AIBU to date a man that my close friend has dated?

[Bertiebellender]

My close friend and I (We’ll call her Amy) are both single. We have been for a couple years!
She is actively and regularly dating. Currently seeing someone now, but these things tend to be short lived.
She tends to take an approach of throwing herself into dating, to get to know people.
I on the other hand rarely date unless I see something special in a man.

The man in question (let’s call him Daniel) is on the periphery of our social circles.
My friend bonded with him at a party that I couldn’t attend at the beginning of the year.
Shortly after the party Daniel went away for a
month with work. The company he works for were setting up business abroad.
Amy and Daniel would text and call often. Making arrangements to meet when he got back.
There was nothing physical between them. But they shared a lot of personal stuff and bonded over similar experiences. As well as all the normal flirting.
Amy really liked him and wanted to see where things could go.
Daniel on the other hand felt he wasn’t in the right place to be dating and didn’t want to ruin the friendship.
I don’t think that they actually went on a date. Just a couple of months max of calls and texts.
They remained in contact as friends, albeit sporadic. She has seen him in person since but with another friend at a gig.
Amy was very upset at the time, having become really close, emotionally.

I have ran into Daniel a handful of times. Previously I would have just been polite, as an acquaintance, didn’t really know him to spend time chatting.

But since the situation with Amy I’ve been friendly with him, as we both have Amy in common.
We recently ended up on the same train together for an hour chatting about various topics.
I felt that I’d really warmed to him. We messaged a few times since (fb messenger, we haven’t swapped numbers), nothing major but I was feeling interested in him as a person.
He’s just asked me out on a date.
I feel like he could be a good match in terms of values and interests, I like his sense of humour and he’s easy to talk to.
I think he’s attractive.
He ticks a lot of boxes and seems like a good person.
I’ve met many of Amy’s dates in the past.
Friendly but platonic with most.
The occasional one has shown an interest
but it was one sided, I’ve never considered it.
This is different, I feel differently about this man.

a) My friend is kind and will tell me it’s fine. But I think she will still be hurt.
Therefore I’m stupid to even consider this.
And should reject him for “dating” my friend first.

b) I rarely feel like I want to date anyone.
I feel like Amy will have dated most single men our age in our local area, that I will struggle to find anyone to date who she hasn’t previously dated.
This scenario was inevitable at some point and I should just speak to my friend first before I accept a date.

I can’t sleep and need some perspective on this.
AIBU to consider this at all?
Would you be upset if you were in Amy’s position?

I’m not sure which way the voting works here - I said YABU meaning you should definitely go out with this man if you like him.

I had this once in the past. Good friend’s boyfriend dumped her (and she was very upset). I bumped into him in London, we got chatting and he asked me to go for a drink one night. And I felt I really couldn’t do that to her. But they’d been an established couple for a year. I’d met him as “Claire’s boyfriend”. And that was well before online dating where there’d only be two men in a thirty mile radius that would be out of bounds on that basis. In your situation, he’s a man she chatted to but never actually forged a relationship with. He’s a friendly acquaintance of Amy’s at most. And - by the sound of it - you’ve got to know each other in a more traditional way (by actually talking to each other in person) and decided you like each other. That doesn’t happen every day and you’d be silly to throw it away. Go for a drink with him; you’re not getting engaged. See how things progress. Yes - if you two decide you are “an item”, then it would be thoughtful to tell Amy before anyone else. But the fact that she’s chatted to him for a while doesn’t mean anything more than that.

I don’t think uou should say no. But you should call Amy and tell her you met Daniel. Got talking, and he asked you out, and you’d like to go as you like him. Just be honest.

OP it isn't worth it. Honestly, it sounds like she would be really hurt as she was quite emotionally vulnerable with him. I know they weren't serious or anything but I was really hurt when someone I was texting asked my friend out, she said no as I was honest and said 'its up to you but I am upset, I'll get over it but i can't lie' - turns out men who do this to friends are walking red flags, well, in this particular case anyway

This.
I had a date with a guy years ago...my friend has married him lol..but that doesnt bother me..theyre suited. However, if i had slept with him, i hadn't, i think she was waiting until we had finished before she made her move.
Personally i wouldn't date a guy my friend had 'slept' with but if she hadnt i would date him, only if she was genuinely ok with it. I wouldn't lose a friend over a man. Theres many men. He also sounds flaky in past this guy, hopefully he isnt so flighty now

Is she seeing anyone just now as that'd make it easier for her to 'let' you be with him.

I think I'd go on one date with him. Somewhere unlikely to see her or her friends. And see how you get on.

I'd then tell her you
"bumped into him in a cafe and had a coffee with him and he seems nice but I know you liked him so I don't know how you'd feel about me going on a date with him? I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable but if you're not that interested in him now is that an option for me to even contemplate or would it be too weird. You're more important to me than a guy so I won't do anything to upset you?"

In the hope she'd be ok. On the other hand once you meet him again you may not like him as much?! Just don't sleep with him on the first date, that'd be really awkward.

Have you considered that he just wasent that into Amy ?
Maybe he was trying to be nice saying he wasent ready for a relationship ?
But he feels differently about you?

I think in 'ordinary' circumstances you should feel free to date Daniel - as you say, Amy dates a lot, this never progressed beyond texting etc and she's now seeing someone new. I certainly wouldn't say that ALL men Amy has had any level of involvement with should be off limits!

However, in this specific case Amy clearly really liked him and shared a lot with him emotionally, it ended because he 'wasn't ready' (rather than them being incompatible/it fizzling out or her ending things) and she was upset. In her position I would wonder what had changed in the last few weeks that he's now ready, and why, now that he apparently is ready, his first thought was not to reconnect with Amy but instead to ask you out. That would hurt.

The only way I think this could be OK is if Amy is now exclusive with the new man, and this is widely known (ie would Daniel think she's now 'off the market'?). If that was the case then I'd say go ahead. Otherwise it comes across as him clearly picking you over her and I think in Amy's place I'd be very hurt by that.

She’ll be upset so you’ll be doing something that you know will upset her and most likely it will change the friendship so you can try to justify it as much as you want but you will be effecting the friendship. It was very recent.
Your B is a bit mean to be honest

Don’t make the mistake of thinking you and Daniel are different to Amy and Daniel.

He had an emotional connection to her with you it’s likely physical.

He is managing to hook up with two good friends.

I bet his mates are clapping him on the back.

What you should do is have a look on ‘are we dating the same guy’ on Facebook - Daniel might already be on there!

Honestly, why does OP have to potentially lose out on being with someone special because her friend talked to him for a few months, I don't get that kind of thinking at all. It sounds like he didn't want to date Amy and that's the excuse he gave her rather than telling her outright. Just go on the date OP and see how it goes.. she can't have dibs on every man she's dated

I think hes just a player tbh. Playing women in the same group because its easier, thats lazy dating.

The thing is that she can't bagsy every guy in the area that she has dated or spoken to! It's inevitable that you would meet somebody that she has also been interested in at some point.

If I understand correctly he spent a lot of time messaging and on the phone whilst he was away with Amy discussing personal stuff? So while he was bored and lonely and she thought they were building intimacy? He then dropped her when he was back. Doesn't sound great.

I would ignore PP who suggested going on a date and then speaking to Amy. Do it the right way round if you want to date him.

It sounds like there's a good chance of crossover if you don't live in a massive city and she's dated a lot so I agree it's ok in principle but you need to establish whether this one is genuinely off bounds as in she was really hurt or not. Probably not if they only texted but speak to her and see what she says. If she says it's fine take her at her word. Maybe assure her you won't discuss any of her personal business if she brings up the discussions they had and stick to that. Even if he starts to bring it up, close the conversation down

I mean when he was away, not away WiTH Amy together. Badly worded.

I don't know. My friend had a one night stand with a guy who I started dating a couple months later and she resented it (even though she had a lot of one night stands - it wasn't as if she thought this might turn in to something). It didn't last more than a few weeks with me partially due to the effect on our friendship.

Bear in mind sometimes real hurt or impact can be completely disproportionate to relationship length. That's not to say I think a good match should necessarily be off bounds forever because they texted for a bit but he may have promised her the world and it was quite recent. It may be a matter of poor timing. I have two men in mind. One I dated 2 months, one 2 dates but promised me all sorts and I felt really connected with. Both were years ago and I am firmly over them but I can't say I'd feel happy my friends dating them.

Unless they live in a small town.. there's a lot we don't know. Dating can be difficult in small social circles

This exactly. He sounds like a time waster OP. As pp said it likely won’t be worth straining your friendship over

Why not just say Hi Amy, you know that guy Daniel you knew a few months back? I ran into him ,and we got talking.He wants to meet up ,just thought I would run it past you first and see what you think? That way she could say either way how she feels .

This^

The reason why asking may not be helpful, is the friend may be upset in the first place that OP is even considering it. And worse still she may not be open about how she feels for fear of looking silly or selfish. So depending on her personality she may wear a smile and insist she doesn’t mind when she does, and all the while their friendships is being harmed . Or she may even genuinely think she won’t mind.

when I was younger I gave my best friend at the time, the go ahead to pursue things with this guy I had a crush on, it was very rare for me to have a crush on anyone btw. She had - against my will and express wishes - pitched the idea of “us” to him and he said he saw me as a sister. So I was already a bit embarrassed! Then super quick she announced she liked him and I felt I just had to say yes that’s fine since it was clear he didn’t like me in that way .

In the end nothing came of it, he didn’t even kiss her despite spending a few nights at hers and her trying to flirt. So I’m not sure what it was all about from his POV, but I have to say I did feel quietly relieved when it was over! Had things developed romantically it would most likely have damaged our friendship despite me telling her (and myself) that I didn’t mind. I think even though things didn’t work out - because it down to him and not her, the whole thing never sat well with me.

Hard one OP. Ultimately it’s up to you but I think it will cause a bit of friction. It would be different if she’d sacked him off and had no interest in him, that would be fine. The fact she liked him but it wasn’t reciprocated is harder as she’s likey to feel a bit resentful, whether she tells you or not.

If nothing comes of it between you then your friendship will be a bit tarnished probably.

The OP says in her first post that My friend is kind and will tell me it’s fine. But I think she will still be hurt.

Don't ask her permission, but tell her he's asked and you'd really like to go, but want to respect your friendship by telling her upfront. See how she reacts. Honestly she's not a good friend if she reacts badly.

Good question.

My friend and I are looking for men in the same dating pool.
e.g. Age, (we’re both late 30’s), location. Also lifestyle, my friend and I have similar lifestyles to each other, inevitably we’re both looking to men who would fit in or complement our similar lives.

In the last 2 years I’ve been getting to know a handful of men, which only led to me wanting to date 2 of them.
My friend has dated around 20 men since just the start of this year.
4 of were ones she got close to and was upset when things didn’t progress.
And previous years, she’s dated at a similar rate.

Statistically it’s becoming harder for me to meet single, suitable, attractive men that Amy hasn’t already dated. Which means my pool of options are shrinking.

It is so rare for me to feel a connection that I want to pursue.
I ignore ‘likes’ in online dating if Amy has already dated them.
In real life if I meet her dates I don’t consider them as options so interactions are always platonic.
This situation grew on me and surprised me that I felt something beyond the platonic.

This rare connection is a missed opportunity when my friend hadn’t actually been on a physical date with him.
Maybe there’s something there that I feel a little resentful for.
That within another 6 months she’ll have made other emotional connections and moved on.
Whereas I probably won’t have found any/many that I even want to date.

I haven’t worked out the odds mathematically but my friend dates with purpose from the same dating pool.
Im assuming there’s a good probability this could happen again at some point.
I know this is a selfish worry.

Amy had an emotional connection with him.
I know I should forget him as an option.
Im only human, and we all want to find our partner in life.
Maybe I’m scared that its taken so long for me to feel that connection and attraction, the scarcity makes me worry that I’ll never find someone that I like.

I sound like a terrible person now.
Our friendship is important to me. I won’t pursue this.
But I do feel like talking to Amy, generally about my worries.
We talk about everything else.
At least it might open up her thoughts on a hypothetical situation so that the boundaries are clear going forward.