Work event.. left me out of the planning

[Notthattimeofthemonth]

We have a work day out next month and they have asked us to bring in a baby picture and they are going to guess who’s who to get us all networking.

I’m the only black person out of 126 people going so wouldn’t take them very long to guess who’s who.

im trying to calm down before I address this as I’m currently infuriated.

how on earth do I proceed with this in the correct way..

I’ve thought about this and I reckon that this could be a problem for 5 out of the 9 protected characteristics. (Sex, disability, age, gender reassignment and race.)

That is quite shocking when you think about it.

It is also a problem for anyone whose upbringing was difficult, is adopted or who is not in touch with family any more as they may struggle to find a suitable photo.

Spaghetti and marshmallows it is!

Know your place, eh?! The white people have spoken! I say this as someone who is BAME but could ‘pass’ for white.

I've taken part in a 'guess the baby' team-building exercise before and yes, I was the only non-white baby. It took me ages to choose a photo I didn't mind being shared with my colleagues and all of 2 seconds for them to identify me!

I didn't mind, as race really wasn't the point. We had a few older people whose photos were obvious from the style of the picture, so they were quickly guessable too.

I do think the concern that a few other posters have raised about gender is more valid. It's obvious from looking at me that I'm not white. It's not a secret. Meet me in person, you know what I look like.

If someone had changed genders, a baby photo could well out them and that could be something they were keeping a secret. Plenty of people who are trans look like they were born that gender, and it's not on for HR to publicly out them all in the name of networking.

As someone who works in HR, I think it's reasonable for the OP to highlight the above concern and to suggest a change of icebreaker. They said their colleagues were nice (just possibly thoughtless) so I don't see why this wouldn't go down well.

I completely get why this has bothered you, OP. It's thoughtless and ill-considered, and not what an "inclusive" organisation should be aiming for.

I doubt that there was any malice involved, just a complete lack of awareness. And this is exactly why "not being racist" just isn't enough, companies need to be proactive about ensuring that everyone is included.

Would you feel comfortable raising it with your manager, OP? You shouldn't have to educate them about this stuff, obviously, but if they say that they care about EDI, then they should at least be receptive to any feedback. Unless of course their "commitment" to EDI is purely performative and not genuine.

And yet there's constant TikToks to remind us that white people can have black babies and vice versa.

I get why you’re infuriated OP, games are meant to be fair and this just isn’t.
Of course it doesn’t matter how quickly people are identified from their baby photos but that’s not really the point.
Also, who thinks it’s fun to look at 126 baby photos!

Because addressing it with humour makes it look like it doesn't really matter, that casual unthinking racism is unimportant and can be laughed off. Black people have been treated as the butt of too many jokes for too long. OP should not have to work harder to be remembered like this.

But, if she addresses it with the justifiable anger she is probably feeling, she just enhances the 'angry black woman' trope and she shouldn't have to do that either.

I will raise it with my manager when she is back from AL she will be horrified. It hasn’t gone out in the official agenda as of yet it’s still in the planning process. So I may just hold off and see.

I'm feeling a bit cheesed off. I have NEVER had to build anything with spaghetti and marshmallows at a team event. I have built a catapult from chopsticks, elastic bands and a plastic spoon though.

If/when OP does go back to ask about this, are there other ice breakers that pps could recommend?

@Notthattimeofthemonth I get it. It’s mortifying. I think you have an opportunity here to get them to improve here by saying well, I’m going to be instantly identifiable so while it will be a conversation starter, I’m going to feel a bit uncomfortable as people will find it amusing. I’d suggest they ask everyone a more specific question such as first school teacher’s name. I don’t think anyone has meant anything by this but that doesn’t make it ok either. But, my current employer is really good on the DEI stuff and I’ve learned a lot and changed my own behaviour as a result (I hope, anyway).

Would it not be better to catch it early before it makes it on to the agenda? I get that you shouldn't have to do this, but might be better to nip it in the bud before it goes too far?

Anybody else shuddering at the thought of 'icebreakers'?

Thank god I never had to endure any of that

You are not overreacting at all OP xx

@muggart

"OP, just an idea but you could cut and paste several black babies into a single photo with you and tell them you didn't want to make it too easy so they have to guess which one is you ... that might be a nice way of addressing it with good humour while pointing out the obvious."

Or maybe she could dress up as a black and white minstrel and sing Swanee River, that should get everyone laughing. Why in god's name should the OP have to do something completely different to everyone else? Why should she have to highlight their total lack of awareness with subservient good humour?

This, exactly this.

YANBU, OP. This is really short sighted of them and I think you need to draw their attention to it.

I agree, @Notthattimeofthemonth I don't think you should wait till your manager comes back from AL. If you know about it now, you're privy to this at the planning stage, so you should make your objections clear now.

Oh me, definitely, and I'm not a very private person. But this idea of "bring your whole self to work" is pretty bad.

I have another example of how this icebreaker is a problematic idea: some members of my extended family do not have baby pictures as they left everything behind when they became refugees during a war. Having to explain that would be tough.

OP, you are not overreacting. If you put this question on the black mumsnetters board you will find more appropriate responses, and support, there.🫶🏻

What do you think they'll say on the BM board that we haven't said here though? (Genuine question)

I’ve done this in the office with a few minorities and it’s cringe because you don’t want to say « well that’s obv x » because there’s only one black baby 🙈

I don’t think they’ve thought things through!

Course it needs raising. They could so easily do something similar but different - everyone provides a photo of their favourite holiday destination, or hobby, or anything else which could be a conversation starter. Or they pick baby pictures of celebs and ask people to guess those.

It's so thoughtless and I would absolutely feel uncomfortable in the OP's shoes and I'm not black either - but do have some empathy at least!!

I think you are right to feel aggrieved. It's thoughtless and insensitive.

I like the idea of picking an object that represents something you love and people trying to guess from there. Might not work for big teams v well though.

Or how about a quiz, treasure hunt, puzzle or similar that isn't actually about the person themselves but about the company / place etc?

I think holiday destination isn't inclusive though. Some people may not be able to go on holiday.

That is pretty bad form, but I'm assuming an error of judgement if they are usually nice?

I wouldn't be able to take part in this anyway, my mum burnt all our family photos when she and my dad divorced!

Forgive me if I've missed the the update but how do you know they've left you out?

I was actually in a similar situation. We had the same 'ice breaker' and I was the only white person in the branch. We all just laughed it off but I completely see why you'd be hurt if they have actually told you not to participate.

Hope you're ok.