To think if one parent can't look after the DC, it's the other parents responsibility to do so?

[looop114]

And not their partners?

If two parents are separated and one of them becomes unwell (not just a cold but actually very poorly and unable to look after the DC kind of unwell), it should be automatically the other parents responsibility to look after the children and not the unwell parents partner or spouse?

They can if they want to obviously but the initial assumption should be that the other parent will parent their children even though its not "their time" when the other is not able to? Providing both are involved parents.

Aibu to think this is the case and that it's quite entitled to make assumptions that your co parents partner/spouse will look after your DC when the other parent is unwell intstead of you?

They have a mother and it's not you, she absolutely should be caring for her own children (without any complaint) on all and any occasion their father is genuinely incapable of doing so.

I sort of agree, but there is also this thing called paid childcare. There are many situations where parents are 'genuinely incapable' of caring for their kids because they are working or otherwise busy, and what they do in these cases is pay for childcare. The fact that the dad is in hospital doesn't stop him paying for a babysitter if the mum has plans or commitments she can't cancel.

are Paid babysitters that you trust, are dbs checked etc, and available short notice easy to find?

if I were in hospital I would not want a stranger I haven’t met or had chance to check references etc watching my kids. I wouldn’t have the first clue how to find one either. You’d expect someone seriously ill to be googling babysitters? Find someone on Facebook?

i am sure most children’s mothers don’t want some random looking after their kids either.

That's exactly what I'd be expected to do if I was ill in hospital. Luckily id have my family to call on but my ex wouldn't do it, his life and work is far more important. I know many women who would also be expected to sort out childcare if they are ill, their husbands/exes/partners wouldn't help.

Now, I'm not saying that's the right way to be and I would expect a decent parent to want to keep their child with them but why do we expect the mums to just suck it up and not have the same expectations for men.

So, when dad loses his job because he is in the hospital and mom loses her job because she had to call in to work suddenly with not even a hospital note to back her up-then what is the family to do? I am sorry, but maybe in this case this mother is being a POS. but most of the time, if you marry someone and they get sick, you take on their responsibilities until they are better. And that could include their time with the children. One would hope that the mother would be able to step up and take some of the time, but beyond the OP saying she is a POS, we really don't know the reasons why and the OP probably doesn't either.
but, in the majority of cases, I would say that the part of the vows that say for better or for worse also include helping your spouse with their children if they need that help.
The problem here is that this father has the mom and the stepmom going at each other when it is his responsibility to have taken care of this. He didn't just suddenly end up in the hospital. He was sick and then got worse. Why didn't he arrange something then? And don't give me the whole, "you can't take care of X while sick" Women do it every day.
The father is the problem here. Maybe the mother is, we can't really know. We don't know what happened in their marriage. If it is like most, he did fuck all with the kids during the marriage and then demanded half custody during the divorce. And that is what he has.
He then chose to marry someone even though they don't want to take care of his kids when he has an emergency. And now both of them are expecting mom to drop everything in her life to take care of the emergency in their life.
And maybe this mother is a POS who doesn't take care of her kids. Or maybe she is tired of his not knowing how to manage being a parent and still depending on her. OP says mother constantly uses them. Maybe she does. Maybe in this particular case, this mother received emergency help and should now reciprocate.
None of us can really know. All of us would probably go and get our kids.
But, as the saying goes, paraphrased. His lack of planning does not constitute an emergency for her. both hers.
Yet again we have a classic case of a man pitting two women against each other.

Now, I'm not saying that's the right way to be and I would expect a decent parent to want to keep their child with them but why do we expect the mums to just suck it up and not have the same expectations for men

I disagree tbh that the expectation is solely on women. Not by anyone half decent anyway.

If a woman came here and posted a thread saying I'm in hospital really unwell and my children's father is saying it's not his responsibility to look after our children and I need to find a babysitter instead until it's "his time", do you honestly think there would be many posters saying he was in the right? Of course you wouldn't. He'd be slandered to high heaven.

I'm not arguing that a lot of men don't do that all the time, we all know there are plenty of shit fathers out there. But no one decent thinks it's the right way to behave and that they aren't complete dicks for being that way.

Just because on this occasion it's a woman doing it doesn't make it any less shit behaviour imo.

Fortunately we live in a country where you can't be fired for going into hospital or for having to take emergency leave to sort out childcare.

Parental leave which I actually can't take because they aren't my kids...

So, when dad loses his job because he is in the hospital and mom loses her job because she had to call in to work suddenly with not even a hospital note to back her up-then what is the family to do?

and when stepmum loses her job because she’s taking care of someone else’s kids and isn’t eligible for parental leave?

Dad won’t lose his job for being in hospital, a mum won’t lose her job for taking emergency parental leave. Stepmum is the one who’s job is vulnerable as they aren’t legally her kids so she has no legal right to time off to care for them.

Yep. But guess who can...

Their mother.

I'm not divorced but I get the impression that there is more of an assumption put on step mums than stepdads.

Actually they are quite easy to find, depending on where you live. I post on the school parents' whatsapp group to see if anyone has a nanny or babysitter looking for some extra hours who they'd recommend. If no response, sites like sitters.co.uk and childcare.co.uk are fairly easy to use and you can book at short notice. You usually get nursery staff/nannies, or the odd teacher, all DBS-checked, looking to earn some extra money. I've never had one I didn't trust to at least keep my kids safe, although they have been mixed in terms of engaging them/playing with them.

The reality of having busy lives and living away from family is that many of us have to use short-notice paid childcare and rely on 'some random' to look after our children 🙄. However, this will often be the case for nurseries too, who will rely on temporary and agency staff due to staff shortages.

I console myself that my kids are statistically safer with a DBS-checked 'random' than they would be with family members/friends.

In this instance, the mother should organise childcare if the father is unable to and she needs it to work or meet other commitments, and the father should reimburse her for the cost.

I post on the school parents' whatsapp group to see if anyone has a nanny or babysitter looking for some extra hours who they'd recommend. If no response, sites like sitters.co.uk and childcare.co.uk are fairly easy to use and you can book at short notice. You usually get nursery staff/nannies, or the odd teacher, all DBS-checked, looking to earn some extra money.

These may well be relatively easy to arrange at short notice, but in a medical emergency it’s just not going to happen

Not here. If I'm ill DP will look after DS, I'd never think so little of him to ask ex to have DS when DP is perfectly capable.

But from the OP's post, it sounds like this is an ongoing thing - he's been unwell for over a week.

I can easily find a babysitter for my kids with around 24 hours notice. Maybe the kids' mum is the same. So the only issue is who pays for it - it should be the dad if the babysitter is required during his hours.

Her children having no one to look after them is an emergency for her. Because they’re her children. That she is responsible for. Again, a stepparent is not responsible for their stepchildren. That you think they should be doesn’t mean they are.

“So, when dad loses his job because he is in the hospital and mom loses her job because she had to call in to work suddenly with not even a hospital note to back her up-then what is the family to do?”

if dad lost his job it would be up to OP and her husband to decide how to face and handle that problem. If mum loses her job then mum has to do the same for herself.

So, mom loses her job due to her ex husband not knowing how to manage his life and how to take care of his children-and that is something she will have to just deal with? Yeah, I guess she will have to. And if I were her, that is one of the arguments I would use in the next court date to get full custody of my children.

I've seen threads on here with pretty much exactly this scenario where the women are just expected to suck it up, arrange childcare, get family to help when they are ill or their ex is refusing to have the kids. What else can you do if the other parent doesn't step up?

I'm not saying it's your responsibility at all but have you or your husband even spoken to her about it and acknowledged it's difficult but until he is out of hospital you can't do your usual 50/50 - the thread has moved very quickly and I can't really see where the conversation has been had? Even acknowledging her difficulties may go someway to her feeling like she's being heard. I get you have a lot on and your husband is sick but this is also inconveniencing her to a significant degree and that's pretty shit too.

Are you in the US?

generally here you could not be fired for taking parental leave.

it may be unpaid if it’s longer term, but she would not lose her job.

in the uk you can take 13 weeks parental leave per year.

Yes, that’s how that works. Same as it would be up to him and OP to deal with him losing his job if that happened.

Lol as to ‘going to court to get full custody’. Not only would that be unlikely to happen, but that means she would be liable for their care 100% of the time. She doesn’t seem to want that.

“If a woman came here and posted a thread saying I'm in hospital really unwell and my children's father is saying it's not his responsibility to look after our children and I need to find a babysitter instead until it's "his time", do you honestly think there would be many posters saying he was in the right?”

If a woman came on here saying she was in the hospital and the children’s father couldn’t look after them, I’d be asking why HER HUSBAND wasn’t stepping up to the plate.

@Bellsandthistle OP has a very unwell husband in hospital, her own DC, her work... no criticism for her stepchildren's mother who appears not to care less about looking after her own children at a time when tbey must be wortied about their dad too
Give OP a break
I am a mum to 3 and stepmum to 2 btw, stepchildren choose to live with us

I can’t imagine being in hospital and my husband saying he refuses to look after my children because they’re not biologically his. I’d be rethinking that marriage pretty fast.

Going to either extreme is unhelpful here. The kids remain a joint responsibility of both their mum and their dad, although their dad can't physically care for them at the moment.

There is room for compromise. The dad should take the financial hit of being unable to care for them and cover any additional costs to the mum - so pay for any additional childcare required/cover any unpaid leave she has to take. The mum should not be left out of pocket because the dad can't meet his responsibilities for his time.

But the mum should be flexible and have the kids at her house so she can care for them overnight/around her commitments. That should minimise the cost/inconvenience to both parents.

Both parents have responsibility for their children. You don't escape this responsibility by being in a hospital bed (you have to arrange/pay for someone else to meet it) nor do you escape your responsibility because your kids ought to be with their other parent.

I have been in a situation of being urgently admitted to hospital prior to having DC2, and I spent that time on the phone arranging for another school parent to pick up and care for my DC1 until their other parent could get back from work and collect them. So I'm afraid I don't think being unwell necessarily means you can abdicate responsibility for your kids.

When I had covid my 2 year old was dropped off with me as it was the last night the pubs were open so the ex couldn't miss out. Thanks God I have a good family.

Even if your husband works full-time, while having the sole responsibility for his own children, and having to pull in favours to have them looked after, you think he should somehow magic up the ability to look after your other children (while not entitled to parental leave for them) because their actual parent refuses to have them?

If I was your husband, I'd say you and your ex need to sort this shit out because I have enough on my plate right now.