phone beforehand, I imagine her DH is trying to manage her expectations of his parents’ reaction, to try to avoid a scenario where the OP is disappointed or outraged when they go ‘That’s nice dear — will you have a slice of birthday cake?’ As they might.

I think the card is a lovely idea but unless I’ve misunderstood, DH would rather tell them on the phone as he’s slightly worried about their reaction. I don’t really understand why you’d perservere with the idea of telling them in person when their son doesn’t really want to. I’d be led by him as to how he wants to tell his family personally.

I’ve been told by at least 2 posters that I’m sulking 😂 I am not one for wanting to be the centre of attention. I am not having a gender reveal surrounded by cannons, have already said I don’t want a baby shower etc. Like a few posters have said, I genuinely didn’t see handing over a simple card as making it a big deal. Not too far off saying “we’re having a baby”. But apparently that is attention seeking. Was something talked about with DH. Thank you for the arm chair psychology @LoisFarquar about my over the top reactions? It was DH’s idea to wait to tell them next week as thought it was the thing to do in person. Had a little wobble this morning that maybe shouldn’t do it.

I just genuinely thought people of that generation would consider it rude to be told something like that over the phone when you are seeing them in person, just them a few days later. I have been told.

Not announcing it in front of guests. Just when the 4 of us. Not telling other people. Don’t care if they start cart wheeling or just say as you put it that’s nice dear. I don’t mind if we wait a few months to tell them seeing them next time at non birthday, makes no difference to me. DH just felt that as everyone would know by then except them should just tell them in the phone if not the etiquette to tell them in person.

Genuinely thought this would be the news people would want to hear in person not on the phone, but hey MN has spoken.

Yes, your posts of 15.56 and 16.50 are quite melodramatic in response to suggestions you weren’t keen on, and your DH, who presumably knows his parents, sounds as if he’s trying to manage your expectations of his parents’ likely response. You sound very defensive with all the huffing about thinking ‘people of that generation’ would be insulted by not being told in person, but ‘hey Mn has spoken’.

Indirect stuff like a grandparent card can backfire. One of DH’s brothers and his wife did this, a grandparent card, and his father took it out of the envelope, glanced at it, and put it on the mantelpiece, apparently not having registered what it was (numerous grandchildren already, and I think he thought it was a Father’s Day card or something). One of my friends handed her parents a scan photo and her mother started screaming ‘Is that a TUMOUR? What are you saying?’ 😀

I don't think they will be upset to be told on the phone. You might have wanted to prepare them that you won't be drinking or might be leaving early because of tiredness (as examples). There are plenty of practical reasons for telling them on the phone.

I told my parents on the phone before I travelled to see them because I worried that they would buy me my fave wine as a treat! It was still lovely getting that hug off them and the little look at my abdomen when I saw them in person. It didn't spoil it at all.

I don't think it was a bad idea but with your partner wavering, this seems the safer bet. I would trust his instincts. They might be weird about it and that would be upsetting to see in person.

I told my dad on the phone and everyone else got a text. I don't get waiting to tell them in person especially if your OH doesn't expect them to be particularly thrilled. I think you're potentially setting yourself up for dissapointment / hurt.

It isn't an unreasonable idea to tell them in person, but I would do it on another occasion and only then if I knew they were going to be happy.

Sorry, I know that isn't what you want to hear. I don't think the reaction / special moment you want to happen is unreasonable, but it just may not be likely.

Thank you for the forensic analysis 😂
Note will work on my internet writing tone to not be perceived as huffing. I appreciate you know my DH better than me.
I’m not going to give you any personal details to the background behind this pregnancy.

The things back firing you described I wouldn’t use the word backfired to describe it? So the parent didn’t get the card and put it on the shelf? But then you’d just say have another look or tell them anyway? That’s not backfiring? Why would you not just tell them then? Backfiring would someone being angry at the announcement. Hence pondering on MN how other people would take it as genuinely thought it would have been a nice thing to tell someone in person rather than over the phone.

We’re driving and leaving at a certain time to travel upwards and onwards so no issue with telling them before hand for a heads up.

Have been over considerate in waiting until after friends events to tell them, so it’s not like as it’s being portrayed that I want to be the centre of attention. Being ND and over explaining/defending I guess comes across as defensive. But wouldn’t you be defensive if you were being told that any parent if it’s not the first grandchild isn’t interested?

If you do a card won't other people also see it? And at 16 weeks with a first child very likely to be showing?
Why does your dh think they won't be welcoming of the news? That's the bit that would make the difference as to how we told them.

Nope and nope.
I wouldn’t expect the card to be displayed there and then. Just put to one side to be put out later. Or if anyone did see a grandparent birthday card amongst the million other grandparent birthday cards it wouldn’t look any different. I’ve never walked up to someone’s cards and read the insides of them!

Congratulations! I knew my in-laws had just about given up on being grandparents so we had no worries about announcing the news in a card on a special occasion.
I hope they are delighted for you .

Ok, just bear in mind lots of people do read cards that are on display.
So the dh bit ? Why does he think they won't be thrilled?

@GoldSquare I agree with this ^^ 100% - phone them now, tell them the news and ask them not to tell anyone else until you have done that yourselves

If you wait until you see them, then yes, the day will be about you, at least in part. Don't do that to them

Just stop fussing and tell them on the phone.

I would just call them and tell them, it doesn't need to be complicated

@SpringerFall and @NDmumoftwo how long after the event would you deem it acceptable to then phone and tell them? As phoning before hand will still overshadow the day.

We told our parents as soon as we found out I did not see a need to wait for an event

@GoldSquare In what way will telling them beforehand overshadow the day of the event, for your PIL?

I don't really understand the overshadowing or stealing the limelight thing. A friend shared her pregnancy on my birthday - my automatic reaction was to tell her that it was that it made it my best birthday ever because I was so happy for them. But then during my wedding speech I made sure we sang happy birthday to a friend and congratulated a newly engaged couple too.

Big events like milestone birthdays and weddings are for celebrating with loved ones. If you can't be happy for them then why did you invite them?

Congrats. Honestly they should be delighted for you but as you can see from here....People can be sooooo odd !!!!! So I would just text them scan photo tomorow and a sweet message..that way they can process it whatever way they want and can have video call late. Then you can just get on and enjoy the other celebration thing and if they are enthusiastic and want to congratulate you they can...or if they are not so then you won't have got yourself disappointed.

I gather they’re just there to be your audience.

Mn has opened my eyes to levels of batshittery I’d never previously suspected — people resenting their friends for getting engaged/pregnant/married within the same month or two, people resenting their friends for getting engaged after them but getting married before them, people not concealing their engagement or pregnancy for a minimum of a month after someone else’s wedding, lest limelight be stolen, people resenting their siblings/friends/ cousins for not avoiding the month in which they themselves got married for their wedding, because in their eyes, that’s ’their month’, people having an ELCS on a family member’s birthday/ wedding anniversary, people apparently not grasping that they should have a calendar of family birthdays and anniversaries at the forefront of their minds when having a barbecue/ party/wedding/baby.

There was a recent S and B thread in which people beat up an Op for daring to consider wearing a bright pink dress to a wedding when visibly pregnant because ‘it would detract attention from the bride’.

People are crazy.