who's being unreasonable, me or DH? hiding my things from SC

[ikikikuk]

I have a 14yo stepchild, me and DH also share DC.

I've noticed the past few months that SC is using my things in the bathroom, face washes, serums, expensive shampoo specifically for dyed hair (which they don't have).

I have put these things in the bathroom cabinet and asked that they only use what's out when showering and using the bathroom but still I notice they are being used.

So I have taken everything out of the bathroom of mine and hidden it.

It annoys me because it's not cheap stuff and it's not stuff a 14yo even needs to be using whereas I use it daily and buy it myself from my own money (separate finances).

DH thinks it's unreasonable/ ott to hide it all because DSC only stays 2 nights a week so really how much are they using and doesn't think it's that big of a deal to just share a bit of it with them.

I'm not making a "big deal" of it but I also feel like ive already asked these things not be used. I think it's rude to continue doing so and therefore I've removed them so they can't be.

Who's unreasonable?

Just share

I think who pays is kind of irrelevant. The important thing is the boundaries; child has been told to stop using things and she hasn't.

Kids need to respect other peoples belongings.

14 year old girls are very capable of telling their parents what they want. It's actually their favourite thing to do.

My DSD took anything she fancied including a set of hair straighteners cost £200+ my DH refused to confront her

Just pop all the things she regularly uses steals into an Amazon basket, hand over the device to DH and ask him to put his card details in. When he sees the £20/£30/£40 or whatever bottle of shampoo and £20 facial wash, and all those other expensive items you buy he'll pitch a fit at having to pay. But at least he'll fucking understand.

If it isn't a big deal have DH supply both of you?

What a confusing reply. "You should act like a family and share". "If it was your kids would you do the same". "My own kids take mine and I'm forever shouting at them for it" (so it's okay to happen and simultaneously not okay cos you yourself tell your own kids off for it?)

You obviously haven’t read the thread…this has been said over and over.

I could have written this story about DSS using my stuff! It drove me mad (especially the shampoo and conditioner for my bleached hair when his was not) and every time I went to use something it could be finished!l, because he was also very heavy handed!
Have you spoken to your DSC about it? I had lengthy talks with DSS and got him to tell me what he actually wanted to use (turns out he likes fruity shower gels and nice conditioners) and I just bought him his own stuff and got each of us a basket that our stuff lived in so we could easily see who had what. We have compromised on it - sometimes he forgets and uses mine because I leave it in the actual shower instead of returning it to my basket under tha basin but mostly he doesn't. And I bite my tongue because he is at least trying and is apologetic if he forgets.

I agree with this. It’s just normal and part and parcel of having a teen in the house.

Can you not engage with the SC about this in a positive way? Like saying “ I know you love my serum but it’s not great for your age skin, let’s go to Superdrug and pick you out something…”

If they are only staying 2 nights a week it’s hardly going to break the bank to buy her/him some nice products that’s just for them.

It's very annoying and you are entitled to keep your stuff for yourself, absolutely. But I will say that my teen dd is a demon for pinching her sisters stuff, my sister used to pinch my stuff, I think it's a teenage thing. I would ask your dh to take your dsc shopping for the personal care items she wants (within reason but that's up to him) on condition that she leaves your stuff alone.

@MILTOBE

most people would actually yes! Mums are entitled to their own belongings being their own regardless of whether they are birth mothers or step mothers

@RhubarbAndFlustered

it sounds like you don’t like your own kids taking your stuff. As other people have stated you can get lockable boxes from Amazon - you should check them out! You don’t have to put up with your stuff being pinched just cos you’re a mum you know! 😀

Sorry meant to tag @64zooooooolane not @RhubarbAndFlustered

Why doesn’t your husband spend his own money on buying his daughter her own products that she likes, instead of being happy to give yours away.

It’s the OPs issue not her husbands?! So parents don’t have any responsibility for their kids stealing then?! What new world is this?

@Allfur

just FYI, women don’t have to share.

@CammoMammo

most 14 year olds have the understanding of stuff not being their though. So whilst of course they may prefer to use the expensive stuff they need to appreciate that the stuff doesn’t belong to them and when they get older and get a job they can buy what they like.

also makeup should never be shared due to hygiene reasons

I have votrd that you are being unreasonable, but only because the 14yo is only part of the issue. More importantly you have a dh problem.

At 14 your sc (presumably dsd) is more than capable of understanding that things are personal and you don't take without asking and you certainly don't take after you have been asked not to. However, your dh needs to step up and reinforce this with proper parenting.

That said, have you taken the time to ask her why she is using these things? I would have a woman to woman conversation and find out what's going on, chances are she is doing it for attention becauae something is bothering her. And I say that as a kid who uses to pinch money and fag's from my mums bag (never smoked) because inwas dying inside as a teen and felt completely invisible.

My dd (10) will be deliberately vile til i lose my shit when stuff bothers her, then she will get upset and finally talk about whatever it is.

My dsd is now 18, her dad and I split 6 years ago but she still comes to ait on my sofa and grunt when she needs support.

Kids will often do stupid stuff to get a reaction, talk to her! Be her friend and find out the root cause.

Sorry to hard to know to know who to quote but if you understand family life then you'd understand my message , you failed to quote me where I said it's nothing I stress over. So my point was this happens in families and kids do this. But I feel like maybe you don't understand what context is.

Absolutely!
And your SC is 14 not 4, so it's not too hard for them to understand.
Exactly DH can buy a little collection and put it in a nice storage box for when they stay 😊