AIBU to date a man that my close friend has dated?

[Bertiebellender]

My close friend and I (We’ll call her Amy) are both single. We have been for a couple years!
She is actively and regularly dating. Currently seeing someone now, but these things tend to be short lived.
She tends to take an approach of throwing herself into dating, to get to know people.
I on the other hand rarely date unless I see something special in a man.

The man in question (let’s call him Daniel) is on the periphery of our social circles.
My friend bonded with him at a party that I couldn’t attend at the beginning of the year.
Shortly after the party Daniel went away for a
month with work. The company he works for were setting up business abroad.
Amy and Daniel would text and call often. Making arrangements to meet when he got back.
There was nothing physical between them. But they shared a lot of personal stuff and bonded over similar experiences. As well as all the normal flirting.
Amy really liked him and wanted to see where things could go.
Daniel on the other hand felt he wasn’t in the right place to be dating and didn’t want to ruin the friendship.
I don’t think that they actually went on a date. Just a couple of months max of calls and texts.
They remained in contact as friends, albeit sporadic. She has seen him in person since but with another friend at a gig.
Amy was very upset at the time, having become really close, emotionally.

I have ran into Daniel a handful of times. Previously I would have just been polite, as an acquaintance, didn’t really know him to spend time chatting.

But since the situation with Amy I’ve been friendly with him, as we both have Amy in common.
We recently ended up on the same train together for an hour chatting about various topics.
I felt that I’d really warmed to him. We messaged a few times since (fb messenger, we haven’t swapped numbers), nothing major but I was feeling interested in him as a person.
He’s just asked me out on a date.
I feel like he could be a good match in terms of values and interests, I like his sense of humour and he’s easy to talk to.
I think he’s attractive.
He ticks a lot of boxes and seems like a good person.
I’ve met many of Amy’s dates in the past.
Friendly but platonic with most.
The occasional one has shown an interest
but it was one sided, I’ve never considered it.
This is different, I feel differently about this man.

a) My friend is kind and will tell me it’s fine. But I think she will still be hurt.
Therefore I’m stupid to even consider this.
And should reject him for “dating” my friend first.

b) I rarely feel like I want to date anyone.
I feel like Amy will have dated most single men our age in our local area, that I will struggle to find anyone to date who she hasn’t previously dated.
This scenario was inevitable at some point and I should just speak to my friend first before I accept a date.

I can’t sleep and need some perspective on this.
AIBU to consider this at all?
Would you be upset if you were in Amy’s position?

How are you ever going to meet anybody if your mate has dated them all? Are you going to be single forever because of that?

Leaving aside this particular man I think you should talk to her about the wider issue. I can't see having any problem with a friend dating someone Id dated and hadn't had a deep or long relationship with. You feeling a little resentful could slowly become a lot resentful and wreck your friendship, but it's a limit you've imposed on yourself that your friend might not even want you to limit yourself in that way.

l hope the posts have helped you, although before you decide…

I think you really need to have a conversation with her about your different dating styles/ her “stats” and the increasing possibility you might overlap at some point. See if she’s thought about it and how she feels about it. It would put your dilemma in perspective.

If you have that conversation before you blow him off, you can gauge if it’s worth telling her an overlap could be imminent.

Only because she’s dated all the guys in town….I’d keep the dialogue open with Daniel. I would continue to text him, but be clear that he told Amy that “he wasn’t ready to date” x weeks ago, and you feel uncomfortable going on a date with him so soon, as it could affect your friendship. Keep the banter going with Daniel and go out on an official date once Amy has her sights set on someone else, which could quite possibly be next week.

I’d not do this, he was clearly just giving Amy the brush off. If the op likes him and he likes her, I can’t see why Amy should be a problem. Amy needs ro behave as well, not just the op.

the op needs to tell her , sensitively. If Amy kicks off, then she was never the ops friend.

They never dated though. She was infatuated and he didn't feel the same way. You're 10 years older than me but Amy reminds me of girls in my late teens who 'called dibs' on guys. Don't pander to her. Go on a date and don't tell her unless this develops into a relationship. If she's a real friend then she'd be happy for you.

Your conclusions lead me to think you are self denying and are preparing to be self sacrificing to the point of sabotage. I understand the sensitivities but this seems to me unbalanced and very unrealistic. Your friend had one of those remote personal connections but it didn't lead to anything further and she is now dating someone else. Thankfully she isn't sitting at home in a heap wringing her hands and lying awake at night, weeping for what might have been. And you don't need to be lying awake either over a date.

Have a conversation with her, one that recognises your own reality as well as the reality of what happened with her and state quite simply that you know she had a connection and wanted to let her know that you met on the train and are going for a drink. She may well feel a bit sore about the dead end of that connection and you can acknowledge that.

Meanwhile you have the chance to explore an interest which may have potential while she has moved on from it to her current interest and it would achieve nothing for you or your friend to self sabotage out of being over scrupulous about her disappointment and hurt pride when something didn't develop as she hoped. She's a woman of the world with experience of life, as are you, at the age of 30 ish and you both will weather this.

As someone whose sister married the guy who was my first (and serious) boyfriend (many years later) - go on the date.

You and Amy both sound quite sweet.

Have a talk with her and go on the date. Might be nothing, might be something there, but you'll never know unless you give it a try. He didn't like Amy in that way.

Not to hijack the thread…you and sis have been intimate with the same man?

Different perspective,

Would she date somebody you had had a connection with?

I ask because I had two friends in the exact same scenario.

Friend B went on to date the guy friend A had the connection with because friend A ALWAYS put dicks before chicks.

As in :
Man on the scene - friends dropped,
You tell her you fancy somebody - no issues pursuing same person without even declaring it
Just ruthless on the dating scene.

So yeah, it depends.

I don't often connect so I'd be tempted to go for a casual coffee or walk with him and then decide.

Yes, my sister got off with my first love / heartbreak at a party. He was my good friend by then.

She then declared they'd always had a special connection !!

Another one who was 'Misters before Sisters' 😆

I agree with this 100%.
You're worrying about her being upset with you dating him - but you will resent her if you don't and it will affect your friendship.
The 'usual' rules about avoiding friends' exes (not that he's actually an ex) don't apply here as she's dating so many people in your pool. I wouldn't mention Daniel to start with, just lead with a general chat about this issue and negotiate some rules between you about dating the same people.
You're late 30s and this guy could be your future husband! You have to think of yourself here

I think it's worth having a chat with Amy. After that, maybe also speak to Daniel - his reaction should give you an insight into how emotionally mature he is. Don't tell him Amy was devastated but just acknowledge the situation. I'd see it as a red flag if he's dismissive of her feelings.

I'd go against the grain and say in her shoes I'd be happy for a friend to date someone I'd dated relatively casually, though I would likely still be upset at the start with the feelings involved in this scenario. I wouldn't want to meet them as a couple until/unless my friend's relationship with them became serious, and I'd want my friend to respect me taking my time to be comfortable with hearing details about the relationship. I would absolutely not be happy with the friend pursuing it without telling me though.

It sounds to me like you're someone who is slower to open up and then holds on to feelings a long time, and Amy feels things deeply more quickly but can then let go easily. I may be completely wrong, but if that's the case she may be more ok with the idea than you'd think, if she's moved on emotionally. It's her feelings that matter.

When he said he wasn't ready for dating - he meant he didn't want to date her. He was being kind (or cowardly) and didn't want to lose her friendship.

If she is still thinking/hoping that he might one day be 'ready' -this is not good for her.

It is useful for her to know that he was 'letting her down' gently and cares about her feelings but does not fancy her. Hurtful but not the end of the world.

I think that you should talk to her - and see how she really feels. It might not be as big a deal as you think.

He seems to be asking you out - so isn't following the same pattern as he did with Amy.

I think you should talk to her about it. What if you decide now that you aren't going to date him on your assumption about her feelings, and three months down the line you mention it and she says "Oh him? I don't care if you date him or not", and by now he is dating someone else and you have missed out. If you genuinely like this guy, then give it a chance.

Also, even if she is a little hurt, it doesn't mean you can't date him. Friends of mine have dated men who I have also liked. They obviously didn't like me enough as they didn't ask me out, but does that really mean no-one else can date them? Should my friend have not dated the man she later married and had children with because I had a crush on them first? I don't think people are really that possessive about other people. It stings a little at first, but you get over it and you see how happy your friend is with that person, and you are glad that they found a great guy.

If i was in this position i would never stop my friend from potentially finding " the one" when i hadnt even dated him, yes id be hurt but i know id move on and i certainly wouldnt let it ruin my friendship because i am a good friend

It does come down to choosing though.

I'm honestly not having a pop at you here, but you know it will sour the friendship and the reason you're asking on mumsnet is to understand if you are unanimously perceived to be an arsehole or whether there is a grey area and yu might be encouraged to go for it and hope she might come around.

Ultimately the rights and wrongs don't matter, you need to make a decision and see it through.

If you date him, she will be upset and it will sour things, even if she gives you her blessing.

If you have mutual friends they might well pick sides (even though it will be in a covert way of only inviting one of you out to avoid awkwardness and you'll probably be the one that loses out).

No amount of soul soothing will change the reality of making the decision.

On the other hand, maybe she will keep her hurt to herself and in a few years you'll all be laughing about it. Noone knows. Life is risky.

Hes not ready if he wasnt ready a month ago. I wouldn't risk my friendship. Hes a playa' who wants fun by sounds of it

Just ask her

But don't you think people say they're not ready when they're just not interested?

And actually this is a food point to consider. He was happy having her on the phone as emotional support when it suited him to string her along until she asked him out, then he let her down.

Now he is asking for a shot with you.

Past behaviour isnt great on his part. I'd be wary of him on that front as you've had a glimpse of recent behavior.

Then it's a bit cuntish to string Amy along with sexting and bonding and then discard her.

That’s a bit much, people talk a bit , ger to know each other, decide not to proceed, chatting to someone isn’t a marriage proposal

Jesus, just talk to her. Tell her that you like him. Ask her to be honest if she would feel hurt. Tell her you don't want to risk the friendship. Don't talk to us, talk to her.