who's being unreasonable, me or DH? hiding my things from SC

[ikikikuk]

I have a 14yo stepchild, me and DH also share DC.

I've noticed the past few months that SC is using my things in the bathroom, face washes, serums, expensive shampoo specifically for dyed hair (which they don't have).

I have put these things in the bathroom cabinet and asked that they only use what's out when showering and using the bathroom but still I notice they are being used.

So I have taken everything out of the bathroom of mine and hidden it.

It annoys me because it's not cheap stuff and it's not stuff a 14yo even needs to be using whereas I use it daily and buy it myself from my own money (separate finances).

DH thinks it's unreasonable/ ott to hide it all because DSC only stays 2 nights a week so really how much are they using and doesn't think it's that big of a deal to just share a bit of it with them.

I'm not making a "big deal" of it but I also feel like ive already asked these things not be used. I think it's rude to continue doing so and therefore I've removed them so they can't be.

Who's unreasonable?

If I get nice chocolates for Christmas and leave them in the kitchen they disappear in no time. Kids have even bought me chocs for mothers day then scoffed the lot. So I hide them. They are my dc, not sdc. I still deserve to have something nice for myself. Same applies to you.

I don't blame your sdc for nicking the good shampoo and I don't blame you for hiding it!

You've asked them. They've ignored. I think it's fine to take further steps.

It is indeed a rite of passage for teenage girls to pilfer their mother (or step mothers) fancy skin care products. It is also very much a rite of passage to be told to keep your mits off, in ever increasingly firm tones until the message lands.

Her dad needs to buy her teen appropriate skin care for when she’s at yours, if you’re into your skin care, give him a couple of pointers on brands.

I get that it’s irritating, but I always feel a bit sad on these threads when people suggest that the step child is the Dads responsibility only so he needs to buy her own stuff etc. sounds so unwelcoming. Once you marry someone with kids, they become your family too surely? Maybe the kid actually admires you and wants to be like you using your products. Maybe a 14 year old girl isn’t all that comfortable telling Dad what she wants when it comes to cosmetics. At the end of the day a step child is family. Do completely understand you want your own things, maybe she does too, 14 is a tricky age for girls. Maybe offer to take her shopping to help choose her own things for your house rather than her using yours?

Not her responsibility but could be a fun thing to do together. My ds has a 14 year old dd who doesn't live with him full time. . His dp loves to buy her make up etc as she knows it's always a welcome present and a way they can have some common interest. By the way her dad regularly brings her to get stuff she needs and as he travels for works often gets a wish list .
But if OP is good with skincare etc it could be something they would enjoy together presuming her own children are younger and not into that yet.

Why don't you tell your DH that he should be buying his own child their skin care and hair care products.

This. Would be nice bonding for him. DD loves looking at the Boots website with me.

I wouldn't share my items, no. Hygiene being the main reason. I would buy her things that suited her skin and weren't too expensive. I bet she'd want those kept in her room lol
Shampoo isn't glam in my house so everyone is free to use whatever.

I sometimes used to "borrow" some of my daughter's stuff because it was much nicer than mine 🙂. And she sometimes "borrowed mine" but generally we had our own products and kept them separate. Your DH could perhaps give her a voucher and she could have a nice time choosing her own products. Or a beauty subscription? She may like that.

@Goodluckanddontfitup

It’s more about ensuring the dad makes an effort to know his own child, rather than thinking that because he now has acquired a new partner, he can just not make an effort with his daughter.

DC2 nicks my stuff and her sister’s stuff. She is absolutely not allowed, there are plenty of things in the bathroom available to her. I take it all out now because she’s been told and does it anyway. I think removing it is best because even if your DH said something to her I bet she’d still use it, I know DC2 would.

Ok. You do realise this is a teenager thing not a SC thing. Go easy on the revenge/bully tactics.

😂🤣😂🤣😂

I’m not sure you’ve caught the tone of the thread.

I’d actually be more wary about buying stuff with a SC. DC2 is a bit OTT with highlighter etc and I’d prefer her to take it down a notch. I wouldn’t particularly like it if I thought she was getting an alternative message in her other household.

YANBU! When DD was 14 I didn’t own any nail polish for more than a week before she found it and ‘liberated’ it. All my nice stuff got liberally splashed about with reckless gay abandon, and the tops were rarely put back on things like toners so they’d evaporate.

I took to hiding things too.

The good news, OP, is that by the time she’s 19 she may have better stuff than you, and you can steal hers return the favour.

She can do that with her own children. Why would she want to help her dsc who've been pinching her stuff

You or your husband need to take her shopping to buy her the shampoo and toiletries she wants. She’s 14, not 4. She’s bound to want to use the nicer stuff rather than being told she can use whatever communal stuff is in the bathroom.

I think the posters suggesting this imagine it to be a fun couple of hours shopping with dad’s credit card. Dad is less likely to understand and be helpful about women’s skincare. Not necessarily seeing it as a burden which is how you see it, as a chore to be offloaded.

Yes maybe DH and DSC are being unreasonable here, but the SC is not ‘staying in the OP’s home’ she is not a guest. That’s her Dads home, therefore it is her home as well.

Why on earth does OP HAVE to do this?

I hide things from my biological DC.

Tbh they have nicer things than me anyway but there are things that they don’t need (like wrinkle cream) but will use it anyway.

I remember using all my mums stuff too, without realising what it even was.

As a PP said, get DH to take her shopping and buy some nice things for herself and then it’s a nice compromise.

Or buy things that are quite nice (nicer than generic stuff) put them in the bathroom and tell her to help herself.

She’s at an age where she doesn’t know what products to buy and she probably looks up to you and wants to use what you use.

If she thinks you’re both using the same thing then she’ll feel included but it won’t waste your expensive stuff.

I put my stuff away from my own children let alone step children.

I would genuinely tell him to fuck off if he suggested I should just share my expensive Kiehl's face stuff or whatever.

YANBU
You've asked them not to use your personal belongings, they continue to do so. DH should be parenting better and telling them they can't just help themselves to whatever they want. Boundaries should be in place!

I hide all my fancy toiletries from my child and they're biologically mine. Your DH is a silly billy.

Calm down. Nobody did. There’s just been suggestions that OP and DSD might bond over shopping for skin care together and have a bit of fun with dad’s credit card. There have been no demands on OP.

I think your DH is being very unreasonable not to talk to DC about taking things that don't belong to them and respecting your things you have specifically asked them not to touch being used by them. He needs to provide his DC with toiletries. Keep them hidden in your bedroom. Eventually they will get the message.