To think if one parent can't look after the DC, it's the other parents responsibility to do so?

[looop114]

And not their partners?

If two parents are separated and one of them becomes unwell (not just a cold but actually very poorly and unable to look after the DC kind of unwell), it should be automatically the other parents responsibility to look after the children and not the unwell parents partner or spouse?

They can if they want to obviously but the initial assumption should be that the other parent will parent their children even though its not "their time" when the other is not able to? Providing both are involved parents.

Aibu to think this is the case and that it's quite entitled to make assumptions that your co parents partner/spouse will look after your DC when the other parent is unwell intstead of you?

Im assuming that stepparents may also feel like they cant ask their partners extended family because of how it may make them look

No, my family is under no obligation to do so. So I wouldn't ask them. They are already helping with my own children. She can ask her family to do the same as their mother.

Anyway, as I said previously sorted now I'm just ignoring further requests and sending updates about DH.

Are you aware that they’re your husband’s children? I’m not saying you should have to care for them. I’m saying your attitude towards your husband’s children is strange.

No I wasn't thanks for pointing that out.

Are you aware you still haven't answered my question?

I think we will just have to agree to disagree. Your attitude seems like that of parents who are not separated. If you are separated one of the hardest things to accept is loss of control when your kids are not with you. So for example when the kids are at their dad's I cannot dictate what they eat, what time they sleep, what they can do and who they spend time with etc. If you are unable to accept that then you will find yourself in court a lot to be able to enforce your will on the other parent. It requires compromise and an acceptance that you can't have things your way with the kids 100% of the time.

To expect the mother to give up control but yet still be on duty at all times just in case is unreasonable. It expects that the mother does not have her own life and is instead on standby because how dare she make plans that cause her to be unavailable for childcare. She needs to be available 100% of the time. Do you see what I mean about feeling entitled to the mothers time. I'm sorry but if she is working or if she has made plans that she can't cancel for whatever reason it is the father and stepmother job to sort out something else. We are not part of your emergency childcare network. Whether you agree or not. If you are too proud to ask other people who should be part pr your network and would rather call social services instead is a reflection of how little concern you have for the wellbeing of those children. In that case are you even fit to be a stepparent or parent of the child?

At the same time can the mother have the same level of demand of the father. Should he be available 100% of the time in case he is needed by her for childcare. So he has to take time off work, cancel trips or engagements if she is unavailable because it is his parental responsibility too. I'm sure alot of people would not like the sound of that. That there carefully made plans can be disrupted at the drop of a hat to accommodate the needs of their partners ex. Especially if we are going to say extended family should not be relied on then that is going to put alot of pressure on both parents to make sure they are always available when needed in case of emergency. Will you demand that of the fathers to the same level you are insisting on the mothers? I doubt it some how. Society is always harsher on mothers.

@looop114 could your husband’s family visit and take care of the children? I know you said they’re not close by but if they don’t mind travelling and have time they could help in the same your family are.

Double standards are alive and well when it comes to stepparenting

Parental responsibility is onlyon the parents.

No matter how busy the mother is, she’s still their mother and thus the one responsible for them. The stepmother isn’t. It may be your opinion that she should be, but that doesn’t mean that she in fact is. ‘Stepparent’ is merely a title, and being one doesn’t make someone legally responsible for the children of their spouse. Any problems that having to assume responsibility for her children may cause her, are her problems to deal with. Not OP’s.

Similarly, the father’s family have no obligation to provide childcare either.

Totally agree @InterIgnis

It sounds like a nightmare for you, OP. Being worried about your husband, all the logistics of your husband being in hospital, your kids, work - that's a lot. Dealing with your step-children and their mum as well (which I assume your husband tends to do) is an additional thing. As this discussion (and the whole of mumsnet) shows, it's a really emotive issue. People have different expectations about family and step-parents/children, and usually those aren't discussed or communicated, and at crisis points like this the pressure can become too much. It sounds like you have family supporting you, and I hope you are managing to look after yourself. I really hope your husband gets well soon.

Navigating separated parenting is really really difficult. I think part of the issue is that step-parents have two roles. Firstly their relationship to their step-children - which can take many forms - different levels of involvement and responsibility, depending on all the people involved. Secondly, as your husband's partner and part of his support network. Again, the level of responsibility you take on would depend on the type of relationship you have, and what you've agreed.

So it may be that you don't have the kind of step-parenting role where you would take responsibility for caring for his children (I'd imagine if someone became a step parent to teenagers it would be very different to becoming a step parent to teenagers). However, as his wife, he might still ask you to help him with his children while he is in hospital. It wouldn't be because you're their stepmum, it's because you are his wife. Whether that's reasonable depends on your relationship with him, what you can manage, what other pressures you have.

What their mum should be doing is impossible to say. Some people manage separated parenting really well. But it's really hard to negotiate and hold boundaries because what seems obvious and reasonable to one person doesn't to the other. You can't know whether someone is doing their best and it's hard not to be suspicious that they are not. It's often a messy situation. I hope things get more settled for you soon.

No, it isn’t the stepmother’s job. That isn’t a matter of opinion, it’s a matter of fact. You wanting it to be her job doesn’t mean it is. It’s the job of their actual mother, the one responsible for them. You can stamp your feet as much as you like about it being unfair, that won’t change anything.

Extended family cannot be compelled to provide care either, no. They are just as free to refuse as the stepmother is.

I recall a poster on another thread saying that in the event that she had to go into hospital then her kids would have to go into emergency foster care because neither their father nor their families would take them. The same would apply here. It’s up to the mother if that’s something she’s willing to do and deal with the repercussions of (said repercussions weren’t an issue for the father in the above case, as he had no contact with his children).

@looop114 Sorry folks, I am with the OP! dad is in hosp so mum has to step up and cancel to look after her own children. the step mum has enough going on with her own children as well as running up and down to hospital to visit her husband. she must be run ragged by now. bio mum does not sound very caring but that is not the step mums fault. OP i hope your hubby is getting better and comes home soon.

What would you do if there was no stepmother?

if social services knocked on your door saying dad’s in hospital and there’s no one to have them.

refuse to have them because it’s an infringement on your time? you’re not part of his emergency childcare network?

aNd yes, I’d expect the dad to drop everything if mum were in hospital on her time.

it’s called parenting. Nothing to do with control over your children, it’s being there for them in an emergency.

The thing that is annoying me is the sense of entitlement to the mothers time that the dad and stepparent would be displaying in this scenario. If you are not together you can not rely on the mother of your children to be your emergency childcare, personal assistant etc. Thats the job of the dads current partner

You've won the internet today with this. Do you really have so little self awareness?
Talk about entitlement and say that you, as a mother, would expect another woman to take the time of work and all the extra work and strain of looking after additional kids at an already stressful time because you are entitled to your child free time and she's more responsible for them than you are?? Incredible.
What a horrible attitude you have to your own children. Poor sods.
Personally, I knew what I was getting into when I gave birth. I'm permanently "on stand by" in case my kids need me in an emergency and will be until my last breath. And yes, sometimes my children have been a huge inconvenience and fucked up my plans but that's what I signed up for. It's called parenthood. My marital status has zero bearing on this principle.

Looop114 though I have the greatest sympathy for you the difference is that it is your husband not hers who is ill. That it should inconvenience your life is to be expected, he is your husband. For her exs illness to inconvenience her is another thing entirely. As another poster said you are his wife of course you are going to be relied upon by him for support whether that is with his work, his health, his family or his children. So yes it makes sense if your partner is in hospital that it would have an impact on your job more than it does on hers. If you tie yourself to another human being in marriage it is a natural expectation that it will increase the demands and responsibilities you have and it should be reciprocal. He should also be able to be relied on if you need help too.

To imagine your life continues as normal, when you now have in laws, stepkids and your partners friends to deal with would be illogical. If it made no difference to you (and I'm not speaking of you personally looop) then you wouldn't really be a good partner. But maybe there are some people who prefer a compartmentalised life like that where your partners relationships/obligations outside of your marriage have no room in your life together.

I didn't say ask your family to look after them I said could you ask your husbands family? However someone mentioned that they lived far away. How old are the children in question and how many of them are there? Could your partner pay for a childminder or babysitter to watch them as your working. Many single mums have to spend a considerable amount on childcare becuase no one is willing or available to watch their children for free. For this period whilst your partner is ill could you arrange that and then when they go back to their mum (which if its 50:50 I'm assuming will be soon) just don't collect them if your partner is in hospital and tell her their dad is incapacitated so they would be spending time with you not him. I think if people have advance notice then they can arrange alternatives as they know that their child will not be going to their dads at the agreed time but if they are already at their dads in his care then thats a different story. To be expected to drop everything you have going on in your life because your ex is ill and can't find someone to look after your kids is unreasonable. Pay for childcare, like the mum has to if your partner doesn't want to help you.

But maybe there are some people who prefer a compartmentalised life like that where your partners relationships/obligations outside of your marriage have no room in your life together
This is a damned cheek considering it's you arguing for compartmentalised parenthood where you only need to bother with your own children on certain days.

That's what being a parent is! It is a permanent position. A permanent change. The split in contact time for the children doesn't change that you are still their parent 100% of the time. Contact time is for the children. It's not about giving you freedom or time off. It has nothing to do with the stepmother. She is not part of your network.

Everyone knows that there are no guarantees in life that the person you have children with will be around forever. He could die. He could run off with another woman. He could leave and say he's only going to see the children EOW. This knowledge isn't a secret. It's what you signed up for when you decided to have children.

In the absence of the other parent, you will always be responsible for your children.

though I have the greatest sympathy for you the difference is that it is your husband not hers who is ill. That it should inconvenience your life is to be expected, he is your husband. For her exs illness to inconvenience her is another thing entirely

We are looking at this from entirely different view points.

I appreciate it's my husband who's ill, which is why I don't expect his ex to be the one going to the hospital to make sure he has what he needs every day/discussing his care with his doctors and so on.

But regardless of their relationship status, she still shares children with him. He is still HER children's father. That is a choice she made (as did he), both knowing that if the other died, became ill, skipped off into the sunset then it would be on the other to take care of the children.

It doesn't change just because I married him, it's about the children not him. If I didn't exist would you expect her to let them go into foster care for the week or would it suddenly then be her responsibility to take them?

Such an odd odd way of viewing parenting.

As I have said repeatedly if the situation were reversed (and it has been in the past), I absolutely would expect my husband to take the children. Not because he is in a relationship with his ex, but because it's about HIS children.

And I know damn well if it were her in hospital starting a thread saying my children's dad won't have the children extra whilst I'm laid up in hospital he'd be ripped a new one by posters her as a shit father ducking on his responsibilities.

It's absolutely nothing to do with whether they are together or not. They aren't, but the fact is they share children and always will that they are jointly responsible for, not anyone else.

@HollyKnight makes a good point. If the dad passed away, the step mum would have zero rights on those kids. Zero contact from that day forward.
So step mums are not equal to mums. Fact. They are not the same and of course if you could look after them then fine but everyone seems to have missed the fact that OP husband is in HOSPITAL! He's really sick. She needs to care for him and their kids too. This is not a case of he's busy playing golf but an exceptional circumstance and so everyone needs to step up and into filling the gap.

Personally I wouldn't leave my kids with the stepparent if their dad was in hospital but that is because I don't trust the level of care would be adequate if he is not around. But saying that I have had battles with ex where I have been told that he will leave them in her sole care if he needs to and it's none of my business. This is after my kids have been injured twice when left in their stepmums care (not because of her directly but due to negligence). So even though it makes me deeply uncomfortable I have no ability to restrict his ability to leave the kids with his own wife when it suits him.

However I do get contact times cancelled last minute.com because of colds and flus which I think is an imposition on my time and would not be reciprocated. I had my kids with me when I had covid. I can't switch off or leave them with him because I'm ill. However, knowing that I can't call on him in emergencies unless it's an extreme situation I have cultivated a network of people who can help me look after my kids in emergencies and even then sometimes that falls through and I have to take a hit where I have to pay for childcare or take unpaid leave from work. Or where I have had to grovel for help when people are not as willing or had to owe people favours. But for me to take my own hits and yours as well. Fuck off.

Anyway we all have our own perspectives based on our upbringing, experiences and contexts that we will live in.

That just smacks of "I chose to have kids with an arsehole therefore I'm not going to read or take in a word OP has said - her DH must be an arsehole too"

If its reciprocated looop then I can understand why it would upset you. But then next time when it's her imposing on you then you can remind her that she was unwilling to help in a similar situation and that she should perhaps pay for childcare or ask her family for help like you have had to.

I already mentioned in my earlier post that it depends on the circumstances. If your husband really had no one else to rely on then obviously it is different as very few mothers I'm sure would allow her kids to go in to care in that situation. But it's that reflex of passing the kids back to mum when ever the slightest inconvenience occurs which makes it seem like she is the one who is actually responsible for them and dad is just baby sitting. Anyway I don't want to hijack your thread. I hope it all works out for you and your husband feels better soon.

@Chillpill22 It's shit, but that's just life. You're also perfectly entitled to leave your kids with their father and refuse to take them back. No one can actually make you parent your children. They can't make him parent them either. But the children would have to go into care then if neither parent would take them. That's why most mothers wouldn't do that. They accept that they are responsible for their children, no matter what the other parent does.

Some of these responses are just unbelievable. If you share custody of your child with your ex, for example 50 /50, you are still 100% your child's parent. If for whatever reason, you ex is not available for his 50, you child is not suddenly parentless. You are still 100% the child parents and are the default parent in that situation.
I'm not sure how this has become a " poor single mother is always on standby and responsible 100% of the time" situation. Surely that is just being a parent. When you are a parent, you are responsible 100% of the time. You don't stop being a parent because you child is with their father or is scheduled to be with their father.

Quick, you better let all the men know this as in my experience they have no such expectations.

I'll admit I haven't read the whole thread, but I can't believe people actually believe you should be caring for your stepchildren half the time when their father is in hospital!

They have a mother and it's not you, she absolutely should be caring for her own children (without any complaint) on all and any occasion their father is genuinely incapable of doing so.

It's not like you husband has gone on a lads holiday.
I hope he's feeling better soon.

My child’s father isn’t involved and doesn’t see her but I feel that I would keep my DCs at home in this situation.

Unless it would really put me out or this happens on a regular basis, then I wouldn’t think twice about it.

If he was just a bit run down or had a broken wrist or something that wouldn’t stop him from being a parent.

Surely that is a positive thing about having 2 involved parents, that you can help each other out like that.

I assume DH has done it/would do it for the ex too?