who's being unreasonable, me or DH? hiding my things from SC

[ikikikuk]

I have a 14yo stepchild, me and DH also share DC.

I've noticed the past few months that SC is using my things in the bathroom, face washes, serums, expensive shampoo specifically for dyed hair (which they don't have).

I have put these things in the bathroom cabinet and asked that they only use what's out when showering and using the bathroom but still I notice they are being used.

So I have taken everything out of the bathroom of mine and hidden it.

It annoys me because it's not cheap stuff and it's not stuff a 14yo even needs to be using whereas I use it daily and buy it myself from my own money (separate finances).

DH thinks it's unreasonable/ ott to hide it all because DSC only stays 2 nights a week so really how much are they using and doesn't think it's that big of a deal to just share a bit of it with them.

I'm not making a "big deal" of it but I also feel like ive already asked these things not be used. I think it's rude to continue doing so and therefore I've removed them so they can't be.

Who's unreasonable?

I’m happy sharing my stuff so it wouldn’t be an issue. But as you don’t want to, surely your husband should just take his dd shopping to buy her some of her own products for when she is at your house.

As a stepmother, the only acceptable way to wash yourself is with carbolic soap and a stiff scrubbing brush. Your SD must be provided with Drunk Elephant. At your expense.

Surely it's about learning to respect other people's things and her learning it's OK to expect people to respect her things too.

I think it's very normal teen behaviour.

My suggestion would be to buy some age appropriate ones with her to keep at your house, to her it is one of her homes.

I agree but OP’s SD isn’t 9 she’s 14 and asking to have moisturiser for example at her home is totally reasonable (I was using it she 12). Which is why I suggested Elf, it’s cheap and really good I use a lot of the stuff myself.

I bet that your h has no clue how much these things cost or how long one bottle lasts. Tell him that he should buy the same for his dd if it’s important to him that she has the same.

It’s normal teen behaviour but not ok. Some makeup runs the risk of the two of you getting infections from each other.

It’s “rite of passage”, not “right of passage”.

And taking someone else’s belongings without permission is neither a right, nor a cultural norm.

Dh can take his dd shopping and he can buy her expensive stuff if he wants. Op isn't a free shop..

This is a problem most mother have with their daughter or sisters with other sisters.

I regularly put my stuff away. They can use it if they ask but they can’t waste it.

My eldest is shocking for this - 28 years old and thinks it’s a free for all when she stays so my youngest daughters now hide their stuff from her too.

YANBU.

It’s “And taking someone else’s belongings without their permission is neither a right, nor a cultural norm.” Not “And taking someone else’s belongings without permission is neither a right, nor a cultural norm.”

Do kids from “free for all” households end up being the people who nick other people’s stuff in house shares at uni and beyond ?

I live in a house where we ask and the answer is usually yes because we wouldn’t want someone using our products without permission. Some items are communal eg shower gels but we all own some individual stuff like fragrances.

Yes.

All dc need to learn respect for other peoples possessions.

Or how about her actual parents do that? Why is it the OP’s responsibility?

if I don't hide my stuff from dd, she uses it to make slime. yanbu.

I have a great DD who uses my expensive beauty products. She has her own money to save and buy her own but kept using mine. I now keep them in my room. There's nothing wrong with that.

You set a boundary and then enforced the boundary as necessary. That sounds like good parenting to me. If DSD wants different products then he should give her a budget and let her get what she wants/needs so that she has her own to use.

Are you certain it’s SC and not shared kids?

Personally id buy the child a set of age appropriate lotions and a bag so that they had their own selection and bag to keep them all in.

No, @YaMuvva both of those are correct. Good try though.

Your husband is a twat.

Ugh my DD2 used to “borrow” stuff from me all the time. It gave me the RAGE! So I hear you OP and YANBU

That's pretty normal to do with your own child so the SC bit here is a red herring.

Teens like the idea of expensive toiletries. They don't yet have a full grasp of how much of your wage they use up to buy!

YANBU
DH is being v. unreasonable.
SC also being unreasonable and need to appreciate rules when staying at your home.
I’d be tempted to fill up an empty shampoo / conditioner / shower gel bottle with the cheapest stuff going and let them crack on thinking it’s the nice stuff.

DH thinks it's unreasonable/ ott to hide it all (...) and doesn't think it's that big of a deal to just share a bit of it with them.

Share his razor with him

It’s the man’s fault.